***This story is going through a rewrite. It is not abandoned, though it may be a little while before another update.***
Jedi Temple, Three years before the start of the Clone Wars
Ahsoka Tano sits by herself against the wall of a rarely travelled corridor in the Jedi Temple, her eyes, red and puffy from crying. It seems like no matter what she tries; she can't fit in with her peers. She wants to be a Jedi Knight more than anything in the galaxy, but she often feels too different from what a typical Jedi should be.
She's emotional.
She's outspoken.
She's rebellious.
She's everything the Jedi tell her she shouldn't be.
So, every morning when she wakes up, she has to bury those parts of herself and be what they want her to be. She's used to the mask by now, and she wears it well, but occasionally, on nights like tonight, when all the lying to herself about who she really is bubbles to the surface, she feels like a failure; far from the picture-perfect Jedi she strives to be, and she cries.
How can she help who she's been created to be? If the Force truly made her this way, why does everybody tell her that it's wrong?
She's too lost in her own thoughts to hear him coming—which is embarrassing considering she has far better hearing than most of the other species in the Temple—so, she's startled when he walks up beside her.
She watches him with pooly masked interest as he wordlessly sits down next to her, crosses his legs, and closes his eyes. Though she's never formally met him before, everyone in the temple knows who he is.
Anakin Skywalker: The Chosen One.
She's admittedly intrigued by what he's doing here in the middle of the night, but she's too mortified by being found crying alone in a hallway to say anything. Feeling a bit awkward and unsure what to do, she starts to get up and head back to her room. But as soon as she begins to move, he gently places a hand on her arm and stops her. She turns to look at him only to see a pair of cerulean blue eyes looking back at her. She notices that within the depths of those eyes, there is no judgement, no pity, only concern and understanding.
She nods at his unspoken request to stay and settles back down. He smiles and closes his eyes again, relaxing into his meditation. She looks at him for a minute, and although she really doesn't feel like meditating herself, she decides to give it a try, in hopes of finding some sort of peace with him by her side.
Closing her eyes and clearing her mind, she opens herself up to the Force. She's really not expecting to have any success due to her state of mind, so when nothing happens at first, she's not really surprised. But then, just when she's about to give up and head back to her room, she feels it, or rather, she feels him, and her breath catches in her chest.
His presence is like a warm golden light and it nearly overwhelms her, enveloping her in a tender embrace. Powerful waves of calm wash over her, and ease away her anxiety, while a feeling of peace wraps around her and makes her feel safe. She almost instinctively curls into his presence, relaxing into its warmth. Here, she can just rest, free from the expectations of others, and although she knows it won't last forever, she would give anything just to stay lost in this moment forever.
She's not sure how long their presences stay intertwined like that, but eventually, she starts to feel his presence slowly pull away from hers and she opens her eyes. She raises her head and looks to her left, expecting him to be gone, but she's pleasantly surprised to see that he's still sitting beside her. Then reality hits her as she realizes that her head was on his shoulder, and she's wrapped herself tightly around his arm, holding his hand.
Her lekku darken in embarrassment and she quickly pulls away from him, apologizing profusely. But he just laughs off the whole thing and flashes her an understanding smile. Then, without another word, he stands up and begins to leave. She watches him in confusion, and wonders if she should say something to him before he goes, but before she has a chance to think of what to say, he stops and turns around.
"I never got your name," he says, smiling softly.
Throat suddenly dry, she swallows thickly. "Ah—Ahsoka. Ahsoka Tano"
He looks off in the distance and repeats her name as if committing it to memory, "Ahsoka Tano." Then he looks back at her. "Be proud of who you are, Ahsoka Tano. I know you sometimes feel like you don't belong here, but your love for others is not a weakness, it's actually your greatest strength, and don't let anyone tell you any different."
Then, before she can say anything in reply, he turns around and walks away. Her unblinking eyes follow him until he disappears around the corner, and even then, her gaze stays fixed on the spot where he just was.
After a few moments, she pulls herself together, stands up, and straightens her robes— head still spinning from her encounter. She glances in the direction he left one more time and smiles, then she starts walking the other way, heading back to her room.
