Lorelai heard the front door open and close.
A plaintive query floated up to her. "Mom?"
Rory! Her kid was home! Lorelai grabbed the sweater she'd been contemplating putting on and rushed out of her bedroom. As she clattered downstairs she pressed the cellphone to her ear, anxious to finish the conversation.
"OK, thanks, that sounds great! I love you! Bye-bye, now!" She flipped the phone closed, leaped from the last step, tore across the living room, and embraced Rory while she was still in the entry. "You're home! You're here! Finally!"
"Mom, stop. It hasn't even been a week since you've seen me."
"A week is a huge amount of time! Who knows what's changed in your life in a week?" Lorelai pouted dramatically and held Rory at arm's length, looking her over.
"Yes, apparently that is very true," Rory said in a way that indicated suspicion.
Before Lorelai could process what Rory's tone might mean, she noticed the multiple bags on the floor. "What's all this?"
"Laundry."
"No way. This cannot be all for you. Do you need money? Is that it? You need money so you're taking in laundry? Are you some poor downtrodden Dickens character who's trying to work her way through Yale?"
"Wrong century."
"No, seriously. Are your roommates hiding their dirty clothes in with yours? Because there's no way you even own this many clothes."
"You're the one who taught me to be a clotheshorse."
"Well, that could be a malady passed down through the Gilmore line."
"Wow, you're really committing to the Dickens thing, huh?"
"Come here, you." She hugged Rory again. It felt so good to have her home. "Come into the kitchen. I've been keeping some egg rolls and tacos warm in the oven."
"But the clothes –"
"Leave 'em. We'll get them later. For now, let's just enjoy the fact that you're home and there's no Friday night dinner this week."
They walked to the kitchen, Lorelai's arm still around Rory's shoulder. Once there, Rory sat down at the table, which Lorelai quickly filled with the food she'd been collecting to enjoy with her home-again girl.
"We feast," Rory said, wide-eyed at the spread.
"We feast," Lorelai concurred. "Oh, darn! I should have gotten one of those Henry the 8th turkey legs from somewhere!"
"I think we're good without it," Rory said. She grabbed an egg roll.
"But the visual would have been great." Lorelai opened a takeout box of lo mein.
Rory reached for a taco, too. "So…who was on the phone?" she asked in an extremely casual way.
"Oh, um…" Lorelai swallowed her mouthful of noodles. "Just Luke."
Rory put down the taco and stared at her mother in shock. "Really? That was Luke?"
"Um, yeah," Lorelai said, confused by Rory's expression.
Rory took a deep breath. "Is there something you'd like to tell me about that?"
"Well…" She shrugged and then pointed at the back door. "The screen door has a hole in it. Which may or may not have happened when I sort of kicked at it while wearing high heels. I didn't tell him that part of it, though. Anyway, he said there's probably a way to fix it and he'll come over and look at it when he gets the chance."
Rory scoffed. "I don't care about the door!"
"Then why are you asking about it?"
"I'm not! I want you to tell me about Luke!"
"Uh, a pretty tall guy? Perpetually grumpy, but with dreamy blue eyes? Makes a damn fine cup of coffee? You've known him since you were eleven?"
"Mom, stop it! This is serious!" Rory's eyes blazed with irritation.
"Sorry, I didn't know the screen door meant so much to you."
"Will you forget the stupid screen door! I want to know why you were on the phone telling Luke you love him when I walked in the house."
For a moment, Lorelai froze. Her senses all shut down at the same time as she tried to comprehend what Rory had just said. Then, in a flash, she understood. She started to laugh. She laughed so hard that she nearly knocked over the box of lo mein.
"Oh, Kid!" she finally managed to gasp out. "I've missed you so much! And let me say, Yale has really sharpened up your killer instinct. You really had me going there for a minute. You got me, missy – you got me good!"
Across the table, Rory was still glaring. "You're going to deny you said it?"
"Rory, sweetie, there's nothing to deny. I didn't say it!"
"You did! I heard you! You were clomping down the stairs –"
"I don't clomp!"
"– and you said into the phone, 'OK, great, thanks, I love you, bye-bye now.'"
Lorelai paused, momentarily confused. That all sounded familiar, except for the I love you part. "I did not say that," she nonetheless insisted firmly.
"You did!" Rory insisted, just as firmly. "I heard you!"
"Why on earth would I tell Luke that I love him?" Lorelai wondered logically.
"Um, maybe because you do?"
"Rory, come on."
"Mom, you come on! I know what I heard!"
"Maybe what you heard isn't what I said," Lorelai suggested, clutching at whatever straw was within reach. "Maybe you misheard what I said."
"Like what?"
"Uh…" She scrambled for words. "I love…your coffee? I…wove you…a scarf? I'll…shove you next time?"
"Mom." Rory shook her head in disappointment.
"Look, Kid. I was in the middle of a simple conversation with Luke. I heard you come home. I ran down the steps – as gracefully as a gazelle, by the way. I said goodbye, shut the phone, and greeted you. That's all. I don't know what you heard, but that's the truth from my side."
Rory looked at her, with eyes that still said she didn't buy it. "Nothing's changed between you and Luke?"
"No! Of course not!"
Rory looked down at the table, at her forgotten taco. "If it did…if something did change…you'd tell me, right?"
"Oh, Rory." She reached for her daughter's hand. "You know I would. Immediately. I would never keep something like that from you."
Rory met her eyes and Lorelai could see something hurt in her daughter's. "You didn't with Mr. Medina."
"And I learned my lesson. I promise you – promise you – that I will never say I love you to any guy without clearing it with you first."
Rory waved a hand in the air. "You don't have to go that far. But I guess I'd appreciate being the second one to know."
"Hey, I'm willing to make that promise to you. It's always been you and me. I wouldn't upset our life, our balance without giving you a head's up first."
Rory sighed and took up her taco again. She dipped it in some salsa before taking a bite. "So how is Luke?"
"Fine. Same as always." Lorelai picked up an egg roll but didn't bite into it. "He pours my coffee, then tells me I drink too much of it. He fixes my burger, then informs me that red meat is slowly killing me. He watches me eat a doughnut, then tells me how much sugar I just consumed."
"Aww, sounds like he still cares," Rory said with a grin.
"Sounds like he's in the wrong business," Lorelai said sourly. "He should only sell organic vegetables or something." She no longer had much of an appetite.
