Chapter 12: Thoughts in the night
Bell Cranel laid down, his heart pounding in rhythm with the echo of Ishtar's teachings still ringing in his ears. Tonight, his bed was an eternity of unrest, his mind buzzing with thoughts that surged like the dungeon's monsters. Distant city lights outside the window, as if pierced against the darkness of the world, mirrored the diary's phrases etched into him.
Heaved onto him were the blunt words, "Most people plunge into marriage or monogamy due to fear of solitude, but most people cannot be monogamous for a lifetime, especially young adults. Most people are actually insecure and fear loneliness, they are, in essence, timid cowards. They run from echoes of their solitude, tethering themselves to companionship not out of love, but out of fear in many cases, and lack of self-esteem."
Bell found himself reflecting on these words, the truth in their raw honesty compelling him to construct an image of a world veiled in deception. He imagined a married woman, smiling endearingly at her husband by day and betraying him under the shadows of the night, proclaiming love while her heart housed deceit.
He pictured a man, bound by vows, still wandering, his eyes gazing upon others, his guilt hidden behind walls of duplicity, leading a life layered with lies. The betrayal, the pain inflicted upon the unaware partner surely was immense. Yet, that was not the end of their deceit. They suffered from their actions more than they inadvertently inflicted, gradually disintegrating their dignity and self-respect.
"Priorities of life come first for adventurers, even before monogamy," Ishtar's voice echoed in his mind. "You need to be in love with yourself before you can truly love another, and you must put that love first. The highest form of love is to embrace solitude as it's the ultimate freedom or love you will ever know. Furthermore, because people rush things in romance and monogamy they fail to love themselves first, but rather the concept of love and monogamy. People read the end of fairytales first, the happily ever after. People don't realize that the hero did reach his destiny and even sowed his wild oats and lived a lifetime before happily ever after. People want the happy ending immediately."
Bell pondered these, his mind reluctantly accepting the harsh reality. He questioned himself, probing his heart to find out where he stood. Would he be the deceptive coward or the knightly paragon? The fairytale hero is appealing, but hidden is the fact that the fairytale hero, which majority yearns to become, sometimes is the most corrupt.
Bell gazed up at the ceiling, his thoughts clashing like the blades of adventurers. His own love for Ryu Lion, even Aiz Wallenstein posed a more profound reflection in the light of these teachings. Where did he stand with Ryu, Aiz or any other person he might have feelings for?
Disturbing images of people purporting monogamy while engrossed in duplicity, betraying their partners, was a harsh reality of the world. It plucked at the very definition of love. Ishtar's - philosophies were anything but sugar-coated. They painted humans as fickle beings, yearning for companionship out of desperate fear of isolation.
In the dark of the room, Bell crinkled his forehead, digesting the harshest of concepts, "People are weak," he muttered, repeating a phrase from the teachings. Bell was also weak, he reflected in honesty. He quickly fell in love with Aiz Wallenstein, then Ryu Lion, then had relations with Aisha BeIka, and discovered he has desires for Haruhime. Ishtar denounced the idea that committing to a relation was a noble cause, reducing it down to pitiful cowardice for most dreaming that they too will most certainly have a fairytale romance.
An echo rang clear in her words, the image of so called committed men and women in many cases actually live double lives - their vows of monogamy tainted with infidelity - each of them betraying their partners while donning a mask of saccharine innocence. The ugly truth was they were not as monogamous as they proclaim. It was the mere reassurance of not being alone that precipitated their fallacy, that made them scamper into the boots of heroes, but in reality, were nothing more than cowardly imposters.
Bell bit his lip, the harsh reality made him shudder. But he challenged himself to connect with the rawness of Ishtar's teachings. He was an adventurer, the echoes of his heart sought the truth even if it meant plunging into uncomfortable territory. He swallowed hard, agreeing and sympathizing with the victims of such rabid betrayal, feeling the pang of their hurt, sharper than that of any beast he had slain.
According to Ishtar's teachings, those who practice deceit, those who didn't prioritize self harm themselves the most. They poison the very essence of their being, tarnishing their own purity with hypocrisy. The primary harm caused by their actions is inflicted not on those who they betrayed but upon their own souls and minds.
Shaking off the chill, Bell refocused on the scripture exploring deeper, deciphering the cryptic suggestion - "Love yourself, cherish solitude." He pondered on these words, feeling the unmistakable force they carried. The recognition of self-worth and the ability to enjoy one's own company was emphasized more than anything else. It was an ultimate freedom, a state where no betrayal acted, and the fear of loneliness vanished. The goddess explained that in embracing solitude and learning to be content with one's own company, one could truly discover oneself. It was in this state of self-awareness that the potential for an overabundance of love with many partners could arise, if that was indeed one's desired path in life.
As Bell stared up at the ceiling, lost in his thoughts, he couldn't help but think about the implications of this newfound understanding. His mind wandered to his encounters with various members of the opposite sex. Was he being honest with himself and with them? Had he allowed fear to hold him back from expressing his true feelings?
Ishtar proclaimed the importance of honesty in the realm of romance, emphasizing that true love could only blossom when individuals allowed themselves to be transparent with their partners about intentions and goals. She reassured her followers that solitude and independence were not something to fear, for it was from this place of personal growth and self-love that one could truly thrive with their chosen path in life. This solitude meant one could be alone or with many partners, it was a state of self awareness and of love that is very attractive.
Bell pondered the implications of such teachings. He had always admired the strong bonds formed within the Familia, the deep connections between adventurers and their gods. But with Ishtar's words echoing in his mind, a tantalizing question presented itself - was it possible to have an abundance of love, to share that deep connection with multiple partners?
The young adventurer's heart fluttered at the thought, a mix of both excitement and uncertainty coursing through his veins. Fairytales had taught him the value of monogamy, the idea that true love was found in the exclusivity of a single partner. But with the knowledge of Ishtar's teachings, Bell wondered if there was a different path for him, one where he could explore deeper connections with many lovers.
Loneliness had always been a fear that haunted Bell. The shadows of self-doubt constantly whispered in his ears, conjuring doubts about his worthiness of love. But Ishtar's teachings shattered those fears, offering a beacon of light in the form of self-acceptance and independence. She assured her followers that by embracing solitude, they would discover an abundance of love that flowed freely and effortlessly into their lives.
Staring at his reflection in the dimly lit room, Bell recognized the vulnerability and courage it would take to follow such a path. He knew that his earliest experiences with love had been shaped by his infatuation with Aiz Wallenstein, the sword princess who had captured his heart. However, clearly there were other connections to be forged that could enrich his journey.
His thoughts turned to the members of his Familia, those who stood by his side through thick and thin. The bonds he shared with each of them were unique, a tapestry of emotions woven from trust, loyalty, and shared experiences. Could these bonds evolve into something deeper, something that transcended the boundaries of friendship?
The night grew deeper as Bell's mind continued to delve into the complexities of love. He realized that the journey towards understanding his own desires would not be an easy one. The teachings of Ishtar had opened his eyes to a world of infinite possibilities, and now he had a seed of curiosity planted firmly within his heart.
With a newfound determination, Bell made a silent vow to explore the depths of his emotions, to discover the kind of love that resonated with his true self. He resonated with the teachings of Ishtar, allowing them to guide him on a path that was uniquely his. And perhaps, in this journey of self-discovery, he would find the answers to questions he had only dared to whisper in the quiet moments of the night.
As the first rays of dawn began to peek over the horizon, Bell's reflection smiled back at him—a spark of excitement shining in his eyes. The road ahead was uncertain, but he was ready to embark on this exploration of love, ready to discover the beauty of a heart open to countless possibilities.
To be continued...