When she finally arrives, she looks at the chrono and is surprised to see that it's been six hours since she left the previous night. She isn't exactly sure what time Anakin found her in the hallway, but it shouldn't have been more than an hour after she snuck out, which means that she was meditating with him, with her head on his shoulder and holding his hand, for the last five hours.
She smiles as she remembers the warmth of his presence and hopes that she'll able to see him again. She goes into her bedroom and shuts the door, then flops on her bed and lets out a contented sigh.
Suddenly, the weight of everyone's expectations doesn't feel so heavy anymore, and for the first time in a long time, she feels like everything might be okay.
Jedi Temple, Two years before the start of the Clone Wars
It's no secret that Anakin Skywalker has struggled with attachments the entire time he's been a part of the Jedi Order. He tries his best to let go, he really does, even if for no other reason than to please his Master, but it never feels right, as if something inside of him cries out every time he's forced to push an attachment aside.
The one attachment he struggles with the most is the one with his mother; he spent the first nine years of his life with her after all. But between the non-attachment side of the Jedi, and the pro-attachment side of his mother, Anakin feels like he's being torn in two. Should he do what the Jedi tell him to do and forget all about his attachment to her, or should he do what he feels is right in his heart and continue to hold on.
It all comes to a head one night when Anakin starts having visions of his mother, and a man he doesn't know, standing in front of a large group of people. Based on what the people in the group are wearing, it's safe to assume that they are all slaves, or maybe freed slaves. His mother then proceeds to ask him to join them and fulfill his childhood dream of freeing all the slaves on Tatooine.
The first time this happens, Anakin doesn't really think much of it. He figures that maybe it's just his conscience reminding him of his promise to go back and free his mother. But after having the exact same vision six nights in a row, Anakin decides it's time to look for help.
First, he turns to Obi-Wan, who tells him that his vision could just be the Force instructing him to let go of his mother, showing him that she will be just fine on her own. But that explanation doesn't feel right to Anakin, so Obi-Wan suggests that he pay a visit to Master Yoda, who is more adept at understanding Force visions than he is.
The next day, Anakin finds himself sitting in Master Yoda's chambers, relaying his vision to the Grandmaster of the Order. He makes sure to emphasize that he's seen the exact same vision seven nights in a row now, which would seem to be apparent that it means something.
To Anakin, it seems obvious that the Force is trying to show him a glimpse of the future, but Yoda agrees with Obi-Wan's interpretation of it, that the Force is telling Anakin to let go of his mother.
The whole situation makes Anakin feel very nervous, so he pleads with Master Yoda to send someone to check on his mother, or at least to check to see if she's still in slavery or not. But his request for someone to go to Tatooine in denied, and Yoda tells Anakin that he needs to meditate on it if he wants to see clearly.
Anakin leaves Master Yoda's chambers in a foul mood, furious at how the Jedi can be so flippant about a woman in slavery, regardless of if it's his mother or not. Nothing he's heard in the last few days sits right with him, so he decides to meditate on it as Master Yoda suggests and see if he can find a better answer through the Force.
He closes his eyes, and his thoughts immediately drift towards his mother. He would give anything if she could be here with him right now. Then his thoughts suddenly change to the man standing next to her, and Anakin wonders who he could possibly be. Maybe he's the one who frees her?
He notices they're holding hands in the vision, so it's possible that they're in some sort of a relationship. It would be nice for his mother to have someone to care for her so Anakin wouldn't have to worry about her all the time. On top of that, Anakin would get a stepfather— which excites him more than he wants to admit.
Speaking of fathers, Anakin has never been sure about his mother's claim that he was born without a father; making him essentially, a child of the Force. He wants to believe it, and she's never lied to him before, but the concept of it just seems too impossible to even consider. He wishes he could just ask the Force directly.
Then a lightbulb goes off in Anakin's head. Maybe he's going about this all wrong. Clearing his mind, Anakin sinks into the Force and decides to try and communicate with it as a child would a parent, directly.
Once he's in a meditative state, he's met with the warm familiar light. He's never thought about it much before, but he notices that the light just appears to him whenever he meditates. It's strange because Obi-Wan used to tell him that he would have to search for it whenever he meditates, but for Anakin, the light has always just been there.
