L

I was no better or worse than Kira. I had always secretly wished that the Death Note had fallen before my feet. I was terribly jealous. Had the true God chosen Light over me? That's what I was thinking. If it had been me, I would have used it. Not me personally. But I would have experimented with it, without a doubt.

It's becoming more and more personal. I've never been too embarrassed by anything, but I've come across things that I find difficult to name. I've never had a mother. I didn't know how much I longed for motherly closeness. Pushed away. Ignored. And left behind just because I was different. That explains why I was so obsessed with Kira. Psychologically, Light Yagami was like my mother. Let me explain. Every person has two sides. A male and a female side. When these two sides harmonize, we are fine. We have issues when we ignore ourselves. If we lack something, we look for this harmony in other people. It's something like this: "If I don't have X, I'll take X from someone else." So we start looking for solutions to our own problems in other people. I basically looked everywhere for my "mother." In my case, I found her in Light Yagami. I chained him to myself, for fucks sake. I wanted him for myself. I just wanted him to care. The problem was that Light cared. Kira did not.

I talked to Light for these last weeks. He is nice® now. We became close friends. And all of that just because we decided to talk to each other open and honestly.

Tell me more

L: "How did this all start?"

Kira: "I was so bored, that's why. What else was I supposed to do?"

L: "So killing people was your hobby?"

Kira: "What do you think I should have done when I found the Death Note?"

L: "You should have thrown it away. Burned it. Ignore it. But not use it!"

Kira: "You said you would have used it if you found it."

L: "I know. But it would have been safer with me!"

Kira: "Nonsense!"

L: "Okay! Nobody should have used it. No matter how or why."

Silence

L: "Did you like it?"

Kira: "What?"

L: "Killing people and lying to everyone."

Kira: "I had to do it. For my perfect world."

L: "I didn't ask if you wanted to do it or had to do it. Did you like it?"

Kira: …

L: Out with it.

Silence

Kira: "It's still difficult for me to be honest with you and with myself. You seem to be more comfortable with the truth… All right. I liked hurting other people. That gave me a feeling of power and control."

L: "I suspected something like that."

Kira: "You just made everything worse. Every time you said Kira was evil, it just made me angrier than I already was! That was one of the reasons I hated you so much. You didn't miss any opportunity to tell me how evil I was."

L: "…Tell me more. How was your childhood?"

Kira: "I told you enough for now. It's your turn."

L: "I will tell you more about myself. But you need to answer my question first. I only want one childhood memory. Did you like to hurt people when you were a child?"

Kira: "Not really. I liked to play pranks on my friends. Father told me that this was childish, so I left it alone. That made me resent him. He was always busy. But when he was present, he found fault in everything I did. That hurt my ego. I just wanted him to be proud of me. But I felt like being myself wasn't enough… So I started lying."