"When will you take responsibility for your position? For the family you represent? Do you not feel the call to act in a more noble way?"
It was like deja vu, thought Kai. Here he was, two years after that wretched fight, and his father was yelling at him. Again. Piercing his soul with nearly identical words to the ones he'd spoken to Kai after that Agni Kai. That day when everything spiraled out of his control. The day when Kai lost everything.
Perhaps his father was right. Perhaps he hadn't learned anything from what happened that day.
Kai had seen the struggles of Tazin in the days following the fight. The screams of pain and agony as his brother tried in vain to bend. Tazin's fight with Juno in that arena was the last time he'd bent fire.
Healers guessed that it was some sort of mental block. Losing the Agni Kai, Naya dying, failing his little brother. It was too much for Tazin. He blamed himself.
But a letter from his mother to the avatar yielded another potential diagnosis. A blocked chakra. The sacral chakra apparently. Aang guessed that the overwhelming guilt Tazin felt was blocking the chakra and preventing him from bending.
So now Tazin was gone.
And Kai, though he'd never admit it, missed him terribly.
Zuko spoke again, and Kai's attention was drawn back to the present. "I just…" The tall, dark-haired man continued to pace. Kai looked at Yue, who seemed to be trying to melt into her chair. The air in the room was filled with an overbearing tension.
Suddenly it was like a firework burst inside of Kai. No. He wouldn't take this. Not like he did last time. Not like he had his whole life. The fire inside him ignited and he jumped to his feet.
"I never asked for this position," he said loudly and firmly. The Fire Lord froze and stared at his son. His eyes were wide with surprise. Kai's voice broke. "I never asked to be in this family." The fire inside him was burning behind his eyes now but for once he felt no need to hide his tears. To hide his pain.
"That doesn't matter." His father's voice was loud now too. Loud and deep. Kai imagined a servant outside in the hallway freezing at the sound of it. "You are here."
"If you are mad at me for defending Yue against insults like that, or mom, or even Tazin, then we don't see eye to eye anyways." Kai could've sworn he saw an actual flame in his father's eyes. "And I'm going to that stupid fight."
Kai started towards the door, but his father grabbed his arm. "And what will that do? How is beating some punk defending your honor? This accomplishes nothing, Kai."
Kai shoved out of the tight grip, hating that his father never understood anything. "I don't care." Kai hurried to the door and flung it open. Before stepping out he added quietly, "Probably because I never had any honor anyways."
. . .
The door slammed behind Kai and Yue was up in an instant, not daring to look at her father or her mother. She was out in the hall quickly and noticed that Kai was already a good distance towards where she knew the front door was. He wasn't running, but each of his steps was hurried and powerful. Angry.
She ran until she caught up to him. "Don't go."
"Just stop," he said, annoyance and anger lacing every word. He didn't look at her.
"You're just doing this to feel something. It's some kind of power trip. Some attempt to redeem what happened." She was still jogging to keep up with him as they turned a corner and entered the grand foyer.
"Don't try to read me, Yue."
"You're annoyed because I'm right," she countered. He froze and looked at her and she saw it all in his face. His eyes. It was anger and hatred and power. But beneath, just an inch below that, she saw the hurt. The grief.
His voice was scary when he spoke and it nearly froze Yue's blood in her veins. Never had she seen him like this. In the years since that fight, Kai had turned to a blank version of his former self. Stuck in trees. Reading books. Skipping trainings and tutoring to lounge by the duck pond. "I have lived in this damn palace, behind those damned walls for nearly twenty years. I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've left the Fire Nation. And for what?" He yelled. "What is the point of my life, Yue? Why? Why do we train so hard at bending? Why do we study? Why do we do anything?! Do you see how there is no point in us being here? How our lives have no purpose?!"
Yue saw through this in an instant. "You're comparing yourself to Tazin."
"So what if I am?! He has a purpose! A goal. A reason to train and study and better himself. We don't! We never have. We're working towards nothing."
