Chapter 3: A Funeral

Chandler sat at the kitchen table in Apartment 20 several weeks later, bringing a coffee mug to his lips. The stuff tasted terrible, likely because it was homebrewed – he hadn't the strength nor the courage to set foot in Central Perk, and doubted that he ever would again. Too many painful memories. The CD changer was on, music slowly wafting, from a fairly new band that Joey had mentioned on a recommendation. After a once-over listen through, Chandler had found himself coming back to the same song, over and over again, as a form of self-flagellation, the theme sad but with a dash of hope within that he had yet to feel, but hoped someday he could:

I was born the day you kissed me…. and I died inside the night you left me! But I lived, oh, how I lived… while you loved me….

He listened to the shower turning off in the bathroom. Several minutes later, Rachel emerged in a black dress, complete with a veil of mourning. "Do I look all right?" she turned to her friend. Her eyes appeared bloodshot, as if she had been weeping.

Chandler nodded heavily. "Just fine, Rache."

She drifted over to him, placing a comforting hand on his arm. "Oh, sweetie…." To her credit, she recognized her poor choice of endearment instantly, and Chandler flinched slightly under her touch. Sweetie had been her pet name for him; he found himself guarding its usage covetously, though he knew Rachel's heart was in the right place. "I'm so sorry…."

He shrugged. "It's not your fault." She kissed his temple; he allowed. "Shall I go check and see if the twins are awake?"

"Please." Listening to her heels clacking across the hardwood, he lifted his head: "Rachel." She turned back. Chandler gave his best attempt at a smile. "You're going to be a great auntie, you know."

She smiled weakly at him, before slipping softly into the nursery.

The CD song changed, this time to another sad love ballad:

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago…. hoping I would find true love, along the broken road… but I got lost a time or two; wiped my brow and kept pushing through. I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you…. Every long lost dream led me to where you are. Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars, pointing me on my way into your loving arms. This much I know is true…. That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you….

Chandler sighed and tasted his coffee again. He felt the tears coming with a vengeance, and he let the fall, sobbing quietly. He wrestled the sounds of grief down mightily, lest he frighten his children or even Rachel. Hearing the door open, he quickly wiped at his eyes and reached to turn off the CD player, but the latter motion was too late.

"You're listening to the CD I got you!" Joey grinned, the expression shaky, as he and Ross wandered in in their suits. "Aren't they great?"

Chandler nodded. "A little too great, if that's possible." Joey nodded, understanding instantly.

Ross rounded the small bookshelf and placed the hand that wasn't holding Emma on his brother-in-law's shoulder. "Phoebe is on her way. Mom and Dad should be here any minute." Chandler nodded heavily.

Rachel came sweeping into the living area from the nursery. "Baby Bings are all ready!" she trilled, holding a pair of car seats between her as if they were picnic baskets.

"Thank you," Chandler accepted the one carrying his daughter from her gratefully.

Moments later, Jack and Judy arrived. Monica's father immediately made a beeline for his son-in-law, drawing an envelope from the lapel of his suit coat.

"I haven't been sure when the right time was, and if this isn't…. well, you can kill me later," he smirked tragically, handing the envelope to Chandler. "This is for you."

Chandler took one look at the envelope and instantly recognized his late wife's handwriting. Against his better judgment, he started to tear it open.

"She gave this to me a couple of months ago, and made me promise to pass it on to you if…. if anything happened."

Phoebe wandered in just in time to hear this and flitted over. Rachel had a hand to her mouth.

With shaking fingers, Chandler opened the letter. Skimming the salutation was all it took for his eyes to scrunch up against the onslaught of tears and he bowed his head, weeping.

"What does it say?" Joey finally yelped once the silence was too much to bear, whining after Ross punched him on the arm.

Chandler fought to get his voice back to an even keel before he began to read aloud:

"My…. my dear, sweet love…."

Rachel nearly stuck her fist up her own mouth to hold in the wracking sobs.

"My prince, my soulmate, my husband…. my friend…. My Dearest Chandler… I thought we would have forever together…. yet I am beginning to fear that forever will not be as long as we hoped. If anything should happen to me or to our babies growing inside me, I want you to promise me that you will go on. For me to be at peace, I need for you to be happy. If that happiness eventually comes in the form of someone else…." (He instantly began shaking his head No. How could she suggest such a thing!) "…. I will support and respect any decision that you make.