Curious about it now, Anakin begins to explore the area around the light. Not seeing anything strange, he expands his search to see what lies beyond it. After moving far enough away, he turns around and sees that the light is surrounded by a vast ocean, wild and chaotic. However, everywhere the light touches, the waters are calm.
"Interesting", he thinks as he heads back to the light.
Once back in it's warm embrace, he considers what to do next. How exactly does one go about talking to the Force? As with everything, Anakin decides that the best approach is just to be as straightforward as possible, so he clears his throat and calls out to it.
"Hello?"
A few seconds of silence pass and Anakin shakes his head, feeling foolish for even trying to talk to it. But then he feels a shift, and much to his surprise, the form of a woman appears, "Hello, Ekkreth. I'm so excited you've come"
It—She—has a soothing voice and a warm calming presence that reminds him so much of the golden light he sees whenever he meditates. What surprises him the most is that She seems just as excited to talk to him as he is to Her.
Waves of peace, love, and affection seem to pour off of Her. Well, at least he thinks it's coming from Her, it's hard to tell when the emotions seem to be coming from everywhere.
"Ekkreth?" Anakin asks, just registering what she called him.
She tilts her head in question. "Is that not what your people call the one who walks the sky?" She asks, confused.
"Y— Yes. That is my name in Amatakka. I guess I'm just surprised to hear you call me that. It's a… slave language and you're… well… you're the Force."
"Oh… I can call you Anakin if Ekkreth makes you uncomfortable, but I chose it because it suits you; The Slave Who Makes Free."
Anakin bristles for a moment. Not just at the mention of him being a slave, but because he definitely doesn't feel like he's made anyone free. But ultimately, he doesn't feel like starting an argument, so he just goes with it. "No, no, that's okay. Ekkreth is fine," he responds, and the Force hums with approval.
Anakin asks Her what he should do about the vision, and She tells him that he will need to leave the Jedi Order in order to find out. He's shocked and saddened by this revelation as he's always wanted to be a Jedi, but She warns him that if he insists on staying in the Order, the Jedi and the Sith will battle over his gifts, and darkness will consume him and the galaxy.
She explains to him that because the purpose of the Chosen One is to bring balance to the Force, siding with either the Jedi or the Sith would not bring about true balance, it would favor one side or the other.
Then she tells him that he needs to go to Tython and she will help him train, as the Force is unnaturally strong there. She tells him that She will train him not as a Jedi or a Sith, but as someone in the middle, learning from both major sects. When Anakin expresses concern about learning the dark side of the Force, She laughs and explains to him that there is no such thing as the "light side" or the "dark side", there is only the Force and the way people interact with it.
Continuing, She tells him that the Chosen One is meant to learn all aspects of the Force, which means learning not only Jedi and Sith teachings, but other lost and fringe teachings as well. She tells him about the Grey Jedi, and others of their kind who seek to achieve balance, and since Anakin is a child of the Force, She promises to teach him how to use the Force to his full potential. Nothing will be hidden from him if he wishes to know it.
Anakin continues to speak with the Force throughout the evening, and She confirms for him that She is the one that sends him the warm golden light whenever he meditates. She tells him that She does it to help quell the raging ocean inside of him; giving him a warm, safe space to find peace.
She explains that most Force users interact with the Force in a much different way than he does. For them, the Force is like a stream, which they can walk out into and direct the water where they need it to go. But since he is a child of the Force, he exists at the chaotic and powerful source of the stream, and if there was nothing to calm the water, he would be overwhelmed by it.
She tells him that she will teach him how to calm the water like the light does, so it doesn't always seem so chaotic. She explains that in a sense, he's not stepping out into the water like the others do when they use the Force, he is the water, so the power of it is always available.
When Anakin finally opens his eyes after communicating with the Force most of the day, he notices something different about his Force presence. It feels more powerful and more connected to everything around him than before, like something finally clicked into place.
He looks in the mirror to see if he can see any physical changes related to what he's feeling and notices with a shock that his irises are glowing white. Obviously nervous as to how this change might be received, he asks the Force about it, and is thankful to learn that he can change them back to their original color with just a thought.
Over the next few days, anytime Anakin starts to feel overwhelmed by what he needs to do, he quickly reaches out into the Force to feel that warm familiar light and it calms him. Now that he knows the truth about who he is, he makes sure to never take the light for granted as it feels like home, which makes a lot more sense now that he knows he's literally a child of the Force itself.
