Nemo Patty and Selma adopt a baby boy who turns out to be the anti christ. hilarity ensues.
Plot
Second grade, Miss Hoover's class.
"I wonder what Miss Hoover is teaching us today?" Lisa pondered aloud.
"We're probably learning about the war of 1812." said a black girl with a comb in her afro.
"I hope we learn about Barney the dinosaur!" Ralph blurted out.
Everyone laughed at him.
"What a loser..." said the blond boy who asked if there was kickball in Texas during 1835 when Mr Bergstrom took the class.
"Feh..." said Rex disgusted with his babyish mindset.
"Children settle down. Ralph they are laughing at you, not with you." said Miss Hoover.
She discussed the lesson for today. Making Christmas cards.
"It's winter holidays now! Respect other faiths!" A muslim kid yelled.
"America is predominantly and traditionally christian..." said Miss Hoover in a flat tone.
The foreign kid seethed.
While Miss Hoover explained what they were doing today Ralph suddenly started singing Old McDonald had a farm. With increasingly weird animals.
"Old McDonald had a farm... E-I-E-I ooooooooh!"
Miss Hoover gave him a stern look. He immediately stopped and sat quietly.
Janey, The boy that likes kickball and some girl called Tina gawked at Ralph. Why did he like songs meant for kindergarteners?
Ralph was distracted by his imaginary friend the leprechaun whispering in his ear.
"Burn the school! Burn it all to the ground!" said the tiny leprechaun.
"Maybe later Mr Leprechaun..." said Ralph. He sang Old McDonald again.
"Ralph where are you right now?" Miss Hoover asked sternly.
"I'm at Old McDonald's burger house!" said Ralph.
Everyone laughed.
Miss Hoover shook her head and sighed. She got on with whatever they were doing. "Kids do you you all have a red crayon?"
"I don't." said Ralph.
"Why not Ralph..." Miss Hoover sighed.
"I ate it..." He had red stains on his teeth from eating a crayon.
Everyone laughed at him.
...
The last day. Fourth Grade.
"Because all the teachers had taken a last minute Caucus, You'll be all watching my favourite Christmas film." said Skinner. "The Christmas Hobgoblins."
The class groaned predicting it was gonna be lame.
In a black and white movie Santa was overseeing his elves working in the workshop.
"There, now your red nose is very bright and shiny, Rudolph." Santa had just polished Rudolph's red nose. The reindeer snorted and clattered his antlers about.
Nelson yawned bored.
Suddenly little hobgoblins wearing striped sweaters bursted in and wrecked the place. They also pushed elves about and broke the toys.
"Oh no! The Christmas hobgoblins!" said Santa.
"What the hell is this?" Bart winced.
Skinner chuckled.
Then a hobgoblin sang a lovely duet to the blue fairy. proclaiming his love...
"And I love you too..." sang the hobgoblin.
"Oh he's been singing for two hours..." Milhouse groaned.
"This couldn't have anything less to do with Christmas..." Hugo was beguiled.
"I think that's a stage hand forgetting the film is live..." said Bart wincing. in the movie a stage hand nearly walked on set, realised and bashfully hid off screen.
The hobgoblin was still singing.
"Next time get a DVD..." Nelson heckled.
"This is a DVD..." said Skinner.
"At least put on Christmas Ape..." Richard groaned.
"Christmas Ape is stupid and you know it, Rich..." Bart said to his grey haired friend Matt keeps forgetting about.
Lewis guffawed in a stupid manner.
"I'll give you a Z for effort Skinrash..." said Bart.
Skinner sighed and switched off the film. "Fine you're all dismissed to go home for the holidays..."
Everyone cheered and went home.
...
The Simpsons house, the Christmas holidays.
Oscar just screeched and jumped about and tore through the house. The hyperactive boy with severe learning difficulties ran about in just a diaper knocking things over. Homer chased him.
Marge sighed.
"I can't decide what star should go on top of the tree. I'm stuck pondering on Polaris or Alpha Centauri..." said Hugo.
Lisa gawked at him. "Hugo it's just a cardboard star with glitter on it..."
"Famed Serbian astronomer Dolchan Banovich didn't think every star was just some star..." said Hugo.
"Ugh... How are you my twin again..." Bart wearing a Christmas sweater groaned.