When you proposed, you told me how I make you happier than you ever thought you could be, and you vowed to do the same if I would only let you. I am so glad I let you. Chandler, my Chandler, you've made me so happy. I wake up in our bed and in your arms and I am delirious that such happiness is mine. Happily ever after does exist – but I want you to understand it does not end, even in the face of tragedy or death. Happiness can evolve, even as its contours are tinged with bitterness and grief. If something should happen, I want you to think of me fondly, and smile. I'm terrified of someday not being with you, but I am equally terrified that you would never be happy without me. I love you too much to want you to declare yourself chaste out of loyalty or fidelity to me. You've been the most faithful husband ever, the most loving, the most…. There are too many and yet never enough words to describe what you are to me.

It was you, long before my heart realized it. It has always been you.

Kiss our babies for me. You'll be the most amazing dad.

All my Love, forever,

Monica"

By the end, everyone was a mess. Ross was staggering about looking for a hanky, desperate to pass them around.

"She…. she knew!" Everyone's gaze snapped to Phoebe, who looked deeply shaken. "She foresaw her own death."

And even though Chandler had always held a healthy degree of skepticism when it came to Phoebe's odd beliefs, now he shrugged. "Maybe, Pheebs." He glanced up at Jack, nodding gratefully as he tucked the letter safely away in his suit jacket. "You have to know there are some wishes of hers in there I cannot honor." Finding someone after her? Never!

Jack nodded in understanding. "You feel that way now…. but perhaps later…" Chandler was already shaking his head. He rose and glanced at all assembled.

"Shall we?"

Rachel whimpered and nodded. The group trudged out of the apartment.

As if sensing how one so perfect had once dared to live beneath them, the skies made known their grief over the funeral plot in upstate New York. Huddled under umbrellas, Chandler's eyes made a sweep of those assembled.

Most of Monica's colleagues at the restaurant were in attendance. His mother, Nora, came right up to him and crushed him in her embrace, crying onto his shoulder. His father, Charles, was absent, though he had forwarded his son a nice sympathy card and a bouquet of flowers several days after Monica's death.

Knowing Chandler would be in no position to deliver a eulogy on behalf of his wife, Jack gave a moving address on behalf of his only daughter. Joey attempted to say a few words, then broke down halfway through, leaving Ross to take over. Rachel and Phoebe fought through their own address together, both of them in tears and damn near wailing by the end.

Before Monica's casket was lowered into the ground, Chandler walked to the casket and pressed a goodbye kiss upon it. He watched, morose and empty, as his beloved was lowered into the ground.

The service broke up. Chandler spotted Pete Becker, an old boyfriend of his wife's, at a distance, looking untethered. Richard Burke was the one who actually had the balls to approach Chandler and shake his hand. There were tears in the older man's eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Chandler…"

Chandler nodded, studying his rival who in some ways he felt still outclassed him. "I'm sorry she never got her dream…."

Richard tilted his head and studied him curiously. "….. She did, son. It was you."

Chandler glanced up in shock. Richard smiled sadly, but there was no animosity or jealousy there. He had ceded the field long ago, and now seemed to be letting Chandler know that there could have been no other course. Monica would never have chosen him over her beloved Chandler.

Chandler grinned weakly and nodded to Richard.

Jack now took his son-in-law aside and handed him what appeared to be a flyer. "There's a listing for a place in Westchester County. You could get out of that apartment, if that's what you wanted, and be closer to us along with the babies."

Chandler thought about it. He felt torn over what should be done about Apartment 20. On the one hand, it had been torture to live there without his love these several weeks, but on the other, there were reminders of her everywhere he looked. The moments between wanting to hold tight to those reminders or throw them away with both hands tended to see-saw violently.

On impulse, Chandler agreed. He, Joey, Ross and Jack left the service and went straight to the listed property. Stepping into the place, Chandler was overcome by a notion that his wife would have made an offer on this place instantly. They had discussed their goal of eventually moving out of the city after the babies were born, though their friends had had no knowledge of this.

"Make the offer," Chandler ordered Jack. Joey and Ross both looked shocked. But the data analyst's mind was made up. This is where he would spend his exile. Here is where he would live – or, more accurately, wait to die. Here is where he would raise his and Monica's children.

Alone.