I DO NOT OWN HOUSE, M.D.


On Bite Is All It Takes

It was nighttime in New Jersey and Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital was still open for business. House was in his office, and he was asleep in his Eames chair. Wilson walked in. House didn't open his eyes. "Go away."

"Did you speak to Cuddy last night?"

"She's fine. Why would it take anyone more than a few hours to get over misplacing a baby?"

"You spoke to her?"

"Kinda hit that. So she's all on my jock."

"Wha– what?"

House opened his eyes and looked at Wilson. "Huh. Everyone else thought I was kidding."

"You hit? Like making out, or full-on sex, or–"

House scratched his right hand. "Got a chart laid out with all the bases. I'll take you through it."

"What are you gonna do?"

"What can I do? I'm going to ignore her for the rest of my life." House scratched his hand again. "This mosquito bite kept me awake."

"Don't care about the bug bite. She's your boss."

"So now I have two reasons to ignore her. It was just a kiss."

"There's a reason."

"Yeah. Those large things in her bra."

"You were hiding it from me. Means it meant something to you."

"Yeah, I fiendishly concealed it within the phrase 'I hit that.'"

"Stop scratching. You'll draw blood."

"Oh, thank you. I didn't realize. I'm gonna break the skin. It'll draw the poison out." He stood up and limped over to his desk.

Wilson shook his head and turned around to head out. Before leaving, he turned and said, "You're deflecting, House."

House was seated at his desk, and he looked up. "Hm, funny. All I heard was 'Get out'. Now, will you do just that? I'm busy." He got a scalpel and broke the skin.

Wilson shook his head again and left. After dressing his wound with a small circle bandage, House looked up and sighed. He knew Wilson was right. He hates it when Wilson's right... but he couldn't really object to the fact that Wilson was right, either. He needed to talk to Cuddy. Deciding he had enough, he grabbed his backpack off the floor under his desk and stood up. He gathered his usual things—his iPod, his PSP, and a couple textbooks—and put them in his pack. He zipped it up and slung it over his shoulder before grabbing his cane and leaving. Before leaving his floor, he made a trek to Wilson's office and barged in like he normally does. Wilson was also getting ready to leave. "Do you want a ride home?"

"Sure." Wilson put his coat on. "If I had a death wish." He picked up his briefcase. "I will be driving myself, thank you."

"Suit yourself. Just thought I'd ask."

Wilson sighed. "Yes. I will come over, House."

"Aw, Wilson. That's so sweet of you to offer." Wilson smiled and shook his head. After locking his office, the two of them left and made their way out of the hospital.

At House's apartment, Wilson was sitting next to House on his couch. They were doing their usual thing: food and beer while watching TV. Taking a sip of his beer, Wilson asked, "So, are you gonna talk to Cuddy?"

House had his arms crossed behind his head and was leaning back into the couch. His legs were propped up on the coffee table and his feet were crossed. "I will... eventually."

"Eventually?"

"Yes, Wilson. E-ven-tu-a-lly."

"When's that gonna be?"

"When I feel like it."

"And when's that gonna be?"

"Like I said, when I feel like it."

"You're unbelievable, you know that?"

"Eh, kind of like to think of myself as more dubious and rebellious."

Wilson rolled his eyes. "You really are unbelievable. There's a simpler way to handle this: just talk to Cuddy. Obviously, the kiss meant something to you."

"Yeeaah. Here's what I'm thinking: I don't talk to Cuddy, and I avoid her like I normally do. Problem solved."

"Or... you be an adult about this and talk to Cuddy. Either you tell her the kiss meant something or it didn't. Either way, problem solved."

House looked at his friend incredulously. "That's your solution? Be an adult and talk to her?"

Wilson shrugged. "It seems good to me. Look, I know being an adult is a foreign concept to you... but you're not dealing with this like you should be. You should be talking to her about it."

"If I wanted to talk to her about it, which I don't, don't you think I would've done it already?"

"Knowing you, no."

House placed a hand on his chest. "You wound me, Wilson."

Wilson rolled his eyes. "You have to talk about this rationally, House. It's the right thing to do. I'm tired of playing matchmaker for the two of you."

"Aww, but that's what you live for."

Wilson glared at him. House sighed and gave up. "Fine, you win. I'll talk to Cuddy."

Wilson nodded. "Good."

"Tomorrow."

"That's good enough for me." Wilson sipped his beer and they both went back to watching their movie.

The next morning, at around 6:30, Wilson opened his eyes and slowly started to emerge from his sleep. He uncovered himself and sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He then stood up and stretched out his stiff muscles. He likes spending the night at House's, but House's couch does a number on his back. After he stretched, he started his trek to the bathroom. When he got there, he peeked and saw that House was sleeping peacefully in his bed. Or so he thought. Wilson was about to turn on the sink to splash cold water on his face in order to wake himself up more, when he heard what sounded like choking. Panicked, Wilson ran into House's room where he found the man doing just that. "House!" House was choking and gasping for air, clawing at his throat in a desperate attempt to do so. Wilson placed two fingers on House's neck and found that the man's pulse was fast. He quickly grabbed the phone off the nightstand and dialed 911.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"I need an ambulance right away. My friend's having trouble breathing."

"What's your location?"

"221 Baker Street, apartment B."

"Okay, sir. We'll send one right away."

Without thanking the dispatcher, Wilson hung up and tossed the phone on the bed. House grabbed Wilson's arm. "J-Jimmy... C-Can't... B-Breathe."

"Hang on, House. You're gonna get help."

At the Princeton Plainsboro ambulance bay, House was being wheeled into the hospital. He had an oxygen mask on and was completely unconscious. Wilson was following alongside the gurney. Cuddy came up to him. "Wilson, what happened?"

"I don't know. I spent the night last night. This morning, when I went to the bathroom to splash cold water on myself, I heard choking. I ran into his room, and he was doing just that. His pulse was really fast and then I called an ambulance."

"Any idea what could've caused it?"

"N-No."

She sighed. "Okay. Well, we'll get him admitted and set up in a room."

Wilson stuttered again. "O-Okay."

Cuddy put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, Wilson. We'll take good care of him." He smiled. "Now, why don't you go and get cleaned up? I'll tell you when we get him to a room."

He nodded. "Okay." With that, he went off to do what he was told.