Chapter 5. Jigsaw Pieces

When Tur asked him about the spacecraft the day after his arrival, Obi-Wan told him he didn't remember. Now that he stopped to think of it, it was not entirely true. His mind was a scary thing. Back then, the only thing he was pretty sure about was his name. The rest… It wasn't as if he didn't remember at all. It was there as if behind a thick opaque glass which he couldn't reach through. But he felt his own memories on the other side. He felt that something very bad had happened to him - and welcomed the chance to escape. So when the glass shattered into thousands of shards, opening the floodgates of recollections, relentless in their torrential onslaught, Obi-Wan was not completely surprised - and still, it was devastating.

He could no longer go back to the Temple. He could not. Not after the whole thing with the Council - he pressed his palms to his eyes, trying to dispel the mortifying memory. He could not go back. That thought alone was tearing him apart into thousands of little shreds. For all that had happened with Rhad, the Temple had become his home. He had gotten used to it and could not imagine his life without. He had made friends - he did not have many, but the very realisation that he would never, never see them again ripped the ground from under his feet. It was over. Whatever life he had built, with all his habits, and hopes, and dreams, and plans - all of that had collapsed in one fell swoop like a skyscraper with a blown up foundation. And in this moment, he no longer cared about anything any longer. What he had called existence turned out to be a life, an actual life, and now that he had lost it completely and irretrievably, he did not know if it was worth even breathing anymore.

- Why? - he whispered hoarsely again.

- I'm sorry, - Tur's voice was soft and it felt strangely comforting to actually hear someone's voice, a real voice, not just the voices in his own head. - I had no idea what your repressed memories were. But you had to recover them -

- No, I mean why did you have to save me? You said the spacecraft was burning! I didn't ask you to! I didn't want to survive!

- Alright, I know you are upset right now…

- Why? Why did you have to interfere?

- I think the Force led me to your spacecraft -

- Then why didn't you let your precious Force decide instead of pulling me out?!

- The Force wanted you to survive.

- To Sith with the Force! I didn't ask for it! I didn't want to! I'd better just have been dead already!

- Obi-Wan, please calm down. You need to tell me what happened. I can't help you if I don't know.

- I can't I can't I can't, - it was over, all over, kriffing over and done with, and Obi-Wan could only whisper the same words again and again, covering his face with his hands as if not seeing anything around him could drown out the images flashing before his eyes.

- Listen to me, - Tur said firmly. - I'm not asking out of curiosity. I saw what must have been blocking your memories. It's dangerous.

- I don't care.

- It may be life-threatening.

- Good. I don't care about my life.

- It doesn't matter if you care about it or not. I do. As you said, I got you out of that 'craft. I'd like my efforts not to go to waste. Come on.

Obi-Wan hesitated. He had no real reason to trust the man. He had no need to trust anyone. He was on his own, he'd always been. But the mere act of talking to an actual someone, not to his own voice in his head, helped a little to distract him from the all-consuming agony that was wreaking havoc in his heart. Words came against his own will, stumbling, drawn out, but it brought a weird but welcome detachment, as if he had stepped out of his body and was looking at himself from the opposite wall, a stranger with feelings that could not reach him. Tur did not interrupt. He did not ask questions, and Obi-Wan was somehow certain he would not judge him. Though he did not even care anymore. He was wiped out, and he had said everything there was to say.

-…I think I might have passed out in the 'craft. The rest you already know.

His story was finished. He was finished. Now that he had told Tur everything, it felt like it was truly over, but it was as if it did not hurt anymore. It did not hurt at all if he could just go to sleep under this suffocating weight that had settled all over him - fall asleep and never wake up.

- I do, - Tur sighed. - What I also know is how it feels right now. Believe me, I've been there. And though I'm very far from the best person to give any kind of advice on this, what I can tell you is that you can't give up just yet. Not until you've tried and you've lost for a millionth time.

- There's nothing to try, I can't go back to the Temple -

- I'm not saying if you'll ever be able to return there. All that I'm saying is, there's much more to life than that. And, as cliché as it sounds, you have your whole life ahead of you.