This time his words actually caught her off guard. Maybe he had a point. Why did she spend so many hours training with their mother? So she could test to be a master? But then what? What would that even do for her? Kai spoke again, softly. "And we never will." With that he continued his hurried walk to the door. "I'm tired of not feeling anything. Of feeling so empty all the time."
Yue continued with him. "Don't just do this to feel something."
"Anger is better than nothing," he responded.
Yue jerked his arm, not in a way dissimilar to how their father had only a few moments ago. He shoved away easily. "You used to have purpose. You used to feel something. With Naya."
Angry tears fell freely down Kai's cheeks now. "Don't–" His lip quivered as he spoke. "Don't say her name."
Yue didn't let herself back down. "This won't bring her back, Kai. This doesn't bring your honor back."
"If I just hadn't stolen that stupid hairpin." When he spoke again it was faster, and almost like he was speaking to himself. "If I'd just had the strength to fight him and the other two…" Yue watched him shake his head, as though shaking away a thought. A regret.
In an uncharacteristic maneuver, Yue put her hand on her brother's back. He paused. Something in her softened. It was rare to see Kai like this. Actually, it was rare to see Kai show any emotion. He had never cried after the incident two years ago. He just disappeared. But not in the same way Tazin had. It was just less smiles. Less effort in insulting her. More avoidance. More reading in his weird little tree.
She'd been fourteen at the time, yet no one had seemed to think that that was old enough to bother her with the details of what had happened. But she knew it was something bad. And then suddenly Tazin was gone and her father was instructing her not to tell anyone. And Kai was quiet and never ventured into the city anymore. That's when she'd learned that those times he had been leaving, it was to visit a girl. Mom had once said her name was Naya.
For whatever reason, it seemed like now Kai was finally letting himself feel the pain of it all. The grief. The loss. He was letting the wave of it wash over him instead of hiding behind books and tree branches.
Yue threw a punch to his stomach and he keeled over. Kai, still gripping his stomach, looked at her.
She smiled. "Then let's go beat this guy."
. . .
"Why are you so hard on him?" His wife's voice was calm, but stern. Zuko could feel himself seething. The direct disobedience from Kai…the defiance. He'd given Kai everything, and yet here they were.
"He has no respect for who he is. For what he represents." Zuko motioned outside a window, knowing Kai was likely already off to the duel. The thought only fanned the fire of his anger. He tried to calm it like he could in every other situation. Only his middle child ever managed to get him this worked up.
"And who is he?!" Katara yelled.
"A prince of this nation!"
"He is your son, Zuko." He froze at her words as though hearing the word "son" for the first time in a long time. Katara stared at him, her blue eyes piercing into his very soul. Only she ever seemed to see his weaknesses for what they were.
Zuko responded quietly, his voice still filled with anger and frustration. "He has never acted like it."
Katara shook her head. "You've never shown him how."
He looked up, anger still searing inside of him. He willed it to go away. Rays of sunlight now streaked through the window, bathing the room in brightness. How could it be so calm, so peaceful outside when he felt anything but? "He never listens to what I try to teach him. He has never shown any motivation to train, to study, or to be of any use at all. And now all he does is sit around and read story books, instead of being a use to me, to his country, or to anybody. I can't allow that."
"You are too hard on him," she repeated. "Show him you care and he will try. He is smart, Zuko. He can be of use to you if you give him a reason to be." The Fire Lord waved the comment away with his hand, no longer looking at his wife. Her gaze was too strong to look at directly. "Have you ever even asked him about that girl? The one that…" Katara took a breath. "He would speak so fondly of her to me."
Zuko still didn't look at her, and instead sat in his large desk chair. A sort of guilt had begun to rise in him, a feeling of sadness, loss, as though something important and valuable was slipping through his fingers but he couldn't stop it.. "I…" He sighed, letting his head fall to his hand. After a moment he looked back up and out the window. "I was worried about Tazin at the time."
He heard Katara sigh and sit in her own chair. The weight of everything was pressing down on him. It felt like a heavy fog. Every mistake…every failed solution…every misspoken word. And through it all, thoughts of his own father swirled in his head. Ozai had favored Azula so blatantly, so publicly. How had he so easily forgotten the pain that had caused him as a child? How had he forgotten the pain of being second? The agony he felt for feeling like a failure? "He must hate me," he said quietly.
