The wait time for this chapter was shorter since my mess up from last time...
However next chapter won't be up until December!
If you wish to get the chapter a month earlier than the public then consider checking out my Patre0n! Arielagam is how you can find me almost everywhere 3 Also like to mention that it is holiday season and every year I like to write two special chapters relating to AWA for Halloween and Xmas! For Halloween this year I'll be exploring from the year that Eddward was training with Sam! These Specials are EXCLUSIVE to my patrons and won't be published anywhere else.
Anyways, hope you enjoy the chapter!
Kevin Barr watched as the cigarette burned away in his hand.
A familiar smell he couldn't forget, a familiar scene that mesmerized him.
The school's roof was uncomfortable, but it was right in this spot where Kevin first knew that there was something to hold on to. Something worth saving. That Eddward Vincent wasn't a total monster.
It had been over a week since he had smelt this addictive scent, and just as long since the last time he had tasted the bitterness of this cigarette on the mouth of the one who inhaled the toxins.
As much as Kevin disliked the taste of cigarettes themselves, when on the tongue of Eddward Vincent, it was entirely addictive.
And maybe he finally understood why Eddward smoked so much.
For every cigarette Eddward smoked, Kevin wanted to taste him.
Addiction was a craving, an obsession and it was driving him crazy.
In the toxic smoke was Eddward's taste and in the last ray of sunset was the glimpse of them. Of dancing by the stairs, and driving by views and the first time they had empathize with one another. Shared glances and smiles, and longing and desire. A glimpse of a bond that was formed from moments of silence and late night talks.
Their relationship had always developed after the sunset. They had bloomed under the moonlight, with shared sleepless nights and secretive kisses.
And Kevin was at a loss because he couldn't forgive Eddward Vincent.
But he needed Eddward Vincent like the stars needed the night to shine.
He missed Eddward Vincent.
He craved Eddward Vincent.
Eddward had been a coward once again.
Vincent had betrayed him once again.
And Kevin was addicted.
…
It was in the late hours of the evening.
The Vincent house had been empty for hours now.
Kevin heard a distant sound of the front door opening and he immediately woke up. Eyes saw nothing but pitch smallest of noises would stir him awake, and every time it happened a dread would engulf his chest, heart beating a bit faster. His mind racing with what to grab for self protection.
It was a habit now—Kevin noticed.
He rose from Eddward's bed and pulled the curtains aside to see outside, it was far too dark to clearly see anything.
The moon was hidden tonight, and it made Kevin feel uneasy. At least with the moon out, Eddward wouldn't be completely alone through his sleepless nights. He noticed that the raven haired boy would stare up at the sky while lying in bed when Kevin pretended to sleep.
There were more distant quiet sounds from downstairs. Eddward wouldn't arrive until the morning, perhaps it was Victor? In which case… it would be super awkward to go downstairs right now.
But what if… what if Eddward had come home early?
Kevin made up his mind to investigate downstairs, grabbing one of Eddward's shirts for warmth. As a precaution, snatched Eddward's brass knuckles he kept hidden in his bedside drawer.
Kevin stood quietly listening to the person wandering around the kitchen, lights were on. Then a familiar sigh was heard that filled Kevin with quick relief.
"Eddward?"
Kevin called out upon seeing the boy standing in the middle of the kitchen almost as if lost. His smile started to fade upon seeing the boy's teary eyes and ghostly face.
Kevin stepped up to Eddward, dropping the weapon on the floor and wrapping him in a protective embrace. Eddward leaned down, melting into Kevin, tears already soaking into the fabric of the shirt.
"You're home," Kevin mumbled, face pressed into Eddward's neck, "hey, you're ok."
Eddward shook his head, arms tightening around Kevin so hard it really made him start to worry. His instinct was to check Eddward's wrist but being wrapped up like this, it was a hard thing to do.
"Eddward talk to me," Kevin said quietly.
Eddward embraced tightened. "You'll hate me," he said, with a voice so broken that it pained Kevin.
"You know that's not true," Kevin said quietly, "tell me what happened."
Eddward leaned back finally and pressed his forehead to Kevin's. Kevin took this opportunity to at least feel at Eddward's wrist. Nothing, thanked god, he breathed out a sigh of relief.
"Kevin, promise me you'll hold back your anger while I try to explain, please."
"Ok, ok" Kevin quickly said, now afraid of what Eddward would say. "I promise, but—"
"No, please listen," Eddward held Kevin in his grasp so tightly as if the boy was afraid Kevin would run away or disappear and the more time it took for Eddward to speak the more unsettled Kevin grew. What had Eddward done?
"S-something happened with Sam," Eddward started, eyes looking at the ground between them as if they were standing by the edge of a cliff.
"What happened?" Kevin said quietly, anxious for what Eddward would say.
Kevin's heartbeat was racing now, what was it? There was so much bad that happened between Eddward and Sam. He couldn't fathom what had made Eddward this upset. Shivering, as if afraid of Kevin. What the hell did Sam do to break Eddward like this?
Suddenly his skin went cold, as Kevin thought about everything Eddward could have possibly have done. Violence or self harm, what was the more plausible outcome. "Did you take the pills again?" He asked, tears in his eyes now.
Eddward paused as if he hadn't considered Kevin would ask that at all. "Y-yes, but–"
"But you did take them?" Kevin was upset, not angry. Why would Eddward assume he'd be angry about this?
