Biographyklok
It was time for another one of their annoying band meetings, the band members sat around the table as Charles headed the table, he was dressed in his usual suit to make himself look presentable while the bandmates wore their usual casual clothes.
Charles looked over the papers in front of him "Gentlemen, we have a new task a hand"
"Oh Great what's ist this time? Signing autographs for stupid crying babies?" Murderface groaned
"No Murderface. We have been approached by a publishing company. They want you to write biographies".
"You want us to what?" Nathan asked confused unamused.
"Writes a biologyies books?" Toki continued, confused "likes a textsboks?"
"No a biography Toki" Charles corrected.
"What's ams dat?" Toki asked, he doesn't remember coming across that particular English word before.
"It's like ams a books where yous brags abouts all the hot sluts yous sleep with, cause yous are, you knows, famous" Swisgaar filled in.
"It's like dat show 'Where are they now now?' but in book form" Pickles filled it.
"Dat sounds ams borings, who's wants to reads anymores" Swisgaar replied fiddling with his guitar unamused.
"I mean ift the fans, want'd read about my't life who am I to deny them" Murderface tried to reason with the rest of the band.
"Dood who'd want to read about your life?" Pickles sneered.
"only everyone! Face it I am a very interestin' person" Murderface stated a Matter-of-factly.
"Whys not we have ams contests, who's books sells best wins" Swisgaar suggested.
"oh dood, the douchebag who looses totally has to do one of those stupoid jackoff book signings" Pickles added in it, finding the concept hilarious.
"Fine, we'll write these damn biographies. But only if they're the most brutal, mind-blowing biographies the world has ever seen!" Nathan confirmed
"So your all on board then? Good" Charles handed out a few slips of paper on how to write biographies not that any of them were going to read them. "I expect drafts soon so they can be looked over by our editors before they get sent off to the publishers.
"Gentleman it seems we have been hit with the most peculiar situation, one that threatens to shake the very foundation of society." Senator Stampingston addressed the tribunal as the screens behind him turned to imagines of book with a question mark on it's cover. "It appears Dethklok has been approached by a publishing company to write… biographies."
"I don't like the look of this, this could radicalise their fans." General Crozier spoke up.
"here to explain more on the impact of these biographies is Someone who can provide us with insights into the gravity of the written word and the potential consequences of allowing Dethklok to pen their own life stories. Is expert on celebrity biographies Dr. ojinfibblegif gienano?, Dr. ojinfibblegif gienano?"
"I'm here today to shed light on the importance of biographies in our cultural tapestry. Biographies are not mere accounts of lives lived; they are windows into the human experience, records of triumphs, tragedies, and the intricate complexities of the human soul. When written with integrity and purpose, biographies inspire generations, offering invaluable lessons in empathy, resilience, and the power of the human spirit. However, it is essential to approach this art form with the utmost sincerity. The responsibility of documenting one's life should not be taken lightly.
It requires a dedication to truth, a commitment to nuance, and an understanding of the impact one's words can have on society. In allowing Dethklok, a band known for their destructive tendencies, to write their own biographies, we could see a change in the public's perception of Dethklok and morals." Dr. ojinfibblegif gienano explained to the small group of people.
"we cannot let these men glorify their destructive behaviour through the written word. Allowing them to write biographies would be a grave mistake." General Crozier argued
"No, we will see how this chapter will end" Mr. Salacia stated.
The band members of Dethklok sat around the table, their faces a mixture of confusion and frustration as they grappled with the idea of writing their own biographies.
"This ams total dildos" Toki complained "what's am I even supposes to be writtings 'bout?"
"Yous ams life, ya stupids dildos" Swisgaar mocked him.
"ya know stupid borin' crap like your childhood" Pickles explained writing down how much he fuckin hated his family and that his dad was the one that belonged in garbage can.
"Why's thems wants to knows that?" Toki asked more confused than before.
"Something about being relatable to regular jackoffs" Nathan filled in.
"We ams the greatest metal bands in de worlds whats relatables abouts dat?" Swisgaar groaned.
