Disclaimer: I own a huge deficit of sleep after a week with sick toddlers, a weekend trip that was absolute chaos, and my internship that is still taking up most of my time. But Castle I don't own.
Hello again! First of all, thank you for the reviews and the new favs and follows! My story stats still aren't working so it's nice to know at least some people read and enjoy this story.
I don't know how many times I've reread this in the last few days. And everytime I found something I wanted to change. And I'm slowly getting to the point where I simply don't want to read the same chapter over and over again. Now the update comes a few days early so I can finally move on. I hope you enjoy!
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After she had managed to bring herself to start the car Kate drove back to her apartment like she was on autopilot. As she pulled up in front of her apartment she thought it was surprising she got here safely. Her head was spinning and she felt like her breathing failed to get oxygen to her brain. On the drive home, she had desperately tried to get a clear thought, to somehow process what just had happened. But she didn't stand the slightest chance to the chaos that was raging in her head. Countless thoughts but none of them stayed long enough so she could get a grip on it. As she forced her legs up the stairs to her apartment her heart was still racing and her shaking fingers struggled to get the key into the lock.
When the door finally cracked open she walked inside and carelessly dropped her bag and the papers the doctor had given to her on the table in front of the couch and then went straight for the kitchen. She needed something to calm her nerves or she would go crazy. She pulled a glass and a bottle of amber liquid out of the shelf and poured herself a drink double the size she would normally do. Just before the glass reached her lips she stopped. She wanted to ignore the little voice back inside her head. She squinted her eyes trying to blend it out but then let the glass sink. "Fuck." She exclaimed and poured the whisky into the sink with a thrust of her hand.
If she couldn't have alcohol she needed something else. She needed movement. With quick steps, she walked into her bedroom, switched her jeans for shorts, and traded her high heels for running shoes. She pulled her blouse over her head, leaving her in a black top. And without a second thought, she walked out of her apartment again, the door closing with a loud slam behind her. She rushed down the stairs and out of the building and started running without a destination.
Castle looked at his watch and then on his phone. He had done that a couple of times within the last hour. It was 6 pm and he hadn't heard anything from Kate since they had left the precinct. He knew her appointment had been nearly two hours ago, wasn't she supposed to be done by now? He decided to give her another fifteen minutes before he would call her. He rearranged some books in his office to kill the time and when it had passed there was still no sign from her. So he called her and waited for her to pick up but after thirty seconds he only got her voicemail. He decided it was useless to leave a message. Maybe she had to wait longer than expected and was still in the doctor's office so she couldn't look at her phone. He would give her another fifteen minutes.
But when these also had passed he slowly started to get worried. She should be here by now or at least on her way. And even if she had forgotten to call him, which was highly unlikely, why didn't she pick up her phone? He tried to call her again but the only one he could reach was that computer voice at the end of the thirty seconds. There was probably a logical explanation for this. But unfortunately, he couldn't think of one. With another look at his watch, he decided to wait until 7 p.m. And if he hadn't heard from her by then he would drive to her apartment. Sitting at the counter he stared at his watch. By 6:50 pm he couldn't take it anymore and put on his shoes. One last look at his phone though he knew it was impossible that he could have missed her. Nothing. So he grabbed his keys and walked to the elevator feeling like he had swallowed a brick.
With panting breaths, Kate slowed down as she came up to her building. Her legs were burning and sweat was running down her body. But the last hour had done what she had hoped for and her mind was back under control and at least a little clearer. The first thirty minutes of her run she had managed to think of nothing. She had just concentrated on the rhythm of her steps until she felt like she was able to try to think about what had happened without letting it overwhelm her completely. She had allowed the words of the doctor to come to her mind, telling her what was going on and what she could do now. Though she couldn't remember all of it she was able to pin it down to three options: Abortion, adoption, or having a baby. She was trained to think logically in stressful situations. So that was what she tried to do.
All three options sounded ridiculous. Maybe because she still struggled to believe it was real at all. But every time her mind had tried to deny it the image of the little black dot had appeared before her eyes. And after a while, she had given up on trying to tell herself it could all be a mistake or misunderstanding. She was good at denying the truth but not that good. When she came to that realization, it hit her that she would actually have to make that decision. And that there really were only three options. The second half of her run her mind had circled around the fact that that wasn't much. Especially when she considered every one of them would probably in one way or another ruin her life.
She had crossed adoption from the list as soon as she allowed herself to think about it. Carry a pregnancy for nine months, give birth, and then give the child to strangers? She would have to tell everybody and probably would lose everything for nothing. Not to mention Castle would never let that happen. That was the first time he had crossed her mind since the doctor had shown her the screen with the picture. Her steps had slowed down when she realized she would have to tell him and involve him in this decision. But before that thought could overrun her she had picked up her pace again and pushed the thought of him aside.
