"Odin, my friend, I do not think you yet grasp how deliciously funny it would be."
Odin Borsson, Lord of the Aesir, Father of All, Delight of Frigg, Spear Shaker of the Flaming Eye, Ancient One Who Is Many, God of Ravens, Wanderer, Wisest, belched and refilled his cup of mead. "Lay it on me again, Loki."
"Thor's an uppity, dunderheaded prick ever since he grew up."
"He's also my son."
"And we all love him," Loki agreed impatiently. "But just imagine his face when you introduce me, in disguise -" At the very word, the shapeshifter morphed into the semblance of a younger god with the fair locks Thor had inherited from Frigg - "as his prodigal older brother finally returned to reclaim my place at the right hand of our beloved father." Loki shifted again, this time to the likeness of Thor himself, eyes wide, jaw slack and hanging open comically, cheeks flushed.
Burning mead sprayed from the Allfather's nose as he laughed. "Ow..." He shook his head, still sniggering while Loki mimicked Thor's voice while sputtering in feigned, wordless outrage. "Yes, it would be pretty funny, Loki," he admitted. "But I doubt even Thor would be convinced of the subterfuge."
"You overestimate his intelligence."
"No, you overestimate his gullibility. The prank would last but a moment, since every Aesir older than him would know the truth."
Loki shrugged. "So we get the others on our side. Heimdall will go for it."
"You propose to involve half the Aesir court in an elaborate scheme to very temporarily prank Thor into believing he is not an only child?"
"Yes."
Odin cackled. This was why he kept Loki around. Well, that and they were blood-brothers.
"It doesn't even have to be that temporary. I bet I can keep it going for years, and Thor won't figure it out until someone actually tells him. It'll be great."
"Are you sure this is not an elaborate ploy of yours to usurp his admittedly ceremonial position as my heir, only to banish me to Midgard or something and take the throne yourself?"
"Of course not. How could you even suggest such a thing? We're best friends!" Loki's fiendish grin belied his words, and they both giggled into their mead. "Younger brother," Loki said suddenly.
"What?"
"I'll be his younger brother, that way you don't have to worry about me deciding to stage a palace coup."
"Well, that won't work. Not even Thor could forget he had a younger brother."
Loki's eyes alit. "He won't have to. I'll turn myself into an infant, and you can raise me up. Since I'll obviously be a magical youth, it won't even have to take very long. And this way, we don't have to get nearly so many people to go along with the deception."
"Just Frigg," Odin said wryly.
"She'll think it's hilarious," Loki assured him. "Just picture me running around after you and her, crying 'Mommy! Daddy!' And don't forget Thor in the background, trying not to be jealous of a toddler because it is so beneath him."
Odin snorted another nose full of mead. "She probably will, actually."
"Let's ask her."
Frigg, First of the Goddesses, Weaver of Clouds, Goddess of Marriage, Beloved of Odin, had one thing to say to Loki's bizarre proposition: "I bet you a thousand gold arm bands you won't last more than a week."
Loki, Blood Brother of Odin, the Sly One, Thief of the Giants, of the Goat, of Brisinga-men, and of Idunn's apples, Harmer of Sif's Hair, and Forger of Evil, was at this point even more drunk than usual. He scowled at Frigg and said, "I bet you a thousand gold arm bands I'll last longer than you. Or Odin."
Frigg smiled. "Husband, shall you join our wager?"
"Oh, definitely. On your side, dearest one. Although I'll give him two weeks. He's stubborn."
Loki lifted his chin. "I'll show you. I'll last a thousand years! Longer! You'll give up the game long before I do, Gray Beard."
Odin stroked his voluminous facial hair, his most prized feature. "Perhaps we will. But what will Thor and the rest of the court make of your sudden disappearance?"
"Eh, just go to war with Jotunheim again. You can claim I left in protest or even joined the other side, since I'm a Jotun myself. It'll be fine."
"Ah, so now the Aesir and Jotnar must go to war for however long this ridiculous prank lasts?" Frigg asked with raised eyebrows.
Loki sniffed. "Well, since you two seem to think the prank will only last a week, that's hardly a problem, is it?"
"I see what you're doing, and it's not going to work," Odin said. "If I'm going to start a war over this and potentially lose a fortune on a bet, then you're not getting out of this the easy way. I'm not going to break first."
"Nor I," Frigg said firmly.
"Nor I," Loki said stubbornly. He grinned. "Which I suppose means we'll all have to get used to being a happy little family for the next few millennia until Ragnarok. What will you name me, Mother?"
Frigg's stern demeanor splintered and she let out great peals of laughter. Odin and Loki quickly joined in. Eventually, Frigg regained control of herself, fanning her eyes. "Oh, Norns, that is going to take some getting used to."
"Well, you've got until Odin declares war on Jotunheim plus however long you want your 'pregnancy' to take," Loki said. "Mother."
Frigg started laughing again.
