"You're back!" Audry sounded surprised. Alex flushed pink as he walked into the waiting room and kept his eyes glued to the floor. He sat in the same spot they had last week. Ben was right behind him, this time with a book instead of a newspaper. He supposed her surprise was fair. He had all but fled last session. And he had been very on the fence about coming back. Ben would've let him skip. But he knew the soldier was floundering, unsure what to do or how to help. He didn't want to be more of a burden than he already was. This past week had been rough enough with nightmares almost every night. Sometimes multiple in a night.
"Are you required to be here? What'd you do?"
"Alex is not required to do anything he doesn't want," Ben spoke up, sitting down next to him and thumbing to whatever page he'd left off on.
"You could speak for yourself you know," Audry said to Alex, curiously gently. "What happened? Someone said you left early." Alex just shrugged, wincing as she sat down on the other side of him. "You could talk to me if you want. I won't judge." Audry waited expectantly and Alex studied her from the corner of his eye, unwilling to make direct eye contact just yet. He was luckily saved from having to answer by Caroline.
"Alex, I'm ready for you!" Alex nodded to no one in particular and stood up.
"Alex?" Audry called. Alex froze half way to Caroline. He didn't turn around and apparently he wasn't expected to. "I'm glad you're back." She finished. Alex nodded again and walked out of the waiting room with Caroline.
"How was your week Alex?" Caroline asked as she led him back to her office. Alex shrugged. This time when he sat down in her office, it was on the farthest side of the couch away from her. He hugged a pillow reflexively as she sat in the same chair on the left side of the couch. "That bad, huh?" She asked, frowning. Alex still didn't respond. He didn't know what to say or what she might want to hear. He felt like he wasn't making any progress. In fact, he felt like he was slipping backward. Breathe in, hold, breathe out.
"Did you have any nightmares this week?" Alex felt his breathing stutter. Breathe in, hold, breathe out. "It would be normal if you did, Alex. I would expect it after our discussions last session." Alex nodded quickly, focusing all his energy on keeping his breathing steady.
"Yes to nightmares? We don't have to talk about what they were about but can you tell me how often?" Breathe in, hold, breath out. Breathe in, hold, breathe out.
"Every night." Alex said in a small voice. He could feel the tears pricking in the corners of his eyes. He didn't want to cry. He was supposed to be getting better. Caroline had told him he was making progress. He didn't want to let her down. Or Ben.
"Do you want to talk about them?" Caroline asked. Alex shook his head quickly. He absolutely DID NOT want to talk about what he saw or what he did in those nightmares. What he let people do to him. No!
"It's okay," Caroline soothed. Making a placating gesture. "Do you draw them? You don't have to show me," she added quickly. Alex nodded. "That's good Alex. You need to process. It's far from comfortable, I know. And I'm sure it must feel like you're moving backwards right now. But this is all part of healing." Alex nodded. He wasn't sure what other response to give.
"I'm actually really proud of you for coming back. I wasn't sure I'd see you today."
"I don't wanna feel like this anymore," Alex mumbled.
"Like what? Can you describe it?" Alex shrugged. He couldn't find the right words.
"Scared," he murmured finally. "All the time. And like a burden. I know Ben got stuck with me and he doesn't know what to do." The tears that had been threatening to fall finally spilled over. He wiped them away quickly but Caroline noticed anyway. He couldn't hide anything from her. Not like he could with K-unit. All he had to do with them was fake a smile every once in a while and watch the relief spread over their faces, thinking he was getting better. He could even trick Ben, though it took slightly more effort and overall stubbornness. But Caroline always saw him. And Audry too, oddly enough. She just seemed to know what he was thinking. Though in some respects it made perfect sense. She was like him. Except she was normal. She went to school. She probably had friends. She wasn't afraid of everything. Not like him.
"What are you thinking about?" Caroline murmured, and Alex realized he had fallen silent, lost in his thoughts.
"I want to go to school," Alex blurted suddenly. He wasn't sure where the idea had come from but he didn't take it back. If Audry could do it, so could he.
"Alex, are you sure you're ready for that?" Caroline asked gently. "I think you are feeling a lot of shame and guilt right now and you are trying to push yourself too hard. It's okay to not be okay. Everything you're feeling right now is normal after what you've experienced." Alex shook his head.
"I want to. If Audry can do it I can. I don't wanna be a burden anymore." He stared stubbornly at the floor upon seeing her expression of pity.
"Alex, no one thinks you're a burden. I promise. All they want is to help you. And you shouldn't compare yourself to other people. Everyone heals differently. Besides, you don't know where Audry's been or how long it may have taken her to get where she is."
"I still want to try," Alex mumbled. "I want to be normal again." Desperately.
"Okay. Let's compromise then. The school year is half over. And you're going to need a tutor to catch up with your peers. Work with a tutor over the summer and keep coming to see me and we'll re-evaluate in August. When the new school year starts."