- Well, you said there was something wrong with me anyway…

- We'll talk about that later. Right now, we're going for a walk.

- Are we… digging roots? - Obi-Wan exclaimed incredulously, eyeing a patch with what seemed to be like a cluster of some local vegetables which Tur appeared to consider edible.

- You're talking now. Good, - Tur nodded in satisfaction.

- What do you mean - you said we were…

- Going for a walk. Which means stepping outside. Which, by extension, includes, - Tur's spade sank deep into the orange-coloured ground, - doing something actually useful. Aimlessly walking around won't do you any good. You can pick them up and pile them over there.

- I don't understand…

- No? It's quite simple. Here, get this one. The ground is soft, you can pull them out easy enough.

Obi-Wan felt still at a complete loss but there was nothing else to do, and keeping his hands occupied helped occupy his mind as well. They worked in silence, Tur pointing out occasionally what Obi-Wan was supposed to do. It was all disconcertingly normal. As if nothing had happened. As if Obi-Wan had not lost his memories only to get them all back and finally realise it was all -

- Hey, don't you space out on me. Concentrate on what you're doing, - Tur's voice interrupted his thoughts spiralling out of his reach. - That's better. Great. We'll finish this one.

At last, a small pile of indigo roots rested at their feet.

- That's our future meal, - Tur said, sounding quite pleased with himself. - And now, when you aren't about to have a nervous breakdown, we can have a little chat.

- I'm not…

- I'm just teasing you, - Tur smiled sadly. - I know very well it's too much to deal with for anyone. That's why I brought you here. Distraction is the only way. I learned from experience.

- I… you know, it just was all there at once, and -

- I know. And I don't want to add on top of that pile, but I need to ask you something. Did your master -

- Former master.

- … former master sever the bond?

- Well, I told you…

- No. That's what he said. What do you feel?

- N-nothing? I mean - there was our connection - and - I… I don't know if it's gone.

- What do you mean you don't know? It's either or it isn't.

- I can't feel him. But I feel… I don't know - I don't really but - I… - Obi-Wan shook his head, - I don't know. Honestly. But I can't say there's nothing.

- You still feel something where the bond should have been, - Tur nodded as if confirming some internal thoughts.

- I - maybe?

- Alright, I'm not saying I'm completely sure, but… - Tur stopped, searching for words, - there might be something left. The bond wasn't broken off properly, and judging from what you told me before, I fear that was done on purpose. And if that's true… - Tur pinched the bridge of his nose, - there is a lingering connection with your former master.

- Is that bad?

- Well, it's not the connection itself that worries me. It's just that I've seen it before. Just once. I had no idea how this can be created but it looked exactly like what I saw today in your mind. Even more - I think you're still connected to your former master. I don't know what that means, but on its own, there is a dark remnant in your mind. I called it a dark bond once, the one and only time I had to deal with it. And I have no idea how to get rid of it.

- Well, - sighed Obi-Wan, - I'll never be free of him anyway. It's just one more thing.

- It might be, - Tur mused. - Nobody knows what it really is. Or how it works. It doesn't look like it affects you at the moment. But we need to watch out. I've made the mistake of underestimating it once.

- What happened?

- Nothing good. But - we'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it. After all, - Tur smiled wryly, - that's the upside of being in over your head in trouble. One more drop won't drown the drowning. Come. Those roots aren't going to store themselves.

One more drop, indeed.

Obi-Wan enjoyed the way they had fallen into a pleasant routine. At the Temple, they did not have to do all of these simple things like cooking or cleaning or washing. Their task was to learn and train and memorise endless pages on diplomacy (because that was not learning - that was pure torture). But coming to think of it, Obi-Wan did not really feel like he missed it all that much.

