If you read the 101 collection, start on chapter 4 :)
Her fingers rubbed over the surface of the compass laying against her chest. He'd been gone for two weeks. In the past they'd gone months without talking, hell, they'd made it an entire decade without a word, but right now two weeks felt like an eternity.
She continued to toy with the delicate compass while watching her ceiling fan whir above her. Insomnia had been part of her life for…forever. Sometimes she couldn't get her mind to slow. Normally a challenging case kept her awake, but lately it had been thoughts of him.
The thing was, they really couldn't move forward unless he was present…and he wasn't. There were so many things share. Too much to share. Ten years worth of things. Good and bad.
And what about him? What happened to him in those ten years? She couldn't imagine it all was sunshine and giggles. That wasn't who he was. Like her, he was damaged goods, limping along, healed, but never completely whole.
And maybe that was why they were always drawn to one another. They'd suffered. They'd hurt. Sometimes they hurt each other. But there was something about being with someone who knew what real suffering was, someone who understood the dark things no one else could comprehend.
She had an idea growing in the back of her mind, but she wasn't sure if it was plausible or even smart. She didn't want to be a distraction while he worked, but she didn't want to lose the ground they'd gained. She wasn't sure he would like the idea, and she wasn't sure she had the emotional fortitude to follow through. But the idea kept picking at her, and it was becoming all she could think about.
She made a choice. She was going to rip the bandaid off. Who knew how long his case would take and she couldn't stay frozen. They needed to try.
Without thinking too hard she called him. She glanced at the clock. It was late, but not excessively so. He answered on the first ring.
"Hey," she could hear the smile in his voice and it warmed her all the way to her toes.
"Hey," she returned simply
There was a moment when neither of them knew what to say, but she was the one who called and should be the one talking.
"Is it okay that I'm calling?" They hadn't talked about the parameters of his assignment or how much outside communication might be allowed.
"Yeah. My late evenings are usually pretty open. Sarge didn't really give specific instructions about outside contact so…"
"Better to ask for forgiveness than permission?" She guessed.
He chuckled, "Exactly."
"Pretty sure that's how you live your entire life…" she teased.
That earned a full laugh, "You aren't wrong." He fell silent, but then asked, "How's your ass?"
She could almost see that same face he'd given her at the urgent care. The one where he was amused, but trying not to be amused, but he couldn't contain the smirking smile threatening the corners of his lips.
"My hip is better. I'm happy to report…I can finally sit in an office chair."
"I feel like we should have some sort of party," he teased.
"I'll run it past Fin. What kind of balloons do you get for a "Congrats on your ass feeling better" party?" She loved this. The easy conversation about nothing. It felt good. It felt normal.
"I'm less worried about the balloons, and more worried about the banner…seems like it would be difficult to find a print shop that would want to do that one…"
She couldn't help the laugh that tumbled from her lips. "Part of me wants to find out if anyone would actually do it…"
"Oh God, please do it. Then you have to tell me if you find a shop. I'd pay for a sign to hang in the precinct."
"I'll put Fin on it," she teased.
Their laughter died down, and she knew she'd eventually need to get to the point of her call, but apprehension stole voice. Once the idea left her lips she would be committed to the idea, and that scared her.
His voice softened, and her heart pounded wildly. He rarely spoke softly, but when he did it was always with people he loved. "Why are you really calling Liv?"
She sucked in a nervous breath. No going back. She could do this. She needed to do this. "I want to try something," she started, "and if you think it's dumb you can just tell me and we can forget about it."
"I doubt it's dumb," he tried to reassure her.
"Well you haven't heard the idea yet, so you might want to hold your judgment," she chuckled nervously.
"Go ahead," he urged.
Her heart pounded, and she wondered why she was so nervous. It wasn't an unreasonable thing. It was an opportunity, and they'd be stupid to ignore it.
"I want a weekly phone call," she blurted.
"You were making me nervous. That's all? You want to talk once a week?" His voice was warm and soothing, and it gave her courage to add to her request.
"Not just that," she swallowed nervously. "I want to talk about," God, why was it so hard to spit out? Her voice dropped, "Ten years…" she breathed the words out, and she knew he probably needed more clarification than that. "We missed a decade El. Ten years. And as much as we want to forget, the truth is, a lot of shit happened to both of us that we don't know anything about." She paused to gather her thoughts. "I want this to work, but it's not going to work if we don't take time to understand what happened during that missing ten years."
She nervously waited for his response. Maybe this was too much. Maybe she'd made assumptions about feelings he didn't actually have. If he didn't respond soon she was going to hang up the phone and pretend this awkward phone call never happened. They seemed to be good at ignoring one another after awkward incidents.
"I'd love that Liv," she wondered if his prolonged pause was due to the emotions so clearly on display from the sound of his voice. "I want to know you again."
She wanted that too. The connection between them had always been there, but for them to finally make things work they needed to build back the trust and intimacy they once shared. They could no longer subsist on connection. It had to be more.
"When do you want to start this whole thing?" He asked.
"Next week. I doubt either of us can jump right into this now." It was going to take her at least a week to build up enough courage to share basically anything that happened in his absence.
"Agreed," he chuckled and it held a nervous quality.
"No holding back." She said it for her sake as much as his. There were things she wanted to sugarcoat and glide past, and she needed to eliminate that crutch. If they were doing this, they both needed to be all in.
"Think you can handle that?" There was a sense of levity in his voice as he tried to lighten what had turned into a painfully serious conversation. But she knew him. He was nervous.
"I can handle anything you dish out." She felt confident about that. She was much more worried about what truths he could handle.
He laughed at her confidence, and the whole interaction felt so…them. It gave her a glimmer of hope that maybe they could survive what was to come.
They sat in silence, neither wanted to hang up but she said what she called to say. When he broke the silence, she wanted to smack him through the phone.
"So," she recognized the sly, mischievous tone in his voice. "You worn my necklace yet?"
Idiot. Of course he would attach some kind of ownership of it, and by extension her. She actually didn't mind. God knew she was already his anyway. But there was that independent, stubborn part of her that couldn't allow him the satisfaction.
"Oh, MY necklace," she emphasized. "I wore it on a date a few days ago," she kept her voice completely casual. He'd know it wasn't true, but there would be a small part of him that would worry it might be.
"Is that so?" There it was, the cockiness with a slight undercurrent of insecurity.
"Yep," she said simply.
"I'm willing to bet that you never take it off." His smirk traveled through the phone connection.
She rolled her eyes. He was such an ass. Unfortunately, she loved the cocky son-of-a-bitch…
It annoyed her that he was right. She always wore it. It grounded her. It kept her from flailing around, searching for a stable mooring. He was her safe harbor, and the necklace anchored her. But he didn't need to know all that.
"Guess you are just going to have to wait to find out…" Let him sit on that for a week. She'd let him wonder. It would make him crazy and she knew it. Before he had a chance to say anything else she cut off the conversation. "It's getting late…I have work…"
"Yeah, of course."
"Next week?" She felt like she was confirming a long awaited date. She realized she kind of was.
"Next week," he confirmed.
Just as she was about to hang up he added, "I'm glad you called Liv."
"Me too," she agreed and then she hit the red button to end the call.