21 - Awaking to Misery

~*Jolinar*~

~Year 1, Month 2, Day 7~

"I do not mind their affection towards you," I say as I sit down.

Amb blushes, but he doesn't retreat.

"We are all hurting. I do not wish to see your small comforts denied."

"With your husbands."

"I have not given up on them in such regard…though not at your expense. Regardless, they love you, and I will not deny them their happiness."

Amb takes her hand gently.

"You would be interested in me?"

"More love." Amb smiles. "And you are quite beautiful."

"She is."

"Of course, Samantha is also beautiful, and I have told her as such, but I meant you."

I smile.

~Year 1, Month 2, Day 9~

I wake up very sore, and for a second, confused.

"Jolinar." Martouf sits near me, and I feel his gentle hands stroke Samantha's hair.

I'm in scratchy clothes. A prison gown and nothing else. I miss her old clothes. I feel so vulnerable in this. I turn to my side, wincing, then move to lay my head in his lap.

"The Jaffa?" Martouf asks as he rubs her back.

"Yes."

"After returning you, they took Malek."

I look to him, seeing fresh marks on his face and arms. "They hurt you."

"Lantash is healing me," he replies dismissively.

I work on waking Samantha.

"How badly did they hurt you?" Martouf asks.

"I cannot answer that without Samantha's approval."

He nods, then helps me sit up. He winces softly, but still holds me close.

I blink back tears. "What did I wake to? Rosha and Faron are gone. This misery. In a host that fears me, and I can't remember why. Watching my husbands suffer?"

He kisses me gently. "I'm fine. I'm more worried about you and Samantha."

"Being used to being raped is not fine," I reply bitterly.

His expression hardens.

"I'm sorry." I caress his cheek gently, realizing I hurt him. "I'm still getting used to…this. All of this."

"Then let me focus on you and Samantha."

I give him a small smile. "Alright. I suppose that's fair, but know that I am here if you need us."

He smiles.

I retreat as Samantha awakens.

"Martouf…" She says stiffly.

I help her to keep from crying, though I assure her that there is no shame in tears.

Martouf retreats, mistaking her tone as fear of him.

"No. It wasn't him." She takes Lantash's hand.

They want to know what the Jaffa did to us, I think.

She shakes her head. "The injuries should tell you what was done to me…us."

"You lost a lot of blood."

She nods. "Is Pete watching for Malek?"

"For now."

She sighs, feeling my sadness and anger. I'm sorry you revived to this.

I revived because we are here, I reply with mixed feelings. I'd give my life again if she didn't have to suffer this. I'd give my life for Martouf and Lantash to be whole again. I can't imagine how I would live if Netu had taken Rosha's mind.

Sam feels uncomfortable.

I'm sorry. Those were bad memories. I'll do my best to keep them from you.

I already know.

I'm sorry.

And…they know.

My beloveds? I ask as I squirm uncomfortably.

Rescue mission. They had to know how you escaped, and that lead to…exactly how.

I squirm.

I'm sorry.

Did you at least rescue whomever was to be rescued?

My dad.

And Selmak, who were obviously rescued since they are still alive. Their lives are worth it then.

"How long as Malek been gone?" Sam asks.

"He was taken this morning. He won't be returned until at least tomorrow, but I have Pete watching in case they are unpredictable."

"What if Pete is attacked because you aren't there?"

"Then I'll kill those who harm him."

"How would you know who did?"

"The groups tell on each other…because if they don't, I will kill all the leaders."

We both flinch to that. I know that he must have had to do that, but to speak of killing so casually. They are not the men I fell in love with.

"Allowing such a transgression to pass only invites more attacks."

"I understand." She retreats, though she didn't really mean to. She's still learning. They probably suffered more than we'll ever know.

I nod slightly in response, but it still breaks my heart.

You miss Rosha. She picks up on it, despite my best efforts.

I begin crying.

"Jolinar?" Martouf says in concern.

"Rosha," is all I can manage.

He holds me close.

I'm sorry.

Displaying deep love for a previous host doesn't hurt me. You make me miss her, and I didn't even know her.