Nathan, the imposing frontman, stared at a blank page before him. "This is total crap. What am I supposed to write about? My love for death metal and my hatred for... well, everything?"
Skwisgaar strummed his guitar absentmindedly, a look of annoyance on his face. "Dis is a vaste of time. Who vants to read about my childhood in Sweden? Boring!"
Toki scratched his head. "Yeah, and vhat's dis 'relatakiples' stuff dey talk about? I don't get it."
Murderface, the perpetually disgruntled bassist, slammed his fist on the table. "Heh, looks like I 'ave this contest in the bag" he had somehow managed to fill several pages with his 'heroics'.
Pickles, the drummer with a penchant for sarcasm, chimed in. "Well, Murderface, maybe your book could be titled 'The Diary of a Whiny Bassist.' Has a nice ring to it."
"And yours can be called 'pickles, the washed up looser'" Murderface retorted.
"Oh ya do not want me to come 'ver der ya douchebag!" the red head held up a pen "I will shove dis so far up your arse, you will shit out yer dick" He threaten.
"Guys will you shut up for 5 minutes? Trying to write this crap!" Nathan shouted at them like an angry father.
After weeks of working on the drafts they handed them back to Charles, the first thing he noticed with the drafts was how short they were, defiantly not a biography worth of content in there. "Thank you, everyone I will pass you your books back once the editors and ghost writers have looked them over, I want you to have final say before they are published."
"Ghost writers? Please don't's tell mes mine dads will see its!" Toki shouted with a panic, knowing the full extent of what he wrote.
"No you stupids dildos Ghosts writers means, guys who's wrotes your books for yous but you gets the credits" Swigaar filled in.
"Ooohs" Toki was glad to hear it.
"Ja yous idiot" Swigaar felt like hitting the younger guitarist sometimes.
"Uh Toki, I can't help but realise you wrote your whole biography in Norwegian" Charles piped up, it was the notable along with the really depressing child-like doodles that you would expect a psychiatrist to evaluate, next to fun things like clowns and rainbows.
"I cans barelys reads Englishs and yous wanted mes to write in its?" Toki asked annoyed.
"yous beens in Americas for years Toki, how cans yous not writes it?" Swisgaar scolded him.
"I knows your writings hads tons of spelling errors!" Toki growled back to him.
"I have Dyslexia you knows that!" Swisgaar defended.
Weeks later when Charles brought them back into the meeting room, he looked tired as he pinched the bridge of his nose "Sorry it took so long to get back to you, the writers had a lot of trouble deciphering what was written" He placed the booklets down at each bandmates desk "And they have also left me with some feedback for each of you"
"Dood what'a talkin 'bout?" Pickles asked confused.
"Your Biographies" Charles clarified but the band just stared at him blankly. "Remember I got you to write your biographies a few weeks ago".
"Not really" Nathan replied "Oh wait yeah now I remember, we still doing that?"
"Yes Nathan, Now as for the feedback" He looked at the notes for the first one. "Nathan, they found your biography a bit too graphic, one of the writers visibly vomited. Take chapter 3 for example where you went into explicit detail of the corpse you found in the local park as a kid"
Nathan smiled with a slight laugh "Yeah that was fuckin brutal" he angrily slammed the table "You better not fuckin cut that part out!"
"Yeah that is th quality content todays readers are missing." Murderface agreed.
"I just think you could focus a little more on yourself and the band, I couldn't help but notice in the early career section that you never mention Magnus." Charles continued.
"The fucker stabbed me, no way am I putting him in my book" Nathan growled like a petty child.
"Who is Magnus?" Toki asked confused.
"Don't worry about it" Nathan waved it off.
"Right" Charles looked over the next booklets notes "Swisgaar we would legally have to sell your book as pornography if we were to publish this as of now. One of the chapters is just listing your favourite sexual positions".
"Spoliers it is all ofs thems" Swigaar laughed.
"You don't really have a lot about your childhood in the story, surely you would have some interesting insight into what it was like to be the son of Miss Sweden of 1956"
"pth, who wants to hears abouts that oldes hags" the blond groaned.