Chores felt surprisingly soothing. It was a miracle how the brain could completely switch off as his hands fell into a relaxing pattern. He had been clumsy at first, but days of practice did not pass without a trace, and he was getting as proficient at this as Tur was. Of course, Tur did not forget about his promise to train him. He said he had no lightsaber, but Obi-Wan was amazed at how challenging fighting on sticks felt. Tur did seem a little rusty at first, but he was surprisingly good at hand-to-hand. And whatever he claimed, he was the best teacher Obi-Wan could ever imagine, - the teen thought, wiping off the dust off a faded grey shelf.

Suddenly, his hand hit something solid at the far end at the back of the shelf. It felt like a metal box, and as Obi-Wan's curiosity got the better of him, he found himself pulling it out and peeking inside. A thick layer of dust covered what looked like a few long-forgotten keepsakes lying in a complete disarray.

The only thing untouched by dust was an old holo. From it, a young Noorian woman was smiling at him, her striking eyes luminous in stripes of gold and green. Involuntarily, Obi-Wan reached out his hand to look at it closer but froze as he felt an unmistakable presence behind his back.

- I - I'm sorry, - he stammered, suddenly feeling uneasy at prying into the man's secrets. - I didn't mean to stick my nose where it doesn't belong.

- It was her last holo, you know, - Tur said sadly. - She took me to the Temple gardens and said she wanted it taken there while she still looked like she was alive. We fought over it. Had the hugest row. I wanted to convince her there would be many more. I was so angry with her talking like that…

- I'm sorry… - faced with another's sorrow, Obi-Wan was at a complete loss of words. Tur did not seem to pay attention, lost in a distant memory.

- She was my wife, you know. Mayte.

- But… I thought the Jedi…

- I know. We kept it secret at first, but then it became clear the Temple could not help her. She needed to be somewhere where they could offer her hope, so we both left. There was no point in hiding anymore.

Tur came up to Obi-Wan, taking the holo out of his hands. For a few long seconds he stared at it, deep in thought, then put it back in the box.

- She… I thought I was the only one who could save her because nobody else believed in what was wrong with her. I… I guess I was too proud and - too sure of myself. Of course, the Council was absolutely useless, and nobody else wanted to get involved.

- What happened? - Obi-Wan ventured quietly.

- A dark bond, - Tur slid down the wall, stretching out his legs in front of him and leaning against the durasteel. - Something similar to what I told you about. Nobody had any idea how she got it. The Council told me she was captured during a mission - but everything seemed fine. Everything was fine until…

Tur's fingers started tapping a rhythm on the floor.

- Until she started having dreams. Hearing thoughts not her own. Fading. We… went away to stay somewhere I thought we'd be marginally safer. I tried all I could, everything possible even when that was cruel to her. But… in the end that wasn't enough. I - I promised her we'd go back to the Temple just one… one more time. To take a picture. A stupid picture out there in the gardens… She … left me… that very night.

- I'm sorry, - whispered Obi-Wan, feeling incredibly dumb and insensitive but at the same time not finding a single kriffing thing to say. - So… you didn't go back to the Temple?

- Me? - Tur shook his head, snorting grimly. - There was nothing for me there. There was nothing for me anywhere anymore. I… I guess I just lost it. Probably left everything there. Didn't even work up the courage to let the Temple know. Her sister is there. I - couldn't really face her. Or anyone. Tell them I failed.

- But it wasn't your fault, - said Obi-Wan. - You… you tried all you could -

- Well, too bad that whatever I tried, did nothing. Nothing! I know I was a coward. I should have told them. I just couldn't bear it anymore. I bet her sister learned about it from - from the people we stayed with. From a stranger who hardly knew Mayte. I guess I was just thinking too much of my own grief that I had no concern for someone else's. And I … I couldn't very well come back like that. Face them all. I thought - I don't know, maybe I hoped I'd die of boredom out here. As you see, - Tur made a broad sweeping gesture at himself, - I miserably failed even at that. I just locked myself up here like some exile hero…

Silence fell. Obi-Wan wanted desperately to say something, but what could one say? If you could not say anything that would actually make a person feel better, that was probably not even worth bothering to say it out loud.

- You're wrong, sir. You - I mean, you saved me.

- I haven't yet. And that's not the point. I only wish I could go back and have another chance at fixing it. Changing it all. You know, like time-travel?