The light also reminds him of the night he met Ahsoka. He remembers feeling her emotional distress all the way from the other side of the temple and somehow knowing she needed help. He's absolutely sure the Force guided him to her, and that she's supposed to be a big part of his life somehow going forward, which was reinforced when they meditated together and her Force presence blended so seamlessly into his own.
Though he's never seen someone react physically to a feeling in the Force before, when he came out of their shared meditation and saw her snuggled up next to him, holding his hand, he didn't dare to move or let go.
Every time he thinks of that night, he smiles at the memory. It was honestly the first time he felt like he helped someone by doing something only he could do.
Anakin gets up very early the next morning and starts to pack his room. Generally, Jedi have very few possessions, but Anakin is usually always working on something, so he has a lot of random droid and machine parts just laying around. He sorts through all the random pieces of tech and picks out a few spare parts for his lightsaber, then he leaves the rest, as he has no way to carry them when he leaves.
As soon as he's finished, he zips up his bag and puts on his robes. Then he walks to the door and turns around, taking one last look at the room. He bows out of respect, then leaves, searching the Force to find Obi-Wan.
He finds the Jedi Master in a meditation room and knocks before walking inside. The conversation about him leaving is emotional and difficult for both parties, with Obi-Wan constantly trying to apologize to Anakin, and Anakin telling him he has nothing to apologize for. But eventually Obi-Wan relents and tells him," You must do what the Force is calling you to do", and they embrace one last time— 'no attachments' be damned. Anakin knows that this will be a difficult decision for Obi-Wan to accept, but the Force ensures him that he will be okay.
Anakin also wants to say goodbye to Ahsoka before he leaves, but he isn't even sure where to start looking for her, or what he will say. "Hey, you remember that one time when we meditated together, and you fell asleep on me? Well, I've been thinking about you ever since" sounds really creepy when he says it out loud.
Still, he feels this strange connection to her and wants to at least make an effort to say goodbye. So, he closes his eyes and searches for her in the Force, desperately hoping to find her presence somewhere in the temple.
After tracking her down to the cafeteria, Anakin walks in and sees her sitting at a table, socializing with her friends. He had planned on saying something to her directly, but now that he's here, he loses his nerve. So, he just sends her waves of peace and calm like he did for her on that first night. She immediately recognizes it as him, and starts looking around the cafeteria, searching for him in the sea of faces.
Finally, her eyes meet his from across the room, and she flashes him a smile so warm it could melt Hoth. He can't help but to smile back, even though he feels this ache, steadily growing inside his chest. He doesn't want to make a big scene when he leaves, so he just smiles sadly and waves to her, whispering "Goodbye, Ahsoka" as he walks out the door. He can see her smile fade as she watches him go, and he wonders if she feels the ache in her chest too. But he doesn't let it stop him, he has to go, even if all he wants to do is stay with her.
He finally makes it outside and takes a deep breath. Then he starts going down the stairs in front of the Temple. Each step he takes somehow makes him feel heavier and lighter at the same time. When he reaches the bottom, he turns around to look up at the Temple one last time and sees Obi-Wan standing at the top of the stairs. Even though he's smiling and waving to him, Anakin can feel the sadness and grief pouring off of him in waves and it breaks his heart. Nevertheless, Anakin smiles and waves back at his former Master, before turning and heading to the spaceport.
While he's waiting for a shuttle to Tatooine, Anakin continues to feel his former master's despair back at the Temple. He tries to send him waves of reassurance and calm, but Obi-Wan's shields are up, and he can't seem to get through.
He draws a little more power from the Force and tries again, but Obi-Wan seems content on keeping things sealed up tight and Anakin doesn't want to push it if that's what he feels he needs to do. Everyone grieves in their own way, he reminds himself, so if Obi-Wan feels like this is what he needs to do to get by, then Anakin will leave him be.
Just when Anakin is about to pull his Force presence back from the Temple altogether, he senses Ahsoka, and it brings a smile to his face. Usually sensing someone this far away indicates a strong bond in the Force, like he has with Obi-Wan, so the fact that Anakin can sense her at all is surprising, let alone the strength to which he can sense her. He checks her out in the Force and is surprised to find that there's a new bond connecting the two of them now.
