Shit. Fuck. Shitty fucking fuck.
"Oh, honestly, Roman, you're being such a Dramatic about this." Logic said as he drove Roman off to a torture facility where they will torture him.
"Well, maybe I am a Dramatic." Roman muttered, looking out the window of the passenger seat. He had his knees tucked up against his chest, cramped into the smallest ball he could manage. He picked at his nails, and avoided Logic's judgemental glances.
"You don't get it." He grumbled. "You've never done this."
"Yes, I have." Logic said in that stupid tone that means 'I'm smarter than you'. "Everyone takes a diagnosis test at some point."
"Not like this." Roman grumbled.
Logic sighed and said, "Please, just be agreeable with the doctors."
"Agreeable." Roman repeated, feeling the bitterness and distrust grow inside him. He knew he shouldn't be mad at Logic - he was doing what Roman had asked him to. But he didn't know Logic would actually do it!
Logic was quiet for so long Roman thought they weren't going to speak for the rest of the ride. So Roman jumped a little when Logic spoke, even though his voice carried a gentleness Roman could feel. He remembered the sensation of Logic's touch on his skin, warm and firm.
"What has you so bothered?" He asked.
Roman bit his cheek and glared down at his imperfect nails. He finally relented and said, "I have a lot of Bad qualities, Logan."
Logic glanced at him quickly, but stayed quiet. The road was relatively empty. Most people would still be at work for the day. Roman liked having Logic drive him around. He was too pretty to drive himself.
"I'm not like you or Patton." Roman said, his voice dipping quieter. He squeezed his fists tight, pressing his wrists hard against his knees. "I made Remus."
"Oh." Logic said, a sadness dragged his shoulders down. He said, "Oh, Roman."
"Don't tell the others!" Roman sat up as fast as he could with the seat belt tangled around him. He shook his head, "I can't be like them!"
"Roman!" Logic said sternly, and Roman silenced himself. His face felt hot with embarrassment, his heart jackhammering in his chest. God, he must look like such a Virgil.
Logic collected himself before he spoke again, exhaling heavily through his nose a few times. Then he said, "There is nothing wrong with being a Negative."
Roman whispered, "You know that's not true."
"Roman."
"Logan!"
Logic sighed. "I understand the concern… however… don't you see how your perspective is no different than those that hate Negatives?"
"What? No, I don't hate Negatives." Roman said. "I just don't want to be one."
"Hm." Logic chewed his lip and drove for a while. Finally he asked, "What would be so bad about being Negative?"
Roman didn't have to think before he said, "No one would like me!"
Logic let out a small sigh-laugh that made Roman feel like he answered incorrectly. He said, "I doubt a simple change in title would affect-"
Roman rolled his eyes and grumbled, "That's what you think."
"I wouldn't see you any differently." Logic said, firmly.
Roman was only half joking as he said, "So you already see me badly."
"No! No, I simply meant-" Logic grew flustered instead of annoyed, and it was enough for Roman's mood to shift into reluctance.
"I know, Specs." Roman murmured. He had to look away to keep from smiling. Logic was earnest, and it warmed Roman's frozen heart. "But I'm not stupid. I know what that would do for me."
Logic shifted in his seat.
"I don't think I'm an Illness." Roman shook his head, pressing back against the headrest.
"What do you think you are?" Logic asked.
"An asshole." Roman muttered.
Logic clicked his tongue. "Perhaps, but it's not a diagnosis title."
Roman snorted. "What do you think I am?"
"Sometimes you remind me of Virgil's coworker."
"The short one?"
"No, Elliot, you id-" It was then he saw Roman's grin, and realized he was joking.
Roman's smile faded as he said, "Well, there you go. Aren't they Negative?"
Logic gave him a sad smile and sighed. He changed lanes and said quietly, "It's just a word, Roman."
Roman looked out the window. A build board they passed advertised a Negative-free restaurant the next town over. His chest grew cold as he whispered, "I don't think it is…"
The air felt heavy and Roman didn't like how small the car became. He wanted to get out, away from the conversation, but he couldn't. The doctor was still fifteen minutes away and Roman couldn't sit in silence for that long.
"Remy is Established." Roman said. The car swerved a little as Logic jerked in reaction to the news. He quickly corrected himself and apologized under his breath. Roman barely reacted to the car. "I haven't told anyone."
Logic blinked rapidly, and said, "I'm so sorry."
Roman looked up, surprised. He didn't think he would be understood so quickly. Logic glanced over at him and shrugged.
"I'm sure you didn't want it to end like that." He said.
Roman nodded and went back to looking at his fingernails. He thought of how he used to hold Remy's hand, and how he never could again.
"Please don't tell anyone." Roman said. "I don't want their pity. I just want the topic to die."
He flinched at his own choice of words. But Logic didn't comment on it, he just nodded and said, "Of course." Then, "Do you know his new name?"