Rory leaned across the table and touched her taco to her mother's egg roll, as if they were clinking wine glasses for a toast. "Tell you what, let's hit the diner tomorrow and Luke can lecture me about the evils of my food choices instead."
"I know he'd love to see you. He's always asking me how you are."
Rory nodded, munching away. "Plus that way I can see the two of you together. I can judge for myself if there's any I love you stuff going on."
"There's not, I assure you."
"Whatever you say, Mom." She opened the box of orange chicken. "Whatever you say."
Rory stabbed her fork through her last piece of pancake, added her last bite of sausage to it, then swirled the combo through the small puddle of remaining syrup. "So yummy," she declared, chewing happily.
"And even with that display of gluttony, Luke doesn't lecture you."
"Eh, he's just too glad to see me back in Stars Hollow."
"You're everyone's favorite."
"Maybe. Hey, let's hit Weston's next. Maybe I can charm a couple of sugar cookies out of someone there."
"I miss Fran."
"Yeah, me too. But the Dragonfly wouldn't be –"
"I know. But I miss her all the same." Memories of Fran and a long list of Dragonfly chores briefly mingled in Lorelai's head. She sighed and shook them all off, determined to enjoy the rest of the weekend with her daughter. "Do you want to head over to see Lane? I'll pay Luke and run a few errands and meet you back home in like an hour?"
Rory wiggled her eyebrows. "Hoping to ditch the kid so that you can score a little one-on-one time with your diner guy?"
Lorelai looked around guiltily, although she had no idea why. "Rory, stop it."
Rory laughed at her mother's chastisement. "This time I am just teasing you. He was as prickly with you as he usually is. I no longer believe you're hiding anything from me."
"What a relief," Lorelai said dryly.
Rory wiped her sticky fingers with a napkin. "I'll see you at home. Thanks for breakfast." She leaned over and gave Lorelai a quick kiss on her brow. "Bye, Luke!" she called out on her way to the door.
After Rory's exit, Lorelai reluctantly walked to the cash register. "Hi," she said to Luke.
He gave her a weird look. "I'm pretty sure you said hi an hour ago when you first came in the door."
"That was the hi of welcome. This is the hi of payment."
"Of course. My mistake," he muttered, taking her money. "So…Rory's OK?"
Lorelai shrugged, unconcerned. "You just saw her. You don't think she's OK?"
He shrugged too, but his movement radiated concern. "She looks pale, though, don't you think? A little pale?"
"Hello?" Lorelai pointed to herself. "Pale is sort of our normal look."
He glanced at her face and then just as quickly looked away. "I guess." He handed some change back to her.
Lorelai was going to leave. She should have turned around and left right then. But she didn't. Some unease, a sense of something unsettled, made her pause. She looked instead to make sure no one was close enough to overhear them.
"Luke, this is awkward, but last night, on the phone –"
"I might not make it over to your place during the weekend. OK if it waits until Monday? Or is the door really a problem for you?"
"No. The door – the door's fine. It can wait. It's something else. Um, on the phone…"
He flinched, and instantly, Lorelai knew. All of the things she'd fretted about overnight were true, and as much as she'd love (Ooh, there was that word again!) to run away and hide, they needed to talk about it now. Douse the wound with antiseptic before it got infected and spread into something so toxic it threatened their friendship.
"Last night, I was upstairs, talking to you on the phone, when I heard Rory come home. I was anxious to see her, so I ran down the steps and tried to say goodbye to you at the same time. And Rory says – she says she heard me say – well, something unusual to you."
He put one hand on his head and moved his hat slightly. "Yeah," he quietly confirmed.
"Luke, I'm so, so sorry. I don't know why that particular phrase decided to spring out of my mouth right then. I wasn't even aware I'd said it until Rory told me, and even then, I didn't believe her. But now you've confirmed it, so I have to accept that it happened. And I'm…I'm mortified. I just hope that you don't think I was trying to mess with you somehow. The last thing I'd ever want is for some idiot thing I said to ruin us. Is there anything I can say now to get you to forgive me?"
He turned to look at her, took a big breath, and seemed to finally relax. "No big deal, Lorelai. I pretty much thought that's what had happened, that it slipped out without you even being aware of it. Like maybe it was just something you were used to saying at the end of a conversation, and you forgot who you were talking to."
She scoffed. "No, I love you isn't something I normally blurt out during random phone conversations. Or ever, really. It was just some kind of brain glitch, I guess. The main thing I want you to understand is how sorry I am that it glitched on you."
He nodded. "I appreciate you having the guts to talk to me about it."
"Well, I didn't want it to blow up into a big thing." She smiled weakly. "Although I guess it would be kind of ironic, if the thing that finally broke us apart was me saying I love you."
He gave a low chuckle. "Yeah, out all of the terrible things we've said to each other over the years, it was the I love you that destroyed the friendship."
"Exactly!"
"I did wonder, just briefly, if you were finally getting back at me for the day I asked you to marry me." He grinned at her. "I'll never forget the look on your face."
"Ha. Yeah. Right. That day." One of her least favorite memories, but she tried to smile convincingly. "I wish I would have thought to use that as an excuse, but no, just a brain fade on my part." The worst now over, she took her own deep breath. "We're cool, right?"
"So cool," he said wryly. "Like Ice, Ice Baby."
She legitimately laughed at that unexpected comment. "Well on that note from the 90s, I'm getting out of here. I think I've groveled enough."
"I'll be over next week to fix the screen."
"No rush. I'm sure I'll see you before that anyway. Rory will need more diner food to fortify her before she heads back to Yale."
"She's welcome anytime." He frowned though and crossed his arms over his chest. "But you're sure she's not a little pale?"
Refusing to answer, Lorelai turned and left the diner.
They did make it to the diner several times during Rory's visit home, but they always seemed to hit a rush and didn't have an opportunity for an uninterrupted chat with Luke. Monday morning started the same way, but he did manage to stop by Lorelai's table once, coffee pot in hand.
"If I can get closed up a little early tonight, I'll come by your house to look at the screen," he said, topping off her mug. "That sound OK?"
"Sure, but you don't have to do that on top of a full day's work," Lorelai pointed out. "Just wait until it's convenient."
"It's convenient tonight," he insisted. He looked over her shoulder, to where a customer was trying to flag him down.
"Then sure, tonight's fine," Lorelai said, deciding it was most expedient to just agree, so he could get on with his duties.