"Hugo just put the star on the tree dear..." Marge sighed.
Hugo sighed.
Roger the pedo alien from American Dad was stirring his eggnog.
"Roger, you've been mixing that eggnog for an hour. Just pour it in your pimp cup and drink it!" Marge nagged.
"It's almost ready. Just one final test... And voila!" He added vodka to his eggnog.
"Homer why did you buy so much eggnog..." Marge sighed.
"Because the government keeps taking it away after the holidays..." Homer snapped as he poured himself some eggnog. "I just want 365 sweet noggy days..."
"366 during a leap year..." said Hugo.
"Quiet freak!" Homer snapped.
Oscar still only wearing a diaper glared at him.
"Look at this! Father Donovan's putting on a Christmas play at the mall!" said Hayley. apparently she's there too. "They're doing the entire life of Jesus... From baby Jesus to awkward teenager Jesus with a wispy Christache, to the mature and ready-to-suffer Jesus we all know and love."
"What do you care?! You heretical, liberal communist?!" Stan Smith yelled.
Lisa glared at him.
"Bite me, regressive, bigot..." said Hayley.
"Yeah sure... let a billion coloured people in one tiny country... we can support them... heck Francine why don't we have all of Kenya over at our house for the holidays?!" Stan missed the point entirely as he is a Republican...
"You're such a heartless bastard!" Hayley snapped.
The Simpsons sighed.
...
The Simpsons house. Oscar was now dressed appropriately and not just in a diaper. He was staring at Klaus in his fish bowl.
"Ah Liebchen! Wünderbar!" said Klaus and hinting he may have been a Nazi while human.
"Omg! Heinrich Von Marzipan is a goldfish!" Oscar broke the fourth wall.
Klaus rolled his eyes.
The door rang.
Homer answered it. Dr Hibbert was there and mad about something.
"Dr Hibbert? Is some one sick?" Marge asked.
"No. I'm here to tell you to keep your canine Casanova away from my Rosa Barks!" said Dr Hibbert.
The Simpsons were baffled.
"She's my prize winning poodle. It's a pun on Rosa Parks because I'm black..." said Dr Hibbert.
"I'll be going now..." said Dr Hibbert.
Homer shrugged.
"Anyway Stan, are you gonna audition for the role of Jesus at the mall?" Roger asked Stan.
"Audition?! I am the most devote Christian in Langley Falls! I keep the church running! I handle the collection baskets! Of course I am auditioning!" said Stan.
"Well in our town Ned Flanders is our resident christian..." said Lisa.
"I always thought he was a raging 'mo... You know the moustache..." said Stan.
Then he went on about increasingly weird alternate Jesuses.
"Like Fireman Jesus."
"Or Raptor Jesus..." Oscar cooed.
Bart face palmed.
"So you see, I am the most devout in my neighbourhood so yes Roger, I will be auditioning for the most important role of the nativity." said Stan.
Hayley snarked and compared God to Shaq for some reason.
"I will not have you disrespect my faith which is very important to me as a God fearing, patriotic Republican!" Stan yelled. "You are growing a pimple young lady! Right on your lip!"
Hayley wasn't bothered by his weak insult.
Then her boyfriend Jeff arrived. He was in his Link pyjamas.
Oscar played Link's Awakening on his gameboy loudly.
Bart sighed.
...
"Jeff get dressed..." said Hayley. He was suddenly dressed.
She said he was depressed during sex the other night. Marge gasped at her talking about sex...
"Sex! Sex! Sex! Seeeeeeeex..." Oscar sang.
Marge frowned at him.
Spinster's Apartment.
Patty and Selma were watching McGyver.
"Patty..."
"Sssshhhh! Sel I missed what McGyver was saying..." said Patty.
"I want a baby..." said Selma broody.
Patty sighed.
The Simpsons house.
"Hayley I want a baby." said Jeff.
"Well I don't..." said Hayley.
"Uh that killer Santa is after us again..." Steve Smith sighed. There was a killer Santa outside firing a machine gun. bullets cut through the bay window shattering it.
"Oh my!" Marge gasped.
"Let's go to our universe!" said Stan.
Langley falls. CIA portal chamber.