From Samantha, all I feel is love for my mates, encouragement, and a need to understand me. That includes a need to know Rosha.

I wish you could have met Rosha. She would have loved to know you.

Maybe she does.

That makes me smile. Samantha, I'm sorry I hurt you.

That doesn't mean much when you don't truly know what you have done.

I wilt.

But…you gave your life for mine, and that means a lot.

I don't remember.

But I do, and if nothing else, your memories helped me save my father…and Selmak.

I would not hesitate to die for her.

In a strange way, you did.

That makes me smile. Did you get to know Saroosh?

No. Not really.

She was wonderful. Brilliant. Strong. Compassionate. You remind me of her. I guarantee that you remind Selmak of her.

Is that bad?

No. At first, it probably hurt, I admit. After years have passed, after she's had time to mourn, it brings happiness. We deliberately do things later be reminded of specific hosts. Cats will always remind me of Rosha. It hurts now. It…it just hurts.

Sam rubbed me.

In time, should we survive this mess, I will welcome all reminders of her.

~*Selmak*~

There was a message from the Tok'ra, but it was far too dangerous to read.

Probably that Zar knows he has a spy.

Yeah. We figured that out a couple of weeks ago. He's been closing in on us ever since, and it's too dangerous to withdrawal. That's why I don't dare open the message.

Fortunately for us, a Goa'uld finds it. It's encoded, so he can't read it. That puts Zar right on his tail though, and he disappears soon after. Funny enough, Zar gives us the job of decoding it.

I almost laugh when I read it.

"What was the message?" Zar asked as the other Goa'uld is gasping at his feet.

"That you know he is a Tok'ra."

The other Goa'uld breaks after a day. No. He isn't a Tok'ra, but he was stealing from him…so Zar is back on my tail. Sort of. He still suspects that this Goa'uld was Tok'ra.

Gee, a whole day to relax, Jacob thinks, not that we can ever actually relax.

~+~+~.

I'm summoned, and as I approach, I smell decay. It's a combination of greasy body odor, old blood, and filth. I know the scent well. He has brought up a prisoner.

"Someone new, my lord?" I ask. I know better, but hope that Zar will give me information. On the prisoner, I notice scars under bruised skin and dirty rags. The prisoner seems barely conscious. He's kneeling unsteadily. His breath is ragged.

"No, but he is not forthcoming."

So he thinks the man has information.

"Creeva Goa'uld," the prisoner cusses angrily.

Amb?!

Well, he's alive, Jacob thinks.

I feel guilty for having not immediately recognized him. He's so beaten, so bloodied and filthy.

"Death to you all!" His tone is so hateful that I wonder if he didn't recognize me. He spits on my shoes and glares with pure disgust.

Zar brings the pain stick on him, and he cries out.

I cannot react. I hate this, but I absolutely cannot react.

Amb tries to get up a bit after, and he coughs up blood, and that worries me. Malek must be very weak.

"Let's try…an old trick." He gestures. "Shak'l."

The Jaffa approached a pot, and I hear bubbling. When he opens a lid, I smell oil. He and another Jaffa bring it closer, then Shak'l hands a ladle to Zar.

Amb jerks when he notices the oil.

"Remove his clothes."

Amb simply closes his eyes.

He's afraid, Jacob thinks in worry.

Zar moves towards the pot as Amb is stripped.

"I will tell you nothing," Amb growls.

Zar ladles up some boiling oil, then approaches. Amb lowers his face downward and covers his head and neck.

The Jaffa take delight in his screams as the oil is slowly poured over him…except Shak'l. I notice that he is sternly looking besides Amb to look like he's watching.

Even after Zar stops, Amb writhes for several minutes. He stared blankly at the ceiling, and only the slightly movement in his chest tells me that he still lives.

"Tell me…just one planet. One planet that the Tok'ra use."

Amb looks to Zar, but says nothing.

"You know that the oil treatment can become much more…personal."

Amb looks away, accepting his fate.

There is nothing I can do, and I honestly don't know if it's a test or not. I am seriously worried I am going to watch them tortured to death.

