January's prompt: first kiss

Her fingers ran across the many spines, her eyes scanning each title as she desperately searched for something to distract her. The few novels she had brought with her held little appeal and she had hoped to find one that would catch her interest. But she had already looked through half of the library and had nothing to show for it. When she had retired hours earlier, she had been tired from a long evening of entertaining and was looking forward to a good night's sleep. Unfortunately her wandering mind had other ideas and after two hours of tossing and turning, she had decided to venture down to the library.

Coming to the end of the shelf, she let out a sigh and tightened her dressing gown, before moving onto the next. The fire had yet to burn out which provided her with a minimal amount of light and almost no warmth against the nighttime chill. As she reached the last book on the ledge, she decided she would finish this section of shelving and return to her room, book or no book. At the very least, the act of browning the rows of books had given her something to focus on and calmed her mind somewhat. It wasn't enough to usher in the tiredness she sought, but it would have to do.

Finally, her eyes fell upon a title she had heard bandied about in London's various ballrooms. It wasn't something she would normally read and quite frankly, had little interest in, but it might be what she needed to fall asleep. Selecting the book from the shelf, she turned, preparing to return to her room, and caught sight of a sleeping figure on the red settee. She startled and bumped into the shelves, the wooden ledges painfully colliding with her ribs. Audibly gasping, she clutched her side and forced several deep gulps of air into her lungs as she waited for the throbbing to abate.

To her dismay, the figure on the couch stirred and slowly sat up. Her chagrin was multiplied tenfold when she realized it was her fiancé. She watched as he sleepily ran his hand over his face and through the curls on the top of his head. She hoped he would get up and leave without noticing her, but no such luck.

"Cora?" he whispered, his eyes squinting as he tried to make her out in the shadows.

"I'm sorry," she blurted, her hand still trying to rub the ache from her side. "I didn't mean to wake you… I-I thought I was alone."

He waved off her apology and rolled his shoulders to rid himself of the strain he much have acquired from sleeping in such a contorted position.

"It's just as well. I didn't mean to fall asleep down here," he said. He paused and fixed his eyes on her, looking at her as though he had just realized she was really there. "Couldn't sleep?"

Cora shook her head. "I was looking for something help distract me. I hope you don't mind…"

"Of course not," he answered and then smiled, "This is to be your home."

She stared at him. He really looked adorable with his mussed curls, sleepy eyes, and lazy smile. But Cora couldn't return his mood. The mention of Downton becoming her home brought her earlier anxiety back to the forefront of her mind. She tried to think of a reason to quickly vacate the room before Robert became aware of her demeanor, but from the way she saw his face drop, she knew he had noticed her melancholy state.

"Is something wrong?" he asked.

Cora opened her mouth to respond, the answer on the tip of her tongue, but remembering the aversion Englishmen have towards emotions, she snapped her jaw closed and shook her head.

"Just battling some insomnia," she answered instead, her attempt at nonchalance falling flat. She turned away from him and towards the many rows of books, her attention absorbed by the way the dying fire reflected off the gold lettering on their spines.

"You're certain?" he asked hesitantly.

She nodded, still unable to look at him.

"Because I would like you to feel you can talk to me if you need to," he continued.

His words were halting, as though he was forming the thought as he spoke, his voice wavering ever so slightly. Cora forced her gaze from the shelves and back over to where he was still seated on the settee. The stoop of his shoulders and the clenching and unclenching of his hands betrayed that he was just as uncertain as she. Cora gulped and lowered her eyes to the book she held clasped between her hands.

"Do you think I can do this, Robert?" she murmured.

"Do what?" he asked, brows furrowed.

"Be a countess, run this house, survive in a foreign country," she explained, returning her gaze to him. "Most of your friends don't seem to think I can. I spent all evening listening to their poorly cloaked remarks about my inadequacy, how they don't think I will last. Do you really think I can do this? Because after this evening, I'm not so sure."

Robert frowned and clasped his hands together. "Nothing has been permanently settled," he began, "so it wouldn't be too difficult to release you from our engagement. The last thing I want is to force you into anything you don't—"

"I'm not looking to back out, Robert," she interjected.

"Then I'm not sure I…" he huffed before lapsing off. His eyes moved to the fireplace and studied the dying embers as though they held the answer.

Cora let out a humorless laugh. "I'm not sure I do either."

She took in a breath and shifted her weight from one foot to the other and back again. "I just…I suppose it is finally hitting me, everything I'm about it give up, everything I am about to take on. With no promise of ha—"

She cut herself off, uncertain she should continue and risk offending Robert.

"Happiness?" he murmured.