"Stan stop bringing back people from other universes! Especially ghastly yellow people!" said Avery Bullock.
"Omg! Picard!" Oscar screamed.
"Right that's it we're going home!" Homer yelled. The Simpsons returned home.
The killer Santa got bored and left.
The Simpsons got to work putting up popcorn on strings as a Christmas decoration. Oscar ate the popcorn.
Marge sighed.
Outside kids were playing in the snow. Milhouse was riding a sled with his imaginary friend Walter.
Ralph's tongue was stuck to a frozen lamppost.
Milhouse sighed.
...
The mall.
Ned was accepted to be Jesus in the nativity.
"But i want to be Jesus!" Stan whined.
"You don't have the Abs..." said Father Donovan.
"Here have some eggnog Father Donovan..." said Oscar offering him eggnog in a golden, bejewelled goblet.
"How kind, blessing upon you son." said Father Donovan, Langley Falls's Lovejoy.
"From the wrong grail! Mwuhahahahaha!" Oscar laughed evilly.
"Oscar stop referencing Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade..." Stan sighed.
The Simpsons house, Patty and Selma dropped Bart and Lisa off home.
"Thanks for having the kids the weekend." said Marge.
"Also Patty and Selma adopted a kid..." said Bart.
"I was about to tell your mother the news..." Selma said coughing on cigarette fumes.
Marge was delighted by the news.
"We named him Nemo, after the fish from the book 20,000 leagues under the sea." said Selma holding a black haired little boy.
Oscar laughed.
Hugo face palmed. "Nemo from Finding Nemo is an entirely different character from Captain Nemo of the Nautilus..."
"He's a Gemini." said Patty.
"That would be rather ironic if Bart and Hugo were Geminis..." said Oscar.
Ie the twins thing...
Bart and Hugo rolled their eyes.
However Nemo wad pure evil... He glared at a house plant and it suddenly caught fire. Demonic chanting rang out.
"He was the last one in the orphange. Poor thing..." said Selma.
Homer came in.
"Patty and Selma adopted a baby."
"Oh. For a sec I thought Selma was raped by a confused gay man." said Homer.
Marge glared at him.
"Well if it ain't Santa claus..." said Selma.
"Nah Santa's not that fat... Gahahaha!" said Patty.
Plot 2
The Simpsons house.
"He seems happy." said Lisa talking about baby Nemo.
Nemo was looking about with a devious grin. Demon chanting started again.
Patty smelt something bad, And it wasn't tobacco. "I think Nemo needs a diaper change."
"Really? Because Pats, I can't smell anything after that accident with the bottle rocket..." said Selma.
"It's continuity..." said Oscar.
Elsewhere Stan was annoyed He couldn't be Jesus at the mall.
"Not even firefighter Jesus! I have to settle for Santa! I have abs don't I?" He asked Avery Bullock.
"Hey Riker, Worf's head looks like a fanny!" Avery laughed.
"You can both go and suck my forehead ridges!" Commander Worf yelled.
"Oh have a laugh Rocky Dennis..." said Avery.
"Okay I get it... My boss looks and sounds like the bald guy from Star Trek..." said Stan.
The Simpsons house.
"Aaaaaah! Leave me alone you perverted ET!" Oscar screamed.
"Roger do you want to go to jail..." Marge said sharply.
"Lady, the FBI or CIA finds out about me, I'll get vivisectioned..." said Roger.
"Good. You sick freak..." said Oscar.
"Says the third grader wearing a diaper and letting his pet teddy bear sniff his crotch..." said Roger.
Teddy the living teddy bear with a big wet shiny black nose was sniffing Oscar's diaper.
"Shut up!" Oscar snapped.
Homer came in with DVDs. "I picked up all the Charlie Browns. Including the one where he gets AIDS."
Oscar winced at him.
"We have Curious George and the Ebola virus." said Lisa.
"And Horton hears Domestic Violence Next Door but doesn't inform the police." said Bart.
"Okay..." said Oscar.
...
The lounge.
Bart was reading a comic. Nemo used his demonic powers to make the toy blocks float. there was demonic chanting again.
However Bart saw nothing unusual as the blocks were resting on the floor again when he looked up from his comic.
Marge was admiring the decorations. "Well would you look at this, the halls are truly decked!"