But he didn't leave her table immediately, even with the increasingly impatient customer. "Rory got back to Yale OK?"
"Yeah, safe and sound. Back to her OCD note-taking and her beloved towers of books."
He nodded, chewing his lip in thought. "And you still don't think she's pale? Because I was reading this article about college freshman and how they're prone to catching all kinds of things due to them not paying attention to their health, and I wouldn't want her to –"
"Luke! For the love of God, she's fine!" Lorelai took a breath. "Look, just go take care of the guy at the next table before he strokes out, OK?"
He gave her a dirty look and stomped away.
"See you tonight!" she called out to his back, trying to end their conversation on a better note. Then she sat there and drank her coffee, trying to stifle her irritation. How in the world did I love you ever slip out of her mouth to him, of all people? She shook her head, unable to reconcile those sweet words to the frustration that she so often felt after interacting with him.
"Stupid words," she muttered, and then gulped down more of his excellent coffee.
Luke knocked at the kitchen door shortly after eight o'clock, and she didn't even think it was strange that he knew her and her habits well enough to surmise that she'd be at the kitchen table, waiting for him. She opened the door and Bert led the way in.
"Hi," she said. "Thanks for coming."
He sort of nodded and shrugged at the same time. He sat Bert down and then motioned at the screen door. "Where's the hole?"
She pointed. "At the bottom."
He pushed the house door completely open and then got down on his knees to inspect the damage on the screen. He examined it from the inside and then the out, sticking the tip of his finger through the hole.
"I think it was some kind of animal that did it, don't you?" Lorelai asked, hoping to put the blame somewhere other than herself.
He didn't respond but looked around the kitchen. He spied a pair of her high heels on a mat by the door. He picked one up and compared the circumference of the heel's point to the round hole in the screen.
"Huh," Lorelai said. "I guess the animal had a small mouth. A small, round mouth."
"Right," Luke said dryly.
She cleared her throat. "Is it fixable?"
"Or replaceable."
"Replaceable? You mean, replace the whole door?" she asked nervously.
"If needed."
She and Sookie had been pricing so many building components lately that she had a pretty good idea how much a new door cost, and she also knew she didn't have the funds to put into her own home right now. Stupid Michel, it was all his fault. She was going to have to find a different way to deal with the never-ending stress he caused her, something other than kicking at screen doors. Maybe she could just go out behind the barn at the Dragonfly and scream as loudly as she could.
Meanwhile, Luke extracted a flat cellophane-wrapped package out of his shirt pocket. He opened it and took out what looked to be a small piece of mesh. He placed it over the hole, opened Bert, took out some pliers, and proceeded to bend the raw edges of the wire mesh all around the hole. He stood up. "Done," he said.
"Done?"
He nodded.
Her mouth dropped open. "That's it?"
"That's it." He latched the screen door shut, then closed the kitchen door.
"But…But…" She couldn't quite voice her problem with the repair. "But I could have done that!"
"Probably," he agreed. He handed the rest of the screen repair kit to her. "Save this for next time and you can. Or stop kicking the door and you won't have to."
She was still staring at him. "Then why did you say it might need to be replaced?"
He put the pliers back into the toolbox. "Because sometimes, Lorelai, it's just too much fun to mess with you."
A laugh burst out of her. "You're awful!"
He looked up at her with a brief but charming smile, and she felt her heart sort of give itself a hug, which was definitely a sensation she hadn't felt before. Or at least, she hadn't felt it since the last time she'd been hit with that smile.
"Do you want a beer?" she offered, trying to ignore the heart-hug.
She could tell he was going to say no, but then he paused and seemed to hesitate. "If it's not a bother, that sounds great."
"No bother," she assured him. They'd shared beers a couple of times over the years, often enough that she'd taken note of his preferred brand. Enough that she always had some of it in her own refrigerator.
As she went to the refrigerator, she pointed at the repair kit. "How much was that? Let me reimburse you."
"A couple of bucks. No big deal. The beer's enough repayment," he stated, taking a seat at the table.
She sat the bottles down and then went to a drawer to dig out the bottle opener. "How is it that you know all that stuff?"
"What stuff?"
"Repair stuff. How do you automatically know the right way to fix everything?" She flipped the bottle caps off and took her place at the table.
He stared at her for a moment. "You do know that I grew up in a hardware store, right?"
"Oh…right." She contemplated her bottle of beer. "Since I was never in the diner before it was a diner, I guess I regard the old hardware things as décor, not leftovers from another era."
"Well, I learned it all by example, growing up. Dad expected me to be able to competently help customers if he wasn't available."
"That's so weird, to think you had this whole previous hardware store life before I knew you."
He shrugged. "It's not so weird. You probably know plenty about the insurance industry because of your dad."
Her laugh was more of a scoff. "No."
"He didn't talk shop at the dinner table?"
"If you ever want to fall asleep in your asparagus souffle, ask him to explain actuarial tables." She shook her head. "Mom forbade any dinner conversation like that. She hated it, too. The only thing I ever heard were complaints if they had to make a major payout, or sometimes he'd tell Mom about some hot rumors or gossip about the higher ups. I gained my real insurance knowledge from on the job training at the Independence."
"Sounds like we were raised completely differently."
"No kidding." She watched as Luke raised his bottle and she rushed to clink her beer against his, scrambling to come up a toast on the spot. "So…here's to…me not loving you."
He laughed and tapped the bottle against hers. "I'll drink to that."
"Good. Because I still don't."
They each took a drink. Luke sat his bottle down and thoughtfully regarded it. "You're not fretting about that, are you?"
"Fretting?" Lorelai said disdainfully. "Of course not. I don't fret."
"Good."
"But…" For some reason, she felt the urge to be honest. "I have thought about it from time to time. You know, occasionally. Not obsessing, or anything like that. Just…some thoughts about it. On a sort of daily basis. Not for hours a day, though. Just minutes. Multiple minutes. Maybe multiple times a day. That's all."
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah," she admitted.
"Why? I thought we'd already agreed it was no big deal. Why is it still bothering you?"
"Because it's so freaky, first because I said it at all, and then didn't even realize I'd said it."
"Lorelai, I'd wager that you don't hear half of the crazy things you say every day. It was just a slip of the tongue. Get over it."
She pounced on that with relish. "Ooh, slip of the tongue! Is that something dirty?"
He sighed. "No, just an expression. Only you would think it was dirty."
