FFn has been lame with sending out notifications so make sure you read chapter 39 before diving into this one!

See you next Wednesday for another EPOV (and yes, E & B finally talk next week lol)

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40
- stubborn love -

Edward POV

My cell vibrates in my jeans pocket while sitting at the table with my family.

I pull out my phone with the same urgency I've had for every text and call I've received over the last week because I'm always expecting it to be Bella who's reaching out.

This is the first time it's actually her.

Seeing her name sends a rush of panic through me, and worst-case scenarios I've never entertained before plague my mind.

I'm worried about her and the baby.

Keeping my phone hidden under the table, I read her message, instantly relieved to see she was just checking in.

Bella: I saw Allie and Jasper got engaged. That's really exciting, and I'm glad you were able to be there with your family. I hope you're doing okay after everything. Happy Thanksgiving.

After my initial worry vanishes, I don't know how I feel. I don't know what to say to that.

It feels like generic bullshit.

Like she's holding back from what she wants to say. It reads like a text you'd send an acquaintance, not the supposed father of your child and the man you were married to for eleven years.

But maybe she feels she can't be real with me. And if she were honest with how she was feeling, maybe I wouldn't want to hear it after all. Not yet, anyway.

I place my phone face-down on the table and zone back into Allie and my mom talking about wedding plans.

It's been non-stop since Jasper proposed this morning, but this is exactly why I convinced myself I could handle coming home for the holiday at all.

Weeks ago, Jasper told me and my parents he was going to propose, and I knew everyone's focus would be on him and my sister. I knew they'd be too distracted with Allie's happy news to bother with my depressing life.

I knew my parents would want to focus on gaining a new member of the family, not losing one.

Another Thanksgiving without Bella.

Another holiday with questions I refuse to answer.

At least I know where she is this year. There's some relief in that.

Draining my whiskey, I'm still unsettled and agitated after Bella's text. The alcohol riles instead of relaxes. Picking up my phone, I read over her message again.

I have so many fucking things I want to say, I just don't know where to begin.

I'm sorry would be a good fucking start. But I'm still ashamed. And until now, I wasn't sure how soon she'd want to hear from me after the way I treated her. My silence was also because didn't trust that I wouldn't blow up at her again.

Feeling someone's eyes, I look up to see my mom watching me.

"Everything okay?" she asks.

"Yeah. Just work," I lie.

"That's the perfect segue," my dad says, smirking. "Can I send a football back with you to have Emmett McCarty sign?"

Allie groans in embarrassment. My mom covers her face. Jasper just laughs.

"Carlisle. You said you wouldn't do this," my mom chides, shaking her head.

"I know, I know. But it's Emmett McCarty. His father was a football legend, and Emmett is following in his footsteps. Can you blame me for asking?"

My mom ignores him and looks at me. "You don't have to say yes. We don't want to embarrass you."

"It's fine," I reassure her. "I can ask Rosalie. I'm sure Emmett wouldn't mind."

My dad grins at my mom. "See? Emmett wouldn't mind."

Before the conversation can stay on me, I stand and slip my phone into my pocket before stacking empty plates from our early Thanksgiving dinner.

"Relax," my mom insists. "Leave the dishes for later."

"It's fine, I got it," I say. "I was gonna make an espresso anyway."

I carry what I can into the kitchen and get to work rinsing plates and loading the dishwasher, appreciating the moment alone until Allie walks in.

"Need help?" she asks.

"No. Thanks."

She doesn't leave the kitchen and I can feel her presence while I rinse and load the last plate, shutting the dishwasher.

Sensing Allie's eyes on me, I move toward the overpriced espresso machine my mom got Dad last Christmas.

"That thing is temperamental," Allie says, and when I glance over at her, she nods toward the large, metal appliance like a challenge.

"I know. We have one at work."

"Oh! Fancy fancy. So, you know how to use it?"

"Sort of. Not really," I say, grabbing the bag of coffee beans from the cabinet and pouring them into the grinder. "Someone usually makes it for me."

It's the truth, but even once I say it, I know how it sounds.

Pretentious.

Bored.

Entitled.

"Okay, hot shot," she chuckles, refilling her wine glass. "I knew the new glitzy job and LA would change you, but not this soon."

She says it with a teasing tone, but I don't find it humorous. Or true.

A lot of things have changed me.

The year apart from my estranged wife.

My pending divorce.

Bella in general changed me; shaped me.

For better.

For fucking worse.

So no, I can't solely blame a job or a city for how seemingly different I've become.

"Look," Allie starts when I don't reply. "I know you don't want to talk but I came in here to tell you—"

I cut her off by running the grinder and slicing whole coffee beans into fine dust.

