I never realized how hard talking is. It has been a week. A week since I found Soap distressed in front of my door because of his fucking ex-boyfriend. I tried to approach him and talk to him. But words wouldn't come out of my mouth. Why? John acted like nothing happened. He talked to me like usual, like he did everyday for the past few years. He was pretty drunk that night. Did he forget? I hugged him. I allowed myself to touch and be touched. Did it mean nothing? The tingle in my stomach never came back. I don't even know what it was. Fuck, I need to talk to him.

I rubbed my masked face and let out a long sigh. I have been torturing my mind for the past few days. I leaned back on my seat and scanned the empty common room. I glanced at my watch. 4:30. I had another sleepless night. Ever since that night, my nightmares were coming back every night. Is it because I hugged him? I took a sip of my coffee. Caffeine didn't work on me anymore. I just liked the bitter taste. It's almost comforting. I stared blankly at the wall in front of me. My mind racing of ways to approach the subject with John. I mean, when our eyes locked… I let my head hang low. I don't know anymore.

I finished my coffee quickly, burning my throat in the process. The pain helped to wake up. After putting the mug in the sink, I headed toward the base's entrance. I want to go running. There was a forest surrounding the base. Perfect. I focused on the route I would take as not to let my mind run wild with useless scenarios. As I reached the gate, I distinguish two silhouettes coming my way. I narrowed my eyes to see better. Then I heard the voice. John. I stopped in my tracks. John was laughing and smiling, hand in hand with his ex-boyfriend. Well, not his ex anymore. What is going on?

My hands rolled into fists. After everything he's done to you? My jaws clenched to hard I thought I'd break my teeth. They seemed drunk. When did that happen? I coughed. I was holding my breath. That made them see me. Fuck, don't come here.

"Hey Simon" The boyfriend said, with a smug expression

John looked at me briefly but turned his head away and pulled his boyfriend away. The fuck? What did I do? I really did mess up that night. I screwed up so bad that John went back to him. But how? John refused to acknowledge what happened. Wait. We were talking all week like normal. Why is he ignoring me all of the sudden? Is it because of him? What did he tell you John? Why are you listening to him?

I wanted to go after him. To pull him away and force him to talk to me. But like my voice, my leg wouldn't listen to me. I could only watch him disappear inside the base followed by his boyfriend. Pain enveloped my chest. This pain… I never experienced it before. I don't know what it means. But fuck, it fucking hurts. I let out a big sigh that relaxed my muscles. Whatever. I don't need him.

I passed the gate, my jaws trying to relax. I headed toward the forest. As soon as my feet touched the trail, I started running. I ran fast. That was all I could remember. I had forced my mind to go blank and the only way to do so was to focus on running hard. The pain of my muscles being tortured kept my mind from flashing images of him. I can't anymore

2 hours. I ran 2 hours before returning to the base. My shirt was drenched in sweat. My legs were killing me. Literally worse than any leg day I had at the gym. Years of military helped me hide the pain. The only way you could tell I exercised were the pearl of sweat wetting my shirt. I took the long way around to reach my room. I didn't want to pass his room. Images of him with the bastard was enough to make my blood boil.

I stood still in front of my closet for a moment. Countless times I had helped him with his heartbreak. I comforted him as best I could. Jesus, I even hugged him.

"FUCK"

The word came out louder than I wanted. My hands squeezed the closet handle so hard my knuckles went white. I don't know why it bothered me so much. I shouldn't care like that. He is my friend. That's why. Friends care that much about each other? How should I know. Soap is my only friend.

I couldn't eat breakfast. My appetite is lost. It's driving me crazy. Why can't I think? Why is my mind filled with John's hand holding his? Why? FUCKING WHY?

"Ghost?"

I turned around to meet Price's worried face. I was breathing heavily, still in front of my closet. I played it cool and put it on my morning run. That didn't seem to ease Price though. He walked up to me, frowning in concern.

"You okay son?"

"Yes Captain, I am fine" I sighed, relaxing my body slightly.

I massaged the back of my neck. How embarrassing. I should have closed the door. I took a deep breath and finally grabbed a change of clothes. Price leaned against the wall, his arms crossed on his chest. I could feel his analytic eyes on me, searching for what was going on. How could I tell him when even I didn't know? It had been a while since I couldn't contain my emotions like that. I need to pull myself together.

As I was about to pass Price to go to the common showers, he stopped me.

"There's a new nurse. She seems nice. Don't play with her"

Price said, almost like a warning. I sighed and nodded at him. Not like I was in the mood anyway. I continued on my way.

"Training starts in 1 hour"

I lifted my arm to indicate I understood. I took the long way around not to pass by Soap's room. I can't meet him yet. Not when I am still confused.