"Let's put it to a vote. I bet everyone would think it referred to something dirty. Come on, tell me the truth, what did you think the first time you found out there's a city in Indiana called French Lick?"
He scowled at her. "Moving on, the point is, there's probably a really good reason why you said it. You told me that you heard Rory come home. I bet you say that to her all the time. Your brain just flipped the dialogue on you, that's all. From me, to her, and then back again, in a split second."
"Hmm, that's a good theory, but I don't say I love you to her all the time. I say it…like never."
He stopped in the middle of taking a drink. "You don't tell Rory you love her?"
"No. I mean, I do love her. She knows. We know. We know how we feel about each other. It just doesn't come out in words very often."
"Then what do you say when she leaves or you hang up the phone?"
"I usually tell her to study hard, but not so hard that she forgets to flirt with all of the cute boys."
Luke's mouth dropped open. "Are you serious?"
"And she usually tells me not to do anything slutty."
He propped his elbow on the table, then leaned his head into his hand. "I don't know how that girl has stayed so sweet, in spite of your constant attempts to warp her."
"She's not warped. We just have our own kind of love language, that's all."
"OK, so you don't say it Rory," he accepted. "But you have to say it sometimes. To your parents, maybe?"
"God, no!" She shook her head at him. "You've met my parents, Luke. Do you honestly think that Emily and Richard Gilmore are the type of people you say I love you to?"
"Not even when you were little?"
"Well, maybe. I suppose yes, when I was a kid. Before I was taught to keep all emotions under check. You don't just fling that stuff around, you know. Heaven forbid you say it to the wrong sort of person. What if there's no trust fund?"
He was silent and she took a drink while he absorbed what she'd said. "What about you?" she eventually asked. "Were you an I love you sort of family?"
He looked surprised that she'd turned the question around on him, and he shifted in his seat. "Well, when I was a kid, sure. With my dad, I guess it was like you and Rory. We knew, we didn't need to say it. But my mom…" He drifted off for a moment. "She was an I love you mom. No doubt about that. You couldn't go out the door without her shouting it after you."
Lorelai held her breath, as if some thought-to-be extinct bird had suddenly made an appearance at her kitchen table and any unexpected movement would scare it off. She kept her words soft. "I don't think I've ever heard you talk about her before, Luke."
His eyes met hers. "Yeah. I – I don't. But she was what every mother should be."
"I'm sorry," she said gently.
He nodded. "You know, it was bad enough to not have her. To have this terrible hole in our family; to look at my dad and see that he was on the verge of just collapsing into this pit of sadness. But then, the pity was almost worse. To hear other mothers tell your friends, 'Be nice to poor Luke, he doesn't have a mom.' To see it on every teacher's face."
Lorelai stretched her hand across the table, to touch his. She then hoped that involuntary gesture on her part wouldn't be the thing to stop his reminiscing.
"I think…I think that was why I leaned into the sports thing, once I found out I was good at it. I gave me a different identity, a different way to stand out. After a while, everyone sort of forgot they were supposed to feel sorry for me."
"That makes sense," she agreed.
"And I also think…" He was on a philosophical roll now. "That day at Rory's graduation. What she said about you. I think that's why it hit me so hard to hear what she said about you, because I wished I could have said something like that to my mom. Or that she could have been there at my graduation."
To her embarrassment, Lorelai became aware of a couple of tears sliding down her cheeks. He saw them and instantly came back to the present.
"Lorelai," he said, a warning.
"It's fine. I'm fine," she insisted, dashing the wayward tears away. "It's OK, at least I'm not blubbering."
He gave her a faint smile. "See that you don't," he instructed her, and clicked his bottle against hers again.
They both took a deep drink, trying to get back to normal.
He returned to the previous topic. "OK, so you don't say I love you to Rory or your folks. But you –" He paused to look at her significantly. "You surely say it to your boyfriends."
"No," she said, with a shrug.
"You? Come on! Of course you do!"
"Why would you think that?"
"Because you're you! You say every cockamamie thing that enters your head! I can only imagine the things you say to them on a regular basis."
She looked at him coldly. "I don't think I even want to get into what you might mean by that. But no, I told you, I don't just toss those words around. I don't tell the guys I date that I love them."
"Come on!" She could tell he thought she was lying to him. "Rory's dad? You don't say it to him? Give me a break!"
"Back in the day? Back when I was still scribbling 'Mrs. Erik Estrada' on my notebook cover? Yeah, maybe then. But I've grown up a lot since those days, Luke. Gotten a lot smarter. A lot more careful about stuff like that."
He put his hands flat on the table and glared at her. "How about the teacher? Max? You said it to him, right?" He sounded smug, as if he knew better than she did.
"No, I didn't," she said crispy. "Which was one of the reasons the wedding didn't actually happen."
That shocked him. He just stared at her, and while he was staring, she recalled how well turning the tables had worked on him before. "How about you? You tell all your girlfriends that you love them, do you?"
He sat back in his chair and rubbed his forehead. "Well…yeah," he said.
Now she was the one reeling. "You tell them you love them?" she screeched at him.
"Not in a 'til death do us part' sort of way. More just to be polite. You know how it is. There just comes a time, if you care about the relationship at all, that when they say it, you need to say it back."
Instantly, she was irate. "You mean, if the goal is to get them into bed."
"Hey!" His anger flowed across the table to her, like lava. She could feel the heat of it. "You do not get to say anything like that to me, ever!"
She held up her hands in acknowledgement that she'd overstepped. "Sorry. But I can't wrap my head around you just throwing out 'I love yous' on a regular basis. To Rachel, sure, I know how much she meant to you. But Nicole? Did you say it to Nicole?"
"Nicole and I never got that far."
"Then I don't get it, Luke. I just don't."
He sighed and took a drink before answering. "Look, you've been out in the world a long time. You're not naïve. There are just things you have to do. If someone says thanks, you say you're welcome. If a customer asks for something extra, you say no problem, even if it is. If someone says have a nice day, you say 'you too', even if you really want to tell them to go to hell. It's just the price of being out in polite society." He took another drink. "And sometimes, if your girlfriend says I love you, you have to say, 'oh yeah, sure, me too.'" He shrugged.
"You think I should tell every guy who buys me dinner that I love him?"
"No, of course not. I never said that. My point is that if you're dating someone you care about, if the relationship is working, and it gets to the point where they say the I love you thing, you need to acknowledge it somehow."
"So you lie to them."
