Chapter 42: Expecting the Unexpected
A/N: To the collective who I've successfully gaslit for many many months, I sincerely apologize but it had to be done. There's been a lot of question dodging and deflecting on my part and I can't say I regret it. For the ones that just KNEW and kept pressing me, I commend you. The only thing I have to say now is…surprise! This chapter basically covers the immediate fallout of the OC finding out she's pregnant.
The grogginess from waking up always makes you feel slightly discombobulated. You hadn't slept that peacefully in a while. You rubbed at your eyes trying to rid the sleep from them.
Fortunately, there wasn't an abundance of light assaulting your eyes as soon as you cracked them open. Blinking excessively amid your drifting focus, the first thing you perceive is John's unmistakable figure seated on your bedside, quietly watching as full awareness returns to your gaze.
"What…did I sleep in again?" You say, leaning up and turning to glance at the bedside clock with a dazed stare.
"Milaya…how do you feel?"
"I'm fine. Just a little tired still." You say, rubbing at your unfocused heavy eyelids.
"Does your body feel strange in any way?"
Having fully risen up from the bed into a seating position, you began regarding him with a confused countenance. "Not right now."
"Are you at any point still experiencing bodily discomfort?"
You stiffened at the unexpected question. "Sometimes?"
"How do you feel at this very moment?" The man pressed evenly.
Taking into account your recent trip to the doctor, you could understand the curiosity surrounding your overall well-being. And while it was evident that he wanted to know about any ailments affecting your body at the present time but you didn't understand the line of questioning beyond that.
"You're asking a lot of questions."
The questioning had become so intense that it almost felt like an interrogation and you were starting to get nervous. There's a certain measure of caution in the way he's speaking that sparks anxiety in you. In fact, the more innocent the questions, the more uneasy you it must be acknowledged that the questions he was asking were harmless enough, you're curious as to why he wants to know all of a sudden.
"When did you last have your cycle?"
"I mean…I got it in November and December I think."
Occasionally, your birth control causes you to skip a month or two a few times a year. Nowadays it doesn't bother you as much as it used to since you know what to expect. However, there has been so much going on in the past two months that you can't actually remember.
"Have you bled any?"
Straightaway, your cheeks are full of heat, that was such a bizarre question coming from him. It wasn't that often he inquired about your monthly cycles when when he did it never failed to embarrass you on some level.
"My period is supposed to start in a few days actually. It's a little late but I don't think there's anything to worry about." You insisted.
"Has it been late before?"
"Only a couple of times since I've been on birth control, why?"
"Your body has undergone several unique changes that I've noticed. Why do you think that is?"
"I…I don't know." You shrugged, looking to him for clarification.
"Milaya-"
The sound of your phone vibrating incessantly on the nightstand immediately pulled your attention away from the tense conversation. Glancing at the screen, you quickly recognized the number provided by the hospital since you'd already been expecting a follow-up call from them anyway.
Snatching the device, you answered and pressed it to your ear and uttered an eager, "Hello."
Straightaway, Doctor Harris' familiar voice filtered into your ear. Once she confirms the identity of who she was speaking with, she then goes on to state the purpose of the call.
"I'm calling to let you know that we've received the results of your blood test and I was wondering if you'd be willing to come back to the hospital so we can discuss them."
"Of course. I'll be there shortly."
When the call ends, you look over at your significant other whose countenance remained steadfastly composed throughout.
You can't accurately explain it but a sinking feeling settles in the pit of your stomach.
"Typically in some cases, we chose to disclose the condition of our patient's diagnosis over the phone but I just had a feeling that you needed to be present." The woman spoke in a calm, placating tone of voice.
Undoubtedly, you're already visibly nervous waiting to hear what she has to say, brows lowered and lips pursed in heightened worry. Without warning, an intuitive feeling that something wasn't right began to bombard your psyche.
"So we're gotten the results of your blood test back."
"Is it serious?" You asked.
Given the other woman's body language, she seemed to be bracing for something despite the small smile gracing her lips. "Well it's definitely something I consider life changing."
Something was up, the woman seemed way too eager to divulge your condition for some odd reason.
"Is it a terminal illness?" You inquire, voice shaking. "My body's been feeling so weird lately but I don't feel sick."
"Uh…no. You don't have any sort of illness that we can detect. Although that weirdness you feel may have something to do with your current condition."
"Which is?"
"As it turns out, you're just very pregnant."
A beat of silence before you can manage the most articulate way to express your befuddlement.
"Huh?"
"Congratulations! You're pregnant!"
