At What Cost?
Summary:
Anakin was never put in the suit but he did turn to the dark side. When his son Luke finally saves him and helps him find his light, Anakin is confronted by another face from the past. As old mentor and padawan reunite, Anakin reflects back on all he has done and his life without Padme whilst trying to win over his daughter.
Chapter 2: Padme
It was hard to overcome the immense guilt that came with accepting everything you did wrong. Anakin found it so hard to not hate himself for everything. For the people he hurt, killed. The lives he tore apart, the planets he destroyed. It was eating him alive and he knew this very feeling was what caused his fall in the first place so, he tried his best. He tried to push it aside but nothing could help him now. He couldn't take any of it back and so all he had to do was live with it, until the galaxy felt his time was right to leave it.
Whilst Padme lay resting with the Japor Snippet he had carved out for her when he was 8 years old, Anakin held onto a small piece of Padme too. For the last 20 years, even in his darkness, Anakin had held onto a locket she wore when she was younger, something that was close to her heart. Her grandmother's locket, a woman their daughter Leia was named after. After all these years he hadn't let it go and he never would.
Looking down at the locket as he sat with his back against the wall, hand between his bent up right knees, his thumb caressing over the soft metal that was slightly rusted. Sometimes he swore he could still smell her on it. At least he hoped so because he missed every single thing about her. Her smell, her touch, her soft voice that would greet him in the mornings, the way her hair fell perfectly over her shoulders. He missed the way she would smile and laugh or the way her body looked when they were in their most intimate moments.
Anakin hovered over his wife's naked body, his breath trembling, she was so beautiful. Leaning down to kiss her gently he let out a breath. "You're so beautiful." He whispered out into her mouth. All Padme did was move her hand to her husband's bare chest.
"I love you so much Ani…"
He missed the way she would tell him she loved him and regretted how he didn't say it nearly enough. He missed caressing her bump and feeling his children move from within her womb. He missed feeling her lay next to him at night and the feeling he got when she was around, peace, serenity, love. He missed his wife and it was his doings that tore them apart. He often sat and thought about where it all went wrong. How he could have allowed himself to be so naive. What if he had just let Master Windu kill the Chancellor that night? Would it have all worked out differently or was this truly his destiny? None of that mattered because the one thing that did matter to him and been dead for the last 20 years.
"He hasn't left his room in days." Luke told her as they walked through to his father's small home that he shared with Luke for the time being.
"It's a lot to accept Luke." She replied, walking with him. They were determined to save Anakin.
"I don't think Leia helps him either. She won't accept him."
"Can you blame her?" She asked. "At least I knew who he truly was, Leia only knows his darkness."
"I just…I can't lose him again." Luke whispered as they stopped outside his fathers room.
"'I'll do what I can but Luke?" She paused. "We must allow him time."
"I know."
Anakin had been so focused on his wife's locket that he hadn't heard his door open. He didn't even sense her, he just stared. She swallowed hard seeing him, sat on the floor, back to the wall with Padme's possessions in his hand. She had missed him.
"I should have never walked away from you…" She whispered. Anakin arched his brow and lifted his head up at the familiar voice.
"Snips?" he whispered out, standing up and looking at her. After all these years she stood there in front of him. "You got old." He teased - the first bit of happiness he had felt in days, aside from his children, his old Padawan stood in front of him.
"It happens." She said with an eye roll. "Let's take a walk?" She asked him, hands behind her back. Anakin just nodded and pulled himself together as they walked through the forest.
It was silent at first, as both master and padawan tried to find the right words to say. It was Anakin who spoke first.
"It wasn't your fault Ashoka, none of this was." She swallowed hard at his words, she had spent the last 20 years carrying the guilt of Anakin's fall, blaming herself for walking away from him.
"It is not so easy to let go of the blame Master." She admitted. Anakin's jaw clenched when she called him that.
"A blame that is not yours to bear."
"And yet I do."
"Why?"
"All you wanted was to be given the rank of master. Had I not walked away you would have had a successful padawan and met criteria." She said softly.
"I was reckless Ashoka, held too much anger and aggression. Even if you hadn't left the order, I still wouldn't have been granted that title." Anakin reassured her. "This was my doing not yours."
Ahsoka finally looked at him and stopped in her tracks. Anakin turned to face her too.
"Then why?" She asked him simply. Ashoka watched as his facial expressions changed and his jaw clenched, looking down. "Was it for her? Did you side with Palpatine to save Padme?" She asked him, her tone soft.
"Yes." He finally admitted, feeling his own throat choking.
Ahsoka let out a sigh, she wished she had known his fears sooner, she would have helped him, if it was even possible.
"At what cost?" She asked, it was a stupid question to ask because she had spent the last 20 years witnessing the cost of his actions. Kicking at the ground slightly she looked at Anakin, who had looked away for a moment, focused his vision on the fields and lake in the distance, allowing a tear to fall down his face and a shaky breath leave his lips.
"Padme.." he whispered out.
Ashoka didn't know what to say, she hadn't ever really seen Anakin cry, in some terrible states yes but never cry.
"I'm so sorry Anakin…" She whispered out, allowing her master some time to recoup.
"All I can do now is accept the consequences of my actions. This is quite possibly the worst one but it is all my doing."
"We all failed you Anakin."
"You could never fail me, Snips." He reassured her.
The former Jedi pair sat on the rocks by the lake, feeding the alien-like fish that came up to the surface for air every now and then.
"Luke tells me Leia is not so accepting?" Ahsoka asked him.
"Another consequence I absolutely hate." He told her.
"She'll come round."
He laughed softly, "Have you met her? She's as stubborn as I am."
"Then she will learn to live with it, as you will. Just don't give up hope. A daughter always needs her father."
"Yes but I took hers from her." Anakin said, pulling at the grass, regret in his tone.
"Vader took that from her. The man I knew then and the man I see now is far from anything dark. You are not that person Anakin, first you must accept that."
Anakin just looked at her and smiled softly. "When did you get so wise?"
"Just some old Jedi I used to know…" She teased, causing him to smile again.
How could he be so lucky? To have the most beautiful woman in the galaxy and call her his own, his wife. After hours of love making in her small, private home on Naboo, by the lake with the waterfall echoing in the distance, he lay next to her, naked bodies tangled together, faces close and his bionic hand stroking her hair. All that was between them were looks of love and breaths of passion.
"I know you are scared and I know this isn't ideal but you are all I desire and if I can have you only in secret then in secret I'll take it. You are my whole heart Padme and I love you so much." He whispered to her. Padme smiled softly and bit down on her lip.
"I truly love you, Anakin Skywalker." she whispered back, nuzzling his nose and rolling on top of him with a chuckle.
"I'm glad you do…Mrs Skywalker." He teased, holding her hips and leaning up and kissing her again.
For the rest of his life he would do whatever it took to prove to Padme that he never meant any harm, he only wanted to save her. He'd spend the rest of his life building a relationship with his children and honoring Padme in every single way. He'd spend the rest of his life gaining Leia's trust because she was a piece of him and he loved her more than anything. Padme could not have the family she always wanted so he was going to live and have it for her.
Even in death Padme was still his entire heart and soul. His entire life.
