Disclaimer: New disclaimer to go with the new season! Obviously, I don't own Good Omens or its characters, locations, etc., or else I wouldn't have let Neil Gaiman destroy my entire soul. I love the characters he and Terry Pratchett wrote, and I wouldn't change them for the world, except maybe to make them a bit smarter and more observant. But, alas, that's what fanfiction is for.

Summary: Crowley stares at the stars and asks God what he did to deserve all that has happened to him. Aziraphale comes down from Heaven to explain. Language warning. Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts.

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The Words that were Never Spoken that Echoes Through the Times

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Crowley was not having a good year.

The world was slowly being destroyed by the hands of the humans, whether by fire or toxins in the air; and then Gabriel showed up on the bookshop's doorstep and caused a big mess that ended with yet another threat of being destroyed; and then…

Crowley had avoided the bookshop since The Incident, as he referred to it in his head, because he wasn't sure he could bear to be there without… well. He refused to let his thoughts go to Aziraphale most of the time, knowing that he could never, would never, get over the angel leaving.

After everything Crowley had done for Aziraphale, everything he'd said in those last few minutes in the bookshop… Crowley's world had come crashing down around his feet while the angel, his angel, had fucked off to Heaven, the one place he could never follow.

Crowley would have gone to the ends of the Earth, the galaxy, the universe for Aziraphale. He had even been willing to go back to Heaven and suffer the threat of torture and eventual death, twice, to save him. He would have done anything for Aziraphale… except go back for good.

How could Aziraphale think he would ever want to go back there and become an angel again after what Heaven had done to him? After what they had repeatedly threatened to do to him and Aziraphale simply because they gave a damn about the humans and the earth? He would rather spend the rest of eternity in the depths of Hell than ever be an angel again.

Crowley, for once, let those thoughts run through his head as he drove through London, trying to escape the solitude of his bare flat. He didn't even realize where he was going until he pulled up onto the curb in front of A. Z. Fell and Co. bookshop.

He should have known he would end up here, whether of his own accord or from the gentle persuasion of the Bentley. Whenever he had been upset in the past, he would come here to feel better. Surrounding himself with the gentle coziness of books and soft cushions and…

Well. It wouldn't exactly be the same now.

Crowley got out of the driver's seat of the Bentley, dragging a large bottle of whiskey off the passenger seat with him. He trudged up to the front door, thought better of it, and walked over to the fire escape.

He climbed slowly, the bottle of whiskey tucked under his arm and magically not falling to the ground. When he reached the top, he sat on the ledge and threw his legs over the side, taking the top off the bottle of whiskey and taking a long drink. He wiped the back of his hand across his mouth and looked up at the night sky, tears in his eyes.

He didn't understand what he had done to deserve everything that had happened to him. He had barely even rebelled, and he had never fought against Heaven in the way that the other demons had. And yet, he'd been tortured and beaten into the ground, threatened with eradication, and then had to suffer through the loss of the one being he had ever loved. Sure, Aziraphale wasn't dead, but he might has well have been. He'd left. Crowley didn't know what to do with that information.

He looked up at the stars that he had created, and he felt tears start rolling down his cheeks. And, against his better judgement, he started praying.

"What did I do?" He asked the sky, softly. "I know I rebelled, but haven't I suffered enough for that? Every bone in my body was broken and reformed. I was tortured. I burned for millennia." Crowley's hands started shaking, and he set the bottle next to him on the ledge. "I was forced to kill my former brothers and sisters, or else I would be destroyed so completely that there wouldn't even be a memory of me. I have been made to watch the humans suffer and kill each other and die for thousands of years. Twice, I had to fight against Heaven and Hell with only one angel by my side."

Crowley's voice hitched, and he took another swig from the bottle. "I have only ever loved one being besides You, God. And I couldn't even keep that. All of this, just because I rebelled?" He took off his sunglasses and wiped his hand down his face. "I loved You so much. I still do. I wanted to watch the universe thrive because you made it so. All I ever did was ask questions." Crowley took a shaky breath. "Why do Gabriel and Beelzebub get a happy ending? Why do they get to go off together and Aziraphale and I can't? What did I do?" A sob escaped his throat. "I know demons aren't supposed to be able to find happiness, but… I was better than them. I wasn't evil. I tried to be as good as I could be. I know I'm not an angel anymore, but… that didn't mean I didn't love You and Your creations."

Crowley gripped the edge so tightly with his shaking hands that his knuckles turned white. "Maybe that's why this is happening to me. I wasn't a proper angel, and I have never been a proper demon. I'm somewhere in between. There's no place for me in the grand scheme of things. An afterthought doesn't get a happy ending, they get overlooked and forgotten."

