Chapter 7: Christmas, Chemo and Cannabis.
Alternative tittle: Chemo fucking sucks!
Author´s note: I just realized all previous chapters ended on major downers. Well, I am writing about Cancer, so it´s kind of inevitable. I decided to flip this one on it´s head and start this off on a MAJOR downer, finishing it on a happy note.
December 24th, Tegriddy Farms
The five of them were always attached to the hip. A band of five brothers, who grown up together and stuck together every step of the way.
It was only natural they´d end up spending every Christmas (and Hanukah, because Kyle´s mom insisted) together, with all their families together.
Well… What was left of their families, anyway. It seems the boys were simply reaching that age where parents start dying. It was just the natural course of life. And for Wendy, currently struggling with her own sense of mortality, it was impossible not to think of everyone who went away.
Of course, there were the two shocking outliers. Two people who, by all accounts, should have been dead in the ground ages ago, but somehow managed to outlive far healthier people.
Randy Marsh, despite decades of crazy shenanigans and alcohol abuse, was still alive and kicking. Sure, he looked like a piece of passionfruit that was kept in a drawer for two weeks, but he was still there. And still the same Randy. In fact, now that he was retired and didn´t have reasons to keep himself sober anymore, he seemed to have worsened in the alcohol and weed department. When anyone would ask, he´d say "Well, I´m just doing overtime at this point, so fuck it" and go back to his pint and his joint. Everyone just assumed he made the same deal with Satan that kept Keith Richards and Ozzy Osbourne still alive in their 100´s.
The real shocker, however, was Lianne Cartman. Everyone, even Eric Cartman himself, just assumed the drugs and STDs would catch up to her at some point. And yet, here she was, 72 years old and looking no older than 50. And that was just her skin, because her body still looked perky in all the right places. Those Cartman genetics must be something special too, because she showed no signs of slowing down, famously remaining the bicycle of the nursing home, pleasing costumers and staff alike (Not that anyone would dare say that to Cartman´s face).
Still, not everyone was so lucky
Stuart and Carol McCormick died in a drunken car crash when Kenny was only 21.
Gerald Broflovski died of a heart attack at age 73, 5 years ago.
Stephen Stotch passed away from lung cancer at age 70, eight years ago.
Ned and Jimbo, who weren´t their parents, but rather beloved uncles, died when a fire broke out in their gun store 10 years ago. Both were in their sixties.
Mr. Garisson died from syphilis at age 75, 15 years ago. No one liked him in particular, but still…
Wendy´s mom. Who passed away three years ago, after an exhausting battle with breast cancer. It started out very similar to Wendy, with an exam, then more exams, then chemo…
She still missed her. Sometimes, when she was alone laying down in bed, she could still feel her. She could still feel like she was laying on her mother´s lap as she sung Disney songs for her to sleep when she was a child.
She could still see her smile when Wendy came home from school.
She could still hear her voice perk up telling Wendy she made her favorite meal just for her.
That warm embrace only a mother could have. Only a mother could be some warm and gentle.
She looked at Emily, drinking a beer and draping her arms around Ben as they both talked to Sam Marsh about something Wendy couldn´t hear.
Would Emily remember her like that? Would she miss those good old days, laying on Wendy´s lap and crying after life got too much? Those nights where Emily got the flu and all Wendy took care of her?
Would Ben remember her cooking lasagna just for him? Would he miss those times when he was angry or hurt and no one else could really hold him like she could?
Wendy could still remember her mother´s last moments.
You see, she was working at city hall. Butters called her to come to the hospital, because her mom had just been admitted. The doctors did everything they could to save her, but it was no use. Nothing, it seems, could keep her mother on this earth. The doctors told them it was time to say goodbye.
One by one, they went in. First her dad, who kissed his wife on the forehead for the last time.
Then, her kids who told their grandma something she couldn´t hear and never asked about.
Then, Eric, who told Wendy a while later that all he said was "don´t worry. We´ll take care of everything here. You can rest. Thanks for raising the most awesome woman on earth"
Finally, Wendy. She couldn´t say anything. So, she just sung one of her mother´s favorite songs. "Bridge over troubled waters" By Simon and Garfunkel.