"Murderface, the editor, found yours to be extremely egotistical and written like an online dating profile. They also would like to remind you that a Biography is about real stories not fictional ones"
"Dat's fuckin bullshsit" Murderface shouted "All of dats actushually 'appened"
"You saving a puppy from a burning building and the owner giving you fellatio is a real story?" Charles asked and raised an eyebrow.
"Dood you're such a fuckin liar" Pickles laughed.
"You guys are ust Jeloush" Murderface asserted defensively.
"Pickles, you might want to tone down your hatred for family a bit." Charles said looking at the next notes.
"Why would I do dat?" Pickles asked annoyed.
"Well it could be grounds for a defamation lawsuit and don't forget Seth works for us"
"fine whateva dood"
"And maybe don't glorify illegal drugs and alcohol, this book could be admissible in court"
"But dood, drugs are fuckin awesome! This isn't a book for narcs"
Charles looked at the last notes "Now Toki… the editor generally felt concerned about you."
"Why ams dat?" the brown haired one asked innocently.
"Well you talked about having a happy childhood but then went into detail about your parents beating you, chaining you up and punishing you by locking you in a cold dark hole."
"I cant's complains, I only runs away cause they didn'ts wants me playing guitars"
"Then you detailed your homeless saga where you talked about taking up a job as a stripper to get by"
Toki blushed and looked away while his bandmates laughed "Ha that ams pretty gay" Swigaar laughed hysterically.
"Its more gays to starves" he pouted crossing his arms crossly "you guys didn't haves problems with its when we was brokes"
"Is that how ya got the money dood?" Pickles reacted "I thought you were like selling guitar lessons or some of your model kits. That's fuckin gross doods" after realising how ungrateful he was he redacted his statement "But dood, seriously thanks, we did need the money".
"Yes well, as you can all see the version in front of you has been greatly edited for you to go over before we go to print, now would be the time to read through it and submit feedback and changes and add more to it" Charles explained.
"ja I'ms nots readings dis, I don'ts care anymores" Swigaar confessed. "Can'ts dem Ghost writers just makes the changes the publishers wants, not likes it matters"
"You guys are not interested in having final say? I'd like to remind you this is a book about yourselves". Charles tried to empathize the importance of it.
"Ya dood, I had about all the writin and readin I can stomach, dis is a band not a book assignment, had enough of dat crap in school" Pickles said boredly as he flicked through all the pages serval times causing a cool breeze to flow from the pages.
"Well if you are sure?" Charles asked to which the boys all gave a yes "Then I suppose we will get the writers to finish this without you" he cleared his throat "Do you at least want to name your books?"
"Looks like Dethklok is making waves once again. Get ready to unleash the metal madness, because the long-awaited moment is finally here! Dethklok, the world's most brutal and destructive metal band, has just released their jaw-dropping biographies, and the world is not ready!" The presenter explained.
"Nathan Explosion, Skwisgaar Skwigelf, Toki Wartooth, William Murderface, and Pickles the Drummer have poured their souls and gallons of blood, probably into these epic tomes! Check out these dedicated fans, folks! They're ready to grab their copies and dive headfirst into the twisted minds of our metal heroes!" the screen next to him shows massive lines outside of bookstores, starving from waiting so long in the line. "So far 256 people have died in anticipation of these books coming out. Now that's the Dethklok minute".
The TV they were watching had faded out and the boys sat in the hot tub "Check it out I brought one of those counter things to find out who won the bet" Natan explained pointing out to a large graph that had their names and the number of sales.
"Wowie!" Toki reacted as the number of books sold skyrocketed.
"Mine must be broken" Murderface sneered as his numbers stayed woefully low. Nathans seems to skyrocket to the top, followed closely by Swigaars and pickles, Toki had less but not as low as shockingly low as Murderface.
The numbers fluctuate between who was first but never who was last.
"This is bullshist I demand a recount!" Murderface demanded "no way am I going to some bullshist bookxs signing"
"Actually the Publisher expects you all to sign the books, as it would help further the marketing campaign:" Charles explained looking at the graph
"Agh, way to ruin the mood" Nathan groaned.