Roman shook his head. He crossed his arms and said, "I don't want to."
"Very well." Logic said, quietly. "Let me know if there's any way I can help provide closure."
"Thanks, but that's what got me in trouble to start with." Roman muttered. Janus still avoided looking him in the eye.
"You're not in trouble." Logic said, with noted exhaustion. "It was just kind of a dick move to lead Janus on and then reject him like that."
"I didn't mean to reject him." Roman said, feeling extremely pathetic. "I'm just a selfish idiot that's scared to get hurt again."
Logic gave him another small smile. "I'm not the one you should be telling this to."
Roman shook his head. "He would never believe me if I rejected him and then came back and said 'I love you'."
"So, don't say that." Logic said, and Roman really hated him sometimes. He looked out the window and bit his lip to keep from snapping at him.
They were quiet for a minute. When Roman glanced at Logic, he seemed deep in thought. But that was kinda Logic Sides' job, so that wasn't unusual. Roman didn't want to think about Remy anymore. But he kept coming up, lingering in the back of Roman's mind.
"What happens if we become Established…" Roman asked, "and we have to start all over?"
Logic glanced at him, frowning slightly. He said after a small beat, "...How so?"
"I just mean… Remy and Missy were so good to me. But they're gone. You and Jan are amazing, but I don't deserve you." Roman picked at his jeans. He couldn't look at Logic, but he could feel the others' attention on him. Roman could always tell when people were looking at him. It was a warm, tingling feeling that he just ate up. But right now, he wanted to hide away in the dark, where Logic couldn't find him.
"Roman."
"I get that we'll never be like Patton and Virge. It's fine, we're still stuck with each other. But the rest of the world can leave us." Roman shook his head, looking over to Logic, "What if we become Established, and we have to find someone that can leave us?"
To Roman's surprise, Logic laughed. It was small and cute but startling all the same. Logic said, trying to hold back a grin. "Is that why you want to date a pod? So you'll always have someone?"
Roman blushed and said, "I mean it sounds romantic, doesn't it? Having that promise with another pod - another person? What if we were high school lovers?"
"Yes, but we don't have any high school lovers." Logic said, shaking his head. "I admire your desire for our life to be a Disney movie, but you do know that it's ok to be single, right?"
Roman scoffed, "I know that."
"When we become Established, we should be focused on our career." Logic turned off the main road they had been driving on for a while. "Not finding your next boyfriend."
"Finding our next boyfriend." Roman corrected bitterly.
Logic only clicked his tongue and said, "The doctor's office will be on this road."
The doctor lady was named Dr. Catherine Florin. She had dark hair that she put up in a bun. She had a little LGBT ally flag on one side of her lanyard and a Side ally flag on the other. She was clearly Established. Dr. Florin shook Logic's hand first, and then Roman's. Roman sat down on one of the chairs in the room immediately; avoiding the examination table. Dr. Florin sat at her little desk and put on hand sanitizer as she read off her laptop.
"So, Mr. Side, you've never successfully been diagnosed before?" She asked.
Roman didn't like that question. He shrugged and sank lower in his seat. Logic gave him a sharp look and responded, "He only has a half-diagnosis."
"I see you've been assigned a generic 'Creativity' title, would you like to explore that deeper?" Dr. Florin asked, pulling on blue gloves. Roman watched her hands, unease making his throat tight. "We could look into Musical, Artistic, or maybe-"
"No! I'm Creativity." Roman said firmly. He sat up and added, "I just want to know why I'm so damn Emotional."
"Roman." Logic placed a hand on his knee.
"Oh, he's fine. I get all kinds of Sides in here." Dr. Florin said to Logic, like Roman was an unruly child or over-enthusiastic pet. Roman glared down at his shoes. It wasn't uncommon for Creative or Emotional traits to be looked over. It also just happened to be one of Roman's biggest pet peeves. He pressed his teeth against each other to keep his unkind words inside his mouth.
"I see you've taken a traditional diagnostic test five times before this, is that correct?" She asked.
Roman didn't know the real number anymore. Maybe it was five. Maybe it was six. Or three. It didn't matter how many times he did this, it never worked out.
No, he had to be positive! It would be different this time because Logic was here. And he's been watching Roman to help him figure out his trait since the beginning. It had to go well this time. It had to.
"Let me get your blood drawn so we can get that started." Dr. Florin said, pulling a box of needles out of her desk. Roman, squeamish of needles, would like to go home now.
"I can hold you hand if you like." Logic said patiently. Roman glanced over; he didn't realize his expression was so obvious. He nodded and closed his eyes. "Do you want a count down?"
"No." Roman said firmly. He kept his eyes closed during the entire process, squeezing Logic's hand when he felt the prick of the needle. He tried to breathe through his nose. God, he felt like such an Anxiety Side. Maybe he is a big wimp like Virge; maybe they'll be a massive nervous wreck as an adult.