So she was down to two options. She had remembered the doctor telling her about something called medical termination, where she would just swallow a pill and within a few days of bleeding it would be over. That sounded so simple. She wouldn't have to tell anyone and could pretend it never even happened. She wouldn't even have to tell Castle.
But she regretted that thought instantly. No, she could never do that. When she had learned anything in her years as a cop, then it was the fact that secrets at some point always came out. And a secret like that would destroy everything they had, she knew that. And she couldn't build up a relationship or a life based on a lie. But she was also sure that he would never be able to live with the truth when she would really terminate this pregnancy. So she figured this option would somehow be the end of their relationship, no matter how she would handle it. She couldn't take the thought of it. The last few weeks had been the happiest in her life. No, she couldn't lose him.
And she also knew she probably wouldn't be able to take this step on her own. Actually, she wasn't even sure if she could bring herself to go down this way at all. At that point, the little voice in her head stirred again and whispered "You weren't even able to drink a glass of whisky, do you really think you could purposefully take that pill?" She had tried to blend out the voice by running even faster. She knew there was no point in lying to herself. But she simply wasn't able to face the last option. It scared her too much.
That was when she noticed she was coming near her apartment again. And now as she was hauling herself up the stairs her body was exhausted and her mind was just as well. When she reached her door she thanked herself for placing a key under a loose floorboard. In her mindless state, she hadn't even thought of her keys. She entered her apartment and went right for the shower. With a lot of effort, she was still managing to keep her mind blank and not let the third and most terrifying option find its way to her thoughts.
The hot water was kind of soothing. Her muscles started to relax a little and she slowly started to feel like she was able to breathe again as her pulse calmed down. After a while the water started to get cold so she turned it off. Drying herself she walked into the bedroom and pulled a pair of shorts and a shirt from her closet. She slipped on some underwear and the shorts and turned to walk into the kitchen to get something to drink. And just as she lifted the shirt to pull it over her head her gaze got caught by the image of her body in the mirror. She couldn't help it, her eyes just stared at her stomach.
Slowly she let the shirt sink and stepped closer to the mirror. She didn't look any different than this morning when she had gotten dressed in front of this mirror. But everything was different now. There was no sign of what was going on and she thought it was weird. How could something make her feel like her life was falling apart and at the same time you couldn't even see it was there? And wasn't she supposed to feel anything? Feel different or sense something was happening inside of her body? But no, she didn't.
She tore her eyes away from the mirror, put on her shirt, and walked to the kitchen. She gulped down two glasses of cold water to ease the burning in her throat. Just as she was about to hold the glass back under the tap for a third time a loud knocking came from the door and she heard a muffled voice saying her name.
She felt the water rising back up her throat again and swallowed hard to keep it down. Castle was here. At that moment she realized she hadn't called him. It was past 7:30 pm by now and he had waited for her call for a few hours. But her phone was on mute and in her bag and, to be honest, she hadn't thought about calling him for a second. A feeling of guilt started to spread in her chest. He was probably very worried by now.
She walked over to the door and opened it. The second he saw her face he sighed in relief. "Thank God." He murmured. "Kate, where have you been? I've been trying to call you for hours, I thought you got into an accident or something." She stepped aside to let him in. Her heart was beating so fast she feared it could just stop at any moment. "I'm sorry." She whispered, her voice shaky. He looked at her and the hint of anger on his face was immediately replaced by concern. "What's wrong?" He softly asked while reaching his hand out for her.
But she stepped back to avoid his touch. She couldn't take that now. "We should sit down." She said, her voice sounding distant to herself. Without looking at him she walked over to the couch and sat down even though sitting still felt terrible. He followed her and his concern had turned into deep worry within a matter of seconds. "Kate, what happened?" Looking at her pale face he tried to reach out for her hands again but she pulled them away and rubbed them over her hips. He let his hand sink and his mind was already overflowing with horrible ideas of what could have happened.
"Did you go to the doctor's?" He asked and his heart sank as she nodded slightly but still avoided looking at him. "Kate…" He whispered and came to sit a little closer to her. "Can you please tell me what happened? Is there something wrong?" He waited for an answer but she simply couldn't bring herself to speak. The words were on her lips but she couldn't bring them out. She knew she had to. But they would change everything. Everything would collapse and she was so scared of all the consequences it would cause.