Oscar got out his guitar and sang deck the halls.
"Deck the halls in boughs of holly..."
He was turfed outside with Bart.
"Find him some friends until he has calmed down..." said Marge.
Bart sighed. They went to the park. Krusty's daughter Sophie was there.
"Hey Batt."
"Hey Sophie..." said Bart.
"I have a banana and a grapefruit." said Oscar.
"Okay..." said Sophie Krustofsky.
"And now you have a choice. Sophie's choice... Gehehehehe..." said Oscar.
Bart glared at him.
At home Steve upset Klaus.
"My vengeance shall be hotter than a thousand suns!" Klaus yelled.
Steve and Roger hid in the attic while wearing diapers.
"I'm comfortable like this..." said Roger.
Steve winced at him.
Oscar and Bart soon got home.
"Have you calmed down now bumpkin..." Marge sighed.
"Yes Mrs Simpson..." said Oscar.
"Oh good cos the American Dad characters are being weird in the attic..." said Marge.
Oscar went up to the attic, Roger and Steve were wresting while wearing diapers.
"Okay..." said Oscar.
...
Elsewhere Father Donovan discovered Nemo was the Antichrist.
He gasped and rang up Stan.
"Go away!" Stan was still upset he couldn't be Jesus at the mall nativity.
"Stan listen! Nemo is the Antichrist!" Father Donovan explained.
"Oh my! And as the most devout member of your flock, I totally believe you! We must destroy Nemo."
"Can we destroy Pixar's Finding Nemo too?" Oscar asked.
"Uh... no..." said Stan.
At the Simpsons.
"Stan don't be ridiculous. Nemo's just a baby." said Francine.
"Or a cartoon fish..." said Oscar.
Bart sighed.
"Look! he's smiling at you!" Marge cooed.
"Well tell him to stop." said Stan. "I'm on to you kid..." He glared at Nemo.
"Nemo is my favourite kind of fish, the clownfish." said Oscar.
Bart slammed his own head upon the kitchen table frustrated.
"My friend at school Irreep also likes the seagulls from Finding Nemo..." said Oscar.
Then Roger decided to be Jesus, which offended Stan and brought out more of Oscar's stupidity.
"Roger get down from there! This is Sacrilege! This Blasphemy!" Stan yelled. Roger was on the cross as Jesus.
"THIS IS MADNESS!" Oscar yelled.
"Madness..." said King Leonidas.
"Oh crap..." said Bart.
"THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAA!" King Leonidas yelled.
Oscar's room.
Oscar was humming absentmindedly while drawing demented comics about himself as a baby being tormented by cartoon slime monsters.
Nemo hurried in crying and wearing just a diaper.
"Hey Kiddo." said Oscar. He saw Nemo had a birth mark under his hair. three sixes. Demonic chanting rang out from somewhere.
"Meh... must be a Gemini." said Oscar.
Teddy started sniffing Nemo with his big wet shiny nose. He particularly sniffed his diaper.
"Uh Teddy don't fo that..." said Oscar.
Nemo shied away from Teddy.
"Ted he doesn't like you doing that..." Oscar frowned.
...
Marge was crying.
"Oh now why is she crying..." Homer sighed.
"I'm finally an auntie..." Marge sobbed.
"An ant. You Americans insist you are related to ants..." said Oscar.
"Only in Arkansas accents Oz..." said Lisa.
"Tell your wife to cease her bitch crying, I am trying to warn everyone Nemo is the son of the devil! The evil one is among us!" said Stan.
Everyone rolled their eyes.
"She's my aunt." said Hank Simpson.
"You don't count you jerk!" Oscar yelled.
"You're a perverted freak constantly going on about diapers and quicksand?!" Hank yelled.
Oscar socked him with a hard punch.
"Where is Nemo now?" Stan asked.
"My living teddy bear thing is looking after him.
In Oscar's room Teddy was sniffing Nemo's diaper with his big wet shiny black nose. Nemo winced and shied away. Teddy continued sniffing him.
Downstairs Roger was wearing a disguise. Ie a wig and clothes etc.
"I could have made use of disguises to get out of the attic back before Season 8." said Hugo. "Dad wouldn't even notice me."
"Well sorry but these are my disguises." said Roger.
