New story. I started it a few years ago and am trying to get back into writing. If there's interest, I'll continue posting. I have a few chapters done, just need some editing and I want to finish the story. So here goes nothing.
Chapter 1: In a New York MinuteNew York was everything and nothing that Rachel imagined. She thought her star power along with some hard work, nothing she wasn't accustomed to already, would have landed her on Broadway in a whirlwind of extraordinary events. But it wasn't happening.
NYADA was hard. She expected it, but she also expected to be in a room with people who would be equally as competitive and in awe of her talent as she was theirs. She expected to meet more people like her. Instead, it was high school all over again.
The students hated her. The teachers hated her. That didn't change, only now, she was in competition with people who were just as good and just as focused on the same goal. It was lonely being around people just like her.
She worked at her job, she went to class, she auditioned every chance she got, and nothing ever came of it.
And all of that was the least of her problems.
For all her ambition, life liked to throw one natural disaster after another in her face.
Now Finn was gone – gone in a permanent way, not just in distance back in Ohio – her ex was a gigolo, and then…
No thinking, she reminded herself. Thinking hurt too much. Thinking led to more thinking which led to pain on top of pain.
So, she laid there in the silence of her room. No music played. No one kept her company. All that surrounded her were pointless things and city noises. Nothing felt like it was worth anything anymore. She was just tired. So tired….
A knock sounded at her door. She ignored it. Her head barely moved to even acknowledge the sound.
"Rachel, we know you're in there," Kurt said. "Please let me in."
Nothing. He was regretting asking Rachel's dads to pay for a contractor to build them actual walls to separate the rooms.
"Rach," he tried again, met with silence once more.
He sighed, his mind wandering. He had no idea what was going on, just that Rachel hasn't been Rachel lately.
"There was a Barbra sighting in Bushwick," he said, another feeble attempt.
Any other day, she might have been tempted by the farce. Today wasn't one of those days.
"Maybe you're sleeping still," he sighed. "Please, at least call your fathers back. I know you're tired and have been working extra shifts, but they keep calling me because you haven't been answering over the last few days. They want to know what your holiday plans are. They know you're not flying back to Ohio with us, but they want to talk to you. They asked if you got your birthday present. Did you? Call them back."
He knocked again, keeping Santana from banging on the door.
"Rachel, come on. Hun, you've barely left your room this week… I know it's hard. We're all hurting still, but you need to get back to life."
"Rachel," Santana interrupted, her hand rapidly rapping on the door. "Get your skinny, little, Jew ass out of that bed."
She remained unmoved, ignoring the world around her. Everything just felt so foggy. The world was a blur.
Outside her door, her two friends looked at each other in worry.
"This can't go on much longer," Santana said, dragging Kurt away from the door. "She's stressing me out and we know what happens when I'm stressed or angry. Snix be coming out."
"Santana. Hold it together. She's going to be okay. She just needs time."
"You do realize we're talking about Berry here, right? Diva. Drama queen extraordinaire. Okay to her is relative."
"She's still mourning Finn."
"Everyone is. The ogre was loved. This seems like more than that. She was doing better. We got her to go out with us. We celebrated her birthday. She was excited for the Winter Showcase. Hell, she won the showcase again. She was not the usual annoying Rachel, but she was getting there. This is a reversal."
"Why Santana, you almost sound sincere."
"I am, jackass."
Kurt sighed. He knew she was right. Rachel was backsliding. Finn's death hit her hard. She was feeling lost and sad and threw herself into work and perfecting her showcase. It was how she dealt, and it worked. They kept an eye on her and thought she was doing okay.
Clearly, she wasn't.
But she was managing. Then she wasn't. They had no idea what set her off, and she wasn't willing to talk about it. They tried, especially over the last few days when she seemed to do a complete 180. She was a wall, though, blocking them out.
"What can we do?"
"Drag her ass back to Ohio and do a Glee-vention."
"That might help if we could get her there, but she's probably rooted into that bed now. I haven't seen her in three days. Not much at all really – not since she won the showcase."
Since then, they realized, she had become a nocturnal creature. She stayed in bed all day and paced the loft all night. She skittered about like a ghost. The only reason Kurt saw her was because he waited for her to come home from work on her birthday to surprise her with a vegan birthday cupcake that he splurged on at the artisan bakery.
He was the one in for the real surprise when she nearly punched him in the face after he yelled, "surprise."
"It's just me. It's Kurt," he said, shielding himself with the pastry box.
"I'm sorry," she was quick to utter. "I'm so sorry."
She just ran into her room and slammed the door shut. He thought he heard crying, but any attempts to speak with her went unanswered. The cupcake remained uneaten the next morning and the morning after that.
Here they were, three days later, and they hadn't seen her since. Now he and Santana had to catch a plane back home for the holidays, and they weren't comfortable leaving her alone.
Rachel, however, heard their conversation. As much as she wished to fade into oblivion, she had to get up. She had to put on her show face and big girl panties and make them think she was fine. She wasn't, but she didn't want them to know. She didn't want anyone to know.
For all the times she wanted to be the center of attention, this time, she just wanted to disappear into the background. It was funny how life worked sometimes.
"It's just a test of your acting skills," she told herself.
Reluctantly, she got off the bed, threw on a jacket, grabbed her bag, and opened her door.
"I have to go to work," she said, not meeting either of their eyes. "Have a safe trip. We'll do presents when you get back. Please give your families my best. Happy holidays. See you soon."
It was all she could manage before practically running from the apartment.
"That did nothing to make me feel better," Santana quipped. "Totally, absolutely nothing wrong with that picture."
"She didn't even hug us goodbye…" He let that hang in the air with a bitter taste.
Since Finn's death, Rachel had been a little clingy. She would hug them more and always before leaving… Just in case it was the last hug. So, the lack of one was noticed, even if she had been better about it lately.
"She'll be fine, right? I mean, she's supposed to be helping with some of the winter courses at NYADA and working at the diner, so she'll be fine…"
"Yeah," Santana weakly agreed. "She'll be fine."
"It's only a few days…"
A few days could be a lifetime, though, and it only took a moment to change a life.
The truth was more than they knew. Finn's death made Rachel feel like her world upended, especially at first. The shadow of what if would always stay with her, but she had a support system that helped cover the void. She started to feel a little less off kilter the more normal she tried to act. She wasn't over it, but she wasn't living in the shadows of it anymore. She wanted to focus on school and live.
But something always happened to ruin a good moment.
The last few weeks were hard. When Thanksgiving hit, the realization that she would never celebrate another holiday with Finn hit her too. They would never get back together, never have their two kids to celebrate a mix of Hanukah and Christmas with, and, most importantly, she would never have him.
It was like learning about his death all over again.
She tried to bounce back. She focused on her midterms and took extra shifts. Then she started focusing on the Winter Showcase. Slowly, the pain lessened because she was so focused on other things. The loss would always be with her, but distraction helped.
Just as she started to feel more like herself, dance 201 became her nightmare. The TA, Jasper Brawn, offered to help. Cassandra July was pushing her to her limits, but Jasper made her feel like she could rise above and really be as great as Ms. July wanted her to be.
She went to extra lessons early in the mornings before class and late at night after work, determined to get better and to add dance into her showcase performance. She did improve. She aced her exam, and she won the showcase, but it all came at a cost.
Everything always came at a cost.
This one, though, she wasn't sure she could ever recoup.
The damage was done.