Chapter 97.

"We should get back to the others." said Dean. He didn't want to. Everything seemed simpler on top of the bunker. It had with Cas too. He felt like the walls of the bunker held him within his past, forcing him to relive mistakes, even if he didn't repeat them. He made no effort to get up.

Anael also stayed where she was. She said nothing. He knew she was thinking plenty. Celestial minds thought on levels he couldn't imagine. They never stooped. There was no peace for angels. They had patience and depth, but never peace. They never slept, never lost themselves in dreams. He knew he had a tendency to overthink, but for her, that was the baseline.

"You're frowning." she said at last.

He rushed a smile. "Yeah, just thinking how dumb I am, compared to you."

"You're not dumb."

"Hey be serious. You're a frickin' genius."

"No." she said.

"It's not low self-esteem. It's a statement of fact. You are cleverer than me."

"My mind processes things differently."

" Better." he corrected her, "About a million times better. You know, if you ever become human, suddenly being an idiot like us will take some getting used to."

"You teach angels how to think." she said.

"No, I don't I just screw with their sense of priorities. It doesn't always work out well."

"Castiel says humans are cleverer than us."

"Which he knows is objectively untrue. Cas just lost faith in himself. It's not that he thinks we're better. He just thinks he's inferior, to everyone and everything. The angel I messed up the most was Cas."

"Also now the happiest of angels."

"Jules did that, not me. Jules and Jack and Sarah."

"He keeps saying it was you."

"You're listening to him too much. Remember how angry he was when we got together?"

Her eyes signalled amusement. "You weren't exactly happy about it yourself. He was scared, for both of us. He apologised." Her expression became more serious. "Are you still troubled by the things he said?"

"No." he said quickly. "Yes." he added. ""Maybe."

"Well, so long as you're sure."

"He was right about a lot of it." He saw the fear come back into her eyes and knew she was expecting him to talk himself into breaking up with her again. "The great strength of our relationship," he said, choosing the word deliberately, "Is that we are honest with each other. I've made no secret of the fact that I'm not a good choice, for anyone. It doesn't mean I'm not gonna try. Truth is, I want this so bad, I'm gonna try more than any of the better guys out there."

She looked at the trees around them, her expression enigmatic. She said nothing for far too long, then she looked at him again and said, " I'll be trying too. Neither of us ever gives up on the stuff we care about."

"But you wonder if I care enough." he said.

"So do you." she said.

He wished he could say she was wrong about that. He cared. He loved her. He just didn't know if what he felt for her could be stronger than his fears. He should say something reassuring, but if she recognised it as a lie, it wasn't likely to help much.

He didn't want to lie to her. There was a fundamental truth to their relationship, an honesty that had never been a part of his previous entanglements. It was weird to think he could trust her more than Lisa, after she had tried to kill them and Lisa never had, but that was how he felt.

"How bad is it?" she said.

"How bad is what?"

"The fear of saying the wrong thing."

"I'm not sure there's a right thing." he said.

"I don't need promises." she said.

"No, you never have, have you?" he said, "You hardly ask me for anything. Of course, angels don't, because they're so screwed in the head or because they just don't know what they should want. Or maybe you think if you ask too much, I'll ditch you."

"Yes."

"Which?"

"All of the above."

He nodded. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

"So, you don't want to say anything, in case it's wrong. Is there something I can say that will be right? Something you want to hear."

He raised a forefinger. "Never tell me what I want to hear. Say nothing or say anything but don't lie to me."

"I wouldn't." she said. It was probably true.

"Sorry." he ventured.

"But if there's something you need to know or something it would help you to hear, if it's true, I can say it."

He stood and reached out his hand to help her to her feet, smiling ruefully as he did it, knowing it was a foolish gesture to an angel who could blink and be across the world. Nevertheless, she took his hand and let him help her.

"You know what helps me?" he said, "Everything you ever say and everything you do. Just having you around is great. When we go in now and Sam doesn't pity me …"

"When has Sam ever pitied you?

"Oh, he did, when I was alone. Hell, I pitied myself. Not alone now, though, am I?" He offered a sheepish grin. "I got jealous sometimes, seeing him with Eileen. I mean, I was happy for him, but it felt like I'd never have … anything, really. I'm not proud of it, but I did envy him a little."

"And now you don't?"

He kissed her lips and said, "Now I don't."

"We didn't have the best start."

"My fault, not yours." he said, "Beginnings and endings are always a mess. We're doing okay now." He smiled at her and she smiled back and he wished they didn't have to rejoin the others. "Are you ready to go back?" he said.

"I'm ready," she said, "But tonight, I want to be alone with you."

"Just you, me and whatever you bought today." he said.

Conversation tailed off as they returned, telling him that they had been discussing him. It was fine. He discussed them behind their backs too. It was the downside of their large family and there was far more of an upside.

"Bobby called." said Sam.

"Problem?" said Dean.

"Nah, just keeping in touch."

Dean nodded. "He came back so he could interfere."

"Of course he did. You're two of a kind."

"That may be the nicest thing you ever said to me or maybe the worst."

"Does it matter what made him come back, as long as something did? He's alive again."

"True, but I don't need his intervention. I'm happy with how things are."

"He just wants to be around if you do need him." said Sam, then he added, "It's not like you'd ever ask."

"We both asked him for help like a million times."

"With hunting, not with relationships."

"He's hardly an expert in that field and I never needed any help in it."

"Because you never had any relationships. At least, none that lasted long enough for you to pick up a phone."

Dean was getting more tan a little irritated. "You want me to talk about all your past failures in that area?"

"No, I really don't." said Sam.

"Let's just all be happy that everyone's failures are in the past," suggested Jules, "And that Bobby is back for good."

"Everything's okay, isn't it?" said Cas, regarding Dean with clear concern.

"Everything's fine." said Dean, "Everything's great."

"You can tell by the scowl." said Anael, "That's his happy scowl."

"I know it well." said Cas and the two angels exchanged a look that made Dean feel very exposed.

"What's the collective term for a bunch of angels?" he said, "A conspiracy?"

"Actually …. " Cas began.

"Rhetorical, Cas." said Dean.