Brows furrowing, your first reaction was to laugh. The notion of you being pregnant was just too ridiculous to believe. This has to be her idea of a joke but the only one laughing was you and the idea that she may be very serious starts to set in.
The realization that this wasn't some joke on behalf of her and the hospital basically sent you into a downward spiral of hysteria.
A blindingly intense wave of terror washed over you, your body shifting into disquietude. The shock alone from trying to accommodate what you felt all at once was both confusing and overwhelming.
"Mmmhhh. It looks like your body has been growing a little one for quite some time now. By our estimates, for nearly fifteen weeks now."
At that exact moment, your heart felt as if it had stopped. You frowned, eyes widening slightly.
The expression on your face was enough for the smile on her face to straight into a line. Neither one of you moved from that point onward and it was silent in the room for long moments. You dare not even look in John's direction for fear of what his expression might be in regards to the shocking revelation.
Consequently, you and the female physician share a look that can only be deciphered between the two of you. The same exact look that your mother and grandmother give each other when they silently communicate - a look that only could only be communicated between two black women. The universal look was one that was widely understood without any words.
While the news was notably disclosed in a professional, albeit mildly cheerful manner, you clearly haven't received it as well as the woman intended.
Truthfully, you were appalled at what you'd just been told.
You realize how out of line you are by questioning literal health professionals. Doctor Harris was only doing her job while offering you as much empathy as she was able. She hadn't purposely meant to send your world crashing down in the jovial way she had.
Because at this point you're lost and you don't think you're going to be found. With the way your flabber had just been gasted, you could barely even speak. By now, you weren't even sure if you were still listening to her, every word seemed to fall right out of your ears.
"I understand that this is unexpected…"
"I'm not pregnant! I can't be."
"I'm sorry but our tests shows clearly that-"
"The tests have to be wrong." You desperately attempted to reason. "I'm not pregnant. I have the implant, it's in my arm. See!" You frantically pleaded, holding your arm out for her to examine.
Seeing the frantic urgency in your expression, the woman tentatively reached out to feel the length of the appendage, fingers searching for the tiny plastic filled with hormones.
"That's strange, I don't feel any implant under the skin. Are you sure this is the right arm?"
"No, this is the right arm, I'm sure of it. I know my nurse put a new one in a few months ago."
"Hmm, unless I can get into contact with the clinic and the nurse who carried out the procedure, unfortunately we have no real way of knowing." Doctor Harris stated, pulling away.
Completely panicked, your own hand began pressing and searching the expanse of your skin where the birth control would be positioned. Only for the panic you initially felt suddenly magnified by ten when you didn't feel the thin piece of plastic beneath the skin.
Why the hell can't you find it?
There was no way the pair couldn't sense how close you were to falling into hysterics. You can literally feel the stress in your body multiplying. Throughout all this, John still hadn't said a single word and you're starting to grow more distressed by the second.
The way it all plays out almost doesn't seem real. Panic-stricken, you leaned forward slightly, using your other hand to maintain your balance on the exam bed. Your stooped posture was indicative of what you currently felt. You barely register your lover's hand pressing against your lower back, possibly as a comforting, subtle reminder that he was still present.
"But how?" You responded in a disbelieving voice.
What you're feeling is nothing but compounded shock that's steadily building on itself. That same shock has left you reeling and you feel like you're on the verge of fainting yet again.
"Don't feel bad. Some women find out they're pregnant as early as nine weeks and some don't find out until they're eventually giving birth."
"Even with different methods of contraceptives, every woman's body is different. While the implant is considered safe and longer-lasting sometimes even then, the implant isn't always a hundred percent effective. None of the contraceptives typically are."
Of course you knew that. Even before you even got on birth control. But that wasn't what you wanted to hear, you wanted to hear it wasn't what you thought it was. You wanted to hear that you weren't currently pregnant.
"Do you know how far along I am?"
"Well given the amount of HCG in your blood, I'd estimate between nine and fourteen weeks at most. A more accurate examination may be needed to be sure."
"Although it's my belief that you would've found out soon though. Generally, pregnant women start showing around twelve to eighteen weeks depending on their body. Does your stomach feel any different than before?" She asked.
With a shaking hand, you hesitantly felt along the expanse of your belly over your clothing, your breath stilling when at the strange firmness you find there. Right away, you're horrified at the hardness that was never there before. You knew then that she was telling the truth. Not even voicing your denial at this point would do nothing against that inevitable truth.
At this point, you could've been knocked over by a feather. The way your heart was beating you were sure a panic attack was imminent, pulse becoming mostly erratic.
"Do you have any more questions?"
Unfortunately, you couldn't do much but continue to look at her in muted shock, your mind in tatters.