"Kevin, please just listen,"
"Eddward, tell me" Kevin held back as he had promised. Listen, listen to him, he thought. His hands were holding onto whatever fabric was on Eddward's body.
"This isn't an excuse… in no way could I excuse what I did,"
Kevin stayed silent, at the very least thankful Eddward had survived after falling back into taking the pills. But Eddward was terrified and his hands were shaking, eyes glued to the floor.
"My father came by last weekend and I've been really messed up about it all week. I was so angry and upset and I didn't know what to do."
Kevin wanted to speak up, and reassure him it would all be ok, but he stayed silent. Whatever Eddward was trying to say was something far too important. He understood now at the very least the real reason why he had left town.
"Sam had the idea of the cage fights," Eddward paused there for a long moment and Kevin wondered if this was it, if Eddward was worried about lying about the cage fights.
Then he spoke again.
"When we got back to the hotel…" Eddward breathed, "I was still so angry and upset and…I don't know."
"What are you trying to say?" Kevin asked softly, confused.
"That—one thing lead to another,"
"What does that mean? That you took the pills?"
"No, it means that… it means that I didn't spend the night alone." Eddward shook his head as if frustrated with himself at his inadequate use of words.
Enough was said though.
Kevin started to put together the building blocks of what Eddward was attempting to say and a part of him broke right then and there.
"You cheated?" Kevin said quietly, as if his voice was too shocked to come out of his throat. "With who?"
"Sam…" Eddward's words croaked sounding just as broken as Kevin felt.
"Seriously?" Kevin was beginning to gather his thoughts and they bounced from all angles of his brain. He had to step back as if searching for that name once more. Sam? "Sam?"
Eddward simply nodded, eyes elsewhere.
"Were you sober?" Kevin had to ask, still processing that fact that Sam was right about their complicated messy relationship. It was unbreakable.
Eddward closed his eyes and nodded at the question. "I'm so sorry," he said.
Kevin took another step back but Eddward held onto him tightly with wide terrified eyes.
"Why?" Kevin asked, "why did it happen?"
"It was a terrible circumstance of my state of mind," Eddward said, face looking exhausted. "It didn't cross my mind to ever want to be with him again but… it happened and I regret it."
"Eddward," Kevin's eyes stung as if they were on fire and he didn't know if it was heartbreak or anger. "...again."
Betrayal must have been written all over his face because those glassy ocean eyes were starting to rain.
"If you wanted that kind of freedom, just tell me you didn't want me like that. That you didn't want a relationship."
Eddward shook his head, "Kevin, that's not it, I only want you. Even while I was with him I wanted it to be you."
"It could have been me," Kevin said, face hot and voice hard. "I thought you didn't want to because you were scared of gay intimacy— then there you go and do those same things with Sam of all people."
"It's never meant anything with him," Eddward said quietly, "It's never meant anything with anyone else… I don't know what to tell you but I want to—with you."
"No, Eddward, you're being mean," Kevin said, "Don't tell me you want me when you go and run to Sam every single time. You could have talked to me about Victor and if you were…frustrated, I wouldn't have been scared to try with you. You know this."
"I know you're not scared, Kevin," Eddward said, "but it does scare me to be that intimate with you."
Kevin could feel his eyes release tears at that sentence. "We just keep regressing," Kevin said, "because you're too much of a coward to take a chance on yourself. I'm tired of it."
Eddward seemed to deflate at his words. It was the truth however, just as quickly as they had made their confessions did they now crumble. A romance so bright it burned far too quickly.
"I'm so sorry," was all Eddward could say.
Kevin walked away, shoving his shoes on and made to open the door but leaving Eddward like this felt horribly wrong. He knew that at this hour, the demons would crawl out of the shadows and haunt Eddward. That Eddward could end up in a worse state than with just a regretful heart, and the thought of a pocket knife in Eddward's hand was far more terrifying. Kevin knew that despite all his anger, he couldn't leave. He didn't have the heart to leave.
Kevin sunk down onto the floor, confused, angry, heartbroken and still in complete shock. He buried his face in his legs, unable to look at Eddward anymore.
Eddward seemed to follow suit and Kevin heard the boy sit in front of him.
In the darkness of the entrance hall, their legs barely touched.
"I can't— I can't spend the rest of my time with you being second to Sam. I can't do this anymore." Kevin confessed, feeling horribly humiliated now that Sam had been in the right to gloat about his bond with Eddward. Kevin had been the delusional one. Eddward had always— might always belong to Sam in every sense of the word.
"How many times?"
Eddward seemed to be confused because the teen's legs shifted uncomfortably.
"How many times have you been with Sam," Kevin looked up, needing to see the truth.
Eddward had an answer now, and he already knew he wasn't going to like it because Eddward's eyes were glued to the floor again.
"I don't know," Eddward said, looking down once more. "It started when I joined the gang."
"And when was the last time before–" Kevin shut his lips tight, unable to say the rest of that question but the last bit floated between them like a ghost.
"I haven't been with him since… since the end of sophomore year. The night before Sam's party."
Kevin's eyes raised up, his pulse was quickening. "The night before the party… the one where you were all going to round us up?
Eddward nodded at that.
"You were so scared of him. You hated— I thought you hated him!"
"I was scared and still hate him,"
"What's wrong with you?" Kevin asked and once the word came out, he knew he asked something that Eddward had been thinking about for almost an entire decade. What was wrong with him?
"Kevin…" Eddward sighed out, his shoulders slumping, eyes avoiding contact at all costs. "We… I don't know how to explain this thing I have with Sam. It's complicated…"
"He's your exception," Kevin blurted, "no matter what I ask of you, he's your one exception."
