Chapter 1

There was a certain magic to LA at midnight. There was equal parts mischief and calm. The wind was still and the heat was somehow cool. And Kendall made the streets of Venice his escape at these loneliest hours.

Just two months ago after touring their third album, Big Time Rush had made this beach town their home and left the Palm Woods for good this time. Kelly had arranged a four bedroom house rental in the heart of Venice while they were recording the final record in their contract. From there, they had no idea what was next. Would there be another contract or would BTR be done for? This was just one of the problems that plagued Kendall in the middle of the night.

Tonight's issue was James. It took 30 seconds of hearing him go at it with Andrea Hastings, Jame's current model affair, in the next room over to send him into a spiral. He'd immediately grabbed his hoodie, keys, and a pre-rolled joint he saved for nights like this. Two hours later, Kendall was still blocks away from his home, and James was probably asleep with her or engaging in pillow talk. Either way, Kendall was haunted by the thought.

Kendall had always been able to tolerate James's romantic and sexual relationships from afar. Back in 2J everything had to be away from the apartment or very secretive due to parental supervision. Kendall's mom and sister had their own condo in Santa Monica. The boys were adults now, all with free reign. Naturally, this was bound to happen.

The first time James brought a girl over, Kendall had heard far more. Trying to drown it out with action movies, music. After ten minutes of grunting and screaming he ran out to the street.

And threw up.

Kendall shuddered at the memory of it. Tried to fight off the mental images and failed. It would be at least six more months of putting together an album. Two months of promo. Three months of touring. After that, he could go out on his own and no longer have to be tortured by having to watch his crush of a decade not reciprocating his feelings. He could leave the band for good and move on with his life.

Buzz. Buzz.

It was a text from James.

WYA

Kendall typed: went for a walk. Omw back.

He sent and sighed. In ten minutes he'd be back at the house struggling to sleep knowing what had happened. Nauseous with jealousy and lying in bed till his mind reeled him to sleep.

Buzz. Buzz.

James: Just making sure you're ok. Going to bed.

James: Coffee tomorrow?

Kendall: Sure

James: Great. 8 o'clock

Kendall didn't want to face James one on one at the moment. But he knew he would be excited first thing in the morning and he couldn't resist a morning coffee run.

Kendall had woken up at 7, Gotten to his morning routine and picked out his outfit. To his surprise, James was ready on time (his vanity having eased up over the years). To his delight, Andrea hadn't stayed over. She was as friendly as the next girl, but an object of his jealousies nonetheless. James wore and aviator nation sweatsuit while Kendall donned a cream color patagonia vest and his favorite long sleeve tee. It was early April and the mornings still had a chill to them.

"You ready, buddy?" James asked, a smile gleaming.

"Yeah," Kendall replied. "Blue bottle?"

James chuckled. "Yes. Your favorite."

The friends walked together a cool fifteen minutes from their place to Abbot Kinney Boulevard. The sky was overcast and the air was crisp with the perfume of neighborhood gardens. They strolled over rising sidewalks cracked from the trees that took over. Kendall ordered a hot black coffee and James a Nola cold brew. They decided they'd get breakfast sandwiches from Erewhon, a quick five minute walk.

"So how's everything with Andrea?" Kendall asked, more so out of obligation than genuine interest.

James smirked. "She's cool but I think we're going to stop seeing each other soon."

Kendall's head perked up. "Oh?" He asked taking a sip of his coffee.

"Yeah she's got some jobs coming up in New York and who knows where else. Things are kinda running their course anyway."

"I thought you were really into her."

James paused, seemingly perplexed by the observation. "I guess. I just can't take a relationship seriously right now. These girls have just been a distraction."

"From what?" Kendall asked, genuinely curious.

"This next album, obviously" James asserted, giving Kendall an are-you-seriously-asking-me look. "This record is basically going to decide the fate of all of our careers."

"Right." Kendall understood this. The last album performed well enough. But Griffin and Gustavo firmly noted that it "didn't touch the success" of their second. This next record was make or break for the group. The group meant everything for…most of the boys. "It's gonna be ok, Jamie."

"I just don't know how you've been so chill about this." James rolled his eyes. And then flashed a look of confusion. "Did you just call me 'Jamie'?"

Kendall felt his cheeks warm with a flush of embarrassment. He hadn't called him Jamie since they were in middle school. A nickname he had workshopped a few times when it was just the two of them and quickly dropped when he knew it was too much.

"Yeah…" Kendall replied with hesitation. "I don't know why."

"Hadn't heard that in a while." James gave the slightest smile, and Kendall felt the familiar warmth of desire for the tan boy beside him. Of course he was beautiful and charming, but once you really got to know him, he had this way of making you feel seen. He wasn't worried about James noticing. After many years of pining he knew all too well how to hide it.

"Kendall, you can say how you feel," James asserted. For a moment Kendall thought he was caught. "You don't always have to be the strong, confident one."

Kendall hid his relief. At the same time he was unsure where that came from. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You've been up all night since we've moved here. That's not like you to just leave out of nowhere in the middle of the night and not say anything. I feel like a bad friend for not saying anything sooner."

Kendall paused to look up slightly at James. He felt touched if not giddy that James displayed this kind of care and awareness towards him. The past couple of months he truly thought no one knew what he did in the wee hours of the night.

"It's more than just that." Kendall assured the dark-haired boy. He meant to add on to the statement, but wasn't going to say that hearing the man of your dreams Fuck someone else is traumatizing.

"Like what? You know you can tell me anything."

It was a genuine affirmation that James had made, but Kendall wasn't just giving in. Suddenly a toned arm was around his shoulders. Kendall stiffened ever so slightly, but eased up. His handsome friend and band member grinned at him in a way that made him feel both comforted and weak. The same way he had been doing for years.

"Thanks, Jamie," Kendall said just as they came to the bougie grocery store and cafe. Finally, a distraction from the pining.

The rest of the morning was spent downplaying his feelings of the contract nearly being up. Suggesting he would be happy either way and if it ran its course, the boy would be fine. Completely leaving out that he had more than half a mind not to sign another if the offer arises. He wasn't ready for that conversation.

By now, the remaining members were getting ready for studio time at Roque Records and they figured they'd head back to the house.

"I still wanna know what it is you're doing in the middle of the night," said James. "You found yourself some chick you don't want us to know about."

Kendall laughed. "Meet me at midnight and find out."

James just nodded his head. Knowing the invitation was more open than direct. But more importantly, that was where the conversation would end.