[Wendy's room, night. Stan is on a beanbag chair as Wendy sifts through the lists at her desk]
WENDY: Wait a minute. Wait, Stan, I think I've got something!
[Stan gets off the chair and walks up to the desk]
WENDY: Take a look at this: during final deliberation of the list for cutest boy, seven girls gave Clyde a glitter rating of only one sparkle.
STAN: I have no idea what you're talking about.
WENDY: It doesn't add up. It is possible that Bebe made a mistake when she tallied the sunshine votes onto the final list. [they look at each other, smiling]
[Bebe's house, day. Wendy and Stan walk up; Wendy knocks on the door. Bebe answers]
BEBE: Oh, hi Wendy!
WENDY: Hey Bebe. Do you still have the voter cards for the list that rated the boys' looks?
BEBE: [nervously looks around] Huh? Oh those? [she chuckles] Oho Wendy, we're done with that list.
WENDY: I know, but I think there's been a mistake. Six of the girls I've talked to didn't vote Clyde the cutest. That means that mathematically he should have been-
BEBE: [immediately becomes defensive] Alright, you need to stop. Digging. Around, Wendy! [looks around to make sure no one else is listening] You might not like... what you find! Just back off and stop asking questions! You're getting close to a secret that I don't think you can handle! Let it go, okay? God! [she walks back in and slams the door behind her]
WENDY: [she tries knocking on Bebe's door again and again] Bebe? Bebe, are you still here? [no answer] What's with her?
STAN: That didn't sparkle with her, did it?
[True-Value Hardware and Home Improvement, day. Someone is purchasing a lot of kerosene, propane, and lighter fluid]
CLERK: One canister of propane, six cans of lighter fluid, [Kyle stands there with determination in his eyes] seven gallons of high-octane kerosene, and a box of matches. [the total is $82.32] Okay, is that everything, little boy?
KYLE: [determined] That should just about do it.
CLERK: Do you like to put this on your True-Value card today?
[The girls' meeting room, evening. Wendy and Stan are back in the middle of the room. Two girls are before them, behind the small table in front of the bench who are Esther Stoley and Sally Powder Turner]
WENDY: Honorary Chair, Mrs. Secretary-
POWDER: Just call me Powder.
WENDY: Sorry, I mean Powder, I believe your leader made a mistake with one of our lists. I've compiled a full report, and it turns out that nobody voted Clyde the cutest in the class. I believe Bebe changed the list to make him number one.
POWDER: Why would she do that?
WENDY: Right after the list was made, Bebe started going out with Clyde. You can read all the discrepancies here. [drops the report on the table] We need to remake that list.
[The girls look at the list as Wendy returns to Stan]
ESTHER: [becomes sinister] You just couldn't let it go! [puts her left hand on the report]
WENDY: Huh, what do you mean? Call the girls in!
ESTHER: I'm afraid we can't do that, Wendy! [Powder leaves the table]
POWDER: Did you know, Wendy, that Clyde's father owns the shoe store at the mall? A lot of us have always wanted to date Clyde to get free shoes, but we couldn't, because he wasn't popular enough.
WENDY: [points at her] You knew!
POWDER: [pulls out a folder] Unfortunately, the members voted Clyde in the bottom five of the list! That's why we had to manipulate the votes, forge a new list, and... hide the real one! [she chuckles maliciously]
WENDY: So that you all could justify dating Clyde and get shoes?! How dare you take advantage of your position! I'm gonna tell Bebe and have you both disbarred from the list committee!
ESTHER: Bebe?! Who do you think authorized the buyout?!
WENDY: [stunned that her best friend had been a part on this] No. Not Bebe.
POWDER: She's dating Clyde now. Nobody loves shoes more than her.
WENDY: I- I can't believe you bastards… I can't believe you'd actually manipulate my best friend like that and take advantage of her love for shoes!
STAN: What's going on?
WENDY: When the other girls find out you ignored their votes, they're gonna-
ESTHER: Do you really think they'll believe you over the heads of the committee?! We'll simply generate a new list! "Biggest Liars"! And put you at the top!
POWDER: Do yourself a favor, Wendy! Just let it go! And keep your little mouth shut!
WENDY: I don't think so! [goes up and kicks Powder in the groin, hard, much to Stan's shock]
POWDER: [doubling over, dropping the folder] AAGH!
WENDY: [grabs the folder and runs away] Stan, run!
STAN: Jesus, dude! [runs out after her. Esther gives chase]
POWDER: [still pained] You'll won't get away with this, you bitch!
[Yamal's house, night. He's playing piano when someone knocks at his door. He goes to answer it]
STAN: [breathlessly] Hey, kid, have you seen Kyle? We've looked everywhere and we have to show him something.
YAMAL: [waits a second or two] He's burning down the school.
WENDY: What?!
YAMAL: He said he gonna burn the school down to the ground.
STAN: Oh my god, we have to go stop him! [he and Wendy run off]
[The night suddenly gets stormy, but it's not cloudy enough to hide the full moon]
KYLE: [on the school roof pouring lighter fluid out] All the cruel jokes and ridicule will finally be over! Are you happy now, God?! YOU made me look like this!
STAN: [he and Wendy reach the roof and run up to him] Kyle! Kyle, don't!
KYLE: Don't try and stop me, Stan! You don't know how it feels to be a deformed monstrosity!
STAN: The list was a forgery, Kyle!
KYLE: Huh?
STAN: It didn't sparkle with all the girls. We have the real list. [a gun is cocked and pops into view, aimed at Wendy]
LIZZY: [she is revealed to be the one holding the gun and a shopping bag, with Bebe trailing behind her] That's about far enough – give me that list, turd burglars!