It was another moment before Katara responded. "Maybe he thinks you hate him."
That did nothing to make him feel better. A pit grew in his stomach, making it impossible for him to think of anything to say. Katara was the one to break the silence, probably sensing his emotion. He appreciated, even after so many years of marriage, how well she could read him. How well she understood his emotions, even with just a look, or a sigh. She was the one to speak again. "You haven't failed."
A beat passed. "I've been so awful," was his only response.
"No," she reassured. "You've only done what you thought was best."
"Tazin–"
"Tazin is on his own journey, Zuko. He could not stay by your side forever, however much you might've wanted that. It is a trail he must trek alone. But he will succeed."
"It's my fault. I should have been there. He should've been able to trust me enough to tell me….And now Kai…"
"None of it is your fault." At this she stood from her chair and walked to his side. He closed his eyes as her familiar hands rubbed his shoulders, pulling him closer to her. He leaned into the touch and into her embrace, relaxing his tense muscles. It was as though her hand was pulling all of the hurt inside of him out. All the guilt was dissipating at her touch.
For the first time that day, he noticed that the window in the office was open a crack. In the silence, he could hear the running water of a fountain, and the song of some birds.
"How did I manage to become a horrible father?" he asked aloud. "You'd think I, of all people…" He shook his head, brushing away the thought.
The birds continued to chirp. Katara looked out the window too.
"Do you remember," said Katara quietly, her hands still placed gently on his shoulders. "That time at your birthday banquet."
"Someone called you a horrible name," he remembered with the smallest of smiles. "I nearly blew the place up." He remembered it perfectly. In that time, he and Katara could hardly have guessed what their future would look like, or even what a relationship between them would look like. He could only scarcely have dreamt of having a family with her. Spirits. Back then all they thought of was how hard it would be for them. The challenges they would have to overcome. Neither had even tried to imagine the hardships their kids would face. Not only as royalty, but as the kids of parents from opposing nations. Different cultures.
When Katara spoke again, Zuko could hear her smile. "I talked to your uncle that night."
At this he looked up at her, surprised. "You did?"
She nodded. "I'd…lost my way."
"What do you mean?"
Her face got sad, so Zuko pulled her around his chair until she was facing him. Gently, he tugged her into his lap. "I just…I think sometimes high pressure situations make us forget things about ourselves. Forget goals we had. And we can get lost in the sadness and in the hurt and the guilt that there's nearly no way back unless someone helps us."
Her words felt true, but he still didn't understand. She continued. "I was a mess that night. I was so focused on what people were saying about me…how they perceived me…how I wasn't living up to what you needed in a companion. And I hit rock bottom. So I ran. And as soon as I was running, homesickness hit me like a wave. Suddenly I just missed the snow and my town and my family so much. So then, naturally, thoughts of even leaving started entering my mind. I thought, 'Maybe I can't do this. Maybe we're still trying to force something.' It was just a terrible downward spiral." Zuko was watching her closely, fixated on this story she'd never shared. "But then your uncle found me." She laughed. "Well actually, I sort of found him. On accident of course. Somehow he knew right away what was bothering me." Here she paused, and the song of the birds filled the air of the room, louder then they had before. A sweet melody. "And he didn't do or say anything profound. All he did was…tell a story, and remind me of things I'd done in the past. One thing he said has stayed with me since. He said, 'You've never let the world push you around before. Why are you now?'"
Zuko felt himself smile. That sounded like his uncle.
Katara continued. "You're not a bad father, Zuko. Maybe you've just lost your way a little. Forget that your kids are royalty. Forget the 'honor of their position' or 'the future they have to uphold' or any of that. They're just your kids. And they're trying so hard to live up to what you and I have accomplished." No longer afraid to look into her eyes, Zuko finally met her gaze. "I'm sure that's pretty daunting." Zuko smiled and she brought a hand to the side of his face. And then a moment later her hand trailed to his hair. Gently and deliberately, she lifted the crown off his head. It sounded heavy when she placed it on the wooden desk."I understand the pressure the world puts on you as a leader and a monarch. And I know, probably better than anyone, just how much you want to do for your country, and for your people. But for now, remember the kind of parent you wanted to be in the beginning. Just be a dad to them, Zuko, and nothing else. Be what Iroh was to you."