"No," Eddward breathed out, "No, he's not."
"Yes, he is," Kevin said, "he always has been. I know that now."
Kevin was unimaginably furious but it was a fury that felt hollow as if Eddward had punctured a hole right through his chest. Never… never in his short relationship with Eddward did Kevin think about the possibility of Eddward cheating on him and with Sam no less.
Sam of all people. Of course it had to be Sam. Nothing made him more mad than the idea of Sam having been with Eddward.
"I'm so stupid," Kevin gasped at the realization.
"No you're not," Eddward tried, inching closer until he was able to place his forehead close to Kevin's. "You've never been, Pumpkin. I'm so sorry for this."
"Did you even think about my feelings on this?" Kevin croaked out now. His head filled with Sam all over Eddward, it made his chest burn with jealousy. But Eddward's eyes were just as glossy as Kevin's. Those gorgeous blue eyes, hypnotizing. "Did you even think about me before screwing around with him?"
"I did!" Eddward said far too loud that it echoed down the hall and between rooms. "I did Kevin, I promise you I did."
"And yet you still did it," Kevin felt awful. He hadn't been this mad with Eddward since the night after the party, when an all too familiar disappointment was choking him then, as it had now.
"I did," Eddward voice had surrendered.
"You really hurt me this time," Kevin said, and watched at Eddward's face was covered in tears once more. "I don't think I can forgive you, Eddward. Not this time."
"I'm sorry, Pumpkin." Eddward leaned forward to place a kiss on Kevin's knee. "I won't ever again, I promise. No one else, no one but you. I'm so sorry."
"I believe you," Kevin said quietly. It was true, he'd believe anything Eddward told him. "But I won't forgive you for this, I can't."
"I'm sorry," Eddward pleaded, face looking destroyed and it hurt Kevin to look at Eddward in any kind of pain, but Kevin was also pained by the stab wound that Eddward himself had planted there.
"Not while you still belong to Sam,"
And yet despite all the anger, Kevin still wanted to kiss him right then. To erase Sam's touch and drive Eddward crazy enough that every time he touched anyone else, Kevin's ghost would forever appear.
He couldn't accept that Eddward had willingly allowed this to happen. Sam must have initiated it, Kevin knew that much. Kevin knew Sam and Eddward had spent almost a whole year glued together and that had formed their separatable bond. Kevin knew Eddward despite that bond hated Sam, and at the very least Kevin had that going for him.
"Do you still care for me?" Kevin asked, needing to know.
Eddward stared at Kevin with the most pitiful look in his eyes as if shocked Kevin had asked that question at all.
"More than anyone else, Pumpkin,"
With that Kevin leaned in and kissed Eddward. He planned on erasing every single trace of Sam's lingering chains on Eddward. Kevin felt Eddward gasp in surprise but immediately returned the kiss by tilting his head and wrapping his hands around Kevin's face.
Kevin pushed back until Eddward was the one pinned against the floor. Hands finding the edge of Eddward's shirt and pulling it off. There were hickeys all over Eddward's neck. There was another stab wound shoved into his chest from the pain of the truth painted before him.
He was back to kissing Eddward harder than ever, opening his mouth to wrap his tongue with Eddward's. But it made him sick to think Sam was at one point on top of Eddward. Kevin wrapped a hand in Eddward's long hair and pulled back hard enough to yank the boy's head back to allow Kevin to move his kisses to Eddward's neck. But Sam had been here…the hickeys were faint but they were there and it made Kevin more angry.
With angry tears, Kevin wanted to mark over the existing bruises. Rewrite the truth of who had claimed Eddward. But the hurt that Eddward allowed Sam on his body stopped him from continuing that thought. Instead, Kevin let his kisses become passionate and hungary. He felt Eddward reacting to his touch, and he let his hands wander down to Eddward's belt. Eddward stopped him there, just like always.
"Eddward," Kevin said, voice breaking.
"Not like this, Pumpkin," Eddward said, voice but a whisper. "Not right now."
Kevin's tears couldn't stop falling and he let out a small laugh, "A terrible circumstance of my state of mind."
Eddward frowned at his own words. "We're not doing this now," Eddward said, "You'll regret it."
"Look at you," Kevin said bitterly, "Always the reasonable one."
"Kevin,"
"Why?" Kevin asked, he could feel his hands shaking now. "Why didn't you push him off?"
Kevin could barely see Eddward underneath him, but he could hear him well enough. "I did try at first," he started, and Kevin listened intently, "But I gave in to the temptation. I reacted before I could think. I couldn't bear to allow my head to consume me more than it already was. So, I allowed Sam to do whatever instead."
There was no response from Kevin, there was a sympathy carved into him that tried to justify what Eddward had just done. But Kevin knew better, knew this couldn't be excused or else Eddward just might again, and again and again until he ripped his heart into shreds. Eddward needed to understand that this was inexcusable and no matter what was going on that night, what happened with Sam and what happened after was not ok.
But why was Eddward in control with Kevin and completely at a loss with Sam? It was now that he finally saw the power that Sam had on Eddward. Like a master and their trained dog. Kevin couldn't try to break free someone who was latched onto their owner with a force of loyalty.
"I thought about you the whole night and the whole day after it happened and the next day and every time I looked at the moon, I thought about you."
Kevin curled into Eddward at this, because he believed Eddward.