STAN: Oh my god… not you! Y-you were supposed to be dead!
KYLE: Stan, what is going on?!
STAN: It was about shoes, Kyle. The girls wanted shoes, so they set you up.
LIZZY: Kyle was simple a casualty! To move Clyde meant that Craig has to be moved to number twelve, which moved Jimmy down and moved Jason up!
KYLE: So what number was I?
LIZZY: Well that's for me to know and for you to find out, fudge packer! You know why we did it? That sledding race we had when you butt pirates threw our sled off-course and over a goddamn cliff?! Two months I was in the hospital after being dragged out of that bear cave! Two, fucking, months! You boys think you always have the priority over us!
WENDY: You've compromised everything! Our lists' integrity! And what?! For losing a sledding race from long past?!
LIZZY: That's right! For too long, I've been plotting my revenge on you guys and so I thought it was the right time to strike back by corrupting that list that ranked every boys' looks!
BEBE: Wait a minute! You told me that we were just going for a shopping trip to buy some new shoes from Clyde's dad! I can't believe this! I trusted you as one of our list-keepers and you lied to me! And if you ever try and hurt Wendy, I'll never forgive you!
LIZZY: [she turns to Bebe] Oh shut up! If you think you can try and bail on me like that, well think again! Did you see these shoes Clyde got for you, Bebe?! [pulls out a new pair of shoes] They're incredible!
BEBE: It's not gonna work on me this time, Lizzy; you can't- [becomes distracted] Oh my God, those are amazing.
LIZZY: Right?
BEBE: Hey, is that a lace across the top?
LIZZY: No, it's just a little strap with a flower on top. Just the way you like them.
WENDY: No, Bebe! Don't!
LIZZY: [quickly puts the shoes back in her bag] Ha! You'd think I'd give you those shoes?! How gullible can you possibly be?! I'll give you them after YOU give me that list back, pillow biters!
WENDY: Well it doesn't matter. You took it too far!
LIZZY: If you hadn't gone all Nancy Drew on us, this would have just gone away! [cocks her gun again]
KYLE: She's gonna kill us?
BEBE: What the hell have you got me into?
WENDY: It's too late, Lizzy. I've already made a full report and sent a copy to the police. People will know.
LIZZY: Oh please, you're lying. [sirens approach and she realizes Wendy wasn't lying. Five police cars converge on the school and cops pour out of them]
BEBE: Think again, sis.
OFFICER: [on the bullhorn] Give it up, Lizzy. We know all about it. The list was compromised. Kyle Broflovski is not the ugliest boy in the class. [Wendy takes this opportunity to wrestle the gun away from Lizzy. A gunshot goes off and Wendy is stunned]
BEBE: NO!
STAN: Wendy!
[She steps back and checks herself for bullet wounds, then finds the gun in her left hand. Lizzy looks pained, then she checks herself for bullet wounds. Since they're both uninjured, they look around wondering where the bullet went]
[Kenny's house, night. He and his family are eating breakfast... for dinner. Each of the family members has a bowl of cereal before them. The bullet shoots in through the window, into the back of Kenny's head and out through his forehead. Stuart, his mom, and Kevin jump back in horror as blood splatters on them. They look at each other fearfully]
KENNY: (Aah!) [his head falls into his bowl. A few seconds later, some Pop-Tarts pop out of the toaster]
[The school roof, moments later. Officers are now on the roof and handcuff Lizzy. Bebe is now with Stan, Kyle and Wendy]
LIZZY: Wait, I, I didn't do anything wrong.
OFFICER: You can explain all that downtown. [the cops take her away. Wendy is holding Lizzy's shopping bag]
BEBE: [she comes closer to Wendy and sobs] Oh Wendy, I'm so sorry. I should've know not to trust those- those liars! Mind you, those shoes did look nice. Could you ever forgive me for going through with their plans?
WENDY: Bebe, I do forgive you. We are best friends after all. Here you go. [she gives Bebe the shopping bag and the two hug it out]
STAN: Here, Kyle. [hands the folder to Kyle. Bebe looks inside the bag - she's got herself some free shoes] We've been through a lot, but, you can finally see where you really are on the list. [Kyle holds the folder in his hands, but...]
[The school grounds, minutes later. The folder had already been thrown into a garbage can, burning nicely]
STAN: Are you sure you're okay with this, Kyle?
KYLE: I'm sure. Abe Lincoln was right: I don't wanna find out I'm good-looking and become a total shithead when I grow up.
STAN: …Abe Lincoln?
KYLE: Yeah.
BEBE: Hey guys, uh, listen. I'd just want to… apologize for everything that had happened. I don't think you're ugly at all, Kyle. You do have hot ass after all.
KYLE: Huh?
BEBE: Oh nothing, just forget it.
KYLE: Uh, i- it's fine Bebe. But you know, we kinda feel guilty about Lizzy. I mean while she was a bitch and tried to murder us, I think this whole thing wouldn't have happened if we'd just let you girls have a turn on the sleds in school. We were just selfish, you know and we should've let you guys win.
WENDY: No, Kyle. Lizzy didn't deserve to win. She already got what was coming to her.
KYLE: Well she sure did, I guess. Hey, next time we have a sledding race, we'll let the girls win that time, huh?
BEBE: [laughs] That'd be great, Kyle. Thanks.
WENDY: Stan, it's been really great hanging out with you again. I feel like you've changed somehow. In a really awesome way. [smiles]
STAN: Yeah well, I guess a lot of things... change, don't they? [smiles. As they smile, they look into each other's eyes. Stan begins to get queasy] Bwaaaagh! Bwaaaagh! [throws up on her twice, and she just takes it as she used to do in third grade]
[end of story]