Oscar handed him the phone.
"Oh yeah I have to make a call." said Roger.
"Phone hooooooome!" said Oscar in a silly voice.
Bart face palmed.
Upstairs Teddy was still sniffing Nemo's diaper. Nemo squeezed his nose.
Teddy rubbed his sore nose. He grinned and sniffed Nemo again. Nemo blushed and stood there watching Teddy sniff his diaper.
Stan was putting in the living room with a mug as the hole.
"That's the money shot said Roger.
"Shut up Roger." Stan snapped.
...
At the mall nativity. Roger was Alien Jesus and Stan was Santa.
"Get down from there and put on a disguise! The CIA doesn't want people finding out about extra terrestrials yet!" Stan scuffled with Roger.
"Get your mortal hands off of the grey lord!" Roger as Jesus yelled.
"Once again, I have the abs and devotion to be Jesus..." said Ned.
"Stupid sexy Flanders!" Homer yelled.
Stan and Roger scuffled.
"Stan enough!" Father Donovan told him off.
"Or you will be excommunicated!" said the deacon.
Stan gasped.
"Now why haven't you located the antichrist?!" Father Donovan was exasperated.
"No one will believe me! Not one of these freakish yellow people!" said Stan.
"I believe you." said Ned.
"You do?" Stan asked.
"So the spawn of of Old Scratch walks among us?" said Ned getting out his exorcism kit.
"Well more like toddles. The Antichrist is still only a baby." said Father Donovan.
"Drink this. I wanna see you age rapidly into a skeleton..." said Oscar holding a bejewelled false grail.
Stan sighec.
Seymour gasped. "Good lord!"
"Yes my son..." said Roger as Jesus.
"An alien life form!" said Skinner.
"Good morning Starshines..." said Alien Mr Burns.
"Oh crap, ow i have to break out the neuralysers from Men in Black..." Stan sighed.
"You'll do no such thing! I have a right to to my memories! And I have the right to know aliens live among us!" Oscar snapped.
Stan sighed. "Fine..." He pointed a gun at Roger.
"What in blazes are you doing Smith?!" Father Donovan yelled. "That's out lord! Well an alien dressed as our lord..."
"The CIA in its self appointed authority has decided humanity can't know about aliens yet!" said Stan.
Father Donovan clicked his fingers and priests restrained Stan.
"Let me go! The anomaly must be kept under wraps!" Stan yelled. He was taken away.
...
At church.
Stan was tied up.
"Please don't kick me out! I'm devoted to church as a hardline Republican!" Stan whined.
"Stan you pointed a gun at Jesus. Well Roger performing as Jesus..." said Father Donovan.
"You don't understand!" Stan yelled. "I was never supposed to take him home from the CIA! They don't know that I'm harbouring an alien life form!"
"Oh I understand. The church keeps the secret of the Da Vinci Code under wraps with killer albino monks called Silas." said Father Donovan.
"Stan, I need you to work with me to slay the Antichrist. Or help me find the Holy Grail..."
Stan grimaced. "Father just because your surname is Donovan..."
Oscar sang the Indiana Jones theme.
Then they referenced Jared from Subway...
Oscar screamed.
"Sir we are not ripping off Harrison Ford movies and unfortunately the baby Antichrist is protected..." said Stan.
"Then you're excommunicated..." said Donovan.
Stan cried.
At Home.
"So I'm now just a heathen Democrat..." Stan cried.
Hayley and Lisa glared at him.
"Why not pick a new faith?" Francine asked.
"Like when Muhammad Ali changed his and became Karim Abdul-Jabber..." said Homer.
"You dingbat! He was Cassius Clay then he became Muhammad Ali! Karim Abdul plays for the Lakers!" Hugo yelled.
Homer glared at Hugo.
"I can't! Every honest Republican is Christian!" said Stan.
Lisa snorted and laughed. "Yeah right. You Republicans don't know the meaning of honesty..."
"Shut up Commie!" Stan yelled.
Plot 3
Upstairs.
Nemo was playing with toys and plotting to unleash the forces of Hell and demons etc!
"I gave him some ideas by playing Doom with him..." said Oscar.
Nemo rolled his eyes.
The orphanage.
Father Donovan was there.
"So you'll help me kill the antichrist." He said to Stan.