Following that bond, Anakin can tell that she's close to where Obi-Wan is in the temple, and that she's trying to send waves of peace and calm to him like Anakin did for her all those years ago. He reaches along their bond and reinforces the waves she's sending him, hoping that she'll be able to be there for him long after he's gone. Once he feels Obi-Wan's presence begin to calm down, Anakin retreats from his bond with Ahsoka and thanks her silently. Then he pulls his presence all the way back from the Temple, and loads a ship to Tatooine.
The temple gardens are chilly as Ahsoka sits down to do her morning meditation. Since Anakin came to her that one night a year ago, Ahsoka has been able to find peace with her issues. Many people still think she's too emotional and a little bit reckless, but she's realized that's just a part of who she is, and she's learned to embrace it.
As she settles in, she reaches out to search for his presence and finds that he's not at the temple. She often searches for him while she's meditating to ground her, but many times, he's off world with Master Kenobi or on some sort of mission, so she's used to him not being here.
When she's lucky enough to catch him at the temple, though, she subconsciously latches on to his presence, and basks in the warm golden light he gives off. While it's not exactly the same as when he shares it with her directly, it's just as peaceful and calm, and she's pulled towards it like a magnet.
But something about him being gone today feels different to her, and she shudders involuntarily as she suddenly feels empty and cold, like a piece of her is missing. "That's weird", she murmurs to herself, not sure what to make of it.
Ahsoka sees Master Kenobi arrive and watches as he walks towards her. His face is etched in barely contained sadness, and his presence feels muted in the Force. One look at him and she can tell that his mental shields are up without even having to probe. It's rare to see him like this as he is usually the picture of a perfect Jedi Knight— stoic, strong and impassive. But today, it seems like he's barely holding it together behind his calm demeanor.
He sits down across from her, and as he tries to relax into the Force, his shields slip momentarily. Ahsoka is hit with a blast of several emotions at once, but the ones that come through strongest are sadness, grief, loss, and… failure? He seems to realize that his shields have come down and reinforces them before glancing around to see if anyone noticed. Fortunately, Ahsoka is able to close her eyes before he notices her, and he settles back into his meditation.
After a few minutes, she peeks one eye open and watches him quietly. She can see that he is struggling to find the peace he so desperately seeks, so Ahsoka decides to take a page out of Anakin's book and walks over to him. She sits down next to him and gently lays a hand on his arm. She slips into her own meditation and starts to send the waves of peace and calm that Anakin helped her with all those years ago in hopes that it will help Obi-Wan the same way it helped her. She knows her waves aren't as strong as Anakin's are, no one's is, but she does the best she can, and hopes it will be enough.
Obi-Wan opens his eyes to see Ahsoka sitting beside him with her hand on his arm. He can feel her sending waves of peace through the Force and smiles to himself. He closes his eyes and lets down his shields a bit to make it easier for her, attempting to enjoy the thoughtful gesture from the young Togruta.
Part of the way through though, Ahsoka feels Anakin's familiar warmth reinforce the waves she's sending Obi-Wan, and she gasps. But the feeling seems to fade as quickly as it comes, and the waves return to normal. Obi-Wan feels the shift in the waves as well when the waves become stronger and warmer. He lets out his own gasp when he feels not only Ahsoka coming through the waves, but Anakin too. He opens his eyes and quickly looks around the garden, hoping to find Anakin and his bright presence back at the temple, but finds no one there except for the he and the young woman beside him, and he sighs.
When Ahsoka first hears the news that Anakin has left the Order, she's able to keep a straight face and control her emotions; the proper behavior befitting a Jedi Knight. But later in the day, the grip she has on her emotions starts to fray, and she eventually has to excuse herself to a place where she can be alone.
The sadness and grief she feels over him being gone overwhelms her, and she's not even sure why. How can losing someone she doesn't even really know hurt this much? It doesn't make sense. But no matter how much sense it does or doesn't make, it doesn't stop the pain she feels from his absence from being any less all consuming. She feels like a part of her is missing, leaving a giant hole in her heart, and making her cry.