Ben was blown away when Alex came to him and suggested a tutor. "Are you sure?" He asked hesitantly.
"Why does everybody keep asking me that?" Alex mumbled frustratedly. "Nobody thinks I can do it?"
"Whoa, whoa. I'm sure you can do it! I'm just not sure where this is coming from, that's all," Ben reassured, palms up in surrender. "Have you talked this over with Caroline?"
"Yes," Alex murmured, arms crossing protectively in front of him. Ben recognized the motion for what it was. Alex was on guard.
"And she cleared you?" Ben asked. Alex scoffed.
"So she needs to clear me? Like I'm a soldier going back to active duty?" Alex challenged.
"Alex, you know that's not what I meant. I'm not trying to attack you here," Ben sighed, confused. "I just want to know what she thought of the idea. If she thinks you can handle it then I think you can handle it. I'm not an expert. I'm just treading water here."
"We made a deal," Alex offered cryptically. "I just want to go back to normal."
"Ok," Ben said, dropping the clearly touchy subject. He made a mental note to call Caroline to see what she could clear up. "I'll look into it." Alex slipped off to his room, clearly still frustrated about something while Ben started dinner. He was making a crispy chicken dish.
"Hello." Caroline picked up on the second ring. She must have been near the phone, Ben mused.
"Hey Caroline. It's Ben." He could practically hear her nodding from the other side.
"I thought I might be getting a call from you. Is this about the tutor?"
"Yeah. Any clue where that idea came from?" Ben asked.
"Alex wants to go back to school. I have my reservations about that but he is adamant so we made a deal."
"Alex is hard to say no to." Ben smiled as he put the vegetables he planned on roasting into the oven.
"He certainly is," Caroline huffed.
"Do you know what made him want to go back?" Ben had his suspicions but he wanted it confirmed.
"I think he's feeling a little useless. Guilty maybe. Like he's a burden. I also think he's pushing himself too hard too fast without much consideration for his emotions which could come back to bite him. Which is why we decided to do a tutor as a trial run with the added bonus that it might help him catch up a little to his peers."
"Alex has never really been one to wait around," Ben assured her. "Previously, I had thought it was just with physical injuries. I hadn't realized it was with mental ones too."
"He's running Ben," Caroline warned. "But he'll have to face those emotions eventually."
"Well, it's certainly lit a fire under him," Ben mused.
"What do you mean?" Caroline asked.
"He's been a little worked up since he got home. Defensive. And of course I say all the wrong things."
"I'm sure it wasn't you Ben. Don't take on that burden. Not everything's your fault. What did he say?"
"He was going off about how nobody believed he could go back to school and how he was frustrated that he had to be cleared quote 'like a soldier going back on active duty' unquote."
"Sounds like he's insecure," Caroline offered. "We're his two main supporters, who he goes to for comfort and reassurance, and we both voiced reservations. I'm sure it feels like an attack or a betrayal." Ben winced. He had guessed as much.
"Noted. Guess I should be a little more careful with my words. I'll let you go. Thanks Caroline."
"Sure. See you guys next week!" Ben hung up and put the chicken in the oven. He turned around to set the timer on the stove and was startled to see Alex standing in the doorway of the kitchen.
"Alex!"
"Making sure my story checked out huh?" Alex suggested coolly, eyes glittering.
"That's not what I was doing," Ben defended. "I was just worried. I thought Caroline might be able to help. I ask for her advice sometimes."
"Well sorry I'm so hard to deal with!" The teen shot back, turning on his heel.
"Alex, I never said that! Why are you so angry all of a sudden?" The teen didn't stop and Ben found himself following the kid down the hall only to get a door slammed in his face. "Alex I don't like talking through a door," The soldier chided.
"Maybe I don't want to talk!" There was a distinct water tone to the voice.
"You never want to talk," Ben mumbled. He jumped back as the door flew open.
"Audry goes to school! You never question if she's able to do it. Only me!" Ben blinked. Alex's eyes widened at his own audacity but he didn't back down.
"How do you know Audry goes to school?" Ben asked, taken aback.
"She comes in her uniform. It's got a logo on the left? You didn't notice?" The blonde mumbled. Ben shook his head. "Typical SAS."
"Hey! I was MI6 for a bit! She just wasn't a threat!" Ben grinned.
"What are you smiling for?" Alex asked, suddenly looking self conscious. His gaze dropped back to the floor. Ben felt his smile falter.
"Nothing, you just felt like your old self again for a minute. Complete with sass and all. I missed it." Alex didn't respond. "Are you coming to dinner?" Ben asked gently. The boy shook his head, clearly lost in thought. "Alright, I'll make you a plate and leave it in the fridge for later. And Alex?" Ben waited until the blonde looked up. "I would be happy to find you a tutor."
A/N: Hey all! Hope you're still with me. Sorry for the long waits. Please favorite and leave a review! You guys keep me going! 3