"I haven't been able to stop thinking about you, Pumpkin," Eddward sat up and embraced Kevin in a hug, rocking Kevin like a child.
"I'm so mad at you," Kevin confessed, "I'm so mad that I don't want to even look at you right now."
"I know," Eddward said, placing a kiss on Kevin's head. "I'm terrible, I really am so sorry."
"We've been a thing for like not even two months, Eddward." Kevin cried, a fist punching Eddward on the back. "I'm so mad."
"Why didn't you leave?" Eddward asked, his voice hopeful.
"I can't leave you," Kevin said, his hand found Eddward's sleeves and gripped with such force that his hands turned horribly pale. "I won't leave you."
Eddward's body relaxed at this and suddenly Kevin was once again engulfed in the embrace of Eddward Vincent. A hug that felt as if Kevin might fall through any second and this was the only way that would keep him above the surface. A hug so desperate that it felt so cowardly.
Kevin pushed Eddward away.
"Pumpkin?"
"I can't Eddward," Kevin said quietly, his sadness taking over now that the anger unleashed.
"Are we done?" Eddward's voice was quiet and tragic.
"I don't know," Kevin said, slowly getting up. He couldn't look at Eddward right now, so he looked at the moonlit room across the hallway. "I need some time."
"I'm sorry,"
The apology, Kevin didn't know if he was glad for it or hated it. Because the apology didn't change the fact that Eddward betrayed Kevin. Betrayed him with Sam Dubois. The real haunting between Eddward and Kevin.
Kevin looked at the door wanting to leave and go back to his own house and lay in his own bed. Away from this great big house and its caging white walls where he had shared far too many beautiful memories with the boy in front of him. Kevin wondered if despite all the hate and sadness Eddward felt towards the Vincent home, he could still fall in love with the memories they shared together under this roof.
He couldn't find his voice to respond to Eddward and instead he left the boy at the entrance floor as he made his way to the back of the house where he stepped outside and sat on the stairs. The air was crisp and despite all the heartbreak, pleasantly warm.
…
It might have been the way the day had started like any other day. The way the crowds had filled the school, but Ed missed when Kevin entered the school, and then he hadn't spotted Double D— and, well, all that was normal.
It might have been that despite both boys being at school, and present in class there was a silence in the entire school. Rumors whispered about how Eddward Vincent had won all his fights over the weekend and how anyone who betted against him should have known. Some whispered how Eddward Vincent had hooked up with half the girls at the fights. How he had gotten into fights in the following nights. He's back, they said.
Now, Doble D had yet to talk to any of them and either explain the rumors or just deny them. Yet nothing, because the moody boy was yet to be seen around school. Had he even arrived? If rumors were true then the boy must be still recovering from the cage fights and then the…drunken ones? Ed hoped all the gossip wouldn't be true.
It was lunch time when Ed was waiting on Nazz and Kevin that he finally realized something wasn't right. The second he saw Double D standing idly across the hallway, with Sam Dubois at his side, he realized the puzzle pieces weren't fitting. The sight sent shivers down his spine as they had when the pair were still a duo. Double D's gaze was blank, eyes unfocused and it scared Ed.
He searched for Nazz who was making her way into the hallways to meet him. Upon noticing his distress, her gaze moved across to land on the sight. Her gaze was confused, then worried. She turned as he did, looking for someone behind her but seeing that the person she was looking for wasn't there, she looked back to Ed.
Sam could feel their eyes on them, Ed knew he could, by the way his grin grew. Then Jimmy joined them, and it was then that Jimmy– of all three from the group– met their confused stare. Jimmy seemed to sigh and looked away replying to Sam instead.
"Where's Kevin?" Ed finally asked.
"Was right behind me," Nazz said quietly.
"Did they fight?"
"Who knows," Nazz made a frustrated click with her tongue, "Actually maybe, Kevin was moody this morning."
"Double D doesn't look good at all," Ed warned. Between the quietness of the masked fangs and Sam's unusual closeness to Double D, it was all unsettling. But for all he knew it had to do with the weekend trip. Double D would have gone after Kevin, would have asked about Kevin, would have done so many things.
But the teen was completely in another plane of existence.
As if he didn't know they were right across the hallways, nor where they were located.
At this hour of the day Double D and Kevin would have already bolted off to the natatorium by themselves. The only reason Kevin would eat with them now was because Double D was unavailable for whatever reason.
What did Sam do? Was all Ed could think in that moment watching his best friend linger far too close to Sam. It was a distance that told Ed that Double D was depending on Sam. Protection? Security?
It was after lunch had ended and Nazz had gone off to find Kevin that Ed took that opportunity to find Double D and before the swimmer could enter the classroom, Ed snatched the teen by the hood of his sweater and dragged him as far away from the crowd as they could get.
Ed finally let go when they arrived inside the only place he knew Double D would feel safe enough to talk, the natatorium.
"What are you doing Ed?" Double D sounded annoyed at the sudden kidnapping.
"What's wrong?" Ed stated plainly.
"What are you talking about?"
"With you?" Ed asked, the confused look of his friend slowly changed as if he finally understood what Ed was trying to ask.
"Nothing," Double D said quietly.
"Not nothing," Ed argued, "what was that today?"
"What?" His friend was genuinely confused by the way his eyebrows were raised.
"During lunch?" Ed continued but Double D was completely out of the loop. "Y-you were with Sam and like totally ignoring us."
Double D's eyes squinted slightly as if trying to remember the moment "I wasn't ignoring you," he finally said quietly.