Something welled up inside of Zuko as he stared at Katara. How? How did she do it? Overcome with emotion, he placed his own hand on her soft cheek. This was Katara. His Katara. He'd gone through everything with her.
She closed her eyes at his touch and let her forehead fall to his. Her breath was calm and steady, like the push and pull of the tide. Zuko took his own calming breath, letting the scent of her wash over his senses. The tenderness of the moment seemed to touch them both deeply, and he leaned even closer, his free arm wrapping around her waist. It was a question, and she answered by leaning into him more, placing her hands on his shoulders again. And then, slowly, Zuko kissed her.
. . .
It was like stepping back two years in time. Except now when Kai looked to his side, it wasn't Tazin standing next to him, but Yue, in all her perfectly-placed-hair and exact posture. He felt the sun beat down on him, baring through his tan skin and boiling the blood running through his veins. He was a bomb, ready to explode at the first taunt or jeer.
Moaz, Tharis, and Ryken all arrived at the arena together. Moaz didn't seem able to wipe the smirk off his face. He eyed Kai from a far, not breaking the gaze when he slipped his tunic off, revealing a wide, full-barreled chest, and thick meaty arms. Kai's face was expressionless, but anger and hatred roiled in his ears. For a moment, he saw the man who killed Naya, and his fist clenched at his side.
Tharis looked intrigued, and at the same time bored. He ran a hand through his unkempt black hair and plopped down.
Ryken bit his lip over and over again, a habit Kai knew meant his friend was nervous. Ryken's eyes darted around the arena, to Kai, and then to Moaz, in an unending cycle. His arms were tightly folded.
"Don't try to beat him hand to hand," whispered Yue. "He's too strong."
"Don't coach me," spit Kai, thinking of how Tazin had done the same thing.
Yue shoved him. Hard. He swung his head to look at her.
"Listen to me." She smacked the side of his head. "If you don't stay focused you'll miss a step and take a shot from him. Then you'll be off the rest of the fight."
A drum was beating somewhere. Kai was having a hard time focusing on Yue's words. Blood roiled in his ears.
"Focus," Yue whispered again, shaking him. He pushed her annoying little hands away.
"Stop it," he whispered, double checking Moaz again. "I know. Control my anger. Stay cool."
"When was the last time you trained anyways?"
The drum in his mind beat louder. "Dunno."
There were some laughs from the other end of the arena and both turned to see what had happened. Moaz was mimicking someone in a chokehold, begging for mercy. Ryken had laughed.
Yue's face went murderous. "Glad to see you've picked your side then, Ry!" Her stance was rigid and strong. Powerful. Her silver-hair braid shone in the brightness of the sun. Sparkled against her royal red tunic.
Moaz spat. "Honey," he smirked. "He was never on your side."
"Hm. Not what he told me last night when I had him pressed up against my bedroom wall," she replied. Kai's eyes went wide. "What was it you said again, Ryken? 'Please! Please! I'll never leave you,' or something like that?"
Ryken's face flushed red as a fire lily. Tharis and Moaz looked at him. "That didn't happen!" he tried.
Yue turned back to Kai, who was staring at her in disbelief. She waved her hand to brush the conversation away, then pushed him onto the arena. He stumbled over his legs but caught his balance just in time to see Moaz stepping up onto the arena on the opposite end. The man-boy sauntered up to the middle, his meaty thighs only allowing short steps.
Kai walked to meet him.
The prince felt no fear. Perhaps that was the main difference from last time. Kai looked at his opponent, big and thick as he was, and felt nothing but hatred.
Kai bowed, and when lowered heard Moaz say, "With your brother gone and you on the way, perhaps the country will have a chance at a worthy Fire Lord. It's been too long."
Kai's fists clenched again. His surroundings blurred. He could hear Yue saying something but it was distant. As though miles away. Muffled. He attacked without finishing his bow. A punch right to Moaz' jaw.