Again.

After over an hour, another Goa'uld walks in. A stranger, but Amb gives a performance, subtly reacting as if he recognizes him.

Oh, he's good. I'm not even sure I would have had the mind for this after such torture.

The Goa'uld is shot immediately, and Amb reacts in fear and regret.

Zar laughs. "You fool! You gave him away."

I see Amb finally let himself release all the tears he has been holding back.

Then Zar tortures him until he loses consciousness.

~+~+~.

I kneel down soon after he is taken.

"My lord, I would like to punish the prisoner myself."

"Why?"

"He spit on my shoes," I reply with disgust.

"He's unconscious."

"I will force him to wake." That gives me an excuse to bring in a healing device.

"Very well."

~+~+~.

He looks dead. I kneel down. There's blood under him. I run the healing device over Malek, finding he is unconscious, and it appears he has been for hours. The idea that Amb suffered alone makes my heart ache.

I begin healing him. I wish I could clean him. He must be miserable.

He probably doesn't care anymore, Jacob says.

More healing, and I cringe when I confirm that he has been raped.

He's so weak that it takes almost an hour before he stirs.

"We are free to talk. If Zar listens, he'll hear what I want him to hear." Which is already recorded screams of Amb.

He opens his eyes.

"Malek will wake soon," I assure him.

He takes comfort in that, though he is too weak to reply.

~+~+~.

"Sel…"

It's been half an hour since he woke.

"…mak."

Barely able to talk, and he still makes a point to not shorten my name. That's dedication.

"The prison. How bad is it?" I knew it was bad for most.

"They…fear us." He closes his eyes. "Must kill to…"

"To survive. I'm not surprised."

He nods. "Sa…"

I sit him up and help him drink water. He struggles. He closes his eyes after, breathing heavily.

"Samantha."

My heart freezes. "She's in the prison?" I ask with fear.

No! No! No! No! Jacob cries out within. If that bastard touched her, I'm going to kill him!

Amb nods. His eyes are still closed.

Ask him.

She wouldn't want-

I have to know!

"Has Zar hurt her?"

Amb doesn't reply, and I don't know if he doesn't want to answer or if he is losing consciousness again. I try healing him again, but it's pushing his body. I stop. I could kill him if I keep it up.

Jacob is filled with dread. Fuck the mission. We are getting her out of there.

I entirely agree with him, but I have no idea how. We can't even leave safely, let alone go on a rescue mission.

"He…has not."

Jacob and I feel relieved.

"Others have."

"In prison?"

"She is…under…our…

"Protection?"

Bless them, Jacob thinks, thankful for Amb and Malek.

He nods. "Three Jaffa."

"I think I know who that is. The leader is Fin'ar?"

He makes the smallest nod. "Ye…"

"They are going to disappear. Amb. You have to hold on. Zar is watching me. I can't make my move yet, but I will get you out of there."

We have no idea if he heard any of that.

~Year 1, Month 3, Day 6~

~*Lantash*~

After being gone for about three weeks, Amb returned much worse than usual, and he's now mostly been unconscious for four days. I have given him what broth I can.

"How's Martouf?" Sam asks, as Martouf has been in retreat since Amb was taken.

"He's worried. Amb is very weak, and we don't know if Malek is awake." I making more broth out of jerky and dried vegetables. Amb needs calories, but I haven't been able to get him to eat anything.

Sam checks his wounds. "Lantash," she says in alarm.

I rush over and see that one of his burns is infected. I gasp audibly. I have never seen that on a Tok'ra before.

We both begin working on the wound immediately.

~+~+~.

It's three more days before I see those beautiful eyes.

Sam kneels by him. "We thought we lost you."

"Malek has had to fix many injuries." His voice is rough and soft. "He had to prioritize."

I sit by him, then quietly hand Sam my main knife before giving Martouf control. He smiles gently, then gives Amb a soft kiss.

Amb doesn't really respond, but he enjoys it. "I am now cured." He looks to Sam to say something, but then sees Pete in the room. He goes to sleep instead.