"Excellent job, Roman." Logic praised quietly, as Roman heard the doctor step away. He peaked an eye open to see a plain band-aid on his arm. He gave Logic a thankful smile and one last hand-squeeze, then let him go.
Dr. Florin left for a second to put his blood in a machine to see what his DNA thinks he is. Roman hoped that was the only blood sample they needed. He rubbed his face and tried to calm himself down.
Logic said softly, "You're being rather brave."
Roman mumbled from behind his hands, "Shut the fuck up."
Logic let out a small laugh and patted his knee. He kept his hand on Roman's knee until the doctor returned. She sat back down in her seat and Roman forced himself to come out of hiding.
"Could you tell me a little bit about your Side, Logic?" Dr. Florin asked, giving him her full attention. Roman frowned at the simple décor in the room. He kicked his legs as he sat, letting them swing back and forth. His arm hurt.
"He's very skilled in his crafts, talkative, and can be hot-tempered." Logic said easily.
"Hot-tempered how? Does he have outbursts?" Dr. Florin asked, not even looking at him.
"Occasionally, however they're not violent. He has no issues being loud." Logic said, which was a very Logical way of saying Roman starts screeching like a toddler if he's pushed enough.
"Is he a picky eater?"
"No."
"Any trouble sleeping?"
"No."
"Nightmares?"
At this, Logic actually glanced at him. Roman shook his head and Logic answered, "No."
Dr. Florin wrote for a bit, then flipped a few papers over on her clipboard. She crossed off a few things and then returned to the first page. "Have you observed any distinct behaviors?"
Logic spoke confidently, like these questions were as mindless as the weather. "He requires attention often. He's prone to be argumentative. And he's not very motivated by his schoolwork."
"Does he have pets?"
"No, but our Side does."
"Does he interact with the pets often?"
"Very rarely."
Roman rolled his eyes. It wasn't his fault Shadow ran out of the room when he came in. The cat watched him with wide eyes and it made Roman uneasy. It wasn't the warm feeling he got from people watching him. That cat was weird. Sometimes Roman would find her in his room, when he wasn't around, and she'll be clawing at his nice shirts in his closet. Ever since that started they've been mortal enemies. What the fuck does the cat have to do with his brain anyway?
"Has he successfully made a Fusion?" Dr. Florin asked.
"Yes, three." Logic said. The doctor wrote for a minute and then crossed off one thing on that other page. Logic glanced at Roman, and offered him an encouraging smile.
Roman tried to force himself to relax. He liked having Logic here, even if it was a little annoying. It's was better, somehow, to have Logic answering these questions for him. He liked it and hated it at the same time, and it made Roman's head hurt a little.
"Innovative, Oblivious, and an undiagnosed Fusion." Logic said.
"It didn't tell you its Trait?"
"It refused to. But I have some reason to believe it is an Impulsive Fusion." Logic said. Roman sat up at that. He didn't realize Logic would think about Remus. That he would try to diagnose him as well. He shouldn't be surprised, but the idea that Remus could be their Impulsiveness? That made Roman nervous.
"Innovative and Oblivious," Dr. Florin repeated, she said to herself, "So he's easily influenced by others."
Roman grumbled, "Am not."
As Logic nodded, "Very much so."
Dr. Florin nodded and wrote more on her paperwork. Then she turned to her laptop and typed for several minutes. Roman kicked his feet harder, and Logic placed a hand on his knee, stopping him. Roman stared down at the hand, feeling the warmth seep through his jeans. Roman glanced at Logic, and wished he could lean closer. He wondered, would Logic hold him tight? Did he even deserve it?
"Alright." Dr. Florin said, knocking Roman out of his thoughts.
Logic removed his hand and sat up straighter. Roman resisted the urge to hide behind Logic's shoulder.
"This first part requires the patient to be alone. This is a brief therapy session of sorts, just to get to know you more. For privacy and protection we require all Sides and family to wait outside during this portion." She said, turning to Logic once more. Logic nodded respectfully and stood. He gave Roman's shoulder a squeeze and as he let go, Roman snatched his hand back.
Startled, Logic lowered himself enough to murmur, "You'll be alright. I'll just be in the hall."
Embarrassed, Roman dropped Logic's hand and looked away. He said, "Sorry."
"Don't be." Logic leaned closer, and Roman held back a gasp as he pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead.
He sat in silence until the door closed behind Logic and he was left alone with the doctor.
"Roman," She said with a smile, finally looking him in the eyes. "How are you today?"
"Sorry, can we get to the part where you diagnose me?" He said, not willing to tell her that he feels like he's going to throw up.
She gave him a sympathetic smile and said, "Sorry, your official diagnosis certificate will come in the mail. We won't know today, we'll call you with the results."