Moaz was stunned and Kai flew back in a flash, giving himself room to blast some fire at Moaz, who stumbled again, barely dodging the flames. This only angered the large boy more. He grunted loudly once he'd regained balance and blew a fury of fire at Kai, running towards him as fast as his thick legs would allow.
Kai had to be quick to dodge but he managed it, blasting himself up into the air. He landed ungracefully on the other side of Moaz who spun around quickly.
The fight continued in this way for a long time. Kai would launch a quick attack, Moaz would nearly fall, then he'd get angry and launch something weak at Kai.
Kai felt powerful. His anger was fueling something deep inside of him and the feeling was addictive. Like a drug in his veins. His fire felt hotter, bigger and stronger, and this realization only made him quicker and nastier in his fighting. He fought with a vengeance. Blood and hatred and power surged through his brain, pounding in his ears. His chest beat hard and fast. He yelled out with each new burst of flame he sent towards Moaz.
Soon, Moaz grew tired, and Kai could see it. He was slower. Breathing heavy. Kai pushed harder, smiling gleefully. Somewhere, Yue was saying something, but the words were muddled in his mind and he took no note of them. It was only him, and Moaz. And he was going to beat Moaz bloody. He thought of Moaz unconscious and bloody on the ground. That's how this needed to end.
For Naya, for Tazin, for Yue, for all the stupid things anyone had ever said about him. And to prove to his dad, to prove to everybody, that there really was something inside of him. To prove that he wasn't empty or blank or expendable or second.
Yue screamed something else. Kai didn't look at her. His eyes were trained on Moaz, who was sweaty and stumbling. Moaz blinked over and over, as though his vision was blurry and he couldn't clear it. He held up his fists weakly, as though preparing to blast another fire whip. But his hands shook. You don't deserve to live, thought Kai.
And then he flung himself into the air. His full weight collided with Moaz' large frame and Moaz toppled backwards easily, landing on his back with a loud and heavy grunt. Kai was on top of him, pinning him to the stone ground. The sun beat down on them ceaselessly.
Kai raised a fist and clocked Moaz right in the jaw again. And again, and again.
"Stop it, Kai," someone yelled. It sounded like Ryken.
Kai raised his other fist and started another onslaught on the other side of Moaz' face. There was a crunch when the boy's nose broke. Someone yelped. Yue.
But the prince didn't stop. Hit after hit after hit. Blood streamed out of Moaz' nose, warming and covering Kai's own hands. Soon Moaz stopped struggling, his head falling limply to one side. Punch. Punch. Punch.
Tears streamed down Kai's face unabashedly. Something inside of him told him to stop. Moaz' left brow was swelling and his right cheek and jaw were already bruising a deep purple. Blood was coming from his mouth, spraying into the air.
Still Kai continued.
Punch.
Punch.
His hands hurt, but he punched again. And again.
Something else cracked. The jaw, maybe?
Someone pulled on Kai, but he shoved them off, yelling and screaming, not caring who it was.
A blast of water hit him, but he locked his legs and stayed where he was. The water fell. Someone yelled again.
Ryken and Tharis were both there now, pulling on Kai's shoulders, trying to lift him off of Moaz.
Kai screamed, high and shrill, no longer seeing anything through the blur of tears in his eyes. He blasted Ryken and Tharis away easily. Tharis yelped at the fire.
Then suddenly, it was too much. The prince lifted his hand once more, preparing for one last, powerful strike. He warmed his fist until it was on fire, raising it higher into the air. He wound up tightly, his core and arms tense, his breaths coming in ragged, heavy gulps. Moaz' face was unrecognizable. A bloody, swollen, purple pulp. This punch would do it in, thought Kai, his own hands throbbing incessantly.
He yelled out, bringing the fist down towards Moaz.
And then stopped.
There was a warm hand on his own, and another on his shoulder. His fire went out. All he heard were his own breaths.
But he knew who it was. The presence was familiar. Gentle, yet powerful. He'd know it anywhere.