I let the cold water hit my muscles with a long satisfied sigh. Nothing is better than ice cold on sore muscles. It's calming. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I like the showers. No one else will or can bother me here. Just me. Alone. It's nice. As I grabbed the soap, I am reminded of him. The shamed look he had on his face this morning. I felt my blood boil. My fingers clutched the soap bar. I just don't get it. What did I do that was so bad? No. I shook my head. I don't care. Get your heart broken again. I don't care. I don't…

"Fucking hell"

I muttered. Never in my life would I have thought to be this clingy to someone else's attention. I had promised myself not to let anyone else get close to me. Yet here we are. Throughout the years you broke my walls and became my friend. I guess that's why I'm that upset. It took me a long time to trust someone and I am left on the side.

Another sigh escaped my lips as I stepped out of the shower. I shouldn't think about it anymore. I will let him come to me. I grabbed my towel and started to dry myself. I glanced at the mirror in front of me. The sight of my scars made my mouth deform into a disgusted grimace. I averted my eyes and quickly finished drying myself. I can't bear to look at this. The memories each brings…

Once dressed with my training uniform, I exited the showers, my sweaty clothes in my hand. I felt refresh. It felt good. I wandered in the hallways a bit, trying to stretch my legs. I stopped when I heard a known laughter. A sense of comfort enveloped me. It shouldn't though. After a few seconds, I realized that he was coming my way. I can't avoid him. Shit.

I turned around to escaped but bumped into someone. I heard a thud and look down. There was a woman. Small, chubby, red hair, white coat. I frowned. I know almost every woman on base. Who is she? Ah, the new nurse. Right. I extended a hand to help her get up. She was rubbing her thick thighs. Not my style. She finally looked up at me. Her fiery green eyes made me recoil my offered hand. If she had a gun instead of eyes, I'd be dead in an instant.

"Um, Sorry ma-"

"It's fine"

She cut me off with a sigh and stood up. She dusted her legs off and looked up at me. Her eyes were now soft and a small smile stretched her lips. Not my style, but cute. She extended her hand and I instinctively shook it.

"I'm Melanie, the new base's nurse. Nice to meet you Ghost"

She introduced herself. I detected a soft but distinct accent.

"French?" I asked as a reply

"Wow" She clapped her hands "And here I thought you were just muscles"

Her sarcastic voice made me chuckle. That surprised me. Something about her makes it easy to be comfortable. Maybe it's her surplus of flesh that just makes you want to hold. Like a bed after a long day. Realization sprung me out of it. I turned my head so quickly I though I'd break my neck.

"He turned around when he saw you" Melanie replied.

I frowned again

"Wh…Huh?"

She gave me a malicious smile and patted my shoulder. I didn't recoil at her touch. She really is something else. I watched her walk past me toward her destination. I leaned my shoulder against the wall. Melanie huh… No wonder Price asked me to be nice. I chuckled a bit but caught myself.

"Do not hesitate to stop by anytime"

She told me as she disappeared around the corner.

"Yeah…" I replied. I glanced at my watch.

"Ah, shit. I'm late"

I grunted as I pushed on my arms again. I didn't make it in time. 50 pushups for 5 minutes late. Price is a tyrant. But a good one. I stood back up as I finished. The captain instructed me to join the others. König and Gaz were sparring. It was a bit unfair for Gaz because of the height and weight difference. But a good training nonetheless.

I analyzed them. Gaz actually improved, using König's height and weight at his advantage. But inevitably König pinned him on the ground, pistol pointing at his forehead. I nodded at Gaz. Even though my mask hid my expression, I hoped that my eyes showed that I was impressed by his improvement.

"Alright" Price's voice cut through the silence "Ghost, Soap. Your turn"

My body tensed up. I was doing a good job ignoring his presence. Work is work. I took a few steps ahead and turned to face him. He seemed as tensed as I was. Our eyes met for a brief moment before he averted his gaze. A rush of confusing emotions rushed through my veins. I bit my inner cheek hard. A subtle iron taste filled my mouth. It'll be fine. It's work. It's training.

I put my arms up in a guarding stance, my eyes fixed on him. He's my opponent now. He was the one to attack first. A punch directed on my waist. I couldn't help but smile. He remembered what I taught him. Straight for the liver. However, my reflexes are better. I blocked his hit and grabbed his arm. I twisted it behind his back and pulled him close to put a knife under his throat. He looked back at me. He only looked back at me and I felt like hugging him. Holding him. Just like that night.

I stopped in my track, knife in hand. My grip on his twisted arm loosened. Like a true soldier, he took this opportunity to free himself and struck back. The whole thing lasted for only a few seconds. I just couldn't concentrate. The image of him looking back at me stuck in my mind. His gaze, something was different. I don't know.

I felt a wet liquid dripping on my arm. I looked down at it. A gash appeared on my upper arm. I frowned and put my hand over it, soaking my glove with a crimson color. I glanced at him. He stood in front of me, breathing heavily. My knife still in his fist. I frowned as I realized the fear in his eyes. Don't have this look. I don't like it. He reached for me but I took a step back. I would have let him help me before but I am afraid of what his touch will do to me. I still held anger at him.