"May I offer some advice?"
"I recommend that you take some time to consider your options and decide what's best for you. Now that you're aware, this can be a time for you to reflect, process, accept, and determine what the next steps are."
"I'm going to schedule another appointment a week from now to assess the health of the baby and do an ultrasound. Is that acceptable?"
With you barely registering what the woman was saying, John must've nodded in acknowledgement since she went back to typing something into the computer.
Afterwards, she swiveled the chair back around to face you.
"Give it time, allow yourself to think and breathe. The next steps are crucial. If you choose to continue on with pregnancy, then antenatal care is imperative to ensure that you and the baby are healthy. Or should you decide on the alternative option, we will go about it as safely as possible." She calmly explained.
The rest of the doctor's visit went by in a blur - you'd watched in a daze as the physician handed over the necessary documents and pregnancy pamphlets before sending you on your way.
The entire ride home was deathly silent.
You sat quietly in the passenger seat barely watching the obscure surroundings pass by fast due in part to your partner's driving. Although, you probably wouldn't be able to pay attention even if he minded the speed limit. Staring out into space, you're only vaguely aware of what's happening around you.
John seemed quite unchanged by the latest events while your mind was in several different places at once. To you it was as though your entire life seemed as if it had been turned upside down while he wasn't the least bit bothered - you just couldn't understand it.
Even when you both eventually pull up back to the house, you remain dimly cognizant of your surroundings. Because of this, you weren't even capable of paying much attention to Sweetface as the pooch came to greet you at the door. Your situational awareness wasn't up to par at this point either with most of your movements being made while in a trance like state of mind.
In a brief moment of clarity, you ventured towards the stairs, climbing each one passively. That destination being the master bathroom in the shared bedroom.
Once there, you dropped to your knees and began rummaging through the various contents underneath the sink cabinet. The items under the sink were in no way organized as you'd like them to be, seeing as your mental state at the time they were placed there had not given you the inclination to neatly arrange the belongings.
For a short time, you determinedly searched until you found what you'd been looking for. You pulled out an unopened pack of pads, the very same brand you remembered buying a while back before your period was supposed to start. At this point, it was nearing the middle of February. It was strange to think that they'd gone unused all this time and likely might continue to go unused for an even longer period of time. A pack of pads usually last for about two months during two regular cycles. The fact that you never opened it meant you haven't been having a period to begin with.
At that moment, it's pretty much confirmed that you hadn't had an actual period since November and the predicament you were in was substantially worse than you originally thought.
After some moments pass, you slump back on your heels, staring at the sealed pack, a number of things running through your mind.
As of now, there's several questions floating about the recesses of your mind that consequently kept rebooting like an old, dusty windows seven desktop.
How could something like this have escaped your notice?
Based on your findings, you believe you have an idea of how you came to be pregnant.
As a matter of fact, you know the exact circumstances that led to you becoming pregnant with certainty. In a span of a few seconds, the events of one specific day began to come back to you in flashes. As your brain worked to shift through memories and thoughts, your brain focused on the day of the scheduled clinic appointment a few months back; you were supposed to get your old implant replayed. You remembered so much of that day in detail except whether or not, the nurse charged with the reinsertion managed to successfully put it amidst the commotion in the hallway.
And if your memory served you correctly, you didn't actually have the heart to actually watch the previous implant get removed and a new one get put in its place. That might've been your biggest mistake in the long run. To be completely frank, you're quite disturbed at the notion that you've possibly been walking around all this time without one.
As much as you had every right to be angry with those responsible for administering the contraceptive, you just couldn't find it in yourself at the moment. Those women hadn't intentionally done this to you, it was a mere mistake on their part. Not that you were minimizing their actions, all it took was a simple mishap from them to have disastrous consequences for you.
The reality of everything hit you like a punch to the gut. What's even worse, you can't exactly say that it could've happened to anyone because it wasn't the typical slip up.
The hard truth about it was that it shouldn't have happened in the first place.
Thinking you were on birth control and coming to find out that you aren't is extremely upsetting. Having to realistically wrap your head around the fact that you'd been impregnated as a result was almost incomprehensible. Never once had you expected this to happen.
As much as you were in the right to be upset, you just can't find it in yourself to be angry with the clinic and its employees. The nurse in charge of administering the birth control to you had been concerned and distracted by the chaos happening in the hall and you couldn't fault her. It was a simple mishap - a mishap that led to the current situation but a mishap nonetheless.
From the corner of your vision, John's silhouette appeared, silently regarding your down position on the bathroom floor.
"I bought these in November…" You whisper. "I never used them."
