I couldn't add this to the description, but this will be a polyamorous fic, eventually. The story also contains Mattheo Riddle and Lorenzo Berkshire, but did not allow me to add them.

This story contains cursing, mentions of self-harm (past and present in future chapters), and past body shaming by past romantic interests. It will contain sex of many different kinks and varieties.

The OC does struggle with mental health issues and is attempting to recover with help. Do not use this as a guide for help or recovery in any way. If you are struggling with these issues or find them triggering, please do not read and seek help. Triggers may not always be mentioned before each chapter, but I will do my best to try and remember.

I do not own any information other than my OC and subsequent storyline changes. Please enjoy reading and comment on any suggestions you may have.

...

Fey Pov

The train roared on the tracks, and the crowd of students said their final goodbyes before scrambling on. I pushed my way through, keeping my head down and eyes on the floor.

My new hair, face, and body made sure of that. I knew that it was unlikely that anyone would recognize me, but if for even a moment I slipped and reverted back to what my metamorphmagus magic kept hidden, my secret would be out.

Starting over after that would be much harder, and I would rather not have to deal with the headache.

I pursued the compartments one by one and found them filled as I went with laughing and excited students.

I wished I was brave enough to join them, but the thought of their eyes on me made me sweat and my heart race.

What would they think?

I could only imagine what would go through their minds.

What a freak.

Shouldn't she already have friends?

What a fucking cow. How could she think we would want to be seen with her?

Yeah, I'll pass on that humiliation.

I don't need friends, I have books to keep me company and letters to send to my gram back home. I just needed to keep my head down until I arrived at the castle. Then, I could sneak off to my dorm, and no one would be the wiser once again.

Conversation faded, and the compartments emptied slowly until I found one I could occupy on my own. Sliding into the plush seat, I let out the breath I had been holding and relaxed.

Outside the window, buildings passed by in a blur, and slowly, they were replaced with stretched farmland. The inky sky melded with that of the day, and hues of pink and orange painted the sky as the sun set, slowly disappearing over the horizon.

The full moon slipped high in the sky, and knowing it was now or next month, I pulled my bag up from the floor and rummaged through the pockets until I found the small vial I had smuggled from my father's potions stores.

Mandrake leaves.

I slipped the dried leaf into my mouth against my cheek and cringed at the bitter taste.

It was truly awful, but it had to be done if I wanted to be an animagus like my gran. Much like expired milk mixed with fire whiskey, the bitter and sour taste filled my mouth, causing me to gag as the leaf slipped to the back of my throat.

I pulled it out and coughed, pounding on my chest to clear my lungs, "Fucking hell." Not even a minute in, and the damn leaf was wasted.

Sighing heavily, I tossed the leaf in my bag and slipped another in against my cheek. This time, I was prepared for the bitter taste, and I closed my mouth around it to seal it there.

I thought back to my gran sitting in her old rocker. Holding my hand in hers, smiling.

"I used to be able to turn into a little fox," she giggled

"Really?" I asked, astonished, "How?"

Her eyes twinkled, "I'm an animagus darning. I may be too old to change now, but I can still feel my sleepy little fox inside my heart."

"When did you do it?"

My gran looked around carefully, checking to see if anyone would overhear, "At Hogwarts," she held up a finger to her lips and shushed me, "I stole the leaves from my grandad."

She looked so proud of herself then. Smiling and squeezing my hand tightly.

"What kind of fox are you?"

"A red fox. Fast as hell and sneaky."

She winked at me.

"I want to be an animagus too…"

She looked at me carefully, "Do you really?"

I nodded vigorously, "Yes. I- I want to be more than just this…" I waved my free hand down at myself and frowned.

She looked at me sadly and nodded, "It takes a lot of work. Dedication to make the transformation happen… and things can still go wrong…"

"I'll do whatever it takes, Gran…"

Knocking sounded at the door, freeing me from my memory. The trolly woman pulled it open, smiling as I shoved the leaves back into my bag.

"Anything off the trolly dear?"

I shook my head and gave her a small smile.

"Alright, dear. We'll be arriving shortly. Better get dressed into your robes soon."

