Chapter 2
(Athos)
"The moment I find something else I will leave the Queen's service."
It was a blatant lie. He knew it. And he also knew that Sylvie didn't know.
Athos would not leave his new work as a spy anytime soon, even if he was convinced that spying was dishonorable, it was the only thing that could lead him back to the edge, the only place where he felt alive. Danger - it had become an irreplaceable part of his life ever since he joined the Musketeers, and even more so during the war.
Perhaps he was being a hypocrite, considering everything he had said and thought about spies in the last few years, particularly his wife. But it was the only option he had that would allow him to remain out of his friends' sights while also doing something he was truly good at.
When his wife first proposed the idea to work for the Queen he was less than impressed, but the longer he thought about it the better the idea seemed.
And if being a hypocrite wasn't enough, he was also a liar. And for the first time he openly admitted it to himself. Milady had been right.
I will not be away often.
He knew he would. He knew the thrill of being close to death would attract him more than wine ever could. Athos loved fighting, and he loved fighting for France.
It pays well.
He had said that as though it mattered. The only thing that actually mattered to him was that Sylvie would stop asking him about how much he had saved. Because that would require him to reveal parts of his past, the past that he has no desire to remember.
And before that, he promised her he would try to find work in Maintenon… Another lie. A promise he had no intent of keeping.
Now he had to work for the Queen, something he unfortunately couldn't bring himself to regret. Because apparently honourless work was better than telling Sylvie the truth.
"It was easier", a voice in his head whispered, sounding a lot like Milady.
But even Sylvie's tears weren't enough to convince him he was making a mistake.
Sylvie rushed out of the room before he could tell her more lies, and he rushed out of the house, heading to the only place where he could get some semblance of solace.
The church.
He didn't bother taking Roger, leaving the horse to rest, and allowing himself more time to think about what he had done and what he was about to do.
Every person he walked past, no matter who, refused to meet his gaze, preferring to stare at the ground, and he in return did the same. Sylvie had told him he scared them, and he didn't know what to think. Didn't know what to do. He had never been sociable due to his upbringing, but this seemed like a new low.
It had been convenient when he was a Musketeer. People respected his authority, and if they feared him it often made his duty to protect the King easier. But now it seemed like a curse.
The church was built similarly to the one in Pinon, but was lacking in the interior. If he still believed in God's existence he would have been offended on his behalf. But he was here for Father Eugene, not God. The pastor was the closest thing he had to a friend - someone who would listen to whatever was on his mind and offer no judgement, for he made it clear that he is not there to beg for absolution.
Athos sits in the last row, and takes off his hat, knowing the pastor noticed him. Keeping his eyes low, hidden behind the hair that falls in his face, he waits for Father Eugene to walk up to him.
The man sits beside him keeping his eyes forward.
"Five visits in one month. That is three more than usual."
Athos lifts his eyes and stares at the altar ahead of him.
"I thought this church was open for everyone."
The pastor smirks quietly.
"Everyone except Huguenots."
Athos turns his head towards the man and raises an eyebrow, his own mouth spreading into a smile before turning back to face the altar.
Father Eugene just leans back and lets out a heavy breath.
"I suppose your trip out of town has something to do with your visit."
Athos finds himself nodding.
"Not the trip as much as Sylvie."
He then also leans back and relaxes.
"She asks questions that I cannot answer. She thinks I am someone who I can never be."
The pastor hummed quietly and looked at Athos.
"So you lie?"
Athos clenches his jaw and thinks about it.
"Yes, but not as much as I just keep quiet."
He knew he couldn't keep his past away forever. It would come back to haunt him again sooner or later like it always does, but it was nice to pretend he could forget and bury it. But as long as he and Milady lived, their past would also live.
"I just wish she didn't ask me those questions."
The pastor smiled sadly.
"If you shared willingly she wouldn't feel the need to ask so many questions."
Athos shook his head.
"I believe she would ask even more."
He was sure of it. If he revealed he is the Compte de la Fere, she would ask him what happened, and how he ended up amongst the Musketeers. If he told her about his wife, he would also have to tell her that she is alive, and Sylvie would ask where she is and who she is. And along with his title and his wife would come up his dead brother, the hanging he organized for his wife, and the fact that he spent the majority of the past ten years drowning himself in wine.
Sylvie knew him as kind, witty, dutiful, and caring. But really he was cruel, jealous, violent, and cowardly. She did not need to know who he had been before the war if she wanted any sort of life with him. He could never forget his past if people kept digging it up.
"Then you should explain that to her. That you don't want to talk about your past."
Athos is so lost in his thoughts he almost misses what the pastor said.
"I thought I'd already made it clear. But she is curious. She doesn't understand why I hide it."
Father Eugene sighs and stands up. He turns towards Athos and places a hand on his shoulder.
"This is something you have to figure out yourself."
Athos lets his eyes fall down.
"I know."
The pastor pats him on the shoulder and leaves.
And Athos continues sitting. Running a hand through his hair he considers his options.
He could tell Sylvie the truth. Or he could continue keeping his secrets.
He chooses the second option.
He is a coward.
But he doesn't care, because he is only a coward until it comes to a battle. In a battle he knows what to do. In a battle he doesn't have to speak. He doesn't have to remember. He can forget. He can be Athos. A swordsman. A warrior. And that is all he wants.
He grabs his hat and walks back to the home he shares with Sylvie.
She welcomes him with a kiss and a smile, and he pretends he doesn't notice the redness around her eyes.