The bathroom was unnervingly silent after that. Unsettled by it, you tilted your head back to look at him. The expression on his face is unreadable, cryptic even.
"How did this happen?"
As it stood, your life's desires mainly revolved around the vision of you living happily alongside a retired John and accomplishing the rest of your life goals. A child being thrown into the equation severely hampered the life plans the two of you made together. Whether planned or not, pregnancy brought a lot of change in a person's life and it's not a pill you intended to swallow so soon.
Not to mention the interactions with Winston and interaction with Perkins still incessantly knocking about the recesses of your mind. Between them and the threat of danger lurking about and the unaddressed concerns regarding telling him, you don't know how to properly handle this.
At first, you found it hard to understand how the hell had you been pregnant all this time and not known but your lack of awareness could be attributed to a number of factors.
Looking back, there were a variety of reasons why the signs and symptoms went undetected for so long. Aside from feeling tired all the time, the strange stomach cramps were initially associated with your menstrual cycle. Then there was the constant fatigue, the emotional reactions, suddenly having a keen sense of smell - all of them were typical pregnancy symptoms that you'd inadvertently glossed over.
You should've been paying more attention to your body in the ways that it mattered and not place emphasis on whether or not you were gaining weight in certain places. In a bizarre turn of events, the weight gain also appeared to have been a major indicator towards your changing body.
All the signs were there and yet you caught none of them. It certainly explained the sore breast and random stomach cramps that were accompanied by blood. You feel like an idiot for not noticing. Your ravenous hunger, your tiredness, the supposed weight gain - it all made sense now. Then again, you couldn't explain why your clothes had suddenly started to fit snugly around your waist.
"I just don't understand how this is even possible."
One of John's arched brows lifted sardonically. The question was obviously poised incredulously and out of shock. The two of you readily knew how your current state came to be, that was no great mystery. Everyone knows what happens when people have unprotected sex but you hadn't accounted for this. To say that there was a lot of work involved and time spent indulging in one another for you to have a child inside of you was a massive understatement.
"I went to my regular check-ups, I've been on birth control. I get my periods somewhat regularly and I was even cramping at one point."
"Did you bleed during those times?"
"I don't remember. I must've. I had to. Otherwise I would've known." With the admission. your eyes instantly began to water and your bottom lip trembled ever so slightly. "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry." You uttered.
In a short span of time, you're feeling a plethora of emotions - fear, confusion, unsureness, shame, doubt. You're barely able to keep the intense emotions at bay, taking in shaky, uneven breaths just to try and keep your composure. There's a heaviness in your chest and an ache in your throat that needs to be released. It was rather apparent that the build up of emotions and stress were taking a massive toll on you.
You wound up falling into his chest, unable to hold yourself up any longer. You wept uncontrollably, face buried in his chest. You clutched his shirt tightly, needing to ground yourself against the emotions beating down onto you. His arms fully envelop you, pulling your frame into his comforting embrace. The feel of his limbs around you was only a minor comfort however.
The man only held you close as you continued to cry until the tears no longer came out.
A single hiccup was the only warning you would get before you felt bile rush up your esophagus. Pushing the man away, you darted towards the toilets, forcefully expelling the contents of your stomach.
The sight of the multicolored vomit in the round bowl made you cry even harder. You really were pregnant if you were crying hard enough to make yourself sick. It's extremely difficult to weep and vomit simultaneously and you were almost choking just to breathe throughout.
John said nothing, merely pulling you into his arms as you continued sobbing, the man held you quietly as you sobbed and shook. From there, you completely break down, sobbing loudly in his arms. You took the phrase 'ugly cry' to a new level.
Given the way things had played out, the man appeared to have been anticipating this, patiently waiting to see how long it took before you finally broke. You've probably cried more in the past two months than you have in your entire life. You hadn't wanted to cry but the cry couldn't contain itself any longer within you and you didn't possess the strength to hold it back.
He used the calloused pad of his thumb to gently wipe away the tears streaming down your face. He continued wiping the wet tears from your face, you were allowed a few moments to collect yourself before you looked up at him once more. That very same affection was still present over his features even after your emotional breakdown.
"John…I swear…."
"Shhh…breathe. Manage your emotions and think."
"But-"
"Calm yourself. Breathe."
Despite how you felt you did as he bid, closing your eyes before inhaling and exhaling in a measured fashion in order to gather your thoughts.
Reopening your eyes, you stared into his soothing brown ones. "I'm sorry…it's just…we didn't plan for this."
"We did not…but it happened nonetheless."
A long beat of silence passed between the two of you before either of you spoke again.