I've purposely been distant with Allie. I know I have.

Months ago, after Bella told me what Allie said to her, I went to my sister's hotel before she flew back home and told her to stay the fuck out of my business.

Allie supposedly felt awful. Apologized to me. Swore she didn't mean anything she said in a bad way. She thought telling Bella I deserved more and to let me go would make Bella fight for me and our marriage.

It created the opposite effect—it made my wife give up.

I can't put all of the blame on Allie, but for a while, it felt good to be mad at someone other than myself and Bella.

"Bella liked my Instagram post," Allie finally says when the grinder stops and the kitchen is silent again.

I don't tell her Bella reached out to me, too.

I don't confess I might be a father soon.

I don't admit I desperately fucking hope the baby is mine.

I don't show her the sonogram that's been in my wallet ever since Bella left it behind.

I just continue making espresso until the kitchen fills with the distinct aroma of roasted coffee and say, "And?"

"And… well. Bella hasn't liked any of my stuff for months. Or even talked to me. So, why now?" Allie pushes.

"Did she say anything to you?" I ask because if Allie is already aware of the baby, I need to know.

"No. Nothing. She didn't comment, she just liked my engagement post. Maybe she's lonely."

I don't know why but Allie making this suggestion pisses me off. Maybe it's the lack of compassion in her tone. Or maybe I'm just mad at myself because I'm sure Bella is lonely. She might even miss us the way we miss her.

But that doesn't mean anything.

You can miss and love and fucking regret, but it doesn't mean anything if you don't do jack shit about it.

Regret punches hard in my chest.

Thinking of Bella, pregnant and alone on Thanksgiving makes me feel guiltier than ever.

I kicked her out of my dressing room. I've been silent for an entire week. But I needed time to come to terms with the fact that Bella slept with someone. I needed space to understand how she was able to give herself to someone like that.

I still need time but with a little distance, now I just feel like a piece of shit for reacting so badly.

I know I'm a hypocrite.

I know it took a lot for her to be honest with me the way I wasn't with her.

I know alcohol and my wounded pride are to blame for the way I treated her.

I know I owe her an apology.

I know all of this and yet I can't change any of it.

I didn't mean half the things I said to Bella when I was angry… but some of it I did mean.

I know without a doubt she's not after my money. That was a fucked-up thing for me to accuse her of, especially after how amicable we were with the divorce agreement.

But I'm not sure she wouldn't somehow use the baby to hurt me.

She's been spiteful in the past.

She's let her pain dictate her actions and push me away.

She fucking ran.

It's little reminders like that that keep me from fully trusting her. And that's what my skepticism boils down to—trust, or a lack of it.

Regret quickly vanishes and in its place is self-preservation.

"I don't know why Bella liked your post, Allie. And I don't care."

She doesn't look convinced because I don't sound convincing. At fucking all.

"So, you haven't talked to her?" Allie wonders.

"No," I lie.

She sips her wine. "That's probably for the best."

Irritation builds in my chest and I find myself growing defensive. Not just for me, but for Bella.

"Why is that for the best?" I ask against my better judgment.

"Because obviously, nothing good comes from having contact with her? I mean, look at what happened at the end of August when you moved to LA. It was a mess. You were a wreck. She was like a different person."

"You mean when you got in her head?" I accuse, my tone harsher.

"I said one thing," Allie defends, downplaying the way her words affected Bella.

"It wasn't your place to say anything at all," I say firmly.

"Well? I was trying to help. I hated seeing you hurt. And like, we all have our shit to deal with. Why does she get to lose it and run away? Why does she get to hide from her problems?"

My anger spikes. Allie's not saying anything I haven't already thought about Bella, but I don't like someone else who isn't a part of our situation calling her out.

I'm still protective of her.

I always will be.

"You don't even know what you're talking about, Allie, so just fucking stop," I say, keeping my voice low and controlled so my parents don't overhear us.

She shoots me a wounded look. "Why are you still so upset with me? I thought we were over this. I said I was sorry."

"To me, Allie," I grind out, stabbing my chest with a finger. "You apologized to me. You should've apologized to her."

"She wouldn't answer my calls! You know I tried. She created this mess. She left you, and filed for divorce. She didn't speak to us for four months after she disappeared. So, why the hell are you defending her?"

"Why the hell are you being so hard on her?" I ask hotly. "I thought she was one of your best friends."

"She is, and I still care about her. But if I have to choose, it's always going to be family first."

I shake my head, annoyed and ready to end this conversation. "It doesn't sound like you care about her. And Bella is family."