"Maybe," Ed said awkwardly, "Did Sam have a job for you?"
"What is all of this about?" Double D exhaled, finally letting go of his backpack and this was exactly what Ed was hoping for because as the boy did so his shoulders slumped as if surrendering to Ed's interrogation.
"Somethings wrong with you man," Ed said, setting his own things down on the floor and following Double D close to the pool. They sat down on the floor facing the pool but with the entrance door in view point. "I think I know you well enough to know that you're not ok right now."
Double D stared at Ed for a long moment, dumbfounded. Then lightly shook his head as if coming to once more, "How are you so good at this?" he asked. His hand reached into the water, and let it float for a moment before he continued. "I fucked up," there a sad smile there.
Ed frowned, noticing the quivering of Double D's hand, the darkened eye bags and pale skin. Eddward was in a terrible state once again, he could tell and a part of him wanted to pull the sleeves up to reveal what was hidden underneath. Terrified of finding fresh scars.
"How?" was all he managed out.
Eddward shrugged, clearly not wanting to say but Ed wanted to help whatever this episode was.
"If you're not talking to Kevin, then talk to me," Ed said leaning forward in order to try and catch the boy's distant gaze.
"Is it obvious?"
"Yeah," Ed confirmed, "It's very obvious you two had a fight."
Double D leaned further down, as if wanting to dive into the water and get away from the conversation. "He has every right to be mad at me right now."
"What did you do?"
…
Nazz had been horribly insistent that Kevin talk his feelings out with her but there was nothing he wanted to talk about. He couldn't reveal the fact that he and Eddward have been in a relationship and how he was just cheated on, with Sam no less.
Sam who was supposedly enamored with Nazz and somehow messed up enough to go after his own partner instead. Sure Sam didn't know he and Eddward were an item but still. Just what exactly was Kevin supposed to say to her?
Not to mention that the only emotion that was boiling inside him was just anger.
Kevin couldn't even look at Eddward at the moment.
Just what was that today?
The first thing Eddward did was run to Sam for help.
How many times had Kevin told Eddward that he was available to help him? And the fact that Eddward trusted, manipulative, lying, sadistic Sam Dubois over him was yet another betrayal.
Kevin could understand that it would take time to develop the level of trust between them, but they had begun a relationship for crying out loud. Something that was supposed to be only theirs alone.
Of course Sam had to have taken that as well.
A part of Kevin wondered if Eddward had been truly sober that night, or if he had been horribly concussed from the fights. But it hadn't been only once. They have had a past of these hook ups and that destroyed Kevin.
And once again, Kevin wanted nothing more than to erase those marks left on Eddward's neck. It angered him further to hear gossip about the damned hickeys and Sam standing right next to Eddward without a care in the word.
Sam was taunting Kevin.
Kevin knew this. From the moment he had turned into the hallways with Nazz and saw them across the hall, he had known.
Had Sam found Eddward or had Eddward searched for Sam?
Why would Eddward hang around Sam? Why today of all days? Eddward knowing this would only anger Kevin further.
He had stayed with Eddward all night and into the morning. Kevin had stayed outside without knowing what to say or do or think.
He had stayed sitting on the porch stairs listening to the world wake up around him and from inside the house he could hear Eddward who had followed but didn't dare step closer.
"You really did regret it?" Kevin had to ask, because how could someone do something knowing they would hurt someone else.
"Immediately after,"
A quiet response came without hesitation.
"During?" He asked, eyeing the darkened trees high above them shielding the Vincent home from any prying eyes.
"I thought of you,"
The quiet voice was honest, Kevin knew Eddward was being honest. But it didn't change the fact that anger was still sitting in the pit of his stomach.
It was as if Kevin was untouchable, unreachable. Someone Eddward couldn't have. But he was right there all along, ready to help Eddward with anything. This was all to do with Victor Vincent but for whatever reason Eddward always refused to talk.
A year they've been at this, and a year that Eddward kept on falling back into regression. A part of Kevin wondered if it would always be this way with Eddward. Of hoping and being delusional about new beginnings but then it all would come crashing down with one stupid decision.
Was Kevin ready to fall back into this possible routine?
He wasn't so sure.
And would the next time hurt as much as this one did. Because the last time Eddward betrayed Kevin, it had hurt just the same, and this time… it hurt more.
Because now Kevin didn't know if Eddward really felt the same way he did. Because Sam Dubois had a stronger hold on Eddward and Kevin no longer knew if he could rival that bond.
Because Eddward Vincent couldn't commit.
But Eddward was addicted to Sam.
If it wasn't the alcohol, it was the cigarettes. If it wasn't the pills, it was Sam Dubois.
How could he make Eddward believe that he could do better without all the toxins in his life? But what if, in addition to the long list of terrible habits Eddward had, his own mind was included? Eddward ruined himself. His own mind seduced him into making terrible decisions and his heart was far too wounded and vulnerable to fight against the bad.
What was going through Eddward's head that allowed this to happen?
…
"What did you do?" Ed asked.
"I can't say?"
"Why?"
"I can't,"
"Is this to do with Sam?"
Double D glanced up at Ed finally, clearly frustrated now. "Yes and no," was all he said, "I fucked up."
"Why can't you tell me?" Ed said feeling hurt that they had come so far in rebuilding their broken friendship only for Double D to continue to close him off.
"Because, what I did…" Double D paused, eye closed, "I've never told anyone about it and never planned to. Ever."