"What are we going to do?"
"Nothing."
"What do you mean nothing? We just found out that I have a baby inside me, we can't just do nothing."
Rather unsurprisingly, you'd spent days wallowing in a giant cesspool that was your emotions following the discovery of the pregnancy. During this time, you barely left the bed, entering into random bouts of crying and panic attacks. All you'd been able to do was lament about your condition,
often pulling the covers over your head to avoid any type of engagement.
According to Doctor Harris, you were at least two months along going by the weeks she'd provided.
For what seemed like the hundredth time, you stood in the bedroom mirror, while your hands obsessively roamed the expanse of your stomach. It had become so much of a habit that you frequently lost track of time. By now, you turned every which way and seen just about every angle of your frame in an effort to see the change in your body. Just by looking at your midsection, you could plainly see how your lower abdomen protruded outward to the point of being barely noticeable.
Already it was hard to imagine your stomach growing larger and rounder over the coming months.
While your behavior could be seen as overacting on some level, what was the normal reaction to finding out that a tiny human being was growing inside of you?
Truth be told, you still can't believe you've been walking around pregnant this whole time.
As a matter of fact, you can barely register this as the new normal and how much you find it hard to accept this as a major life change. As if you needed any more stress piled on top of you.
Remarkably, aside from the baby bump, internally your stomach couldn't feel any different. Honestly, you're not sure how it's supposed to feel but it certainly didn't feel like a baby has made its place inside of you. Although the thought was quite disconcerting.
Before you saw him, you heard the soft clink of Sweetface's collar as he padded up to you. The dog excitedly wagged his tail, sitting back on his haunches as he waited for you to finish to give him some attention. While he'd always been receptive towards you for any sort of attention, the longer you looked down at the pooch, you're even more convinced that he was excited for an entirely different reason.
Looking back, there had been several major indicators in his behavior that should've given you pause - his choice to follow you practically everywhere in the house, his desire to be as close to you as possible, him having made the recent choice to constantly favor you over his owner.
Waddling forward, the canine placed his paws on your thighs, nudging his nose directly into your stomach, tail being to wag even harder.
"You knew all along didn't you? Why didn't you tell me?" You whispered.
Sweetface tilted his head slightly to the left as if considering your question but you doubt he actually understood what you were asking.
Sighing in defeat, you miserably opted to climb back into bed, pulling the sheets over your head. It's become your solution to everything by this point. You'd never been faced with a situation of this magnitude where you didn't know how to handle it. So you simply chose not to.
From your place under the heavy comforter, you hear John's measured gait approaching the bed.
Not long after, you immediately pick up on the aroma of hot food circulating in the air, namely the exact food you'd been craving. This prompted you to peek out from your cocoon only to catch a glimpse of your lover's thighs along with the bag hanging by his side.
"Did you get it?" You questioned.
"Yes, I did."
"A Stromboli sandwich with garlic bread with an added layer of swiss cheese and mozzarella."
"Yes."
"With extra salami?"
"Of course."
Having heard that, your hand shot out to grab the bag containing your food before dragging it into your secure hiding place made of pillows and sheets. Admittedly, the move was very hermit-like - very 'give me the ring my precious' like but you couldn't conjure up a smidgen of remorse for it. It's pretty much how you've been for days. The makeshift cocoon had been your safe place - a way to hide from the world.
This occurrence had become a regular thing for you - you made a request for food and he went out to procure it.
Hungry and eager to stuff yourself full, you paused when you realized that the man's footsteps hadn't retreated, which meant that he was still standing near the bed. The man's lingering presence indicated to you that he required something further from you - the most likely thing would be your attention. Yet and still, you waited some moments to see if he would leave.
"Milaya…"
"I know you're judging me for eating in bed."
"I am not. However, I am concerned about how long you intend to hide." He spoke in hushed tones.
"Forever." You mumbled.
"I want to see you. Come out."
"I don't want to."
You're startled when a rush of air glides over your skin and you're no longer concealed from the outside world. Thoroughly embarrassed at being exposed while preparing to scarf down a sandwich, you merely laid there staring at him.
"Sit up. We need to talk."
As much as you didn't want to admit it, he was absolutely right - the two of you were functioning adults that needed to communicate about any matters. It wasn't like not discussing it would change anything but it needed to be done at some point. Truthfully, you really wish he hadn't said anything because you had no intention of discussing it anytime soon. You weren't avoiding it, you just…didn't want to acknowledge it right at this point in time.
In spite of knowing that, you immediately did what he asked of you.
