Bella: Do I really have to dress like this?
Alice: Yes, because Charlie thinks you've been shopping, and if you don't come home with a new outfit or twelve, he'll be suspicious.
Bella: He'll literally never notice. He does not know or care about women's clothes. Hell, I could be dressed in full clown make-up, and he'd assume it was something I'd had for years.
Alice: *grabbing one of the bags* Wanna put that to the test?
Bella: Why do you…you know what? I can't be surprised by this, as much as I want to be.
Alice: Great. Now, let's get you home, because Charlie's suspicious about why Carlisle is suddenly allowed in La Push.
Bella: Wait, Alice. Can I ask a question about the future?
Alice: I told you, I don't know until someone makes a decision.
Bella: Not quite what I was going to ask. I wanted to know why your ability can see what I'll do while Edward can't read my mind.
Alice: Oh, that's simple. Edward's ability is mental, but abilities like mine or Jasper's are considered physical, therefore ours work on you, but Edward's doesn't.
Bella: Your ability is literally just you seeing the future, that doesn't sound physical, that sounds mental.
Alice: Look, just because you're mentally unstable…
Bella: Gee, thanks.
Alice: Well, what else would you call it?
Bella: Literally anything else.
Alice: Mentally challenged?
Bella: Correction: almost anything else.
*back at the Swan house*
Charlie: Hey Bella, did you have fun doing whatever you were doing?
Bella: Did Alice not tell you what we were doing?
Charlie: Honestly, I just heard the word "shopping" and tuned the rest out. The real question is: did you hear what happened to Jake?
Bella: Oh yeah, he got into some kind of accident.
Charlie: Yeah, I suppose the right half of your body being crushed would count as some kind of accident. Honestly though, what could have done that to him?
Bella: Maybe he was hit by a truck?
Charlie: Have you seen the size of that boy? If a truck hit him, there'd be a wrecked truck somewhere.
Bella: *muttering* Wouldn't be surprised if they made one for you.
Charlie: What was that?
Bella: Oh, nothing.
Charlie: Anyway, I hope those giant wolves from a few months back haven't come back.
Bella: Huh?
Charlie: Oh, yeah. I heard them even though I was all the way out in the bay with Billy. They sounded super close, like they were in town or something.
Bella: *pretending to be surprised* Oh? Well, that sounds terrifying.
Charlie: Yeah, then Billy decided to head back, as though he wanted to fight the wolves, even though as a cripple there was no way he'd survive against them.
Bella: And you wouldn't have been much better either.
Charlie: Pfft, I had Old Betsy with me. I'd have been fine.
Bella: Of course you did. So, what else happened?
Charlie: Yeah, I kept hearing those wolves all throughout the day. Billy didn't seem concerned at all, despite the fact they sounded so angry. Then they suddenly stopped, and then Jake was brought in all wounded.
Bella: Weird, right?
Charlie: I know. Anyway, I suppose you're going to visit him at some point?
Bella: Yeah, why?
Charlie: I just…I want to talk to you about something.
Bella: Why do I not like where this is going?
Charlie: I swear, it's nothing bad.
Bella: I'm not so confident, but go on.
Charlie: It's just…you're an adult now, you're going off to college, and…well, I know living here hasn't always been easy, and you haven't always agreed with my views on some things…
Bella: Like you're treatment of non-whites?
Charlie: Hey, I treat them as fairly as I decided they deserve. Anyway, I just wanted to ask you one thing.
Bella: No, I will not help you bury another suspiciously dead black guy.
Charlie: Damn it. Well, I have something else I need to ask anyway.
Bella: *sigh* What is it?
Charlie: Just…if you're about to go away for a while, or even forever, can you tell me first? Just so I know you're okay.
Bella: Uh…sure, dad.
Charlie: So I know to step in and stop it from happening.
Bella: Of course that's your reasoning for wanting to know.
*at the Black's house*
Billy: Ah, Bella. I assume you're here to see Jake after he got injured for your sake and you still won't bang him?
Bella: Really? That's what you're focusing on here?
Billy: Sorry, but that kid is obsessed with you, and even after having the shit kicked out of him by a vampire for your sake, you're not even considering…
Bella: No.
Billy: *sigh* Well, I tried. He's in his room.
Bella: Still asleep?
Billy: With the amount of pain he was in, do you really think he could?
Bella: I can't hear him yelling in pain about it.
Billy: Oh, uh, Carlisle doped him up on some kind of pain killer.
Jacob: *from his room* Hey dad, is Bella here yet?
Billy: Yeah, she's here.
Jacob: *from his room* I better get into character then *loudly, but hardly putting any effort into his performance* Oh, ow, the pain is so much. Ow, ow, ow. It's so bad.
Bella: *sigh* I better go see him.
Billy: Yeah, he'll be doing that until you do.
Jacob: *from his room, still not trying* Oh, won't somebody take the pain away? It's absolutely awful.
*Jacob's room*
Bella: Hey Jake.
Jacob: Hey Bella, my everything hurts.
Bella: I thought it was just your right side.
Jacob: Silly Bella, any amount of pain is wrong, therefore my wrong side is hurt.
Bella: Right…
Jacob: No, I said wrong.
Bella: That's not what I…ugh, anyway, how are you feeling?
Jacob: Oh, you know: pain.
Bella: Anything I can do about it?
Jacob: You could kiss me again.
Bella: That won't help.
Jacob: You don't know that.
Bella: Yes I do.
Jacob: What if I got Carlisle to…
Bella: Somehow, I don't think even he'd agree.
Jacob: …but if you just tried it…
Bella: That's it, I'm out *leaves*
Carlisle: *stepping out of Jacob's closet* I told you I should have written a note.
Jacob: I honestly thought it would work.
Carlisle: Next time, listen to what the doctor tells you.