"So this is about something from the past?" Ed asked, confused, wondering what it could possibly be. Was it relating to the gang? To the Dubois? What was so horrible that Kevin would be avoiding Double D at all costs? After all– even though the pair hadn't confessed– they had made such a big step in their newly found relationship.
"No," Double D leaned back, pulling his hand away from the water, "No, this thing happened again and it shouldn't have happened and– fuck, I really shouldn't have done it but… I did and I really fucked it up this time, Ed."
Ed stared at his best friend in sad confusion, "You know," he started, "This would really help me to help you if I knew what we were talking about."
Double D exhaled defeated, he was hunched over himself, legs tightly pressed to his body as if wanting nothing more than to be hidden away. Ed wondered what was going through Double D's head at the moment, and wondered if he should go to Kevin instead. But Double D was his best friend and no matter what he had done, Ed would help him figure it out. Besides, Nazz was probably going to do the same with Kevin after school anyways.
"But since you don't want to say," Ed sighed out after a long pause, "Then I'll try the best I can."
His friend's eyes were big, like the admiration of a little ki. As if Double D couldn't believe Ed existed. The look in those ocean eyes made Ed touch his own chest, checking just to make sure, this was real, he was real. It made him almost laugh.
"So, you messed up," Ed said
"I did," Double D nodded.
"Did you apologize?"
"A thousand times by now,"
"Did you mean it? The apology?"
"I did," Double D's eyes were at the water once more and Ed would just read his friend's honesty.
"Did you mean to do whatever it was you did?"
The distraught boy paused at that, eyes focused as if in deep thought. "Not at first," he said quietly.
"What changed that?"
There was an uncomfortable shift where Double D lifted a hand into his beanie and scratched. His eyes looked at the ceiling of the room. There was a long silence that engulfed the room, making them feel smaller than they were. Double D's face was scrunched up remembering something, and Ed wanted to do nothing more than to hold his friend's hand. Help him through this crisis, help him through those demons and anything and everything that was eating at Eddward.
"Old habits die hard," Eddward finally replied after what felt like an hour.
…
Eddward was sitting in the locker room of the natatorium after a long practice. He had stayed behind to swim on his own thinking about Ed's intervention. His mind was heavy with thoughts and emotions. There was a hopelessness that he felt just waiting around for Kevin to process the situation. There wasn't much he felt like he could do now but leave the boy alone, but every part of him wanted nothing more than to kiss the hell out of Kevin Barr.
But how much could he apologize to make up for his mistake?
He couldn't, he realized.
There was no way an apology, no matter how heartfelt, that would make up for hurting a person. Eddward messed up and this might've been the last chance he had had with Kevin Barr. But Eddward needed Kevin to know he was sorry despite it all.
Now, what happened today?
Honestly, Eddward couldn't give an answer. This was how his brain worked, as soon as he was in a crisis he would run to Sam. Although he had done it completely out of habit, and unconsciousness. The worst part about this was that Sam–notorious for being hard to find–Dubois, wanted Eddward to be beside him. Eddward stuck like a moth to a flame.
Sam was safe and yet he was destructive.
Eddward inhaled him like nicotine.
Maybe that was why he had given in to Sam's seduction once again. Despite the trauma of the betrayal from the last time, he always ran back to Sam.
Eddward was terrible, he knew it was. He knew he wasn't good for Kevin. Kevin deserved someone who wasn't a ticking time bomb. Deserved to have a normal highschool romance, and not have anxiety over the idea that Eddward was on the edge of suicide twenty four seven.
When Eddward realized the reason Kevin stayed at the house rather than storm out of the house like he had planned to, it had broken him. He hadn't figured it out until Kevin had stepped outside and sat on the porch. Because Kevin couldn't be in the same house as Eddward, couldn't look at him and was angry beyond belief but he hadn't left.
Kevin had said he couldn't leave.
As if he didn't have the option of leaving despite clearly wanting to.
Kevin had stayed, worried Eddward would have run upstairs with his knife in his hand.
Was he really that hopeless?
Was he really that fragile?
Was he really that pathetic?
The knife in question was in his hand and despite being out, he had absolutely no desire to ruin his body. Eddward was heart broken, not mind fucked. There was a sense of disassociation that happened whenever he entered that dark state of mind. His depression started with the voices, then his vision would fog and his body would take actions that he couldn't seem to control.
When he'd look at the mess on his body, he would think, this is exactly what I deserve.
There was a click sound from the locker room door opening surprising Eddward. He clutched the knife in his hand tightly, hiding the knife from the view of whoever had entered the room. A team mate surely who had left something behind. He was about to call out when he noticed the footsteps were hesitant making their way to the stalls.
Eddward stayed quiet, curious now but his heart was hopeful.
Kevin came into view, his gaze had been towards those stalls and upon seeing them all empty he turned to see Eddward sitting on the bench staring back. There was joy in Eddward's chest, a bouncy feeling of knowing that Kevin was looking out for him. Even though Kevin was mad, he still cared about Eddward.
They stood staring at each other for a long moment and Eddward was far too in awe noticing the way Kevin's ginger's hair fell onto the boy's freckled face that he hadn't noticed when Kevin's attention shifted. Before Eddward knew it Kevin hands were peeling Eddward's fingers away from whatever it was that he was holding ungodly tight in his grasp.
Kevin's face had turned pale and scared and suddenly Eddward wanted to take the pain away from him. He was sorry for hurting him and he shouldn't be making that kind of face. There was a grip on his hand and Kevin's warm fingers were on his bare skin. Green eyes were relieved.