"Oh, for…" He groaned. "I don't know why you're making this so difficult."
"I'm not trying to be difficult! I just thought you'd be on my side!"
"There are sides to this?"
"Yes! And I assumed you'd agree with me that saying I love you is something serious!"
"Sometimes it is. But sometimes it's just something you say to keep everyone happy." He examined the label on the bottle. "So, tell me this. What do you say when a boyfriend says it to you?"
Suddenly there was another conversation in her head, one from years before, the words drifting around her head strongly enough to cause an out-of-time breeze that made her shiver.
"You OK?" Luke asked, sounding genuinely concerned. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you look pale. Even for you, you're pale."
"I'm a hypocrite," she muttered.
"Why?"
She tried to return her focus to him. "Do you remember back when Dean broke up with Rory? The first time? When Jess was not involved?"
"Yeah, I might have some memories of that," he said dryly. "It wasn't my finest hour."
"Well, I found out that the reason they broke up was because Dean told Rory he loved her, and she didn't say it back. Couldn't say it back. It was a deer in the headlights sort of situation. And I talked to her about it. Tried to give her advice; to tell her that it was OK to have emotions and to say the words. I even told her –" She paused to give a bitter laugh. "Told her that I'd hate to think I'd raised a kid who couldn't say I love you."
"That sounds like good advice to me. What's the problem?"
"She asked me if I could do it, and I said I was working on it. But I'm not. I haven't. It's what? Three years later? And nothing's changed with me. I'm a hypocrite. I can dish out the advice but can't take it."
"Don't be so hard on yourself. I don't even think that we're on different sides about this. You're saying that a real I love you should be a big deal, and I agree. But there are other times, times when it's just something to say, to take away that deer in the headlights panic, maybe. And that was you the other night on the phone when you said it to me. They were just words. You didn't mean them. You just used them to fill in a gap in the conversation. You shouldn't fret about it anymore. It's over and done with, and I never imagined taking them at face value. OK?"
"OK," she said, because that seemed the appropriate response.
They sat quietly and nursed their beers for a few minutes.
"Can I ask you one more thing?" she ventured.
He sighed yet again. "I'll probably regret this, but sure. Go ahead, ask away."
"How many times have you said it and meant it?"
He looked down at the tabletop. "Once," he said, his voice gruff.
"Rachel?"
He nodded. "And before you get the wrong idea about it, that's why she left. She knew, she could tell that I didn't anymore, and we were way past the polite stage with each other. She knew, and she left."
She absorbed everything he'd said. "OK, thanks for the clarity there. As I think we've now exhausted the topic, I'm letting it go."
"Thank God." For a second he looked relieved, but then a frown appeared. "And we're still OK, right?"
"Ice Ice Baby," she responded, which made him grin.
The rest of the screen repair night went well. Lorelai talked him into having another beer, and then she produced a deck of cards and they played her version of poker until it was past bedtime for both of them. When she followed him to the door they said goodnight, and as he walked away across the porch, she yelled, "I don't love you!" She heard him laugh and saw his casual backwards wave, which told her that all was normal in their world.
For a few days, normalcy prevailed. Dragonfly construction progressed, and she and Sookie met with contractors and looked for furnishings. Even though Michel continued to be a pain in her ass, she didn't kick the screen door again. She talked to Rory as often as she could and went to the diner for nourishment, and not just the kind that came from food. It became an amusing habit for her to say, "I still don't love you," to Luke as she paid her bill. "Good, because I don't love you either," he'd retort, as he handed the change back to her. Townspeople close enough to hear them looked surprised, maybe even alarmed, but gradually they realized it was just one of their jokes and they smiled along with them.
But then gradually, things changed. Lorelai found herself staring out of windows for no reason. She'd watch a movie on TV, the movie would end, and she'd realize she hadn't paid any attention to the plot. Sleep was intermittent as she rehashed their conversation about saying those three little words. After so much pondering, she reached the one conclusion that made sense. Soon thereafter, she got to the point where she could no longer keep it to herself.
Inevitably, the night came when she had no choice but to walk to the diner. It was late, almost closing time.
"Coffee?" Luke asked, as she climbed up on a stool.
"No."
He had already turned to grab a mug. He looked back at her over his shoulder. "Sorry, what?"
"I'm not here for coffee. Unless, you know, you've got some going to waste. Then, I'm your gal."
"What's going on?" he asked, immediately suspicious, which proved once again that he did know her pretty well.
"Just wanted some conversation, I guess," she said, wrapping her words in a flirty smile.
"No," he said flatly.
"No…what?"
"Just no. No to whatever you've got spinning through that head of yours."
"You're honestly telling me you're refusing to talk to me?"
He turned away, processing that. He then sighed and turned back. "What did you want to talk about?" he asked somewhat politely, but grudgingly.
She was so ready to launch into it. "Well, Luke, I've been thinking a lot about why I ended up saying what I said, and I think maybe –"
"Wait, wait, wait! This is still about that inconsequential phone conversation from a couple of weeks ago?"
"Inconsequential is not the way I'd categorize it. And yes, I have this new theory, and if you'd just listen to it, I think –"
"No!" he said emphatically. "Lorelai, for God's sake, no!" With an angry energy about him, he started to walk away.
"Luke, come on," she tried to cajole him.
"You come on!" He came back to the counter and she could tell that her instinct was right, he was angry. "Look, I've been a good sport about this. I've let you hash it out, and that wasn't all bad. We ended up having two productive talks about it. But that's enough. I'm through with it; I'm done. You need to hear what I'm saying. I'm not digging through it again."
"You're being unreasonable. If you'd just listen for a minute –"
"If I'd just listen? Good God, do you even hear yourself?"
"Luke, I really think this might be a solution for us –"
"Go home," he said, in such a cold, precise way that she knew compromise was no longer an option from him. "You need to leave. Now. That's it." He spun around and began to stomp towards the kitchen.
She slid off the stool, incredulous. "You're throwing me out?"
"Well, what do you know?" he snarked back at her. "I guess you do listen occasionally."
Irritated and hurt, Lorelai marched to the door. She flung it open, causing the bells to jingle like crazy. But then, before she stormed out, she looked back at the dining room. It was so late that the space was empty of customers. No one else was going to be coming in at this hour. She glanced at the doorway to the kitchen, where Luke was undoubtedly shutting down for the night. Making an instantaneous decision, she quietly stepped back inside. She slammed the door closed as hard as she could, abusing the poor bells again. Keeping her steps light, she scurried across the floor and ducked under the dividing curtain. Carefully, she peeked out from the edge of the material.
