She's not going to reply.
She's had a sleepless night to think about it.
She'll keep the book, like Rupert said. Their relationship was so much simpler the first time he gave it to her.
Before Eyghon, before Angelus.
Before she realised she was falling in love with him.
It was so much simpler.
"Wind in my hair, the hills are alive."
They'd been on dates and she was ready to take things further. She liked the fluttery feeling in her chest when he offered her his arm or when he looked at her. She'd like to remember that when she misses him too much.
She's not going to reply.
Jenny moves through the packed hallway towards her lab, dodging the football tossed between two jocks. She sends them a look to take it outside because if she opens her mouth, she'll project her frustration onto them. She'd dumped her bag in her room when she first arrived because it was closer to the entrance than the faculty room and there was no need to drag it all the way there just to grab the cup of coffee she desperately needed.
Jenny unlocks the door and sighs at the rows of monitors. Her classes are popular and she's back-to-back today. She welcomes the routine; she won't have time to think. She sips her coffee, wishing it was stronger. She still has just under an hour before her students arrive so heads over to her terminal to start emailing out the lesson material to her first class.
She's scrolling through the rest of her emails, saving the assignments sent in by students so she can mark them later. There are a couple of memos from faculty about mixers which she ignores.
"Good morning, my dear."
Jenny's head pops up when Laura's voice echoes from the back of the lab, entering through the other door. She swallows her grimace with a sip of coffee. She should have anticipated this. She suddenly realises how far off her game she is for thinking Laura would let her off the hook after yesterday. "Laura," she greets hoping to sound more genial than she feels.
Laura raises an eyebrow and tuts in response. "I rushed all the way to the faculty room this morning, hoping to catch you making your morning coffee only to find out you'd been and gone."
"What can I do for you?" Jenny replies, refusing to volunteer information without Laura asking directly.
"Your mystery sender?!"
Well…
Jenny almost laughs at the indignation in her colleague's expression.
"I'm not going to reply," she announces, leaning back from her desk to sip at her coffee.
"Oh, Jenny," Laura's soft reproach takes Jenny aback. "I thought…"
Jenny looks up to meet the other woman's eyes, looking back at her kindly. "It's complicated."
She hates herself for describing Rupert that way.
Her feelings for Rupert are fairly simple; the outside factors affecting their relationship are complicated. She's spent the night thinking about it and decided at about five in the morning that it would be easier to move forward as they are than rehash their past.
"Jenny, we've been colleagues for almost four years, so please forgive my honesty for a moment," Laura starts. "You know your job inside and out. The students and colleagues adore you. But none of us really know you, none of us know why and we can respect that. I believe I have respected that?"
Laura waits for Jenny's confirming nod before continuing.
"I just…you seemed so lost yesterday, hugging that book to you," Laura observes. "As much as I'd hope to live vicariously through you and an international pen pal, I won't push. I don't know your situation, except it seems to mean a lot to you and I'd like to offer an ear if you want to talk about it."
"What would you do?"
Jenny curses her mouth for working faster than her brain. She isn't replying, she's considering options.
Laura looks surprised by her question. She considers for a moment as she sits on the aisle steps. "You're going to have to give me the cliff notes version."
"You're right, he means a lot to me."
"I knew it," Laura mutters. Jenny narrows her eyes at her colleague, to which Laura actually winks. "Forster, my dear."
"We, uh, I'm not sure," Jenny huffs, awkward and unsure. She drops her eyes to her coffee because she can't bring herself to look at Laura. "We were together."
We were in love.
Rupert never said the sentiment out loud, but Jenny knew he felt the same as she did. She could see it in his eyes shining back at her when they were happy, the adoration when they were together, the pain when her secrets shattered what they shared, only replaced by the angry fear when she was threatened.
"Have you ever been with someone who makes you feel seen in a way that no one else sees you? Not even yourself? When everything around you fades into the background and it's just the two of you?"
However much this hurts, she will carry that part of Rupert with her. She hoped he knew that she saw him, too.
"We both made mistakes," Jenny admits, looking up only to be met with sympathy and understanding. "I spent most of last night thinking about what I would say. It's been so long, I'm not sure what to say."
"What does he want from this?"
"I don't know," Jenny confesses. "He sent me his info for his address in England, actually he said he doesn't expect me to reply."
"You are one to be contrary," Laura quips. She considers Jenny's explanation for a long minute. "If I were you, I'd find out. If only to figure out if you want the same things."
That's part of the problem. Jenny doesn't know if she's strong enough to venture down this again with Rupert for it to end badly. She has no idea how to be his friend if that's all he is looking for.
Later that day, she finds herself in the card aisle at the grocery store on her way home from work. She won't send an email; she prefers the idea of snail mail for once. She won't be tempted to keep clicking refresh on her email to see if he replies. Sending regular mail will ground the situation a little and will give her some breathing space to figure out her feelings while she waits for his response.
That doesn't help with her current problem, though.
She scowls at the minimal selection of stationery. There's this pack of plain, off-white, impersonal sheets of paper or various blank cards with either animals or flowers and neither option appeals to her. She isn't prepared to send him a card, they're not there yet.
She grabs the paper and a pack of envelopes and heads towards the checkout.