Eddward finally looked down to find that Kevin had pulled his sleeve up and his fingers were caressing his old scars.
Oh
Eddward ripped his hand away from Kevin feeling guilty all over again.
Kevin couldn't even go through an entire day without thinking Eddward would hit rock bottom. And it hurt to know he had chained Kevin down like this. Was this all about pity?
"What are you doing here?" Eddward asked, looking down at his exposed scars.
Kevin didn't respond.
With a slow gaze upward, Eddward found Kevin's face filled with conflict.
"Pumpkin?" Eddward tried.
"You went to Sam then?" Kevin asked. The hands clutching the knife were incredibly ghostly from the sheer force of the grip.
Eddward didn't know how to respond. But he let out an exhausted sigh, "More like he found me," he said quietly. It was true after all.
"He forced you to stay with him?"
There was anger in Kevin's tone and it frustrated Eddward. "No," he said, "he didn't."
"What do you think was his goal, Eddward?" Kevin's voice was strained, there was jealousy there.
"This wasn't to do with you," Eddward tried to calm Kevin down, but honestly there was something in his chest that screamed for the jealousy to come out more. He wanted Kevin to kiss him right now, and never stop kissing him until all Eddward was worried about was how to satisfy the ginger haired boy.
"It was," Kevin said, angrily, "He was basically parading you and those fucking marks!"
Ah, Eddward thought. He had forgotten all about the hickeys covering his neck, and not one of them belonged to Kevin… Oh, Eddward realized. He hadn't even tried to cover them, and here he was strolling around school showing off Sam Dubois rather than Kevin Barr.
Shit, Eddward thought, angry at himself all over again.
He hadn't even properly looked at himself in a mirror, wasn't worried about his appearance or anything else. Nothing mattered if it did not have to do with Kevin Barr.
"I get angry all over again just seeing you like this," Kevin's voice was heavy and it did so many things to Eddward's heart and brain. Kevin's hand wandered to Eddward's neck and Eddward stayed quiet letting the boy process the jealousy. "When will he go away?"
Eddward leaned his head to Kevin's arm letting the boy's finger roam into his hair.
"I want to kiss you," Kevin said quietly, almost in a surrender.
Eddward felt his face flush at this statement and when he looked up he could see Kevin's wanting gaze on him.
"Can I?" Kevin asked.
Eddward was surprised by the question, but it allowed him to come back to reality. "Of course you can, Pumpkin," he said amused.
And it was wonderful.
Unlike the rough kiss they shared the prior night where there was hatred and guilt and regret and jealousy. This one was sweet, and tender and Eddward yearned for more.
Kevin hesitantly shifted into sitting on Eddward's lap, "Is this ok?" he asked once more.
Eddward was confused by all the sudden questions, but it made him feel something different in the pit of his chest. Something almost freeing. "Yes," Eddward replied, because of course this was ok. With Kevin, it was all ok.
Kevin kissed him again just as soft as before and it almost felt as if the anger had died down. As if the fight from the previous night had never happened and Eddward wanted to feel this light forever. Wrapped up in Kevin, filled with Kevin and kissing Kevin.
Freckled fingers were on his neck again and Kevin pulled back once more, and Eddward had never seen any person so beautiful as Kevin Barr.
"Can I?"
It took a minute for Eddward to focus on what Kevin was asking. So many questions and Eddward had no mind for it right now. "What?" he questioned.
"Can I mark…over these?" Kevin's fingers ran through each individual mark Sam had left.
There was once again heat flushed all over from his ears to his neck, and Eddward nodded not trusting his voice. Yet Kevin didn't move, instead he looked at Eddward as if waiting for the proper answer.
"Yes," Eddward said breathlessly, realization hitting him like a rock.
For some reason Kevin was looking for consent. His consent. Giving him the option of yes and no, stop and go.
He didn't know why, but Eddward was even more enamored with Kevin. His kisses were so delicate and Eddward knew Kevin was holding back because this was the first time since they got together that they had taken it so incredibly slow. It was almost tortuous.
Now this was alternating something in Eddward's body that he hasn't felt before. This, he wanted.
Kevin bit down hard enough that it sent shivers through Eddward's body. For the first time, Eddward was truly and madly enveloped by want. He allowed Kevin to wrap his hands around his back and into his hair.
One, two, three, four…five. Five times, Eddward counted whenever Kevin bit him and then immediately soothed the injured skin.
Five times, Eddward realized, horrified. Five times Sam bit him, and it was a moment he hadn't counted nor paid attention to. At the moment he had been thinking about Kevin, had kept his eyes closed and just allowed the moment to pass.
He kept his eyes on Kevin's reddened ear now.
Kept his focus on the comfort of freckled hands holding onto him.
Kept his mind on the idea of more.
He wanted more from Kevin.
Wanted to be able to show how much this ginger boy was driving him crazy.
Then Kevin pulled off and stared at the work of art that must be painted all over his neck. He could feel the tenderness all over his exposed skin and it brought a fresh new warmth all over his face upon catching Kevin's lustful stare.
Then those darkened green eyes moved to look up at him before Kevin sighed out as if frustrated. His hand rubbed at his face before standing back up and Eddward wanted to grab his hand and sit him back down. But he didn't, he kept his hand gripping the bench where they had been this whole time.
"I'm still so mad," Kevin said quietly.
Eddward had no words to say, this felt like a dream. A good dream.
Kevin Barr was a dream.