Not more than a minute later, Luke came out from the kitchen to make sure that she was gone. He went to the door and locked it, then shut the blinds. He stood there for another moment, looked down at the floor, and rubbed at his forehead. Sympathy exploded through her as she worried that maybe he had a headache. She watched covertly as he wearily went back to the kitchen.
She carefully climbed the stairs, where she could sit and wait for him to find her later. After all, once he heard what she had to say, he wouldn't be angry that she stayed.
Cleaning up the kitchen and the dining room took forever. She was bored beyond belief and her butt had gone completely numb. As she shifted her position on the top step for about the gazillionth time, she reflected again on how glad he'd be to see her.
At least, once he got over being angry and judgmental and actually listened to her, he'd be glad. He could just be so stubborn, she thought, shaking her head.
She heard the lights being switched off and his footsteps heading her way. She sat up straight, prepared to confront him. She quickly ran her hands over her hair and tugged down her jacket, making sure she was presentable.
He pushed through the curtain.
"Hi," she said, trying to give him a bit of warning with a greeting and a cheery little wave, because she'd suddenly realized that her unexpected appearance might scare him to death.
Unfortunately, that's exactly what happened. The cheery little wave didn't help at all. He jumped about a foot from the shock.
"Lorelai!" he thundered. "What the hell!?" He glared up at her, one hand pressed against his chest, where undoubtedly his heart was pounding.
"Sorry," she winced. "I didn't mean to startle you."
He took a shaky breath. "Right. Why would you sitting here in the dark, ready to ambush me like some murderous Ghost of Christmas Past startle me at all. Just a normal, everyday occurrence."
"Maybe I'm the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come," Lorelai suggested optimistically.
"Go home," he said, and started up the stairs.
"Luke, if you'd just give me a couple of minutes here, I'm pretty sure we can clear this all up."
"Lorelai, for the love of God, there's nothing to clear up!"
"I'm pretty sure there is," she insisted.
He was now standing two steps below her. "I can't, OK?" She watched as the muscle in his jaw jumped around, a sure sign of high emotional conflict in him. "I can't. I just can't. I cannot talk about this again. You've got to drop this, because I don't have the strength to listen to you analyze it up, down and sideways again while I try to be the voice of reassurance. I. Just. Can't." His voice sounded raw.
Speaking of analyzing, she wished she had time to dig into whatever the meaning was behind those words, because she bet that'd be fascinating. But right now, she needed to press on and get him to listen to her. She took a breath in preparation, but he cut her off before she could even start.
"Look, it's been a brutal day. Long and brutal. I passed exhausted before dinner service even started. All I want to do –" He pointed over her head, towards his apartment. "– is to get inside, take a shower, and go to bed. That's it."
Take a shower and go to bed made a delicious warm tingle slide around inside of her. She quivered and tried to regain her focus. "I understand, but seriously, this won't take that long."
"Dear God!" He leaned against the banister, covering his face with his hands for a few seconds. "It's not going to take any time, because it's not happening! Why can't you understand that it's no big deal? Why are you obsessing over this? It's over and done with! It didn't mean anything to you! It didn't mean anything to me! Go home and forget it!"
"It was no big deal?" Lorelai said curtly, abruptly shifting from conciliatory to irritated.
"Exactly! No big deal at all!"
Anger suddenly manifested in her. "No big deal," she enunciated clearly and coldly. "Is that right?"
"They were just three words out of the billions and billions you've said to me over the years. Nothing special about them. They were just three additional random things that fell out of your mouth one day."
She jumped to her feet, her hands balled into fists. "Fine! If they were no big deal, then you say them!"
He looked confused. Maybe nervous. "What?"
"If saying I love you is no big deal, then you say it to me! Right here, right now! Show me how it's done! Show me how wrong I am!" she dared him.
"Why? Why would I do that?" he countered.
"Because…then it's over." She was breathing hard.
"Over how?"
"Finished, as in I'll let it go. You show me how easy it is and I'll drop the whole thing. You'll never hear about it again."
"Like I believe that," he muttered.
"Try me," she challenged him.
"Fine," he said crankily. "So I say it, and that's it?"
"That's it," she agreed.
"Fine," he said again. He took a breath.
Standing on the stairs the way they were, he had to look up to meet her eyes. She was looking down at him, watching as his mouth began to form the words.
He started energetically. "I love –" he stated, before cutting himself off.
Lorelai nodded in encouragement.
He gave a small cough, regrouped. "I lo…" This time he just faded off.
"Go on. Remember, it's easy," she chided him.
He looked annoyed. "I…um, I…" was all he got out that time.
She raised an eyebrow and folded her arms over her chest.
"This isn't fair!" he fumed.
"What's not fair?"
"You said it over the phone! You didn't have to stand here and say it to my face!"
"Oh, goodness, we must have fairness!" Lorelai mocked him. "Fine, whatever." She pulled her phone out of her pocket. "I've got a phone." She pointed to his door. "You've got a phone. Go call me."
"I will!"
She moved to the side of her step so he had room to move past her. For someone who was exhausted, he nevertheless tore past her and rushed down the landing to his door. She watched as he entered the apartment and disappeared from her sight.
Then she waited. It seemed like she waited a long time. Eventually she sat down on the step again, holding her phone and staring at it intently, willing it to ring. But when it finally did, she jumped.
She opened it and held it to her ear. "Let's hear it," she told him.
"Go home," he said.
Now she was the one confused. "What?"
"Go home," he said again. "This is over. I'm done. Go downstairs, unlock the door and leave. I'll lock it again later. Or, you know what? I don't care if someone comes in and robs me blind. I just want this night over. Go home, Lorelai."
"But – but we had an agreement!"
"I got what I wanted, I'm inside my apartment. You're welcome to sit there on the stairs all night if you want to, but my part of this is over. I suggest you go home."
The line went dead.
"Luke!" she screamed. She climbed the last step and power-walked to his door. "Luke!" she yelled, pounding on the glass. "Luke!"
She yelled some more, most of it not flattering to the apartment's occupant. Then she heard water running. Apparently the take a shower part of the night was starting, and…truthfully, she wasn't exactly sure how that made her feel. With her cheeks flaming, she took a page from Luke's usual behavior and stomped down the stairs.