Crowley looked down at the pavement. He was only two stories up, a fall that often wouldn't even kill a human. Sometimes, especially over the last year, he wished he could go out like the humans. End his suffering and achieve blissful oblivion. But the only way he could go out for real was holy water, and he had used up all his stock on Ligur. He was too scared to do that anyway. He didn't know what kind of afterlife was in store for demons, if there even was one.

Crowley thought about jumping anyway. It wouldn't kill him, but he could break a leg and feel something other than the awful, lonely ache in his chest. Even if it only lasted for a moment, because his corporation would heal nearly instantly… it would be something.

He took another swig from the bottle, now nearly empty. He hardly felt a thing. Just as he was working up the nerve to push himself off the edge, he felt a tingle of angelic magic appear behind him. And even though he had been gone for a year and Crowley had done everything to forget him, he recognized it instantly.

"Leave me alone, Aziraphale." Crowley hastily put his sunglasses back on. He felt the angel settle next to him on the ledge. "I have nothing to say to you."

"You don't have to say anything, dear." Crowley flinched at the term of endearment. He saw Aziraphale's hand reach toward his, hesitate, and then settle back onto the bricks. "I heard your prayer."

Crowley's face flamed red with embarrassment. He was sure that Aziraphale could feel the heat radiating off him.

"Don't be embarrassed, Crowley. I understand."

"You really don't understand. I don't need your fucking pity, Supreme Archangel. Go back to your happy little life in Heaven and leave me alone. You made your stance quite clear when you left." Crowley drained the rest of the whiskey bottle and snapped his fingers to refill it.

Aziraphale flinched when Crowley called him Supreme Archangel, and he felt a vindictive glee. How dare Aziraphale come back now? After everything that happened, the last thing Crowley needed was the angel sitting next to him and telling him it was okay, just to fuck back off to Heaven as soon as he took his shattered heart drove back to his lonely flat.

"You're right, Crowley, I don't understand what you went through when you Fell." Aziraphale reached for his hand again, but Crowley pulled it away. "But I do understand how you feel about the War in Heaven. And I have been more or less by your side since the beginning here on earth, I understand how you feel about the humans."

"I don't want to hear it, Aziraphale. I don't want to sit here and listen to you tell me how you understand, and you didn't want to leave me or whatever bullshit you're about to say."

"Crowley, please, let me say this." Aziraphale whispered.

"No. I refuse to sit here and listen to you… do whatever you're doing, because you're going to leave again as soon as your done and I'm gonna be left here again, alone and suffering. I can't take the rejection again. Leave me alone."

"I wasn't rejecting you last year in the bookshop, Crowley, I… I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry for how I left things."

"And yet you stayed gone. That doesn't make you seem very fucking sorry."

"I'm trying to fix what's broken in Heaven. I never intended to stay gone forever."

"Don't fucking bullshit me, Aziraphale." Crowley finally turned and looked at the angel, and he had to suppress a gasp. Aziraphale's fluffy hair was wrestled down against his head, and his stuffy, old-fashioned clothes were replaced by a pristine white and gray suit. And to top it all off, he was wearing a real tie instead of a bowtie. Crowley suppressed his shock. "You wanted a happy little life in Heaven, surrounded by angels instead of humans or lowlife demons, and you wanted to drag me along with you so you could fix me. I wasn't broken until you left. I may be a demon, but I always did my best, and I did everything for you. I loved you so much, and I was never more than a fucking helping hand to you all these years. I realize that now. You could never love me unless I was an angel. I hear you loud and fucking clear, Supreme Archangel. Go away."

"That's not true."

"Really?" Crowley laughed obnoxiously. "Tell me one time, besides the apocalypse and the Gabriel situation, where I was anything more than a useful tool for you. I saved you at the Bastille, I saved your books at the church, I made Hamlet a hit play… tell me one time you've ever done something like that for me. Tell me one time you've ever shown me you loved, or even liked me. You've only ever cared about me because I was useful to you, and when I wasn't anymore, you fucked off to the one place you knew I wouldn't follow you. Congratulations, you've made your point. I won't be bothering you anymore."

"I was scared, Crowley."

"And I wasn't? Hell would have destroyed me completely if they found out I loved anything, especially an angel. But did you ever doubt that I cared about you?"

They sat in silence for a long moment. "No, I suppose I didn't."

"And you could never be bothered to make the same effort with me. Our… relationship makes so much more sense to me now. I always thought you were scared about me being anything more than a passing acquaintance because you were afraid of punishment for both of us. But then the apocalypse happened, and you still barely regarded me as a friend, even after all that. And then I finally tried to tell you how much I love you, because I was so sure that you felt the same way, and you practically spat in my face and left. I can see now that it was wishful thinking that you could ever love a demon. You don't have to sit here and pretend just because I'm sad." Crowley looked back up at the sky.