Ginger hair so perfect and full, eyes like a wild forest and freckles like stars.
Eddward had for the first time experienced something new in his short 17 years of life. Something he thought he would never feel, but here he was looking up at Kevin radiant as the rising sun. And Eddward was the moon, forever doomed to chase after but never be able to exist during the same time.
Yet, what he had experienced just then?
That had been a solar eclipse.
His brain like thrashing waves and body pulled into the gravitational pull of their shared experience.
"That's ok," was all Eddward was able to say, still trying to control his breathing.
Kevin's eyes lowered down to what Eddward assumed was his neck once more, before there was red coated through Kevin's freckled ears and onto his cute nose and cheeks.
"You don't owe me forgiveness," Eddward said, "I fucked up, and I'm sorry."
"The worst thing about this," Kevin said, eyes looking down to the floor, "is that I know you're telling me the truth."
Eddward's heart skipped at this statement. He was pleased to know that at the very least he had managed to convey his regret well enough. But there was still something…
"Pumpkin," Eddward started watching Kevin raise his gaze, "Don't feel inclined to be responsible for me." He raised his arms for Kevin to know what this was about. "Whatever I do, is not on you."
"I'm not!" Kevin said with a distressed face. It broke Eddward's heart to see. "That isn't about me feeling responsible–I just…"
"You came in here worried I was locked behind a stall again," Eddward said looking down at his covered arms remembering all the times Kevin had saved or comforted him. "You didn't leave the house when you clearly wanted to. I don't want you feeling like–"
"I know you carry a lot of guilt and regret," Kevin interrupted, his eyes reddening. "I don't want to see you hurting, but I can't forgive you. Not this time, and I don't know what to do because I'm adding to that guilt."
Eddward leaned forward catching Kevin's hands then and kissing them like a worshiper. "You're not the one adding to my regrets, Kevin. It's on me."
"But I don't want you to be alone knowing how miserable you feel in that house," Kevin cried, his tears falling on their hands. "It's been shit, knowing how your mind spirals Eddward. I know that your mind is a hurricane and one mistake causes a whole catastrophic event."
Eddward stood then wrapping Kevin in the biggest hug.
"I won't, I promise," he said with every fiber of his sanity. "Knowing you care so much, that's enough for me to keep my head above water."
"That's why you took the pills, isn't it?"
Eddward pulled back, confused. "What do you mean?"
"You said that over the weekend, you had taken the pills," Kevin's eyes were tearful still, "Because you didn't want to feel the regret of what you and Sam did."
Eddward let go of Kevin, thinking back on that morning he had taken the pills. He hadn't been able to sleep all night and well yeah, it had been because he had wanted out of his own explosive thoughts.
"Was it just the pills?"
Eddward didn't know how to respond, because no it hadn't been. The whole weekend had been, as Kevin put it, a catastrophic event. Between the pills, the drinking, and cigarettes and then, the itch to punish himself.
Eddward had been messed up emotionally because of his father but it had been the night with Sam that had been the thing to send him off the rails.
"No, it wasn't," Eddward admitted.
"What happened, after?" Kevin asked.
"Honestly, I don't remember most of it," Eddward said, "I was either drunk or high or passed out."
He heard Kevin sniffle holding back more tears and Eddward wanted nothing more than to kiss it all better. Tell him he wouldn't ever again, but that was the thing with him. Eddward was chaos itself. Something like a hug from his father or a regretful hookup would send him into a self destructive mode, his thoughts screaming at him to destroy himself.
He could promise to play hero, to save the day, to protect him. But he could never keep any promises when it meant to save himself.
Eddward felt like he was made of glass sometimes. A if a small pebble would crack him into a million pieces. It was pathetic.
"How many times will I beg for you to talk to me?" Kevin said quietly.
"Kevin," Eddward said, defeated. "I'm a lot, and there's a lot I don't understand myself and I don't want to burden you. You have a lot going on as is."
"It's been a year," Kevin said, stepping back crossing his arms in disapproval. "You don't think I don't know all of that. I want to help, Eddward. I know I can help, but you won't let me and you trust that keeping it all bottled in will end well for you. It doesn't, it never does."
"I'm Pandora's box," Eddward said with a frown.
"I know," Kevin said quietly. "I've known."
Eddward really wanted to kiss Kevin, there were no words in his vocabulary that represented the amount of affection he felt for Kevin. Kevin had stayed, continued to stay despite his fuck ups and that meant so much to him.
He was about to lean in but remembered Kevin's sudden importance with consent and asked "Can I kiss you?"
Kevin's eyes widened at that but he looked away and shook his head. "No," he said quietly.
There was respect in the midst of a broken heart. Eddward watched as Kevin stepped away as if about to leave and he wanted nothing more than to keep him and rewind time to when they were kissing on the bench.
"This isn't going to work out unless you talk to me," Kevin said quietly, "I'm tired of asking. So, this is going to be the last time I ask. For your own well being and for mine, just talk to me, Eddward Vincent."
With that Kevin walked away and out of the locker room.
Oh if Eddward could rewind time.
If he could pull Kevin just as Kevin had pulled him.
If Eddward wasn't such a coward.
If he was brave enough to crack open his head and allow Kevin to see every bit of chaos that made him up.
He'd let Marie see his madness, and it had destroyed her.
He couldn't let Kevin see it.
He couldn't afford to destroy that radiance.
If Eddward Vincent was the destroyer of Kevin Barr, now that would be something he could never come back from.
Eddward was afraid.
…
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