Tur stood up and took the box out of Obi-Wan's hands, putting it back on the shelf.

- No use living in the past. Besides, it makes me a sentimental mess, - an invisible armour fell back in place, and even Tur's eyes, though still calm and kind, now betrayed miles of deepest waters buried underneath the surface, too perilous to dive. - Come, give me a hand with the meal.

Obi-Wan did not follow him immediately. He was still staring at the shelf where the box stood. He wondered why it was always like this. Why nobody could change things, no matter how hard they tried. Why it was always a lose-lose. Why it all had to be this way.

It suddenly felt like life was devastatingly, heartbreakingly sad, and at the same time beautiful like the luminous Noorian girl with golden-green eyes smiling from the photograph knowing full well her whole world was falling apart. And counterintuitively, life was full of wonders, even if they refused to happen to you.

He stepped outside. A half-circular slice of the second sun dipped below the horizon. Fresh herbs they had gathered lay in neat piles on the soft grass. There were sweet roots to be stored and stars to be watched for long hours after sunset. There was no Temple, there was no Tur, there was no Obi-Wan, and - if he dared even think this way - possibly no Force. There was just living, pure, true, and cruelly painful, without certainty or plan or destiny or something as simple as tomorrow. And incomprehensibly, that was beautiful in a way Obi-Wan had never known before. He suddenly realised he wanted it like grass craved every drop of falling rain, he wanted it and cherished it so much that nothing mattered. He breathed in the slightly fragrant crisp evening air. Nothing was alright with the universe. He really wished he could care. But instead, he just breathed. It was a wonder to live.

- Do you call that a parry? Even an old fossil like myself can do better!

Obi-Wan picked himself up from the ground. Dust and fine debris stuck to his robes, but he did not have time to shake it off as Tur's "training sword" - which in reality was just a tree branch he had cleaned up quite neatly - descended upon him.

- That isn't fair! You've got more experience!

- Pff, experience, - huffed Tur, jumping away nimbly, ready for a counterattack. - You probably mean the kind of experience that makes your joints stiff. And, - a series of swift movements, and the branch was perilously close to Obi-Wan's chin, - as I said, you're dead for today. Let's take a break before I lose.

Tur stretched himself contentedly on the grass, chewing on a long thin stalk, and patted a spot beside him with his palm.

- Here. You absolutely have to see how the world looks from a different angle. I've seen you go down a million times, and every single time you jump up to go on and fight. Ever tried to just enjoy the view?

Obi-Wan leaned against a nearby tree. Deep down, he wished he could be as relaxed. But it was far, far outside of his comfort zone. You will not sit in the presence of your Master. Not even when it's a meal. He shuddered inwardly.

- Thanks, but I'll pass.

- Hey, the ground doesn't bite. There aren't even any insects down here. I happen to know how to choose good spots.

- I'm good, - smiled Obi-Wan self-consciously. He should not really make a fuss out of such a minor thing, but the idea was freaking him out.

- Fine, - groaned Tur in exasperation. - Then be a good boy and help an old man get up, - Tur lifted his arm, holding his palm out to Obi-Wan, who automatically took it, only to be pulled mercilessly to the hard ground.

- What - you tricked me! - Obi-Wan felt the tips of his ears colour at the realisation.

Tur laughed. Obi-Wan had seen him smile ironically or snort in what seemed to be some sort of reluctant amusement, but he had never heard him actually laugh. It looked strange - as if Tur himself did not expect this and was surprised as much as Obi-Wan.

- No, that's taking a strategic advantage, - exhaled Tur. - Look. That's what you always have to do. See the world from all possible perspectives. It's like a statue. It deserves that.

Obi-Wan abandoned his attempts to get up and looked up. Funny how this way he could see everything far away and nothing right beside him. The sky seemed deep enough to drown in, and there was too much of it. Shadows from the clouds passed over his face, temporarily covering the sun. It was absolutely ridiculous how such a simple thing like laying on his back on the grass could fascinate him this much.