Judging by the firm tone of his voice, it was clear that he'd had enough of your mopping. In retrospect, you'd seen this coming. You'd known he'd eventually want to talk even with you actively trying to avoid doing so. As lost as you currently felt, you needed some form of rationalization regardless of what you initially felt. This isn't something that would just magically resolve itself overnight.
Deep in the midst of your despondency and self-imposed isolation, you'd failed to consider what he may be feeling during all of this. Since finding out, your paramour hadn't shown much of a reaction and you couldn't accurately gauge how he felt about it. So far, he hadn't shown any indications of being upset and he hadn't chosen to hide from the world as you did. As a matter of fact, while you lingered deep in inner turmoil he seemed to go about life normally. Yet another aspect you didn't understand.
He was looking directly at you while you were trying not to convey any nervousness under his gaze. In an attempt to keep your focus elsewhere other than him, you started unwrapping the gloriously prepared sandwich.
He lowered himself gracefully onto the bed, regarding you inscrutably for long moments before he started with the obvious question. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm hungry." You utter dismissively, biting into the layered Stromboli sandwich.
"I'm quite aware…but that's not what I'm referring to."
Chewing incessantly, you tried to pretend you hadn't heard him but the way the trained killer's eyes never left your face, it was clear that he expected some kind of answer regardless.
"I don't know." You shrugged, tapering off into complete silence and not taking your eyes from the sandwich.
"Look at me."
With your pulse racing, you met his cool, hard gaze apprehensively. Even now, just gazing into his rugged masculine features displayed a calmness that was relatively expected of him even in the most dire of circumstances.
Truthfully, you can't afford to delay any decision making on the subject. Technically, it made the most sense. It was imperative that you be upfront about any reservations you harbor about the current circumstance. Since it was decided that you could no longer put it off - this was the time to speak openly and honestly.
"I would like your honest thoughts regarding the manner and what has made you so upset."
"The truth is…I'm not really sure how I feel. I'm still having trouble believing this is real." You say, adjusting your hold and nibbling on the layered sandwich.
Truthfully, you didn't know if you wanted this. Not at all. You've never envisioned yourself being someone's worse, does it make you less of a woman or human for wanting to make the choice in the first place. There's no elation or overwhelming joy that fills your heart as you suspect it would most. In fact, the feeling is rather somber and mellow.
Not to mention, you'd also inadvertently made John an expectant father. With all this happening, it was pretty much the icing on the preverbal shit cake that life has been trying to serve you.
With that glaring thought in mind, you felt as if much of the fault lies entirely with you for how everything played out and that was partly why you felt as horrible as you did.
What will your friends and parents think? What will everyone think?
"This wasn't supposed to happen."
"What wasn't supposed to happen?"
"Me ending up like this - being pregnant." You ruefully clarified.
"No one is at fault. While it's easy to feel these emotions when placed in a situation such as this. Do not think so little of yourself to the point where you cannot accept your emotions as they are. You are not wrong for feeling as you do, it is to be expected." John's resonant baritone quietly stated.
Not that you expected any different but you're surprised that John was being very kind and understanding about the whole thing. He was giving you more grace than you saw fit to give yourself at the moment and that spoke volumes. At the very least, it gives you some comfort to know that he wasn't upset with you.
Much of your attention was split between him and the food in your hands so he promptly took the sandwich from your hand, he calmly sat it aside.
Pulling your knees up to your chest, you wrapped your arms around them and as you stared at him resolutely. "I think we need to talk about our options."
"Options?"
"The alternative options Doctor Harris was talking about."
In your eyes, clarifying options was only a formality at this point, as there was only one viable option in your opinion. As circumstances would have it, you refused to see it any other way.
"That is not necessary."
"What do you mean it's not necessary? Of course it is. Why would you say that?" You questioned, confused at the admission from him.
Your heartbeat quickened when you noticed how intensely the man's perceptive brown eyes pierced yours. It was then you were able to put two and two together.
"You want me to have the baby don't you?"
The resulting silence from your lover was as much of an answer than it was if he'd responded verbally.
Completely rattled by this, you leapt from the bed and started frantically pacing the length of the bedroom.
"John…I'm nowhere I want to be in life. I haven't even finished school and you're not even retired. Everything is backwards. I have school, a job, a life. I can't put all that on hold to be anyone's mother." You anxiously confessed.
Admittedly, claiming you had a job at this juncture was a bit of a stretch since it was very likely that you didn't have a job to go back to.
John's unyielding expression didn't change as he calmly said, "Everything will happen in its time. A child will not prevent such events from taking place."
"Yes it will! I've seen it happen before. How is this even going to work? I become a stay at home mom while I finish school or something?"
