Gandalf: …but anyway, I'm sure that's the last we'll be hearing of Sauron. But enough about us, what have you been up to?
Elrond: We're still cleaning up after your friend's dworgy.
Bilbo: Wait, that was nearly a year ago. How is it taking that long?
Elrond: So you admit that they're your friends?
Bilbo: …well, not Ori…
Gandalf: But once again Elrond, we thank you for your generous hospitality.
Elrond: You threatened to nuke my house. I'm not exactly happy about that.
Bilbo: Maybe this will cheer you up *hands Elrond a pile of gold*
Elrond: The fuck's this for?
Bilbo: You said I'd pay for damages, so I did.
Elrond: Huh…didn't expect you to actually do it.
Bilbo: How much more is there to do anyway? Everything looks to be fixed.
Elrond: Elladan, switch on the blacklight.
Elladan: Yes father *flicks a switch, and the entire hall is suddenly glowing*
Bilbo: *seeing that he was sitting in a glowing chair* …I think we should go.
Gandalf: *whose chair requires sunglasses to look at* I agree.
*a little later*
Bilbo: Hey, I remember this place. This is where we got captured by those trolls.
Gandalf: How do you know that?
Bilbo: Well, I mean, they're still here *indicates the three statues*
Gandalf: Huh, so they are. Well, let's keep going.
Bilbo: Didn't we bury some treasure here on the way out?
Gandalf: You already got a couple of chests of gold, what more do you need?
Bilbo: Look, we all saw what happened at Rivendell, I think I need a little more compensation after that.
Gandalf: *sigh* Fine. But I think you're just being greedy.
Bilbo: Listen, after the shit you dragged me through, I don't give a flying fuck what you think of what I'm being. Now, load up the already overloaded pony, so I can finally go home.
*in The Shire*
Bilbo: Finally, after over a year, I'm back.
Gandalf: Really? It feels like only five months.
Bilbo: To the readers, maybe.
Gandalf: Let's do this again sometime.
Bilbo: NOPE…wait, what's happening over at my house?
Auctioner: And now, for Lot 278, Bilbo's dining table and chairs.
Lobelia: Half a buck.
Auctioner: SOLD for half a buck.
Bilbo: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!
Auctioner: Oh…hi…
Bilbo: Did you people think I was fucking DEAD?!
Lobelia: In our defence, no-one's seen you in over a year.
Bilbo: And that makes it okay?
Lobelia: …maybe?
Auctioner: Actually, legally it needs to have been seven years.
Lobelia: Shut up, you're not helping.
Auctioner: I'm not here to help, I'm here to sell off a dead man's things. Something I can't do now because he's alive.
Lobelia: …then that means…
Auctioner: Everyone, give back your shit. The guy's alive.
Otho: Does that mean we have to give the couch back?
Bilbo: Yes, you have to… *remembers what happened to it* Actually, you keep it.
Lobelia: Damn right. By the way, did you have to spill so much yoghurt on it?
Bilbo: …yes…that's absolutely what it is…
Narrator: And so, Bilbo finally returned home after his time away, much to the dismay of the Sackville-Bagginses, who really wanted his nice hole…don't take that out of context. They also didn't like that he was filthy rich now from an unknown source, and that the silverware they stole from him was mysteriously vanishing back to his house. And that, my friends, concludes the story of Bilbo Baggins.
Balin: Hey, what about that scene at the end where me and Gandalf visit him to tell him what's going on back at Erebor?
Narrator: Not important. We're done. Goodbye.
Author's note: You heard the Narrator. That's it. The Hobbit Abridged is done. Thank you all so much for reading this. I'll do the Lord of the Rings Abridged at some point as well, but for now I'm going back to the thing most of you have been waiting for me to get back to: Harry Potter Abridged. I know you've been wanting it, it's dominating the poll on my profile (which you can still vote in to choose my next fanfic, by the way). Anyway, thanks again, and I'll see you in the next one.