I looked down at my torn trousers and worn jumper, they were my favorite. The best thing to wear on a long train ride is comfortable and breezy.

I locked the compartment and drew the shades before pulling off my muggle clothes. The body I transformed into for the year was completely different from reality. I used my abilities to hide my soft stomach, jiggling thighs, and every scar that marred the once-smooth skin. I didn't change myself much just enough to make it bearable so I could look in the mirror in the morning and not feel as if everyone was staring at me as I walked the corridors.

Using the magic was hard, but it was harder to go without. It was harder to hear the whispers, see the heads turning, and even harder to feel his eyes on me again.

I shook the thoughts from my mind and pulled on my school uniform. The skirt fit much the same as it always did, slightly too tight and barely long enough. I pulled the rest of my clothes on and held my robes around myself tightly.

There was a squeezing in my chest and a sudden need to bury myself in blankets and never see the light of day again, but that wasn't an option.

My therapist told me that it was a symptom of my anxiety. Wanting to hide and not face the scary feelings.

When I feel scared, she tells me that I needed to face them.

I told her they were scary and I didn't want to.

She told me to suck it up and do it anyways…

…not really, but she kind of did.

She really told me that I couldn't live my life being afraid, but I don't know how to do anything else.

I've always been afraid.

I've always been scared of something, spiders, the dark, people, being alone. Now that I've grown up, I'm only scared of spiders and people.

I am scared of what people think about me, of crowded places where people are, when people yell, and of strangers.

Shoving everything into my bag was harder this time because I was also trying to shove in my anxiety. I'm trying to lock it away in my bag with my muggle clothes.

It didn't work.

Disappointed and fueled by said unremovable anxiety, I used the reflection from the window to comb my long brown hair. I had chosen a dark color to blend into my robes. Analyzing my face, I adjusted my features until I looked as average as the next witch. The only thing I wish I could hide were my eyes. They were the only part of my body I was unable to change at will. I was stuck with them. Naturally, they were a soft, mossy green, but they flared with strong emotions along with the rest of my appearance.

My father told me it was common to have something we couldn't control. After all, nothing was perfect, but damn, what I wouldn't give to be able to hide them and truly be someone new. I twitched my nose, making it slightly smaller, and then secured my green tie around my neck.

There was about five minutes until the train would arrive. I could already feel it slowing down, and peering out the window and along the tracks, I could see the lake and grounds looming up ahead. I needed to move now if I wanted to beat the crowd.

Stuffing everything into my bag, I slid my wand into my hand and murmured a silent spell over it. It should keep most students out of my things, and with an average and ratty-looking bag, it should also keep any professors from peering any closer.

I could hear the students laughing in the hall between compartments, but thankfully, I was still alone. Moving quickly and quietly, I trotted to the front of the train, where it would be easier to exit.

This year, I would need to take the carriages to the castle. I needed to hurry if I wanted to get there first and beg Hagrid to let me ride alone. The train slowed further and lurched to a sudden stop. The jerky motion shook the train, and without warning, I flew forward, landing painfully on my wrists.

"Oi! Are you alright?"

Pain radiated through my arms, and tears burned in my eyes as a boy my age approached me. He kneeled down beside me, looped his arms around my middle, and lifted me off the floor to lean against his chest.

"Shit, that was a painful tumble, darling. Are you alright?"

I shook my head and leaned against his chest, too caught up in my pain to care that he was in my space. His hands rubbed soothing circles up on my arms until my tears stopped.

My eyes darted up toward his face and were ensnared in his dark brown eyes. They swirled like dark chocolate and sparkled with flecks of bronze and gold in the depths.

He smiled down at me with his face surrounded by short dark locks, "Feeling alright, love?"

I nodded and attempted to push myself back up to my feet but failed miserably.

"Hey, now, you've hurt yourself. Let me help you." He grasped me by the elbow and carefully lifted me until I stood. Smiling sweetly, he reached for my tie and straightened it, "I guess I'll be seeing you around."

My gaze darted to his chest, taking in his house colors before he walked away, waving.

Slytherin.

Fixing my robes and searching for my wand, I tried to shake myself of the feeling that ran through my body, to no avail.

He put me on edge, but I didn't feel scared.