The man's brows lifted slightly at the question. "Is this something you're open to?"
You looked at him incredulously, completely shocked to hear the words leaving his mouth. As more seconds passed, it suddenly became apparent that he seemed quite open to the idea even if you weren't.
"What's really bothering me is that I feel like we're not the same page. I feel like you're not really listening to me." You accused.
"I am."
"No you're not!"
Arched a single dark brow, John inclined his raven head. "What has you so afraid Milaya?"
He wanted to know why you're so afraid - if only there was a singular reason.
Outside of the obvious, one of the main reasons was that your mind is nowhere near ready to rear a child. As a matter of fact, before all of this you were quite certain you didn't want any children at all.
Up until this point, you'd been solely devoted to working towards the future you and him had planned but with this newly occurring incident, it felt like that would be much harder to achieve.
It scares you because you don't know what the future looks like now. You hadn't intended to become pregnant with his child, at least not so soon. The idea of having a child so soon is frightening in more ways than one and you just don't feel prepared. Not to mention the guilt already eating away at you because of it.
For once, you'd like for your emotions not to cloud your judgment and way of thinking. Generally speaking, you're aware that there's quite a plethora of important factors that play into your emotions and may hinder your thought process. In this case, you want to make a decision that isn't marred by any impaired reasoning.
"Why aren't you more upset about this?!"
"What is there to be upset about?" His soft baritone reasoned.
This was very much considered a life changing for the both of you respectively. Strikingly enough, you felt as if you both wanted two different things in regards to the situation and it didn't seem as though you would be able to do or say anything to sway his judgment on the matter. If you decided to carry on with this - your life would no longer be what it once was and you didn't know if you could fully accept that.
For the sake of equal transparency, you chose not to question or disregard his reasoning even if you didn't agree with it.
"John…this is a whole other life we're responsible for."
"Are we not responsible people?"
"Are you going to keep offering a counterargument to everything I say?" You huffed in frustration.
"Are you going to keep up with excuses?" He swiftly retorted.
"What do you want from me?"
"I wish to make this transition easy for you." John expressed neutrally.
"How?"
"In whatever way you see fit. Whatever it is that you require, I will obtain." He tonelessly informed.
"You…you don't mean that." You stammered, voice nearly quivering.
He gradually rose from his place on the bed, the hitman came to stand over you.
The look in the hitman's eyes were self-evident of what he currently felt and he didn't even have to voice it. "I do."
A strange sensation gathered in the depths of your gut listening to the reticent man's calm heartfelt words. To make matters worse, his words were only adding to the raging fire that was your subconscious thoughts.
Just like you, he had a say in what would be happening considering, he played a massive part in creating the life growing inside of you.
A massive part of you felt exceedingly guilty for not embodying the spirit of a woman who was excited about the prospect of bringing life into the world. Consequently, you couldn't keep yourself from relentlessly scouring the internet for anything pregnancy related for the purpose of disproving the notion of your condition.
That raised the question of what you truly wanted and if you were making the right choice. You felt extremely put-off by the negative thoughts associated with the unborn child inside of you.
"Milaya, you have to calm down, such emotion is not good for your condition." He said, looking directly at your astonished visage with a creased brow.
Your head nearly snapped, turning to look at him. You didn't understand his response, in fact it distressed you even more.
You've had enough of emptying your tear ducts for the time being. You've cried enough tears to fill a river at this point.
It was clear that this approach wasn't working and you just had to come out and say it - rip the preverbal band-air off so to speak. Despite everything, you had to admit that the current circumstances are not in your favor no matter how you tried to look at it and it bothered you that he already sounded so resolute on the matter - as though he'd made up his mind in spite of everything else.
"John, I really don't think we should have this baby." You voiced.
"Why not?"
The statement caused your breath to catch.
What does he mean, why not?
Maybe because you'd have to change your whole life to accommodate the life growing inside of you. The relationship the two of you have will probably look and feel a lot different as separate properties will begin to take precedence.
"How are you not scared?"
"Would you like me to panic?"
"Yes!"
Long beats of silence pass and the man's expression does not shift one bit.
"What are you doing?"
"Panicking." He answered evenly.
He gazed calmly at you and there was no amusement in his expression whatsoever.
"John! What kind of-"
Truthfully, the man's reaction wasn't that surprising - it's well established by now that he doesn't show emotion the same manner in which you do. For that reason alone, there's always going to be a difference in the way you both perceive things. Despite it being the most hilarious thing he's done in a while, he shouldn't be trying to be funny at the time like this. Not when the situation required the utmost seriousness.