She nodded, her gaze falling to the floor. The sound of rustling fabric alerted her to Robert's movements. He came to stand in front of her, the toes of his shoes coming into her view. Gently, he removed the book from her hands and laid it on the nearby shelf. Slowly, as though he was afraid he would frighten her off, he reached forward and entwined his hands with hers. Warmth and a feeling she couldn't place blossomed in her chest at the contact.

"Cora," he whispered, "I mean to make you happy. I know I can't promise more than that and it is probably not enough. And I know you have no reason to believe me, but I promise I will strive with everything I have to make you happy."

He was right. She had no reason to believe him. But the press of his hands in hers, the way he unconsciously massaged the back of her hand with his thumb, steadied her in away she didn't know was possible. It confounded her. She had held hands before, but it had never felt so comforting, so reassuring, so strengthening, and she found she did believe him.

Slowly, Cora raised her eyes, her breath catching in her throat when their gazes locked. She watched as he leaned towards her and was certain her heart was about to leap out of her chest. Up until now, Robert had only kissed her once on the cheek. It had been small and fleeting, but it had left a smile on her face in the following days as well as a desire for him to really kiss her. But, just when she thought he would finally press his lips to hers, he turned his head away and stepped back, dropping her hands.

"It's quite late," he murmured. "We should go up."

"Robert," she whispered, her eyes searching for his in the darkness.

"Yes?"

Her heart thundered in her chest and her cheeks flared in embarrassment at the boldness of what she was about to request, but she was not deterred. "Kiss me. Please."

He didn't respond at first and Cora felt her heart plummet.

"Are you certain?" he asked finally, turning back towards her and regarding her with uncertainty.

Nodding her head, Cora held her breath as he drew close to her again, his arms slipping around her waist as her hands came to rest on his shoulders. Her eyes drifted closed as he nuzzled her face and brushed feather light kisses to her cheeks. Anticipation fluttered in her abdomen as she felt him near her lips. The first press of his mouth was brief. But the second, oh the second… Her knees weakened and her insides turned to liquid. Cora felt her body melt into his on its own accord as his lips moved against hers. Sliding her hands from his shoulders to the nape of his neck, her fingers twisted into the hair at the back of his head and pulled him closer. Faintly, she became aware of his hands slipping lower on her back as he drew her nearer still. It occurred to her that she was allowing him far too many liberties, that she should pull away, should stop him, but she couldn't find the willpower to do so. They were to be married, she reasoned. There should be nothing wrong with embracing her intended in such a manner.

When Robert's lips slid from her mouth to her jaw and began to descend down her neck to the jut of her collarbone, she gasped in surprise and gripped his shoulders to steady herself. "Robert," she breathed involuntarily.

The almost inaudible sound of her voice was like a gunshot in the silent room and shattered the atmosphere that had enveloped them. Robert instantly pulled away from her and without his arms wrapped around her, Cora shivered against the chill of the night air. As she stood, breathing heavily, the reality of their predicament fully registered and her earlier regret at the end of their embrace was replaced by embarrassment. She was alone with a man she was not married to, clad only in her nightclothes, the belt on her dressing gown having come undone at some point, giving Robert a full view of her nightgown, which only furthered the impropriety of the situation.

"Forgive me," he said, panting softly. He took a few paces away from her and ran his hand over his face. "I should never have taken advantage…"

Cora quickly tightened the sash at her waist and took in another steadying breath. "No, don't apologize. I asked you to."

"You asked me to kiss you, but I'm assuming you didn't mean like that?" he stated, with his brow arched and a smile twitched at his lips.

Cora bit back a smile and looked away. "Well no, not exactly," she answered before pausing for a moment and adding in a much softer voice, "But I didn't mind. I quite enjoyed it actually."

Robert allowed himself a proud grin. "You did?"

She smiled and returned her gaze to his. "Very much. But I suppose for the sake of propriety, we should try to maintain a respectable distance until after the wedding."

"You're still willing to go through with it?" he asked, his voice filled with hope.

As she began to answer, her earlier apprehension returned. But instead of allowing it to sweep her away, she reached for Robert, tightly clasping his hands in hers. It gave her the confidence she needed. With Robert's hand in hers, she could face any obstacle—even one like leaving everything she knew for a man she didn't quite love yet.

"Yes," she promised, looking up at him with shining eyes. "Yes, I am."

Cora watched as his eyes brightened and felt her heart swell. He may not love her and he may only be marrying her for her money, but he held some regard for her and that would be enough. She could be happy with him…she would be happy with him. Love might never grow between them, but companionship and friendship would and that may just be enough for them to be happy.