"Kate…" With a firm move he reached for her hand and this time she didn't pull away. "Tell me please…" He said, his voice barely hearable. "Are you sick?" There was just nothing else he could think of that would make her act like this. And he feared her answer more than anything else. But she shook her head and a hoarse "No." came from her mouth. He tightened his grip around her hand. "But then.." He started but didn't know what to ask. For the first time since he came here, she looked him in the eye and he could see she was terrified.
She gathered every bit of strength she had left after this day and pushed the words over her lips.
"I'm pregnant."
She could feel his hand freezing and he stared at her as if he was looking right through her. It felt like an eternity before he blinked and a muttered "What?" came from his mouth.
"I'm pregnant."
Saying it for a second time wasn't that much easier.
Again it took him some time to react. "But.. We've not even been together for a month. And we always used…" She could see in his eyes how his mind clicked. He looked at her, absolutely baffled. "That first night?" With the slightest nod, she let him know he was right.
After the few seconds it took him to realize the meaning of her gesture he pulled his hand away from hers to sit up straight and inhale deeply. "Um, okay. Wow."
He turned back to look at her. "And the doctor could already tell?" His voice filled with disbelief. Kate was at a loss for words to explain it to him. She didn't even understand it herself. So she reached across the table in front of her and took the little black and white picture from the pile of papers she had left there a few hours ago. With shaking fingers, she handed him the picture and he took it carefully as if it was made out of glass. He tore his eyes away from her and looked at the picture. It was all grey but he could clearly see the little black dot.
"Wow." He breathed again. Kate got confused by the way he looked at the picture. She couldn't really describe what the emotions spreading over his face were but they came close to affection or at least astonishment. He kept on staring at the piece of paper in his hand and nearly a minute later he found his voice again.
"Kate, that's…" Her confusion turned into shock when she saw the smile on his lips. He tore his eyes away from the picture and looked at her. "That's amazing." Completely taken aback by his words and the expression on his face she couldn't react at all. He looked back at the picture and then noticed the pile of leaflets on the table in front of him. He picked them up and his frown grew deeper with each paper he looked at. "What are these?" He asked and held one of the leaflets labeled "Social Services" up.
"Options." Kate said and she heard her voice sounded strange and cold. "What do you mean.." Castle started but she interrupted him. "I think it would be better if you leave now." She just couldn't handle it. While she was feeling like the world came crashing down on her he seemed to be happy. A little shocked he looked at her. "Okay listen, I know how you feel. I've been to that point nineteen years ago with Alexis. I know you are scared and it's completely overwhelming but I promise you it'll be all right."
"I don't feel all right!" She suddenly shouted with anger rising up her chest. "Do you have any idea what this means for my career, for me? Nothing about it is fine! Or amazing!" Her sudden outburst of emotion and the rage in her voice surprised him.
"Look, I know but.." He tried to start to calm her down but she interrupted him. "No! No, you don't! You have no idea. Or you wouldn't sit here telling me everything will be fine. How could it? I am either going to lose you or my job and the life I've built up. There is nothing fine." She spat out the last few words and he felt the hurt her harsh tone caused him like little cuts in his chest. He opened his mouth for another try to say something but she didn't let him speak. "Please just go now, okay." She said, her voice now starting to sound defeated. "I promise I'll call you but for now please give me some space." With that, she got up and disappeared into her bedroom, shutting the door behind her.
While she let herself fall onto the bed and couldn't stop silent tears of anger and despair from running down her face he stood in her living room at a total loss of what to do. Go after her? She had made very clear she didn't want that. But leaving felt wrong too. So he just waited for her to come back out. But after ten minutes he realized she wouldn't. It was probably best to do what she asked for even though it made his heart ache. He looked at the picture she had given him for one last time but this time he could only feel the worry about what this would do to them. The initial joy he had felt when he first looked at it was now shadowed with fear. The last few weeks had been more than he had ever allowed himself to dream of. And yes, he had fantasized about starting a family with her in a very far-off future, well aware that it would maybe stay just that, a fantasy. And he had been fine with that. But it didn't take him more than looking at this picture for a couple of seconds to find that he wanted it to become reality. But the actual reality hit him hard. And it was the opposite of the scenarios he had played in his head. Sighing, he carefully placed the picture back on the table and then left, feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Kate let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding when she heard his steps and then the clicking of the door. She didn't want to push him away and a big part of her wanted him here with her. But the even bigger part wanted to be alone to get a chance to at least try to sort things out. Her mind started to spin in circles again but as the minutes passed by she slowly felt herself drifting off to sleep. It was a very much welcome relief to her troubled mind and exhausted body. So she gave in and closed her eyes and fell asleep within a couple of seconds.