And when she got to the diner's door, she slammed it shut behind her for the second time that night.
A terrible ruckus startled her out of sleep. Terrified, she switched on the bedside lamp, trying to get her bearings. Almost at the same time, she realized the noise was her phone ringing, and then she perceived it was the middle of the night, which threw her into a panic, because nothing good ever comes from the calls in the middle of the night.
While reaching for the device, she flashed on Rory and all of the possible traumas that would necessitate a middle of the night phone call. Then she thought about her father and his heart. Good and truly scared, it took her shaking hands two tries to flip the phone open.
That's when she saw that the number calling her was Luke's – not Rory's, not her family, not some unknown hospital.
"Luke?" she wailed out, unable to reverse out of her circle of fears. "What's wrong? Are you OK?"
There was only silence for some long, long, moments, which to her felt like forever due to the scare she'd just had.
Finally, there was his voice. Quiet, gruff, and drenched in a tone that could only be described as tender.
"I love you, Lorelai," he whisper-spoke.
That was all. The call disconnected.
She was breathing hard, staring out at the darkness just past the small light cast by the lamp. She pressed the phone to her chest, replaying from memory his voice – saying those words – over and over. Minutes passed and she grew calmer, and finally she felt centered enough to hit redial on her phone.
It rang multiple times before he finally answered. "Morning," was his terse greeting.
"I'm surprised you answered," she said softly, with a smile.
He almost laughed. "Yeah, uh, me too."
"So, you won."
"I won?"
"Absolutely. I set you a challenge and you completed it. You won."
"What did I win?"
"You don't remember? I promised not to torture you anymore with discussions about our other experience with those three words."
He was quiet for a spell. "But…?" he finally said.
She laughed. It was a joy to talk to someone who knew her so well. "But…if you could do me a favor and listen to me for maybe three minutes, I think I might be able to shed some light on the whole thing."
"That's me winning? That sounds pretty much like the opposite of a win," he said with a sigh. "But fine. Let's get it over with."
"You'll remember that your theory about why I said it was because it must be something I said all the time, to everyone. A theory that we've since disproved. And my explanation was that it was a legitimate brain disconnect. But the more I've thought about it, the more I think Rory was the one who nailed it."
"Why? What did Rory say?"
"When she repeated my words back to me that night, my response was, 'Why would I say I love you to Luke?' And she said, 'Maybe because you do.'" She paused, waiting to see if he'd have anything to say about that, but there was only silence on his end. "You know my smart kid. She turns out to be right about 99 percent of the time."
Again, no comment from him.
"Anyway," she said breezily, deciding the best action for now might be to just wrap the conversation up without any demands on him, "you can ponder that, think about it, analyze it, and if you ever feel like talking about it, we can. You know where to find me."
After a long, nervous pause, he spoke. "You'll be in the diner for breakfast?"
OK, then. Apparently they weren't going to broach the topic now. She could live with that.
"Yeah, I'll be in." She looked at the darkness. "Not now, though. Not for hours. I mean, it's the middle of the night!"
"It's morning," he disputed. "I'm going to work."
"Maybe it's morning for you. For normal people, it's the middle of the night."
"You are nothing like a normal person."
She groaned. "I set you up for that one."
"You'll be in, what? Eight, nine?"
"Let's say closer to nine."
"OK, I'll see you then."
"Bye," she said softly. Maybe even tenderly.
Lorelai turned off the light, laid down on her back and stared up at the ceiling, the phone still clutched in her hands. She reran his sweet words in her head until she finally fell back asleep, warm and happy from sheer delight.
"Morning," Lorelai said, walking up to counter. "This is the real, actual morning, in case you're interested."
Luke looked her over, then turned towards the kitchen. "Caesar, I'm stepping off now. You've got this?"
"Got it," Caesar replied from the grill area.
Luke came around the counter to where she'd taken a seat. He motioned for her to come with him.
"Oh, we're going someplace?" she asked in confusion, standing up. She held her purse out to him. "Should I take my purse?"
He rolled his eyes, took the purse from her, walked smartly behind the counter again, and stashed it somewhere out of sight. Then he came back around to her, took her elbow, and guided her across the dining room floor.
He held the curtain aside as they passed through. Lorelai thought maybe they were going upstairs, but he directed her past the staircase. Then she thought they were headed to the storeroom, but he didn't stop there, either. They continued down the hallway until they were directly in front of the door to the alley. Lorelai waited for him to open the door, guessing that they were going outside, since there was nowhere else to go.
Instead, he turned towards her, and automatically, she mirrored his position. He seemed to be getting ready to say something, and she was eager to hear what it was. To her surprise, his hands settled gently on her shoulders, and he then leaned towards her in a way that she recognized, even though she never expected Luke to lean her way like that. In response, she put her hands on his shoulders, too, and slightly raised up on her tiptoes, just enough to be able to meet him halfway.
The kiss was soft and gentle. Nice. Very nice, in fact. Lorelai put her arms around his neck, bringing him a little closer. His arms went around her back, drawing her tighter. That was nice, too. Very, very nice. He then tilted his head a certain way and the kiss went from exceptionally nice to an out-of-this-world experience.
He broke the kiss but then kissed her lips quickly several more times, as if he couldn't help it. He still embraced her. "Sorry," he whispered to her. "I wanted to talk to you, to try and explain how I feel, how I've felt about you for so long, but then…you were just standing there, and I thought kissing you might be a better use of the time."
"Oh, yeah. Definitely better." She drew him towards her again. This time, she tilted her head and he made a noise to indicate he was on the rocket ship to the stars, too. This kiss was exactly, precisely what it needed to be for two people who'd said all of the words they'd said to each other. The next one was perfect, too. And the one after that. And the baker's dozen that followed after those.
"So," she said, trying to get her mouth back into talking mode, "you were saying something about how you've felt for so long?"
"Oh, Lorelai," he whispered, clutching her tight. "Since the first day I met you, sweetheart."
Maybe that didn't really answer her question, but still, she understood. She understood because something about him had been circling about her heart since that first day, too, even if she'd fought hard to ignore it. She embraced him back and the kisses commenced again.
Luke was the one who finally tried to get them back on solid ground after their joyful trip through the cosmos. "We need to stop this and get back in the diner before someone pokes their head back here."
Lorelai groaned in disappointment. "Or," she said, pointing at the door, "we could just escape out there and disappear together."
He looked at the door and then back at her. "You know what? That's exactly what I'd like to do, truthfully."