"Ghost ! Infirmary. Now."

Price orders were stern yet full of concern. I nodded at him and quickly walked out of the training area. Price's voice ordering the rest of the team to resume the training slowly disappeared in the distance as I made my way toward the main building. My hand was still holding on the wound. A slight pain in my chest grew as I remembered the fear on Johnny's face. I don't want him to ever have that look again.

I knocked on the medical bay door. A voice told me to come in and I obeyed. Melanie was sitting at her desk, her fingers gliding on her computer's keyboard. It took her a few seconds to glance up as I stood still in the middle of the room. She tilted her head in confusion before smiling.

"Missing me already-"

Her voice cut off as her eyes fell on my wounded arm. She frowned and quickly walked up to me. She grabbed my arms and put my hand away to inspect the wound. I braced myself for the questions that would arrive. But to my surprise she didn't ask anything. She ordered me to sit on an empty bed. I obeyed again in silence as she prepared her medical items. She put on latex gloves and sat on her rolling chair, coming closer to me. She pushed her glasses up her nose and started to clean the wound.

"You're lucky, it's not deep. But it still requires stitches and a couple weeks of rest"

She explained, preparing the stitches. She glanced up at me, her eyes above her glasses.

"And I mean FULL rest"

She repeated as the needle pierced my flesh. Although I felt every stitch, her tenderness made it not hurt much. At least it hurt less than my other wounds.

"Aren't you curious?" I asked, my eyes fixed on the gash slowly closing up

"Soldiers are going to get hurt"

She replied, shrugging. I couldn't help but chuckle. Something about her made everything she did funny. Maybe it was her accent, her nonchalant demeanor or just her cute self. She finished her stitched after a couple of minutes. She nodded at her work like a proud painter looking at their finished painting. I looked at it. It was clean. She's a good nurse.

She took off her gloves and threw them in the trash. I sat still on the bed and watched her walking to her desk. She put her glasses on her head, pushing her red hair back. It freed her face. She is really cute. She typed something on her computer before turning to her cupboard. She grabbed a box and walked back to me.

"Antibiotics. It's to prevent any infection. One pill morning and night"

I grabbed the small box and nodded as I inspected it.

"And you need to rest for ten days" She continued while bandaging my arm "Come here every couple days so I can wash it and inspect it. Do NOT put any weight on this arm. Got it?"

She explained sternly. Her tone of voice reminded me of Price. A much cuter version of course. She stepped back and I got off the bed. I put the pills in my pocket.

"Thanks Doc"

I said, my smile hidden by the mask. She sighed and nodded. She mumbled something about soldiers being always reckless and waved me off. I suppressed a chuckle and walked toward the door. It opened before I could. I came face to face with Price. I frowned. Training wasn't supposed to end yet. He had a worried look on his face. I thought it was because of me but I realized he was glancing behind me. I turned my head slightly. Melanie had resumed working on her computer, seemingly oblivious to Price's presence. I raised an eyebrow.

Price cleared his throat.

"I just wanted to um, check up on you. How's the wound?"

He asked, his eyes alternating between me and her. Right, check up on me. I went to cross my arms but the pain radiating throughout my arms punished my recklessness.

"Doc said it wasn't serious. I'm on a ten-day rest and can't put any weight on it"

I explained. The captain nodded but didn't seem to care. He glanced one last time at Melanie then walked away. I followed suit. I swear I heard her sigh heavily but didn't care to check what it was for. Interesting. I now get why Price asked me not to mess with her. I couldn't help but smile.

My stretched lips quickly vanished when I saw John waiting for me by my door. He was frowning and texting on his phone. From his tensed body language I could only guess he had another fight with his boyfriend. Did he want me to comfort him again? The audacity. I turned on my heels.

"Simon!"

And right there I stopped. Him calling my name was all it needed for me to let go of any resentment. I turned again and walked toward him. I wanted to answer but my words caught in my throat. He was still avoiding looking at me. I took a deep breath as I approached him. He rubbed the back of his neck, looking down at the ground.

"Look, I'm sorry for the knife wound. I didn't mean to hurt you. I thought you'd block me but I-"

"It's fine Soap"

My voice came out harsher than I wanted. I could see my tone hurt him. He glanced up at me. Our eyes met. The same bothering tingle spread in my stomach. What is it? His phone buzzed. A call. He sighed deeply and pinched the bridge of his nose. He smiled weakly at me and nodded. He reached his hand to pat my shoulder but stopped himself. Something flashed through his eyes but I couldn't recognize it. And then he walked away. Wait. I need to talk to you. We need to talk. Why are you avoiding me? What did I do wrong? Johnny please. Wait… FUCKING TALK.

"John wait. We need to talk"