As the song ended, Wendy´s mom breathed her last.
At the funeral, everyone would hug Wendy and tell her she gave her mother a good farewell. That her mother´s last moment on this earth was good and peaceful.
Wendy hoped so. Because all she could feel was sad.
Would anyone sing for her on her in the end? Who would be cursed, like she was, to bear witness to Wendy´s last moments?
All those thoughts were suddenly interrupted by an uncontrollable urge to vomit, as Wendy rushed to the nearest restroom at Tegriddy farms
December 22nd, Hell´s Pass hospital
"Wow" Said Emily, beside her brother in a waiting room "This is really boring"
"We didn´t have to come, you know? We could have just stayed home and prepared stuff for when they got back." Billy answered
"Prepare for what? She´s probably gonna get there all drowsy and tired and we´re just gonna help her get to bed. Well, mostly dad because I´m a chick and your arms are skinny as a day old Cheeto" Emily answered her brother.
"Gee, I don't know, cook a meal for when she gets back?" Billy said, sarcastically
"And cook what? Neither of us know how to cook healthy stuff." Emily said
"You know that thing dad taught you to do with steak in a frying pan? You just do that with chicken breast instead of ribeye and don´t do the butter part." Billy told his sister "Oh, and less salt too"
"Wow. Just wow" Emily thought to herself "Cancer really fucking sucks"
"Yeah, no shit!" Billy agreed.
"I mean, the whole disease is bad enough on it´s own, but she also has to eat cardboard?! That´s bullshit!"
"No, that´s sound medical recommendation." Billy said "Anyway, I don´t think she´s gonna have much of an appetite after this"
"Well, she has to eat something." Emily interjected "I´m gonna look for some god forsaken restaurant that sells this crap on my phone, so we can stop by on the way home."
"Alright. Well, at least we´re not as bored as dad might be right now" Billy answered, wondering how their parents were doing inside the chemotherapy room
"I wanna get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus, I wanna feel his salvation all over my face!" Cartman sung, to a room full of cancer patients doing chemo. All of the people in the room sang with him and clapped their hands to the beat.
Wendy was laughing her ass off, completely forgetting where she was, as her husband managed to entice all of the cancer patients and their companions into singing one of his Faith + 1 classics.
"MR. CARTMAN!" A nurse screamed walking into the room "This is a hospital, please respect the silence!"
"Okay, okay, alright, jeez." Cartman said sitting down next to Wendy "What a bitch!"
"Yeah. I mean, she´s a big bitch" Wendy agreed
Truth is, she was enjoying her husband´s distraction for the whole ordeal. It was doing wonders for her mental state and overall. That´s why instead of accepting her fate, she´d decided she would rather rope him into singing another one of his old favorites
"I mean, she´s a big fat fucking bitch" She said, with a smirk on her face to her husband
"I know" Cartman answered
"Probably the biggest bitch in the whole wide world" Wendy said
"Yeah, I get it, what the fuck are you, oh…" Cartman said, finally realizing that his wife was making a song request
"On Monday she´s a bitch, on Tuesday she´s a bitch…" Wendy said, putting some proverbial wood into Cartman´s fire.
"Weeeeeeeeeeell!"
"Stop it, Mr. Cartman" The nurse said
"Weeeeeeeeeeell!"
"Don´t you do it!" The nurse said
"Weeeeeeeeell!"
"I´M WARNING YOU!"
"Okay, okay, alright" Cartman relented and appeared to go back to sitting down
"Good, now that that´s over…"
"WEEEEEEEEELL the nurse is a bitch, she´s a big fat bitch, she´s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she´s a mean old bitch, if there ever was a bitch, she´s a bitch to all the boys and girls"
"SIT DOWN, MR. CARTMAN!" The nurse yelled.
All of the patients started clapping their hands again
"On Monday she´s a bitch, on Tuesday she´s a bitch, from Wednesday to Saturday she´s a bitch. Then, on Sunday, just to be different she´s a super King Kamehameha biatch!"