It was two moments before he melted into his dad's shoulder, the whole weight of his body, of his sorrow, of his grief, falling onto his father, who would take it upon his own shoulders and bear it when Kai could not bear it any longer.
He sobbed. And sobbed and sobbed.
He thought of Naya, her smile, her laugh, her voice when she would sing. He thought of holding her, and kissing her, and how he would never get to do that again.
He thought of every meal when he'd said something that made his dad sigh in disappointment.
He thought of every damn moment when Tazin would say something intelligent and their parents would beam at him, forgetting for a moment that they had another son. One who, though perhaps not as smart or talented or honorable, craved their love and attention and approval more than anything. A son who felt lonely, forgotten, unnecessary. An afterthought, nothing more.
So he sobbed.
The moment might have lasted one minute or ten, but Kai couldn't have cared less. He'd fallen off of Moaz' limp body now, enveloped in the sure and sturdy embrace of his father.
The sobs came harder, with no sign of stopping, so he buried his face deeper into his father's shoulder, his body shaking violently with emotions that had been buried for too long.
Zuko held his son tightly, willing him to calm. To feel okay. He knew words were pointless in a moment such as this. How could he have expressed his sorrow and regret anyways? How do you apologize for years of neglect and forgetfulness? No words could do justice to the guilt and anguish that Zuko felt. This was his fault. All of this was his fault.
He pulled Kai in tighter, breathing him in whilst fighting back his own tears.
Yue stood frozen. Her body was still with shock, and she couldn't tear her eyes from the scene in front of her.
It was like watching a scene from your own life that you never thought you'd see. She knew Kai. And she knew her dad. But not like this. Kai crying was one thing, but her father, outside of the palace, in the middle of a fighting arena filled with kids. The dots in her brain did not connect.
She watched as though she was a stranger to the scene. As though that was not her brother, or her dad.
Tharis and Ryken also stared in awe.
Kai's cries stopped. He shook with unsure breaths, and Zuko helped him stand.
The prince felt unsure on his own legs. Dizzy. He stared down at the damage he'd done. Moaz still lay motionless on the ground. Kai rubbed his eyes, which he knew must be red and bloodshot.
Zuko watched his son carefully, studying him. The boy was not meeting his eye.
"Here," said Zuko, bending down towards Moaz. He took one of the boys' arms and looped it around his neck. "Let's help him."
Kai, still not meeting his father's eyes, bent and looped Moaz' other arm around his neck. Together they stood, lifting the heavy boy upwards between them. His head flopped to one side. He was dead weight, and very heavy. Kai knew his dad was bearing most of the weight. They dragged the large boy to a bench and laid him down.
He couldn't look at his dad. He couldn't do it. He was scared of what he would see, what he would feel. He didn't need to see the look in his father's eyes. The disappointment. The sadness. He'd seen it too many times before. Instead, he ran a hand through his sweaty hair, shaking it out, he rubbed his eyes, drying them.
Zuko put a hand on his son's shoulders, feeling heat and sweat on his skin from the fight. "Come on," he said simply, giving up trying to catch Kai's eye. They walked towards Yue, who was watching them carefully, her face sad. No longer that stoic, fierce, fighter. Zuko smiled at her. She seemed so young to him in that moment, and he imagined her as the small, sassy little eight-year-old he once knew. When had she gotten so old?
"Come on, kiddo," he said with a wink, reaching his other arm out. She walked towards them, letting her dad place his arm around her small shoulders. Zuko closed his eyes, pulling both of his kids close to him. Holding them. Everything was going to be okay.
All three of them were aware of the eyes that watched them. The arena was nearly full. It was far more than the original small bunch that had arrived at the start. Maybe a hundred kids from Ryken's school watched silently as the Fire Lord led his family out of the arena. So few of them had seen the Fire Lord in person. He'd just been a name to them, not a real person. So their eyes were wide and unblinking as they watched the tall, athletic, powerful man exit the area. His scar gave him a leering mystique. You couldn't not watch.
Kai caught Ryken's eye on the way out. There was a look there in Ryken's face, one that Kai had never seen before. He supposed it was something akin to shame. Kai looked away, allowing his father to lead them away.