"Do you think I would have come down here if I didn't love you?" Aziraphale asked softly.

"I think you would do anything to make sure your tool sticks around to be used again."

Aziraphale swiped his thumb under his eye. "If you truly think so little of me, I really have been an awful friend to you." He reached out his hand for Crowley's again, and this time the demon let him take it. "I do love you, Crowley, more than anything. That's why I left. I wanted to stop Heaven from destroying the earth again, so we could be together."

"Then why did you ask me to come with you and be an angel again?"

"Because I thought that's what you wanted. I should have realized you would never want to go back, not after everything that Heaven has put you through. I'm… so unbelievably sorry that I hurt you so much."

"Please don't lie to me, Aziraphale."

"I'm not lying, Crowley. I do love you, and I do want to be with you. I just need to stop Heaven before we can do that. Look at me, please." Aziraphale reached up with his free hand and turned Crowley's chin so they were looking at each other. He gently took the sunglasses off the demon's face. "I'm sorry about how I reacted when you kissed me. I was shocked and scared and so full of emotions that I didn't know how to handle it. I know I haven't treated you very well over the years, and I can't even begin to apologize for that, but that doesn't mean that I don't love you." He stroked his thumb across Crowley's jaw. "I love you more than anything, Crowley. I need you to believe me."

"You say that, but you're going to leave me again. Actions speak louder than words, angel." the old pet name slipped from Crowley's lips, and he nearly cringed.

"I promise you, dear, I always intended to come back. I'm not leaving you, Crowley, I'm just… going on assignment for a while. I'm sorry I left for so long without explaining this to you. I should have realized how badly this was affecting you. But I need you to know that I love you."

"Okay, Aziraphale. I hear you." Crowley whispered. He brushed a tear off Aziraphale's cheek. "How long until they notice you're gone?"

"I reckon I have a little while longer. I told Michael not to let anyone disturb me for a few hours while I did some paperwork."

"Will you stay with me?" Crowley whispered, bowing his head shamefully.

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be."

Crowley leaned sideways until his head was resting against Aziraphale's shoulder, tilting his head so he could look at the stars. He reached up and brushed his hand through the angel's hair until it was back to its fluffy self, making Aziraphale chuckle. The angel wrapped his arm around Crowley's shoulders and held on tightly, as if afraid to let him go.

After what could have been several hours or only a few minutes, the sky started to lighten and Aziraphale sighed heavily.

"I should get back, Crowley."

Crowley knew it was coming, but he was dreading it nonetheless. He sat up and twisted around, standing on the roof behind the ledge. Aziraphale followed him.

"Promise me you'll come back, Aziraphale." Crowley whispered, looking at the ground.

Aziraphale tilted the demon's chin so they were looking eye to eye. "Crowley, I promise you that I will come back when my work in Heaven is finished. I cannot bear the thought of living out the rest of eternity without you." He leaned forward and kissed Crowley, deep and slow, the opposite of their last kiss. Crowley rested his hands on the angel's waist and kissed him back, memorizing every second.

When Aziraphale eventually pulled away, Crowley buried his face in the angel's shoulder, wrapping his long arms around his waist and holding on tightly.

"I love you so much, Aziraphale." He whispered.

"I know, dearest. I love you too. I'm not leaving you forever, I promise you."

"I believe you, angel. I'm just scared that they'll find out what you're doing, and I'll never know what happened."

"I won't let that happen, my love. I will come back to you."

Crowley straightened, reaching to wipe the tears off his face before a hand stopped him. Aziraphale tentatively brushed the tears off Crowley's cheek and caressed his jaw for a moment.

"I love you, Crowley. I hope you're starting to believe me."

"I do, angel. I love you too."

"I think I might keep telling you anyway."

Aziraphale kissed the demon again, one more time, before slowly fading away into nothing.

Crowley's hands grasped at empty air for a moment, his lips cold from the early morning wind, and with no angel to keep them warm.

He slowly climbed back down the fire escape and into the Bentley, whiskey bottle forgotten on the roof of the bookshop he loved so much.

Aziraphale had given him hope that he might see him again, and that was enough to make his heart feel a little less broken.

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A/N: This idea was only half formed when I started this, so I don't know how good it is. The title is from the song Kaisarion by Ghost, which is one of my favorite songs by them. I'm going to keep hyping them up with every fic title because I love their music so much, but that's beside the point. I hope you enjoyed this story!