And so, the Aesir went to war, and Loki was renamed Loptr. He won the bet, of course. Unfortunately, as he was living in the form of a young child, he had little use for the two thousand golden arm bands his "parents" dutifully handed over to him, contained in several large wooden chests. At least Aesir childhoods were quick. He spent only a few weeks as an infant, a month as a toddler, and two months as a small youth before reaching a mature enough form to start tormenting Thor as any younger "brother" should. All Thor's coterie of young gods and goddesses thought it was funny and/or adorable how Thor's little brother Loptr followed him everywhere. They continued to think so when Loki took to pranking his "older brother" with a vengeance. He poured itching powder in Thor's shoes, soporific in his wine, and bleach in his laundry. He chased Thor's magical goats to Midgard, then while Thor was looking for them sabotaged the wheels on his chariot. When it seemed the "right age" for his shapeshifting magic to more overtly manifest, he would lie in wait to ambush him. He successfully stabbed Thor multiple times with the same grass snake ploy. Every time Thor hauled him over to Frigg for discipline, the First of the Goddesses would coo over him and totally dismiss Thor's complaints. Annoyingly, Thor stopped complaining after awhile. He seemed to take a liking to his "mischievous little brother." After all, Little Loptr was only a child, whereas Thor was God of Thunder.
Pranking Thor was Loki's only amusement, however. He hated being a child, and it wasn't much better when he grew up. Both Odin and Frigga smiled ever-so-indulgently at his antics, praising him every time he humiliated their natural son. Every time Odin went off to another battle in the idiotic war with Jotunheim, he kissed Loki's head before clasping Thor's shoulder and heading out. It was maddening.
All three of them were too stubborn to let go of the final bet. Loki had said he would outlast them. Odin and Frigg had said he wouldn't. Almost two thousand years later, they were still at the same stalemate. Thor no longer mattered at all. It was a passive-aggressive war between three best friends, and it was completely invisible to everyone around them.
The war turned colder. Specifically, Odin and Loki turned colder, each seeking to wear the other down. Odin became a "strict father," while Loki became the "rebellious, dark prince." Frigg thought it was funny and cheerfully egged them both on in private.
Loki started to consider other means by which he could free himself of his self-imposed imprisonment. Technically, he would only lose the bet when Thor figured out that "Loptr" was not his brother. So he could still win if he could find a way to make Loptr vanish without exposing his identity. And also end the war with Jotunheim so he could finally come back to Asgard as himself. A plot was conceived. He just had to pick his time well. And he did. Odin got mad at Thor, Thor got banished to Midgard, Loki hit Odin with a sleeping curse, "Loptr" was appointed regent. Frigg raised her eyebrows but did not intervene. Loki visited Jotunheim for the first time in three thousand years and explained the situation to his father, who agreed to help him by launching a faux assassination attempt against Odin for "Loptr" to foil and heroically win the war. Thor showed up at the perfect moment to completely misread the situation, and "Loptr," tragically, was lost to the void between the Branches of Yggdrasil.
At least, he was from Thor's point of view, and per Odin's report when Loki sneaked into his chambers several hours later, the God of Thunder was quite choked up about it.
"He'll get over it," Loki drawled. "Anyway, I think it's obvious I won the third bet as well. So pay up."
"I don't think so," Odin said. "I don't think it's in the spirit of the thing for Loptr to just die without giving Thor a chance to figure it out. I mean, you could have had the same outcome by dying of a childhood fever the day after I lost my bet."
Damnit! Loki really should have thought of that. Would have saved a lot of time and bother. "Thor has had two thousand years to figure it out. He's not going to, and I'm not going to tell him. Aren't you bored of this silly farce yet? Wouldn't it be better to just call it a day so we can go back to normal?"
Odin and Frigg grinned gleefully, pouncing on his display of weakness. "Oh, no. We're having a wonderful time. Aren't you? And just think, now you get to prank Thor even more grandly by coming back from the dead after he so viciously betrayed you! How will you do it, dear friend? Will you come back all evil and vengeful so he has to coax you back to the path of honor? Or will you come back full of pity and understanding for his grave error and guilt him into some great penance?"
Loki fumed at them and resumed his Loptr disguise. "I hate you, sometimes. You know that, don't you?"
"All young people hate their parents sometimes," Odin said sagely. "I'll concede that it would be unrealistic for you to return immediately, though. An unfair advantage to Thor. Drink with me as we used to, my friend, before you go back to your plots."
Literally shaking with wrath, Loki nodded. "Of course! Just one drink!"
Once the flagon of mead was nearly empty, he mused, "You know, if you don't concede, Odin, I can play dirty, too."
"What did you have in mind?"
"Oh, you'll see."
"It's not going to work."
"I bet it will. I bet I can make you concede and tell Thor."
"How much will you bet?"
"Two thousand gold arm bands."
The two highest gods of the Aesir perked up. They looked at each other and nodded. "Bet you can't," they said in unison.
"Watch me."
"We've already spent vast amounts of resources and warriors on one frivolous war for this. What do you think will make a difference?"
"Hmmm... Well there's always more frivolous wars. And lethal consequences. And Ragnarok."
Odin snorted mead all over the place. "I bet even you won't take it that far."
"You underestimate my determination to win the bet, just as you underestimated Thor's gullibility."
"The wager stands," Odin said decisively.
Loki shrugged and raised his cup in toast. "On your own head be it."
Author's note: I thought it would be funny if the Marvel Cinematic Universe was somehow made compliant(ish) with actual Norse mythology. Which of course means that most of the bad things that happen are just because Loki and Odin are dicking around. Enjoy.