"Was family. Her choice."

It fucking stings.

"She's still family," I insist, my voice harder now, agitation and rejection building before I blurt, "She's pregnant."

Allie blinks. "What?" Instantly, I regret telling her. "Bella's… what? Is it yours?"

Her question hangs in the air.

Despite my accusations and questions about paternity, deep down, I know the baby is mine.

I do.

"Yeah," I admit, finally taking on—and wanting—this responsibility. "It's mine."

"How?" Allie looks stricken, covering her mouth and mumbling, "I mean, when?"

"At the end of August," I mumble, keeping all the details to myself.

She palms her forehead. "Who else knows?"

"I don't know. I haven't told anyone, but I don't know if Bella has."

"Not even Mom and Dad know?"

"Especially not. I'm not trying to worry them until I figure shit out, so please don't fucking say anything. Let me deal with that when the time is right," I urge. "It's not your news to share."

"Okay, okay. I get it. I'll keep my mouth shut," she agrees, almost annoyed at my insistence. "So… is the divorce off?"

I'm not letting myself go there yet.

"No. I don't know."

"There's still some time, right?" she asks. "If either of you want to dismiss it?"

"I mean. Yeah. I guess."

"If not, then what—you'll co-parent? Share custody?"

Her questions are weighing me down. "I don't know yet."

She makes a face. "How can you not know?"

"Because I just found out about the baby a week ago, and I've been trying to wrap my head around everything. I haven't even talked to Bella since she told me."

The kitchen is quiet, shame still coating my conscience for how I reacted toward her.

"Wait, you just found out? This happened at the end of August, and she kept this news from you for three months?"

"It's not like that," I insist. "She didn't know until recently. And it's really not any of your business why she waited. I know you're not Bella's biggest fan right now, so I'd rather you keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself."

"Calm down. I'm not trying to come from a bad place, but I worry about you. You're my brother; she's the woman who broke your heart."

"Well, your so-called worry could use better execution because it's making you sound like an insensitive brat," I say honestly, maybe even a little brutally.

Allie glares. "I'm not trying to be insensitive. I'm cautious. You should be, too. Bella being pregnant has the potential to hurt you all over again. Doesn't that scare you?"

"What do you mean it has the potential to hurt me all over again?"

"I mean, you two can't be selfish and only think of yourselves. You have to think about the baby. Put him or her first. And if that comes at the cost of you two staying apart for good… if that's healthier? Safer? Then that's what you'll have to do. You also can't get back together just for the baby's sake. That wouldn't be good, either."

I fist my hair, my chest tightening with so much unknown. A lot of what Allie's said tonight has been bullshit, but I know what she's saying now is true. The only part I focus on is the word selfish, though.

Have I been selfish by avoiding Bella this last week?

Maybe.

Was I doing it to punish her?

Absolutely.

Moving forward though, I know shit has to change.

I need to change.

"Would it be weird if I reached out and congratulated her?" Allie asks. "I stopped trying to contact her months ago after she kept ignoring me, but… this is big. I'm going to be an aunt, and I feel like we should clear the air."

"I'd rather you not. I want to tell her I told you first, and honestly, I don't trust that you won't say something to hurt her again." Allie opens her mouth to likely refute me, but I stop her. "Just back off. Please. Give me some time."

Allie nods somberly. "Okay." She starts to leave the kitchen then stops and looks at me. "I'm sorry if I seem like an insensitive brat or whatever, okay? I didn't realize you still felt…" She pauses, then whispers, "You never talk about her. Ever. I was hoping you were moving on because I want you to be happy. We all do."

My voice is flat. "Yeah, well. I'm not."

Allie's frown deepens. "Not moving on? Or not happy?"

"Both," I quietly admit.

"And now you're having a baby with her," she murmurs. "Are you at least happy about that?"

I think about my initial reaction to hearing the news.

I felt a lot of things. Happy, yeah, but also confused and shocked it finally happened when we weren't trying. Bella had never gotten pregnant in the past. We didn't think it could happen, and she didn't want to look into why. We just accepted it.

Back then, I would've been okay if we didn't have a baby. I wasn't lying when I told her that. There's never been an innate desire in me to be a father, and I didn't marry her so she could give me babies. Whenever we talked about kids, my only want was to be a parent with her. To be a dad because she'd be the one who would've made that happen.

And I guess that's finally happening, just not in the way we thought it would.

"I am happy about the baby," I admit. "But I'm also fucking scared."

"Well, yeah. Everything is about to change," she whispers. "Again."

Allie's remark lingers in the air because there's nothing left to say.