LATER

When Jason came in late one night, he was surprised to find Jeremy sitting in Da's chair.

""Aren't you supposed to be in bed?" he asked quietly. "You have school in the morning."

Jeremy shrugged.

Jason hung up his coat and took off his boots. He picked the boy up out of the chair, and sat them both in it. "Has something happened?" He glanced towards their father's bed. Da was lightly snoring, so – that was good. "Did you have a fight with Josh?"

Jeremy shook his head.

"A bad dream?"
Jeremy hesitated, and tears started running down his face although he was in no way – no other way – crying.

Jason was alarmed. "You're going to have to help me, little one. I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong."

Jeremy swallowed hard, took a deep breath, shook his head, and said. "Can't."

"You can't help me? Or I can't help you?"

"Uh-huh." He nodded once, and leaned his head into Jason's shoulder.

Jason took the moment to think. While he was thinking, he noticed a couple of things. First, that the tears had stopped. Next, that the snoring had stopped. A glance at the bed showed him that Da had wakened but was keeping silent. He couldn't tell from where they were sitting if Joshua was awake, too, but he wouldn't be surprised. Josh was hyper-vigilant these days.

Jeremy stirred. "D-you m-member, Jason when I was little an when I sat on your lap I c-could hear your heart b-beating? Da, too."

"I remember."

"I'm too big now."

"Mmm. You fit pretty well right where you are. I'm comfortable. Aren't you?"

Jeremy nodded, and shed a few more tears.

Jason waited. He could almost feel this brother pulling his thoughts together and trying to put them into words. As tired as he was, and as impatient, he knew that if he tried to rush things, they'd have to start the process all over again. So he waited.

"When after we went to bed, Da was t-talk-kin' to Mama. You know how-how-how he d-does."

"I do."

Jeremy sniffed. "Only I c-coulden see her."

While Jason was trying to figure out how to respond to that, Jeremy added. "In my head," he explained. "Not for real. Cause if it was for real, w-with m-my eyes, then I - I- I –" This time with the tears were deep silent sobs. "I d-don't – c-can't m-member." He cried hard, then shook his head. "Am I bad?"

"No. No, Jeremy. You're not bad. Just – young. Then and now."

"Tha's no 'scuse."

"Whoa, there, boy. There's a difference between an excuse and a reason. Now, you be quiet a minute and let me find some words. The right words."

"You hafta think of words?"

"Hush."

Ason rubbed the boy's back as he tried to think. The problem was, he was having too many thoughts. His heart was breaking for the boy, and his mind was amazed that Da had been thinking on this same subject. That had to be some kind of parenting instinct, because he sure didn't have it! And what could that be to this boy's future? He'd have to learn it he supposed, and hoped it could be done without disaster.

"Tell me about her, Jeremy."

Jeremy sat up again. "Mama? Why? Don't you 'member, either?"

"Just tell me what you can."

"She singed and laughed and played and smelled good and – and all sorts of stuff."

"Sounds to me like you remember her pretty well." Some thought was poking him, but he couldn't pin it down. Something he'd already said.

"But I can't see what she looks like. Only parts."

"Parts?"

"I 'member her hair, all long an' straight and shiny, an' like it was no color and every color, all sunshiny. An' her smile, an' her teeth. And her eyes is blue like all of ours. And her voice. But I can't see her. I c-can't m-make it all into one face. In my head. In my rememberies."

Jeremy leaned back into his brother and yawned.

"One of these days, boy, you may out-talk us all. You're not too bad with words yourself, when your brother gives you time to think."

Jeremy giggled at that, and rubbed his face against Jason's shirt.

"Not remembering isn't the same thing as forgetting, Jeremy. You remember her very well. The things she did with you, the way she talked and sang and played. You may have forgotten some details, but you still remember your mother. You remember the love, and that feeling will never go away, even if all the details do."

"But I want to."

"Memories are funny things, young 'un. What if your memory kept what she looked like and forgot everything else about her? Do you think you'd like that better?"

"Why can't I 'member everything?"

"Like Da? You see how hard that has been on him." Jason rubbed the boy's back more slowly. "Hold onto the good happy memories and let the others go."

" 's not fair," Jeremy mumbled.

"It's how things are."

"Why?" he snuggled closer.

Jason laughed softly. "That's a conversation for another day." He kissed his brother's hair and thought about getting the two of them to bed. He didn't want to get up, and he half-laughed to himself and stretched out his legs.

It wouldn't be the first time the two of them spent the night in a chair, and probably not the last.

He hoped not, anyway.