"John please…
Never in your life would you have thought that he would be open to the prospect of becoming a father. You don't doubt that he would probably make a good father given his caring and protective treatment of you throughout the course of the relationship.
As it stood, you had no real intention of proceeding any further with the pregnancy as your mind had already begun leaning towards the alternative option from the start. Anything besides facing the reality of the situation, the one your lover seems to be leaning towards.
You peered at him vehemently, eyes almost pleading as you uttered, "John I know how it sounds but we have to-"
He held your face in his hands, soon after soft lips were pressed tenderly against your forehead. "No."
Shock wasn't even the word to describe what you currently felt, practically rendering you immobile and stealing the breath from your lungs. There wasn't anything you could do other than stare at him, facial expression showing how extremely put off you were by what he was saying.
Holding your hand affectionately in his.
"I understand that this is jarring for you. And it doesn't help that it comes with such inopportune timing."
However, several lingering questions still remained.
Can you really handle becoming a parent at this stage in your life? Did not wanting to be a mother make you a bad person? Are you wrong to worry that this could potentially hinder the relationship and my further life plans? How can you just be expected to commit to parenthood so quickly?
Maybe somewhere down the line you might be open to the idea of becoming a mother but that certainly wouldn't be anytime soon. The timing wasn't right and you can't help but feel backed into a corner. The very fear of that responsibility is overwhelming. Practically a nightmare scenario if there ever was one. You were constantly wavering between outright panic and occasional denial. You can't pretend like your entire world hasn't been turned upside down.
His thumb grazed over the back of your hand in an entirely soothing manner whilst he spoke. The look into his wizened features made your breath stutter.
"I mean…do you even want to have a child?"
"Yes, I do."
Suddenly a charged silence fell between the two of you once more and it took you some time to summon any words to your mouth.
"What?"
"I see no reason for us not to have a child." From there, your lover's unyielding gaze locked onto yours. "I welcome any change so long as I have you. That's all that matters to me."
Naturally, John was always steadfast in accommodating your needs and offering comfort whenever you needed it. But now, it just seemed like he was determined to give you a massive heart attack with what he was saying.
"I know this is not at all what you intended. For that, I accept full responsibility. You are expected to carry a child to term and for a woman that is no small feat. I realize that I have placed a great deal of trust and responsibility on you. There is not much I request of you. I have always encouraged and allowed you to make your own decisions thus far."
"Until this point in my life, the concept of becoming a father never once occurred to me. Though recently, I feel as though I've undergone a significant change of heart."
The earnest admission from him probably wasn't expected. Just finding out that John clearly didn't share the same sentiment as you was quite the shock to the system.
The man centered a soft gaze onto you and you saw the emotion shining in them. "Hardly do I ever ask anything of you but I found that this particular instance warrants an exception."
"I would like you to become the mother of my child." He states with a level-headed assurance.
Time felt as if it had stopped at that moment.
At the unexpected revelation, your eyes widened, heart was beating so fast you worried that he could possibly hear it. They were the words of a man who was already set on the idea of becoming a father and not readily open to consider any other options.
"But why?" You whispered.
"It wasn't so long ago that you promised your love and devotion to me, you promised to trust and place your faith in what it is we've built together. So tell me, what about this situation changes that? It's my belief that creating a family has become a common marker of normality. Is it not something most would covet?"
Your heart fluttered wildly when you realized what he was asking - the hired gun was asking you to bearing his child. The idea that this man who literally made a career from being a professional killer was willing to become a devoted, supportive father to his unborn child was unimaginable.
How could you deny him?
"What about your work?" You tried to reason. "What about the other contracts you have to finish?"
"None of that matters, I only care about you and the life we're made." He plainly states, one of his hands coming to rest gently over your stomach. "Nothing will change between us. If it is assurance you want, I will offer it to you. If it is protection and security, I will readily provide it with every fiber of my being. I am willing to become everything you need for you and this child."
All of a sudden, you're trying to hold it together and not cry on the spot. You've already been doing a lot of stress crying and it's been extremely exhausting. Maybe it's because of the change in the emotions amplified by pregnancy hormones, it was hard to think logically at this point.
What could you honestly say after that? What assortment of words could you offer up after the man's sincere declaration? None that could faultlessly impart any general response you might have at the moment.
From there, your significant other brings your hand to his mouth where he gently kisses the back of the appendage. Absolute silence filled the room thereafter and you could only blink at him in muted shock.
Even with your lover's support, you're struck dealing with the undeniable truth weighting on your heart.
"What happens now?" You say, staring up at him.
"We adapt and prepare for what's to come." He informed you in a toneless voice.
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