Obi-Wan finds her alone in the hallway later that day, and tells her that while he can't explain it, he feels Anakin's presence mixed in with her own. Hoping to find some understanding about her own feelings on the matter, Ahsoka listens and lets him talk. Then she shares her memories of Anakin and how she always looked for his presence whenever she needed to feel safe.
Obi-Wan spends the rest of the evening sharing stories of Anakin with her, happy to have someone to commiserate with.
A warm light settles over the pair as they continue to talk into the night.
The Force's light.
Anakin's light.
And as the Force listens to all the love these two beings have for her child; she beams with pride.
Tatooine
As soon as Anakin arrives on Tatooine, he goes directly to Watto's shop to check on his mother. Much to his surprise, he finds out that she was purchased a while ago by a man named Cliegg Lars, who supposedly freed and married her not too long ago. He gets directions to the Lars homestead from Watto in exchange for fixing a couple things, then sets out to find her.
On his way there, Anakin begins to think about his vision. If his mom is free and married to Cliegg, then that must mean that freeing the slaves is next. He arrives shortly after lunch and has a tearful reunion with his mom. After meeting the other members of the Lars family, he settles in for a bit before helping Cliegg and Owen with the farm.
While eating dinner later that evening, Anakin tells the family about his vision, and Shmi trades a look with her husband. Anakin notices and raises an eyebrow in question. Shmi smiles and explains to Anakin that she and Cliegg have been talking about freeing slaves for a while. So now, hearing about his vision, she thinks it's a sign to get started.
The Force sings with agreement at this declaration and Anakin smiles, anxious to get started. He tells the family that the Force is calling him to Tython, but will be more than happy to help with the movement in anyway he can.
Later that night, Anakin goes outside to meditate in the cool desert air. As he settles in and closes his eyes, he starts to go through the day's events. He has been dreaming about the day when he and his mom are free for as long as he can remember, and now that it's here, he smiles.
On top of that, his mom is married now, which makes him happy that he won't have to worry about her as much when he goes to Tython. They're also starting a new coalition to free slaves, which fulfills his childhood dream, and… and… he still gets to train to be a Jedi— er, well… Force user.
With all of those good memories fresh in his mind, he opens himself up to the Force and begins to meditate. He immediately notices that everything he feels and sees in the Force is quieter than usual. When he looks around, he's surprised to see that the ocean isn't raging around him, it's just calm, even outside of the light.
He thinks about what could have changed since the last time he's meditated and replays the day's events in his mind. Then, it hits him like a bantha… love.
Love for his mom.
Love for freeing the slaves.
Love of a new husband and wife.
The underlying emotion of everything over the last day is love.
The Force appears above him and circles around him a few times with a smile on Her face. He feels pride emanating off of Her and looks up as She settles in front of him.
"Why are you so happy tonight?" he asks.
She looks down at him with a knowing smile on her face, "I think you know, my love. You've already figured it out."
Anakin smiles back at Her, "Love. Love is the Force. It cannot be contained or controlled as it is endless and without borders. The reason why everything seems so off in the Jedi Temple is because they don't allow love, not in the way it's meant to be expressed anyway. They're so caught up in dogma that they've turned their back on what the Force really is. That's why, even in a galaxy with over 10,000 Jedi, everything still feels out of balance."
The Force beams with pride and places a hand on his shoulder. "I'm very proud of you, Ekkreth! That's generally a hard lesson to learn for those who begin training as a Jedi."
Anakin glows at the compliment. "Thank you… mother" He winks.
The Force twirls with glee and places a kiss on his cheek
"Mother! I love it!" She exclaims.
"Now, I know you're ready to get started on everything that is required for you to bring the Force back into balance, but first we need to work on finding the balance inside of you. You have strong emotions, my son, and if you do not learn to balance them and direct them appropriately, they will consume you like the ocean in your heart. But as you can see…" she motions to the calm waters all around them, "you can learn to find this balance in yourself, no matter what emotions you feel."
Anakin considers Her words carefully. He agrees that he often struggles with his emotions, especially anger, but he wants to do this, and do it right.
So, mind made up, he smiles at his Mother. "Well then… let's get started."
She smiles back at him and exclaims happily, "Yes. Let's!"