"I need my religion! I'll do anything!" said Stan.
"I'll ding diddly do help to!" said Ned.
"Yes lets all save the world from an evil toddler..." said Lovejoy.
"Is he always this miserable?" Stan asked.
The orphanage was a smouldering ruins.
"It burnt down shortly after Nemo was adopted by two very ugly women..." said Father Donovan.
"Nemo did this?" Ned asked.
"Either him or Tom Riddle." said Stan.
Oscar chuckled.
"Also Nemo is an anagram of Omen." said Stan.
"That movie was freaky, especially when Damien made the nanny jump off the roof and scared the zoo animals..." said Oscar.
"Son of a jackal and Satan himself they say." said Donovan. Actually Lilith is his mother.
"I do not do that sort of thing with animals!" Satan roared. "Now I won't stand in your way of vanquishing evil because Bewitched is on."
The holy dorks shrugged and went inside the orphanage.
"My baby!" Selma cried while hugging Nemo.
By the horns of Beelzebub this mortal stinks! Nemo cringed in disgust because of the tobacco stench.
"Hey Selm! show some love for Jub-Jub!" said Patty.
Jub-Jub made an iguana sound.
...
Stan and Donovan were taking Nemo being evil way too seriously.
Also they kept going on about Bon Jovi.
Nemo was possessing a raven to spy on them He used his evil powers to make a tree fall on and crush Father Donovan.
"Father Donovan!" Stan cried.
But Father Donovan died.
"Not before I make an Indiana Jones 3 reference! He chose poorly!" Oscar yelled.
The three surviving bible thumpers glanced at him.
Inside.
They were still concerning Nemo by finding out too much. Ie his favourite colour was purple etc.
"Yep here is his papers. Father, Satan. Mother, a jackal." said Stan.
"I did not deflower a jackal!" Satan roared.
Nemo spilt his orange juice.
"Oooooohhh..." Marge sighed.
This in turn strangely caused a flood inside the orphanage to wash them out.
"Okay who played with Jumanji!" Oscar yelled.
Ned rolled his eyes.
At home.
"So my physician says my eye sight is getting worse at 7 units of..." (Some unit of eye sight strength i haven't the foggiest about...) said Steve Smith.
"Well my eyes are pretty bad." said Milhouse.
"Uh huh... why are you blue..." said Steve.
Stan rang Steve's cell phone.
"Yello..."
"Steve! Nemo is the Antichrist!" Stan yelled.
Steve ended the call immediately as if he didn't believe Stan.
Nemo was stood on the arm of the couch glaring at Steve with glowing red eyes...
"Oh hey Nemo." said Steve.
Nemo possessed him. "What is thy bidding? Oh dark prince of fire and sulphur?" Steve said in a trance.
"Coooooool! Possess me! I wanna be possessed!" Oscar cooed. Seriously Oz...
Nemo rolled his eyes.
...
The Vatican.
"The only way to kill the Antichrist is with sacred daggers." said Stan.
"Where are you getting this from?" Jeff asked.
"Wikipedia." said Stan.
"Well I just changed the article on All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 to say Gordon Freeman from Half Life died in it." said Oscar.
"Then that must be true then!" said Stan.
Oscar sighed.
They explored the Vatican.
There were killer albino monk assassins from The Da Vinci Code.
Stan simply shot them, because he has a gun...
"That's not very sporting..." said Oscar.
"Oh no! Peep Show's Lawyers..." said Stan.
There were lawyers.
"Will you guys check someone hasn't already named an episode Season's Beatings?!" Oscar yelled.
At the Simpsons.
"So where'd your Mom this christmas Milhouse?" Bart asked Milhouse.
"Sailing around the world with Mr Potato head." said Milhouse.
Oscar laughed.
Bart frowned at Milhouse.
Nemo toddled in and glared at Oscar with his red eyes. Oscar was immediately under his command.
Oscar babbled in Aramaic while crab walking. His head also spun about like the Exorcist girl.
Bart winced.
In the Vatican.
"Okay the artefacts are kept in the catacombs." said Stan.
"I also see Oscar hasn't come back to goof off." He looked about. Look Oscar is currently possessed right now!"
At the Simpsons Oscar scuttled about chanting in Aramaic.