- It's not ridiculous, - Tur countered softly.

Obi-Wan froze.

- W-what?

- It's not ridiculous. It's alright to be amazed at life, it's - Tur's lips curled in a half-smile, then his eyes widened as he apparently realised the same thing Obi-Wan just did. - I…

- How…

- I have no idea. You must have been projecting but - I shouldn't have been able to - hear you, you know. - Tur furrowed his brow, puzzled. Even if your shields were down, I shouldn't have been able to just hear your thoughts without meaning to. I mean, it happens with masters and -

- But you're not my… it's just… I thought it can only happen with the Council's permission.

- That's not entirely right… - mused Tur, thinking aloud. - But you see, the Force is the primary source. The Council has no control over it. It only directs us. In a way, a bond is a contract. A connection. When the Council supervises the formal creation of all training bonds, it does this to protect you. The Council becomes a third element. You can't try to dissolve a bond without them - it just won't work.

- So that's why…

- Yes. I doubt very much Rhad would have wanted to go into the open with this if he had a choice.

- But the Council could not stop him.

- They couldn't. As I've already told you, this is partly how I think the dark remnant is created. It goes against a person's will. It's supposed to be like that. But what I wanted to say is, all bonds are created in the Force. It doesn't technically need to be approved by anyone. So…

- So you mean the Force sees you as my master?

- And you, my padawan. That's the only explanation I have.

Obi-Wan fell silent, unsure how to react.

- I promise I will try not to accidentally read your thoughts, if that's what you're so concerned about, - Tur quirked his eyebrow ironically.

- No! I… It's just - I didn't really expect…

- Well, me neither. On the bright side, you're welcome to pry into my thoughts as well. I don't say there won't be consequences, - Tur raised his finger in the air. - but you can.

Obi-Wan snickered. He suddenly felt extremely light-hearted, so much that he imagined he could float if the gravity wasn't strong enough. It was a weird sense of belonging somewhere that pulled at his limbs, almost lifting his entire weight off the ground. But at the same time, he was scared. Good things were never certain. They were hard to keep and refused to last long. And this was so good that Obi-Wan was scared out of his wits.

- Do you ever regret it? - asked Obi-Wan suddenly, staring blankly at the sky.

- What exactly?

- Everything. That the Force gave you her - and then took her away. I mean… - Obi-Wan hesitated but some pressing curiosity desperately drove him, - have you ever wished that you had never met her at all?

Tur was silent for a couple of minutes. Warm gentle air was filled with distant buzzing of insects, what seemed to be dozens of them perfectly in unison.

- Do you want me to tell you I haven't? - Tur spoke at length, his voice uncharacteristically quiet, as if uncertain and looking for words to match his thoughts. - I don't think I can. I've… actually thought a lot about it. You know, after I buried M- , - Tur's voice hitched ever so slightly, stumbling over the sound, - after I buried - her - it all came in waves. I… I would resign myself and - and try to do the usual things, but they weren't, you know, usual, and it would crash on me again and Sith, I wished so much it would just be over, that I hadn't found and then lost her, anything for that - feeling - to stop. But then I would meditate and you know, I would see how happy I was, we both were, just for a little while, and it was like some vacation from life that had rained down on us by some dumb luck, like we didn't have a right to enjoy it for too long… and then I would feel like I've paid for that joy, I paid dearly, but by the Force, it's insane to say so because it just hurt so much, but it was still worth it. If you came to me today and offered to take away all those memories, I'd beg you on my knees to take them. But, - Tur exhaled a mirthless laugh, - tomorrow I'd crawl back to you begging you to give them all back to me.

Strange pale-feathered birds passed over their heads, the soft swooshes of their wings silky and whispery in the gathering dark. The ground under Obi-Wan's back was losing all its warmth gathered during the day, but he did not want to get up. The huge body of the planet spinning underneath him felt solid and enormous, bigger than anything, bigger than his little life, and though his heart felt heavy and in shreds, the endless cold of the cooling ground seemed to absorb all his strength to feel anything, and he welcomed it with all that was left of his heart.