They didn't speak on the way to the palace. Zuko's arm's eventually fell, and Kai chanced a glance at him and his sister.
For once he couldn't read his dad's face. It was blank. Calm. Not sad, as he'd expected. Not disappointed. But also not happy. He'd taken the Fire Lord flame out of his hair. His clothes were loose and normal. Nothing flashy.
Yue was back to her stiff self. Her hair was so slicked back into her braid that not a single piece seemed to have moved. Her face was bored, her wide blue eyes observant. Kai smiled at the familiarity of it.
They arrived at the palace gate, Zuko nodding to the guards as they walked through to the grounds.
"Yue," said Zuko kindly once they were inside. "Why don't you go find your mother. I believe your trip to the North Pole has been moved up. You'll be leaving tomorrow morning."
"But I don't want to go!" she insisted, the tone of her voice raising. Kai didn't know what this was about, but clearly Yue did. This was the continuation of a previous conversation. "Please, Dad!"
He sighed and looked down, as though exhausted. Yue's shoulders slumped, her expression relaxed. She looked away. "Please," was all Zuko said in reply. No commanding, no yelling, no stern voice. Just pleading.
Yue gave a small, almost imperceptible nod. Kai caught her eye before she turned to leave. I'm sorry, he thought, hoping she would know.
She smiled faintly, acknowledging that she understood. When she turned and left, there was only silence. Neither of them moved. Kai didn't know what to say, but he also didn't know what he wanted his father to say. So they stood there. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been alone with his dad.
Kai realized he'd left his tunic and shoes at the arena. The thought made him feel bare and vulnerable. He ran a hand through his dark brown hair again.
"Wanna go sit by the turtle-duck pond?" offered Zuko, breaking the awkward silence.
Kai still didn't look into his father's eyes, but he gave a nod. They walked slowly, the cool wind blowing through the few trees on the grounds. He tried not to be distracted by the sounds the leaves made in the wind, but it was impossible. He imagined his old paradise…sitting in the tree with Naya, the wind blowing through the leaves…blowing her hair. His eyes closed and he turned away.
They arrived and sat on the wall side by side, gazing into the water.
"Your mom told me a little bit about that girl…" Zuko tried after a long while.
"I don't want to talk about her."
More silence. They stared at the water, if possible, more intently, each equally uncomfortable.
"I think it would help," Zuko said sheepishly. Kai had never heard his dad sound 'sheepish.'
Kai said nothing for a long, long time. He could barely stand thinking of her…if he were to talk about her out loud, then her absence would be final. She would really be gone. And that could not happen. Something in him would break forever.
"You didn't care before," Kai shot. "It happened two years ago, Dad."
Zuko looked down at his lap, and Kai thought that he seemed to be battling something inside of himself. Some thought or worry.
"Sometimes I'm a little late," he replied sadly. "Slow." Kai swallowed. Could he say it all? With his own voice? "What was her name?"
Here it was. The moment had finally come. Some other part of his brain he didn't have control of said her name. "Naya."
He hadn't said that word in so long. Hadn't connected his thoughts of her to verbal speech. Somehow saying her name made him feel as though she might be sitting right next to him.
But she wasn't.
Kai sighed, and gave in. He watched the line of turtle-ducks following their mother. "She…worked here. At the palace."
Zuko was surprised. How? How had he not known any of this? Actually, perhaps the real question was why he'd never bothered to learn it. The girl had been a worker at the palace? He didn't dare speak and interrupt whatever Kai was on the verge of sharing.
"She was a maid." He kicked the water with his foot, splashing the ducks away. "In the guestrooms mostly, but occasionally the dining hall too."
Zuko watched the side of his son's face intently. "But, we actually met in the kitchens." Kai laughed softly to himself. "I'd gone down to steal some food and she caught me. It was dark though, and she didn't know who I was, so she just completely railed into me, saying 'How dare you steal from the royal family…who do you even think you are…yada yada. And I just couldn't not smile. I told her she was totally right, and that if she met me in the back east stairway the next day at 8, then I would return it all back to her."