The sound of other students and compartments opening shifted me into gear. Moving swiftly, I shoved my long, ashy hair over my shoulder and froze.

I stared down at my hands, and sure as fuck between my fingers was long, ashy blonde hair. Looking down at my body, I saw my natural curves and size not quite fitting into my school clothes. I sucked in a breath and ran for the door, darting between first-year students until I was lost in the crowd, nearly hyperventilating.

When I was sure there were enough people hiding me, I concentrated and changed myself slowly until I was back to the carefully planned creation I had spent months perfecting over the summer.

Looking down, I saw everything as it was supposed to be and felt myself relax slightly before tensing again as the crowd of fifth-year students pushed in around me, carrying me toward the carriages.

Students gathered into groups with their friends, and slowly, the crowd thinned down until it was only a handful of us left.

The anxious feeling in my chest lessened until it was a dull ache nibbling at the edges of my mind. A few carriages remained, and I was able to enter the last one, but before I could close myself inside alone with my thoughts and aching wrists, the door was yanked open by Draco Malfoy.

Draco grinned up at me with a stunning smile of brilliant white teeth, "Thank fucking hell you're not a Gryffindor," he shoved his way inside, followed by three others and the boy who had helped me on the train, before slamming the door.

One of them, a boy with dark curls and a jagged scar on his cheek, "Shit, Draco, I really thought we were going to have to walk."

The boy with dark skin and hair laughed, "We would have had plenty of time if you wouldn't have socked that Hufflepuff in the face for bumping into you."

They prattled on as the carriage rode, happy to ignore me, but I listened and discovered that the boy with the curly dark hair and the sexy scar on his face was Mattheo.

The darker-skinned boy with short-cropped hair and cold eyes was Blaise Zabini. I really should have recognized him; he was all the common room ever talked about during quidditch season, but in my own defense, I had never seen him up close.

A light silvery smoke filled the inside of the carriage as I observed them. Looking around, I noticed the quiet one sitting next to me had lit a cigarette.

Raising his brow at me in question, he held it out between two long fingers, "Want a drag?"

I shook my head and continued to study him.

His long hair fell across his forehead, and his cheeks hollowed with each drag of the menthol tobacco, filling the small space with its spicy smell.

"Hand it here, Theo," Mattheo swiped across at his friend.

"Get your own,"

Mattheo paused, "You'd offer her a drag but not your best friend?"

Theo laughed, "Best friend? In your dreams, mate."

The nice boy who helped her on the train laughed, "We all know I'm Theo's best friend," he reached for the cigarette now, hopefully.

Theo snorted, leaning away into my space to get away from him, "You're only using me. I have no friends."

I couldn't help the laugh that escaped. They were acting like first years.

Their eyes landed on her, and she froze in her seat.

Draco eyed her up and down, "What's your name?"

Pushing the Mandrake leaf closer to her cheek, she spoke carefully and softly and did something she hadn't done in years.

She told the truth, "Fey."

"How come we've never met you? What year are you?"

I shrugged, "Fifth year."

Mattheo frowned, "Really? Same year as us, and we've never seen you? That's fucking weird."

"Different classes," I suggested as their questioning eyes made me uncomfortable. Started to make me feel seen.

The carriage came to a stop, and taking my chance at freedom, I threw the door open and let myself out. I knew they followed behind me, but I moved quickly to the castle without drawing attention. The chilly air blew through my robes and settled in my bones before I could follow the group of students.

Professors guided everyone into the great hall, and she was forced to sit with the other Slytherins. Picking a seat at the end of the table closest to the door, she felt better knowing she would be able to leave as soon as it was all over, maybe sooner if the perfect distraction came about.

The great hall filled to bursting, and moments later, Dumbledore stood with his wand pressed to his neck and bellowed across the hall for silence.

"Thank you," he stood tall, "Now I beg your attention as I have a few announcements for the start of term."

I let myself focus on Dumbledore, taking in his words as he droned on about banned items in the school. Students laughed and clapped as Fred and George cheered and clapped for themselves, taking it as a personal achievement to cause Filch mental anguish.

"I wish those two blood traitors would pipe down…"

I froze as the familiar tone washed over me, and the warm body slid into the empty space on the bench.