Wendy was ecstatic, having a lot of fun with the situation at hand. It didn´t even matter to her at the moment that she was starting to feel a like queasy and airheaded from the chemicals pumping into her veins
"YOU ALL KNOW THE WORDS! Have you ever met the nurse right there? She´s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world"
"Lalalalalalalala" The patients and companions sung the backing vocals merrily, though some coughed and a few took breaths between verses.
"She´s a mean old bitch, and she has a stupid hair, she´s a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, she´s a stupid bitch!"
"Wooo!"
"The nurse is a bitch and she´s just a dirty bitch!"
Even the nurse ended up relenting to the sheer joy Eric Cartman was bringing to the room. It was a hard situation for everyone there, so a little joy every now and again couldn´t hurt.
She ended up asking Cartman to do something like this at each one of Wendy´s sessions.
They stopped for grilled chicken breast and vegetables for Wendy and actually tasty food for everyone else on the way home.
Wendy ended up eating half of it and falling asleep on her bed, feeling very tired.
December 23rd, Cartman house
"What do you mean you´re not covering the chemotherapy? It´s right there on the contract that you have to!" Kyle screamed into his phone, pointing at the contract on the table. "Well, you better come up with a better excuse than that or else I´ll see you in court!"
"Good, that's the spirit. Now, mention that you´re a jew." Cartman said
"Shut the fuck up, fatass" Kyle answered covering the phone with his hand
"No, dad, he´s serious, I´ve seen him do it. It always works" Ben answered, looking up from the contract that he and Emily were reading
"Yeah, go full King David on their asses, uncle Kyle!" Emily cheered him on
Kyle thought about it for a second before deciding to just try it once
"Young lady, I must warn you, I am an attorney and I am jewish." He said on the phone, as the person on the other side seemed to relent "Really? Well, uh… I´m glad we understand each other. Good. Happy Hanukah for you too"
"Told ya" Said Cartman
"I really hate you sometimes, you know that?" Kyle said
"It´s mutual. Thanks for the help, bruh." Cartman said
"No problem" Kyle answered
"Eric" Wendy appeared at the bottom of the stairs. She was a mess, her hair undone, her eyes looked foggy, she couldn´t walk straight… Just a mess
"Wendy, what are you doing?" Cartman asked, holding his wife up
"I want some water, my mouth is dry" Wendy answered
"You should have stayed in bed, still." Cartman answered "I was just coming upstairs to check on you"
"I wanted to walk" She said, weakly
"Alright. Let´s get you to the kitchen" Cartman said, holding her by the hand, placing the other on her back in case she fell and escorting her into the kitchen "Yes, that´s good. That´s a good Wendy, a very good Wendy"
"Stop treating me like cat!" Wendy said in the angriest manner her weakened state could muster.
"Yes, good Wendy" He said, petting her hair.
She decided against fighting it after she realized his hands on her hair were the first thing that felt good on her body since 1 pm the previous day
"Keep stroking" She purred, as he sat her down on the kitchen table.
"Here you go, mom" Emily said, handing Wendy a glass of water, as she sipped some of it "Yes, that's a good mom" She just joined her dad in the hair petting.
"You should just fill up a thermic bottle and put it next to her bed. It would be better for her" Ben suggested
"That´s actually not a bad idea, thanks, jew" Cartman said to him.
Kyle just went there to help with some of the legal Jew-Jitsu with the insurance company. Ben decided to tag along and help his girlfriend with her mom. Meanwhile, Billy and Marjorie were going to a grocery store to buy, as Emily put it, "all that healthy bullcrap mom needs", since neither Emily nor Eric knew the first thing about buying healthy food and Wendy was too exhausted to even think about leaving her bed, let alone the house.
They spent the rest of the day fussing over Wendy in different parts of the house.
Emily cooked
"Just like dad taught you minus all of that salt and without butter." Said Billy, as Emily tried seasoning a chicken breast without all the fun stuff.