Here he paused, remembering. "I don't know what made me do it." The mother duck quacked loudly at one of the younglings. "I guess I was tired of being lonely. Ryken had been gone for a while, and Tazin spent every moment with you, and Yue with mom, and I just…I was…bored, I guess. Lonely." He kicked the water again. "So from the day of that meeting in the stairwell until the day she died, I spent every moment I could with her." He finally looked into Zuko's eyes. "And I fell in love."
Zuko said nothing, just watched. Kai was the one to speak again. "And you've heard the rest of the story I guess."
Zuko nodded, looking down. After a long silence, "Why did we never greet her family? To share condolences?"
"She didn't have any," said Kai with a shrug. "She'd come to the palace alone." He looked down, remembering how sad he'd been when she first told him that. "I guess that's why we must've hit it off so quickly. She needed me as much as I needed her."
Silence again followed these words.
"Shared pain," started Zuko, "can be the best bridge between two people."
"Yeah…" said Kai.
Feeling bold, Zuko placed a hand on Kai's shoulder again. "I am sorry, Kai." The Fire Lord's voice broke, and Kai wondered if, for the first time in his life, he was going to see his dad cry.
"It's okay, Dad. She died because of me. Her death is on me. Everything that happened to Tazin…it's all my fault. Not yours."
Zuko shook his head forcefully. "No." He sucked in a breath. "No, Kai. It was my neglect, my disinterest in your life, that forced you to feel you couldn't come to me. And that is the biggest failure a father can make. So I am so, so sorry."
Kai looked away. There was another long silence.
"I just…" Tears were coming to Kai's own eyes again, to his own surprise. How had he not gotten it all out earlier? "I'm so tired of being so angry…all of the time." Each word was spoken slowly. His voice cracked.
Zuko nodded. "I know it. Believe me, I know it. For whatever reason, it is our burden to bear…having a temper, I mean. "
"And Yue's too," added Kai. "Don't forget about Yue."
They both laughed. "How could I? I think she's got us both beat."
Kai's smile lingered.
Zuko continued. "But, sometimes in trying to contain it, we retreat from everything. We tell ourselves that if we stop caring about the world and everything in it, then maybe we won't be angry anymore. But instead we turn empty."
Empty.
That was his word. That was the word Kai had always used. And now he knew that his dad used it too. Something in that was comforting. There was an understanding here. A connection. A bridge of shared pain.
They returned to staring at the water, and sat in comfortable silence until the sun began to set. The bright pinks and oranges of the sky reflected perfectly onto the still water. It could've been a painting. Neither seemed in a hurry to leave.
"I really beat that guy…" said Kai regretfully.
"Yep…" Zuko confirmed with a nod and a smile. "Absolutely demolished him."
Kai let out a loud, obnoxious laugh.
Zuko spoke again. "Don't worry, I get it. Sometimes, you fight a fight with all the strength and technique of your bending…and other times you just gotta beat his face with your own damn hands." Kai was laughing…and laughing…and the laughing didn't stop.
"Oh…" the boy started. "I feel so bad."
"I would make sure to visit tomorrow," said Zuko with a smile. "To smooth any ruffled feathers."
He'd done a little more to Moaz than ruffle his feathers, thought Kai, but he knew he should go. "I will," he assured. "And you were right, by the way." Zuko squinted his one eyebrow. "In the office," Kai clarified. "You said that me fighting that kid wouldn't accomplish anything, and you were right. I didn't feel any better."
Zuko nodded. "Right."
They sat and watched the sun fade from the sky. How long had they been sitting here, wondered Kai. Hours must have passed. The fight had happened around noon, and now it was nearly dark.
"There's a Leadership Council in Republic City in a few weeks' time," Zuko explained. "I would love it if you accompanied me." It felt like his dad had just put some sort of balm on a deep wound that'd been growing for a long time. "Or, if you'd rather stay here with your friends that's okay too. Yue and your mother are leaving tomorrow for a while, and I'd also love to have you in the office with me. Anytime you feel like it."
He stared at his dad with wide, golden eyes. "I would love that."
"Which one?"
Kai smiled. "All of it."