"Disappear?" she asked, not following.
"If we're starting something…?" he began, uncertainly. He looked questioningly at her, and she nodded enthusiastically back at him. "Then, yeah, I wish we could go away. Start somewhere other than in Stars Hollow."
"But…" she was still lost. "We do live in Stars Hollow."
"I know. But you know what it's going to be like as soon as word gets out that we're dating or together or whatever. We're going to be under the gossip microscope. Everyone's going to be dissecting everything we say and do. And I just wish we could escape that, just for a little bit. Just long enough to get our feet under us. Long enough to make sure that this is going to work."
"You don't think we're going to work?" she fretted.
"No, I do. Lorelai, I do," he reassured her. "But it would just be nice to have some time together, alone, first. Where no one's watching us. Where we're free to say what we want and do what we want and act the way we want to. Then we come back here, already solid, and face the scrutiny."
She got what he was saying. It made sense. And although she was completely sure they were embarking upon what was going to be a long and happy relationship, the thought of what would happen if they imploded made her tremble. The town would be unrelenting if they broke up.
"OK," she nodded. "Where do you want to go and when do you want to leave?"
"I don't care and as soon as possible."
She chuckled. "Why don't I search for some destinations this afternoon and get back to you? We should both check our schedules, too, to make sure we can swing a clandestine getaway."
"You check yours," he told her, enfolding her in his arms again. "I promise you I'll make it work, no matter what I have to do."
Then they snuck in a few more kisses, while telling each other they needed to stop and get back out in public before someone figured out what was going on.
They walked to the curtained doorway. Once there, Lorelai straightened his shirt and hat, making sure he was ready to be seen. He smiled and settled her curls about her shoulders, wiped off a bit of smeared lip gloss from the underside of her mouth. Which was so sexy she just had to kiss him again.
Then, ready to go, he took her hand. She stopped him and held up their clasped hands, shaking her head. He kissed her hand before he reluctantly dropped it.
But still, one of his hands stayed on the small of her back as they made their way to the counter. Lorelai suspected that since she was glowing with happiness, chances were good that any observers could pick up on what had happened between them no matter how much they tried to disguise it.
She took her place on her regular stool and Luke walked around to the business side of the counter.
"Breakfast?" he asked, trying to segue back into his gruff diner persona.
"Is there waffle batter left?"
"Yes."
"Will you make me waffles?"
"Yes."
"Would you say yes even if there wasn't any waffle batter left?"
"Yes," he said flirtatiously, and suddenly dipped her way, as if he'd forgotten for a moment that he couldn't kiss her out in the open. At least, not yet. Maybe when they got back from their away from Stars Hollow trip that would mark their beginning, things would change.
He pulled himself away and grabbed for the order pad, writing furiously. "What do you want with the waffles? Bacon? Sausage?"
"Hmm," she murmured, looking down demurely, "that sounds like you're setting me up with that one."
He choked a little bit and she grinned at him. "Let's keep the rating family-friendly. I'll take bacon."
"Great," he muttered. "I'll get it started. Shouldn't take long."
"Take your time. I need to go make a phone call."
He sort of nodded and turned to leave, but then stopped and stared at her. "Wait, what?"
"I'm going to step outside to make a phone call."
His eyes opened wider. "Why would you do that?"
She pointed at the cellphone sign. "Because the guy who runs this place doesn't like his customers talking on their phones."
"But…you've never followed that rule. In fact, you've always made fun of me for it, and frankly, I've assumed, if we ever did – you know "– he gestured vaguely between them – "that it would be even worse. That you'd take advantage in any way you could, just because you could. Why take your calls outside now?"
She leaned his way and felt her eyes sparkle at him. "Maybe it's because now I have more incentive to keep you happy."
He frowned at first, as if he couldn't quite comprehend what she was saying, but pretty soon he smiled. "Well, what do you know?" he remarked, sounding pleased.
"Yeah, what do you know," Lorelai said softly. "Keep my seat warm. I'll be back."
She didn't walk too far from the diner's door before opening her cell and punching a number.
"Make it snappy," Rory instructed.
"On the way to class?"
"Yep, and I'm a little late, so unless you want to hear me wheezing like a racehorse ready to be put out to pasture, just give me the highlights. I've got two flights of stairs to climb."
"Got it. Highlights only. Here we go." But she stopped and took a breath, suddenly nervous. "So, I'm sure you remember that I made a promise to you recently, about notifying you prior to me giving my heart to some guy."
"Go on," Rory said cautiously. The background clatter on her end quieted, as if she had stepped away from the mad dash to class.
Lorelai screwed up her courage. "Well, Kid, I'm pretty sure that I'm telling him I love him within the next twenty minutes, so this is the call warning you that it's going to happen."
"Where are you?"
"Right outside the diner. Luke's making me waffles, and…well, you know how much I love waffles."
"Oh, Mom!" Rory cried out in excitement.
"Are you OK with that?"
"You're sure you haven't wove him a scarf or will shove him later?"
"You were right, Kid. The reason I said it to him that night on the phone is because…I do love him. I think I have for a long time."
"I'm so happy. I'm happy for you, I'm happy for Luke, and I'm happy for me, too. And if I wasn't ready to fight through a mass of Yale humanity right now and get my aerobic step-climbing in, I'd come up with a better synonym than happy. But I am, Mom. I really, really am!"
"I'm happy too, just so you know. Listen, I'll call you later and give you all the details."
"You'd better."
"Oh hey – Rory?" Lorelai took another breath. "I love you, Kid."
"I love you too, Mom. Now go eat your love waffles." She started to pant. "Hanging up now."
"Bye, Sweets!"
Lorelai closed her phone and slipped it back in her pocket. When she looked up, there was Luke bringing her plate of food to the counter. He raised his head and saw her outside the window. Over the distance, their eyes met and held. The best smile she'd ever seen broke over his face.
A smile meant just for her.
A smile that she was pretty sure was full of love.
And she smiled the same smile right back at him.
Author's Chat: I know, this wasn't what I was supposed to be writing, but it seemed so fun and I thought I could get it done in no time and then move on, but...life. Now that it's out of the way, I'll be good, I promise. This one was just a lighthearted, feel-good 'What if." I thought it would be fun for them to find out that some of the things they thought they 'knew' about the other weren't exactly true. Anyway, hope it brings some smiles and enjoyment to you during these first days of Pumpkin Spice season!