"Oh my God, if I ever catch that, just chopp off my tits and be done with it" Emily said to Ben
Billy and Marge catered to Wendy´s every need
"Here you go, miss Wendy." Marge said, handing Wendy some more water
"Thanks, Margie." Wendy answered weakly
"You okay, mom?" Billy asked
"I feel like I just got sucked into a vacuum cleaner and got spat out multiple times" Wendy answered, too weak to even come up with a proper analogy
"Oh, golly, that doesn´t sound very nice" Marge said
Ben read the contract over and over, trying to predict all the ways the insurance company could screw them over in the process
"You see, this right here" He said, pointing to a specific clause "They might use this as a justification to move her chemotherapy sessions to Denver"
"Fucking assholes" Cartman said
Cartman himself was splitting between helping Ben and staying upstairs caressing Wendy´s hair
In the end, she fell asleep at 7:30 pm as he stroked her hair.
December 24th, Tegriddy Farms
It looked like a picture-perfect Christmas. Snow, a big tree, all of the family…
They usually had Christmas at Tegriddy farms because it was big enough for all of them. It usually ended in most of the grown ups smoking some of the products. Well, Kenny´s underage kids did it too, only out of sight.
A huge feast cooked by what Cartman dubbed "The grandma squad", consisting of Sheila, Lianne, Sharon and Linda.
Well, save for the copious amounts of poutine Ike always insisted on making himself.
All of their kids here, all of their parents, all of their friends…
It was truly the most wonderful time of the year. All turning out exactly as expected
Even the chaotic stuff
Randy and Cartman always fought over who gets to dress up as Santa and always ended up both doing it.
Sheila always insisted on blending the Christmas decorations with some jewish stuff for Hanukah, usually leading to Cartman calling her a bitch ("What, what, what?!")
Everyone keeping a cheat sheet on their pockets to remember the names of all of the McCormick kids (Wendy couldn´t for the life of her, and she was godmother to at least three. Not sure which three, though. Definitely that older one)
Business as usual. Well, right up until Wendy started vomiting, anyway
"Yes, honey let it all out. Yes, that´s a good Wendy" Cartman said, holding back her hair
"Stop treating me like a damn cat! Urgh!" She threw up some more. "But keep holding my hair"
Out in the living room, Stan Marsh gave his dad a knowing look.
"Well, we were gonna wait until it was time for presents, but I guess it´s time now. Dad?"
Randy walked, very slowly, to the Christmas tree and grabbed a jar covered in gift wrapping.
"I present to you" Randy said, opening the wrapping "THE TEGRIDDY FARMS CHEMOTHERAPY SPECIAL!"
There was a good two seconds of silence, where everyone was thinking the same thing.
Until a goth woman, clad in "Big Tiddy Goth GF" Christmas clothing (which was just regular Christmas clothing, just shorter and all black instead of red).
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, DUMBASS?" Henrietta Marsh said, slapping her husband in the back of the head.
"The Chemotherapy special? This is a serious disease and you´re making a special themed weed about it?" Sharon quickly joined her daughter-in-law´s complaints
"People die from this, you conformist piece of shit!" Henrietta said, slapping Stan again.
"No, no, no, listen! It´s not what you think!" Randy said, protecting his son from more slapping
"Yeah, just hear us out!" Stan pleaded
"We looked up all the stuff about weed and cancer" Randy said
"And we found out why they use it. It´s like, it helps with the symptoms and stuff. There´s like, a substance in weed that helps with all that stuff. You know…" Stan added.
"uuuuuuurgh!" They could hear Wendy throw up from the bathroom
"That. We made a hybrid that has more of that stuff than regular weed." Stan said
"Yeah, it´s like better than regular weed for chemo patients" Randy said
"And we´re selling it at zero profit to cancer patients. Just to cover the production costs." Stan said
"And we´re giving the first batch to Wendy. You know, for Christmas." Randy said.
"Well, you shouldn´t have called it a 'special'" Sharon said
"Well, it is special. Because it´s made with Tegriddy" Randy said
"Dad, shut the fuck up, please" Stan said, pinching the bridge of his nose.
Just that moment, Eric and Wendy came out of the restroom.