"Those two prats wouldn't know how to shut up if their lives depended on it," Mattheo grinned

"We also have two new staffing changes this year. With Professor Hagrid out on leave… Professor Grubby-Plank will be your new Care of Magical Creatures instructor, and Professor Umbridge has kindly offered to step in and fill the role of Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor…"

Dumbledore was cut off when a little round woman in god-awful pink clothes stood and approached him smiling. She walked slowly with her hands crossed in front of her. She whispered to Dumbledore before turning to face the room, grinning even more than before.

"I am here at the Ministry of Magic's bequest under educational decree twenty-two. This means that your Headmaster was not able to fill the position of your Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor, so they were able to appoint me," she giggled, "Education has always been taken very seriously at the Ministry, and the passing down of the this most noble art, lest it be lost forever, requires no tinkering."

Another giggle.

"A balance must be attained. The new and the old. Permanence and change. Tradition and innovation. Order and chaos."

Giggle.

This woman was starting to creep me out. Looking at the boys around me, they were feeling the same way. Their faces were a mix of disgust and revulsion.

Umbridge continued speaking with her twisted sweetness, "Please know that these changes are for the best. To prevent the destruction of our youth, our society as we know it from decay. Thank you."

She turned on her heel and sat silently at the teacher's table.

Dumbledore cleared his throat and began the feast with a wave of his hand and a forced smile. Food appeared in the blink of an eye and filled the hall with sights, smells, and sounds of excitement.

There was silence on their end of the table as I watched ground of handsome boys fill their plates and stuff their faces. I placed food on my plate and strategically cut and moved it around as the conversation picked up.

"Fey, you never told us why we haven't seen you around before," Lorenzo mentioned off-handedly as he sipped his juice.

I shrugged and set my fork down, "I read a lot."

I could feel their eyes on me. Taking in my closed-off expression and my lack of explanation. They were watching me carefully, and it was setting me on edge.

What could they possibly be thinking?

"Book nerd, are you?" Blaise asked, a teasing tone to his voice.

I shrugged again and moved my mashed potatoes around my plate.

They seemed to share a look around me that I couldn't place. Their eyes connected, and in a split second, the conversation changed to no longer involve me.

I let out a silent breath of relief. I was thankful that I no longer held their attention and also disappointed that I was no longer a part of their focus. Out of the corner of my eye, I settled on Lorenzo. He was laughing at something Theo had said, and my pulse picked up under my skin.

I desperately wanted to thank you, but that would be crazy. I was different now. He had seen me as I was naturally.

Fat, scarred, afraid, and crying.

Students around the hall started to flitter off one by one to their common rooms. Taking my chance to escape, I pushed my plate away and slipped out from under the table.

It seemed like all eyes were on me as I walked out of the room, even though I knew it wasn't possible.

Still, I walked faster until I was safely in the corridor, away from the hundreds of eyes.

My feet carried me on memory down to the dankest part of the castle, the dungeons. The corridors grew darker and smaller until I finally stepped in front of the seemingly uninteresting stone wall.

I pulled out my wand and tapped the wall firmly three times, whispering, "Pure blood."

Before my eyes, the stone snake in the floor slithered to life and moved across the wall, raising its body in an arch to reveal an ornate wooden door. I grasped the cool silver handle and pulled the door open. I was hit with the warm scent of cinnamon and firewood as I descended the steps into the common room. The lights dimmed and glowed by the lanterns hanging from the ceiling.

A few students hung about, chatting here and there, but I moved swiftly toward the witches' dorms. I descended the stairs to the third level for the fifth years and practically threw open the door.

The dorm was the same as every year. A large octagonal room with five smaller rooms inside for privacy. My room was directly in the middle of the other four, and the seemingly small door revealed a magically enlarged room big enough for a four-poster bed, a dresser, a closet, and anything else I wished to store.

Noting my bags had arrived, I dived into readying for bed. Letting my magic slip away, I stripped down to my knickers and dressed in one of my large sleep shirts.

Falling into bed, I felt the knot in my back painfully release, and the sobs built in my chest.

"Shit," I muttered

I'm crying already, and it's only the first night.