Hi. My name is Pornomancer Crin'gness Dementia Crow Way. I have long purple hair That reaches down the floor and Cerulean blue orbs that shimmer in the edgiest of Ways. I am not related to Daniel Way, but I wish I was because he's a MAJOR FUCKEN HOTTIE. I am a witch but my hat is prim and proper, and my lingerie is edgy enough. I live in the bog with my crow, as far away from the population because I make them cringe to death.

Today was my birthday! As I was celebrating my 42069th revolution around the sun, I Went outside and looked at the moon. This was my very personal moon given by the Goddess because I was a very special Alpha witch. Today was a full moon. It was also Called in wiccan terms the "Garfield moon" because it made everything taste like Lasagna.

As I said my nightly prayer to Shakespearehemmingway, I began to cry. I Knew that I could never measure up to his muscular orange mightiness. Wiping my Crystalline tears that smelled like lemon juice, I stood up and went back to my humble Hut. My witch hut was very small, only containing 69 rooms and a basement. I was all Alone in this hut, my parents had abandoned me before I was even born. I had but ne companion for my whole life, the echo of my own steps. I used to have a cat Familiar named Arya, but she also abandoned me because she got sold to One Direction.

Walking on my herbs and gems-littered floor, I headed to the room on my ight, which was my streaming room. The place was nicknamed the Ejaculatorium, as t is where ideas come to my mind (A/N if you don't appreciate the reference, then GET HE FRICK OUTTA HERE). My streaming setup was also blessed upon me by the Goddess because I am an Alpha streamer that only showcased the most amazing and Professional content. I'm not like that Bitch Streamer Sailor Moon, that only does Beta Streams (A/N frick you Sailor you ho I want my Discord roles back!). My Setup was completely decked in RGB strips, because I am not like the other girls. I was A REAL gamer grill ok?

Looking at my amazing WandHub profile, I noticed something disastrous. I only had 1,00000 likes on my latest video! How could this be? I needed to talk to my editor. My content is always top-notch and professional, so it was totally the editor's fault that The video was doing so bad!

I grabbed my magic lovense wand and headed to the basement, where my editor lived. Well, "lived" is a strong word I guess. I had banished Kuro the editor to my basement Because he kept making silly demands, like "time to sleep" or 'to see his family". How Ingrate of him! Why ask for a salary when you get to be the first to see my content?

I went down the stairs of the basement, my petite feet not even making the boards Crack because I am so smol and light UwU. Kuro, we need to talk, I said as I Reached the bottom of the stairs. The basement was dark and moldy, just as Kuro liked. He totally hated the warmth of the sun, or the open skies where he could spread open His wings to soar. Yes, the basement was the perfect place for him to live. I even was Generous enough to feed him a varied diet of pizza crusts. On a pile of crates at the back Of the room, a digny old computer was set up so the editor could do his work. It was Everything an editor could ever need! So it was at my grand surprise that I noticed that Kuro wasn't there! His favorite chain That tied him to the brick wall laid empty on the dusty floor. Next to it was a note that Read:

"I like them big, I like them chonky. I have gone to live with Colonelle AKA Coco".

I was floored, and I began to cry. Colonelle was my old trusted ally, but she Had betrayed me when she tried to defy my Alpha status and get more followers than Me on Fansly (I have 9 followers). Thinking of those bitter memories, I began to cry. I Simply couldn't let Kuro risk being in such toxic company!

I rushed out of the basement and headed to Coco's abode. Thanks to my amazing Alpha Powers given to me by the Goddess because I am a special Alpha witch, I could fly 10 times faster than the speed of sound when using my Lovense wand. Thus, I got there Really fast. Like, REALLY fast.

I snuck in Coco's house super easily because my smol 2'5" UwU frame could easily slide Through the window. I almost toppled over because of my huge homongalouses but my Special Alpha ninja training got me back to my dainty feet quick.

Colonelle's house was Awful, full of trophies of all her exploits. How dared she flaunt all of those trophies inMy face, when she KNOWS that it triggers my PTSD when I see people other than me Win!

I barged in the living room, where Coco was doing one of her AWFUL recordings. Give me back my editor! I screamed. Colonelle turned to me and said Kuro was

Here with me, yes. But he got kidnapped by thugs that work for ShakespeareHemmingway because you compared PeanutsOnFire to him! I began to cry from my Cerulean orbs. But before you leave to confront him, I have Something to tell you, she said. I am actually your long lost cousin. And John Cena is my uncle. He's…your father. Knowing who my father really was, I began to cry. He didn't actually abandon me. I just couldn't see him because he was JOHN 't actually abandon me. I just couldn't see him because he was JOHN CENA. It all Made sense now.

Knowing that the power of John Cena was with me, I felt confident enough to Confront ShakespeareHemmingway. They were like a god to me. I prayed to them

Every Night. But if fighting a god was what I had to do so I didn't have to edit my own Videos, Then fight a god I shall.

Using the rays of the Garfield moon (A/N I can do this because of my Alpha moon powers), I quickly tracked where Shakespearehemmingway was. They were Magnificent Under the lasagna-flavored light. They wore a long orange robe with stripes on it, and under the hood shone a gorgeous Garfield mask. Give me my editor back! I said, my Cerulean orbs glowing red with Alpha power. Shakespearehemmingway stayed silent, slowly raising his arm. A Desert Eagle

Materialized in his hand, the manly metal shining under the full moon. A shiver ran Down my smol UwU frame. Suddenly, my view was obscured by a flurry of dark feathers. Nooooooooooooo cried Kuro. My editor was here! Kuro! What are you doing outside of a cage? I Whimpered. Pornomancer Crin'gness Dementia Crow Way, I have brought you a Birthday present worthy of your mightiness. A dinner date with S.H! I gasped.

ShakespeareHemmingway wanted to go on a date…with me? I began to cry tears of Blood. (A/N I am also a vampire, if you didn't know :3) Since I heard your prayers, I couldn't get you out of my mind. I am in love with you, Pornomancer Crin'gness Dementia Crow Way!

Out of his Desert Eagle shot a birthday cake. I it actually a Dessert Eagle, but I Didn't feel like correcting people, ShakespeareHemmingway said with a chuckle. We ate cake under the Garfield moonlight and it tasted like lasagna and it was perfect.

The End.

A/N If ShakespeareHemmingway would like to go on a date with me, that would be ok.