"Here, smoke this." Stan said, handing a joint to Wendy.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, DUDE?" Cartman screamed, slapping his hand away
"No, no, it´s good for her. The symptoms and stuff" Stan said
"Oh" Eric realized he was actually trying to help "Let me light it"
He did so.
"Here you go, honey" He handed Wendy the joint. "Just take a puff"
"What? Uh… I´m feeling dizzy" Wendy said
"Yeah, I know honey, just smoke this" Eric said, insisting upon it. Wendy obliged. "Yes, that´s a good Wendy. Good girl."
She kept inhaling the smoke and something miraculous happened. After a few seconds of inhaling the weed, Wendy started feeling the dizziness in her head go away. She could feel the strength in her body returning, the cloudiness in her mind fading away. Just at the edge of all the bad feelings in her body left, she could feel a hand stroking her hair, and she could hear…
"Yes, a very good Wendy"
"STOP TREATING ME LIKE A FUCKING CAT!" She screamed "But keep stroking my hair, that feels so good. Damn, I´m hungry. Is there any ham left?"
"You guys! It worked! She´s bitching at me again! Ow!" He said, as she kicked him in the shin
Everyone in the room cheered
"Let´s all get high!" Kenny roared, with enthusiasm.
20 minutes later
"You guys, you guys… Have you ever noticed how weird this ceiling looks?" Emily said to no one in particular
"Well, uh, I don't think I ever looked at this ceiling before" Butters said, exhaling some smoke from his Rudolph Kush
"Well, gee, there was this one time I had sex with Billy in this couch" Marjorie said, smoking a joint of Santa´s gift bag "You know, that party Sam threw when he was going away to college? All I could think about was 'darn it, that´s a weird looking ceiling'"
"Oh, yeah, I remember that. Wait, you guys are not gonna tell our parents about that right?" Billy asked
"No" Wendy answered
"Not a word" Cartman answered
"We ain´t telling your parents" Said Butters.
"Cool" Billy said
Most of them were laying down somewhere in the marsh house, high as a kite.
"I really missed eating food that doesn´t taste like cardboard" Wendy said, eating a turkey leg with her bare hands.
"Well, I tried my best, but I couldn´t do anything fun with food for you, because of, you know… the cancer and stuff" Emily said
"Oh yeah! I have cancer. Hehehehe" Wendy said, laughing for no particular reason.
They heard an alarm, striking midnight on an Alexa
"It´s midnight. Merry Christmas." Alexa said
"Have yourself a merry little Christmas. Make the yuletide gay. From now on our troubles will be miles away" They could hear a slower version of Frank Sinatra´s classic playing.
"Well, merry Christmas, everyone" Stan said
"Merry Christmas!" Said Kenny, kissing his wife´s cheek
"Merry Christmas!" Said Cartman, stroking his wife´s hair
"Merry Christmas" Said Wendy, snuggling up to her husband
"Merry Christmas" Said Butters, pulling his wife and daughter close to him
"Merry Christ…" Kyle would say before he could hear his mother say "WHAT?"
"Happy Hanukah" He finished with a slight frown
"Fucking bitch" Cartman commented under his breath.
"Through the years, we all will be together
If the fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now"
February 12th, Cartman house
From Christmas onward, every time Wendy´s symptoms got too bad, she would lay down on Eric´s lap and smoke the Chemotherapy Special while he smoked some other Tegriddy product and stroked her hair. It worked like a charm every time.
It would usually lead to the two of them watching old Terrance and Philip episodes on Amazon Prime and laughing at nearly everything the two would say or do.
It was working fine, up until the day they did it and Eric found some of Wendy´s hair coming off on his hands
"uh… Wendy…"
"Just keep stroking my hair, that feels so good"
"I don´t think that´s a good idea" He said, putting his hair filled hands in front of her face
"Oh, god damn it"
End Chapter notes: Yes, both Cartman and Randy are dressed up as Santa Claus throughout this whole ordeal. I´m really happy I managed to end this chapter on a happy note. Also, here´s to Mary Kay Bergman, the one woman army who voiced all the female characters from the first season of South Park.