Roman knew that. That's how it always worked. He huffed and said, "What are you questions?"
"I just want to know about you." Dr. Florin said, using a tone of voice that she didn't with Logic. More flowey and empathetic than the rather monotone words she exchanged before. She added, "Are you feeling alright?"
Roman sighed and admitted, "I'm sorry, I don't like this stuff. I've done these tests so many times and they never work."
"That sounds frustrating." She said, nodding.
"It is!" Roman threw his hands up and let the dam burst. "And I love Logic but this couldn't have happened at a worse time! I just got dumped twice and one of my ex's is Established now. I'm so stressed I can barely think!"
Roman kept talking, gesturing with his hands as he spoke. He went through every issue he's had in the past month, no matter how small with vigor. Dr. Florin nodded and wrote down important details of his story. Every so often she would flip to another page to circle or cross something off. Roman didn't let her fidgeting distract him from the amazing gossip sesh.
"And don't even get me started on Remus." Roman said. At some point he had kicked his feet up and was now sitting on the chair sideways.
Dr. Florin interrupted for the first time. "Remus is a Fusion?"
"Yeah, the nameless one. He ruined everything." Roman muttered.
"How so?"
Roman shook his head, "He didn't fucking unfuse so we got ripped apart. And… and I hurt my friends."
Dr. Florin asked as she wrote, "How do you feel about that?"
"Bad!" He said it like it was obvious. "They hate me now!"
"Are you more upset by their pain, or by their change in perspective of you?" She asked.
Roman frowned, thrown off. He didn't have an answer for that one. It should be their pain, right? He should be more upset that they were hurt, right? So why did the idea of them hating him hurt more? Roman blinked, words escaping him, "Um."
He was awful. He really was the worst. Roman cared more about his image than his Sides' health, and he couldn't even lie to himself about it.
Dr. Florin circled something. "We can bring your Logic back in, now."
Logic sat across from him now, on the same side or the room as the doctor. Roman was given a clipboard of his own and a pencil. He immediately began to draw a butterfly on the wooden clipboard.
"This next part is a traditional scantron questionnaire. There are forty-five questions. You have ten minutes." She said, clicking a little timer. "Begin."
Logic held out a paper.
"Wait, I-" Roman frantically snatched the test from him and looked at the questions. He felt his brain melt as he saw the collection of letters and numbers that some asshole decided was math. "I'm not a Logical- I can't do this!"
"Just answer as many questions as you can." Dr. Florin said, already writing things down. Roman wondered what could be so telling about high school algebra as he tapped his pencil on the paper repeatedly. He stared at the test, trying to work through his panic. He was never good at any of this stuff.
Simplify the equation: 4m + 5 + 2m - 1
"Fuck." He whispered, but tried to work it out.
What did you do to simplify? He couldn't remember. He began to draw an airplane in the margins of the test. Do you just solve it?
Roman tapped out little dots to shade the underside of the airplane.
Four and five is nine, but that one has a 'm' so it's not that right?
Roman looked up. Logic was watching him, his expression very concerned. Roman looked back down. He was still on the first question. Fuck.
Okay so nine and m plus two is eleven m's. Roman bit his lip and scribbled down "10m" in the answer box.
"Five minutes." The doctor said.
Jesus Christ. He looked at the second question which was a paragraph of words and numbers he didn't have time to read. He skipped down to the next short looking question.
If 4x + 5 = 13x + 4 - x - 9, then x = ?
"Mmm." Roman let out an angry groan. He tapped his pencil a few more times before officially giving up.
He began to draw himself. He gave the drawing of him a grumpy expression and cup of hot chocolate. He thinks he deserved it.
"That's time." Dr. Florin said as the timer beeped annoyingly. She turned it off and wrote quickly across her paper.
"Roman." Logic said, worry etched in his voice, "That was simple math."
He took the test away from Roman and looked down at the near-blank paper.
Roman waved him off, "It had letters, that's not fair. Letters and numbers don't mix."
Dr. Florin didn't look up from her writing as she said, "Don't worry, Mr. Logic, it's very common for non-Logical traits to forget their education once it's no longer needed. Roman doesn't require mathematics in his every day, so he doesn't remember it."
Logic asked, worry obvious on his face, "Could that affect us when we're Established?"
"Almost certainly." Dr. Florin went back to writing.
Logic frowned down at his hands and Roman felt his chest split in two. He was - inevitably - going to make Logic worse. Just like Jason and Remus, Roman would pull everyone else down.
Roman held back a groan. What if his diagnosis was Big Stupid Dummy? That sounded right. He felt exhausted, and they had only just begun.
As if reading his thoughts, Dr. Florin looked up with excitement. "You're doing very well, Roman. Now if you'll follow me to the observation room, we'll begin the pornography test."