Chapter 17 (Fight Till My Last Breath)
"I don't hate you, Caroline." He shook his head, "I can never hate you."
She smiled weakly and suddenly became aware of the presence of another person. She looked at Lily in a spotless cream coloured dress.
"That should have been me." She said, croakingly. "It should have been me and you."
"Yeah." James said, quietly. "It could have been."
Lily's whole world stopped. She had heard from Remus that breaking up Caroline was the hardest thing James had ever done. And, that it had messed him up pretty bad. But, she hadn't seen how badly he had been hurt until now. It had been almost two years since he had broken up with Caroline but still, Caroline had such a grasp on him that she would never have. It was true……..forgetting your first love was the most difficult thing to do. Lily was lucky, she fell in love with James and now she had him….till death did them apart. But, James Potter hadn't been so lucky.
Caroline's eyes closed and they both sat there, not even remembering that Lily was there. The nurse came in to check up on Caroline.
"She's………" The nurse had been doing this job for almost six years but this part never got any easier. "Gone, Mr. Potter."
"No…" James's voice was hoarse. "Caroline! No!"
He held her hand, his head bowed down on the bed next to her. And, how much he tried to hide it, they could hear him crying.
On her wedding night, Lily Evans (Now Potter) watched her husband crying over another woman. But, oddly, she didn't feel jealous anymore. It wasn't that love the emotion James was experiencing. It was pity that he felt for Caroline.
"James?" She said, gently, her hand on his shoulder, "I think you should give the healers some room."
He nodded, wiping away his face and followed her blindly.
"Come on, sit down." James took a seat outside.
"I can't believe this." James murmured, "I can't believe it."
He repeated. Again and again, over and over.
"I should have known." He turned towards Lily. "I should have known……Caroline Trent couldn't hurt anyone, she was certainly not capable of murder."
"Yes, you should have." Lily told him.
This was certainly not something he thought she would say. She thought she would comfort him.
"How could someone evil fall in love with someone as kind as you?" She said.
He smiled briefly.
"Why do you think only a few Slytherins truly hated you at school?" She asked, "You can't be hated….Believe me, I tried."
He smiled again.
"So, do you want to stay here?" She asked.
"And, make you stay at a hospital on your wedding night?" James asked, "I'll ask Padfoot to come till they release her."
"It's okay if you want to stay."
"And, you won't mind?" He asked,
"No, because I'll stay if you are."
He smiled again.
"Thank you, Lil."
James Potter sat all night in the hospital, hour after hour. His newly-wedded wife sat with him. His brand new tuxedo had the blood of his ex-girlfriend but he didn't care.
"Mr. Potter?" The nurse came back near dawn. "You are still here?"
"Will you release the body of Caroline Trent now?" He asked, standing up. "For a proper burial?"
"That right is usually reserved for family members."
"She has no family." James told her, "She was left on the doorstep of an orphanage in Texas."
"Oh…." The nurse stopped.
"I will take her." He said, quietly. "And, arrange a funeral."
"If you will follow me, Mr. Potter!" The nurse nodded.
James nodded back and followed her.
"I'll be right back." He told Lily.
James Potter never thought his ex-girlfriend would be back in Potter Manor again. And, he had never imagined that she would be here dead.
"James?" Sirius Black came inside the house. "You okay?"
"Yeah…." James said. "Is he here? The priest?"
"He'll be here." Sirius said. "Soon."
"Good."
"James….is that?" Sirius saw a ring on Caroline's finger that wasn't there a few minutes ago. "Is that the ring you got her?"
James Potter had gotten a ring for Caroline, in case his parents wouldn't let him have the family ring. But, that was before he knew…………..Sirius wouldn't have recognized it if he hadn't been the one who had helped James pick it out. He looked at her. She was wearing a fully sleeved dress. James didn't want more people to know the shame she had endured. The very mark that had ruined her life. The very mark that had been her death.
"Yeah…." James Potter shut the coffin door. "It belongs to her."
It was the best coffin on the market. James had planned her funeral. Maybe he felt guilty. Or maybe, just maybe…..he wanted to give her a proper sendoff top makeup for all the things she had to suffer through.
"I thought it was an open casket?" Sirius asked,
"Yeah, I thought so too." James murmured.
"You okay, Prongs?" He asked again.
"She was innocent." James whispered. "How could I not know?"
"You couldn't have." Sirius told him, firmly. "You are a smart man, James. But, you can't see the unseen. Plus, you had so much more on your plate."
"But….." He repeated. "I should have! I should known."
"Mr. Black?" A man popped in, asking about the arrangements.
"I'll be back."
Rainie joined him on the couch.
"Hey, James."
"Hey, Rainie." He said, absent-mindedly. "Why aren't you at school?"
"I asked McGonagall for an extension." She said.
"Okay."
"James? Hey?" She said, "Listen to me."
"Hmmm?"
"Look at me, James!"
She was only fifteen but she had a serious look on her face.
"I know what you are feeling." She told him. "Not exactly…But, I think I do know."
"Yeah, how so?" James turned towards her.
"When my parents threw me out, I blamed myself." She told him, "I thought I was the problem."
"Rainie….It's not you.." He started to say.
"I know." She said, "And, it took me a long time to get this way. And, You being there certainly helped."
James nodded.
"And, I know right now everything feels like it is your fault." She said, "But, trust me, it's the grief talking. You will be okay. But, it will take time."
"It keeps happening, Rainie." He said. "People keep getting hurt! People keep betraying me! They keep dying…."
He genuinely looked scared. Rainie could see the fear deep in his deep blue eyes. Those eyes that held so many secrets that it was weighing him down.
"How am I supposed to sleep at night knowing well that tomorrow that might be you or Lily?" He asked, "Or someday, I have to bury my daughter! How do I sit here knowing that?"
"You just have to work hard." She said, "You have to give yourself to end this war. And, you can sleep peacefully then."
"When?" He asked, stupidly.
"When the war ends." Rainie stood up. "And….."
"And what?" He asked, impatiently.
"Or you are the one in that coffin." Her lip trembled, "And, it's the rest of us here feeling like you are. Thinking we could have done better. It is a vicious cycle that will never end until the war ends."
James hugged her tightly.
"I will fight, Rainie." He whispered, "I will fight for you. I will fight for my friends, I will fight for my family……Till the war ends. Or…."
"Or?"
"Or I die trying." James said.
"Don't say that, James." She whispered. "I am not ready to lose you. The abandoned Blacks cannot lose you."
