Quote Prompt #8:

"And of course I forgive

You've seen how I live

I've got darkness and fears to appease

My voices and analogies

Ambitions like ribbons

Worn bright on my sleeve"

— Vienna Teng, 'Eric's Song'

Darkness and Fears

~oOo~

"I wish I could trust you, Elliot."

"Liv, what does that mean?"

"I know you are carving your way through a mountain of grief, and I have tried to be there for you. But this is a one-way street, Elliot. You have not asked me one question about what has happened to me since you left. You show up at my house in the middle of the night when my son is there, asleep. That was hard for me. Scary." Olivia paced in front of him. She resisted the urge to storm away. They needed to have this conversation. She couldn't let him keep running away from it. "And this letter. Why did you give me that letter? A letter you didn't even write. What was that about?"

"I'm not sure I know."

"You were being a fucking coward." Olivia snapped.

"Liv."

"You're not the only person to suffer loss and pain, Elliot." Olivia had been holding onto her strength by a thread, and it finally snapped in the face of him dismissing her concern. "You're not the only person in the world to drown in their own guilt and grief. You're not the only person who knows what it's like to be stuck in an abyss of abject misery. But you have the luxury of a large family willing to shoulder your fucking burdens so you can run away."

Elliot jerked back as though she'd punched him. "And you didn't have a large family…"

"No, I didn't. You yanked away what I considered to be my family."

"Some of us have to face our demons alone." Olivia held a hand up when he approached her. He kept moving until her hand was pressed against his chest. "I had to face a monster without my partner at my back. And he almost fucking won."

"I didn't know."

"You didn't ask." Olivia closed her eyes. She breathed in deeply, assaulted by the familiar scent of Elliot. She wanted to sink into the familiarity of him. "I want you to know that I forgive you."

"Liv."

"I know how easy it is to lose yourself in the pain. You forget to come up for air. I'm intimately familiar with that darkness." Olivia patted his chest. "I forgive you."

"Liv." Elliot was breaking down in front of her. He reached out a hand towards her, and she took it in both of hers. "I'm...sorry."

"I forgive you," Olivia repeated. She kept hold of his hand, not wanting him to run away from this. "I need you to forgive yourself. I need you to face this, El. Face it and start getting better. I want my son to know you…not be afraid of you. I want him to trust you."

"I do, too."

"Then I need you to be better."

"I will." Elliot reached out with his free hand and covered hers. "I'm sorry."

Olivia simply nodded. She'd already accepted his apology and forgiven him. "So, you want to tell me why Wheatley was taunting me about Angela's testimony?"

"I….may have kissed her."

"Elliot."

"I was out of my mind with grief."

Olivia shook her head and sighed, "Well, you're not the only person who kissed the wrong person while in the middle of grief."

"Maybe we can focus on kissing the right person." Elliot smiled when she rolled her eyes. "I know I have a lot of things to make up for—and a lot of work to do. But I swear I'm going to do it."

"And maybe stop kissing…."

"The wrong people?" Elliot finished for her. He brought her hands up and dropped a kiss on one of them. "That's something I can promise to do. Just one person I want to kiss. And I'm lucky enough she's giving me a second chance."

The author of this SVU - Quills & Shutters story will be revealed in October