HEY GUYS I HOPE YOUR READY FOR ANOTHER LONG CHAPTER FILLED WITH ANGST BECAUSE I FEEL EVIL FOR SOME REASON. THIS CHAPTER FOCUSES ON AMBER'S FIRST THERAPY SESSION AND ANDREW'S SIDE OF THIS NEW CHALLENGE IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP. I USED MY KNOWLEDGE OF THERAPY I LEARNED FROM WATCHING TV SO BEAR WITH ME. ENJOY AND REVIEWS ARE WELCOME!
Chapter 35: Girl Interrupted
8:00 AM
SCENE: ANDREWS APARTMENT
(Amber is sitting on the couch reading Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows when she hears a knock on the door and puts the book down. She goes to the door and finds Carly Davis on the other side in her mask and casual clothes)
Amber: You Carly?
Carly: I am, I'm guessing your Amber.
Amber: Yeah, I am. Thanks for taking the time to do this in person I just don't feel comfortable going all Good Will Hunting over a screen. So, I don't know what we can go in 50 minutes but let's get to it. The sooner the better so I can forget all about it and move on.
Carly: (Grins) Your sister-in-law told me you were impatient, that's why she requested I be here for more than an hour.
Amber: (Squints at her) How much more?
Carly: Amber, I moved things around so I could be here with you all day, which wasn't easy. So, I'm hoping you'll let me in.
Amber: Uh yeah come on in, (Carly comes in) I'm sorry about the smell I've just been here the last three days holed up eating bad thai.
Carly: It's fine I do work at a treatment center and you won't believe how many patients write vulgar words on the walls with their own feces.
Amber: I'm really hoping my sister wasn't one of them. So, uh…how does this work? Do you just ask questions and I answer them and you do your therapy voodoo?
Carly: (Chuckles) Essentially yes but we're not there yet, we haven't even begun our day together yet.
Amber: Okay so how do we start?
Carly: Well, we start (Pulls out questionnaire) by you grabbing a pencil and filling out these bubbles.
Amber: (Raises eyebrow) What?
Carly: It's a questionnaire I give to all my patients when we start our first session. It helps me realize what I'm dealing with and what it's gonna take to help you. You went to med school so exams are something you're used to.
Amber: Yeah, when it's about the anatomy not about me. I don't see the point of this thing or how it's gonna help me.
Carly: (Grins) Appendectomies, pig parts replacing aortic valves and if I read correctly you helped create a pen that told you what kind of cancer your treating. (Chuckles) I'm just saying I wanna know the first guy that said to somebody, "My brain hurts." And the other guy was like, "If I cut it open, I promise it'll feel better." And the first guy was like, "Cool." But hey science.
Amber: (Slightly grins) I get it therapy is like surgery but I don't understand the process. Well Jo swears that you're the best for my first time doing this and you helped her with her trauma…after she was told by her cold bio mom that she was a product of rape. I figured if it helped her with that baggage then why the hell not give it a try.
Carly: Okay then let's get started shall we?
MEANWHILE
SCENE: MAYA AND CARINA'S APARTMENT
(Andrew is sitting up in bed virtually chatting with his therapist, Dr. Harrison James about Amber)
Andrew: So yesterday she sends her sister to me to tell me that she needs to be alone in the apartment with her therapist to get an assessment. I want her to get help so of course I said yes and I packed up my stuff and spent the night at my sisters.
James: Have you talked to her recently? Asked her how she's feeling?
Andrew: No.
James: Why is that?
Andrew: Because the last time I kindly asked about her mental health she unleashed her rage at me and used me as her own punching bag.
James: How did you react when that happened?
Andrew: …I took it. I sat there and let her put me down verbally because it's the same thing I did with her when I was manic. The only difference is neither of us threw things at the walls or slapped each other. Is that progress? Does that mean she's not gonna be sent to the loony bin like me?
James: Andrew-
Andrew: Right, right I know loony bin is canceled now that mental health is being taken seriously and treatment involves more than mind numbing drugs and ice picks in brains. But still is this different from what happened with me?
James: …I can't give a professional opinion because I haven't met Amber let alone had a session with her. I can tell you that every person's mental health crisis is different and that sometimes it needs time in a psych ward for doctors to supervise them and other times it needs medication and therapy over a screen. Amber is starting today by finding out what the problem is and how to best treat it. This is a good thing Andrew, it means she can finally start to move on from the trauma that was forced on her life in a healthy way.
Andrew: (Nods grimly) Right yeah that's good.
James: …How do you feel about that?
Andrew: Amber is numb but that's to be expected after the rage party she had when Mance's dumbass wife threw a cringe scene in the lobby at her.
James: I wasn't asking about Amber I want to know how you feel right now.
Andrew: …um…you know what I'm good, I'm great. I'm spending some quality time with my sister and-
(Andrew hears female moaning from the next room and groans in disgust)
Andrew: And my sister is spending quality time with her girlfriend before she gets deported, lucky me that the walls are thin. I gotta go to work, I'll see you tomorrow, same time.
James: And-
(Andrew ignores him and closes the laptop getting up and coming out of the room to get ready to leave)
9:10 AM
SCENE: ANDREWS APARTMENT
(Amber fills in the last bubble and hands the paper to Carly who looks it over quietly for a few moments)
Amber: Is it a brain tumor or something?
Carly: (Exhales and rips the paper in half)
Amber: (Eyebrow raised) Jeez is it that bad?
Carly: This type of questionnaire only works for people who give honest answers and these answers are made to impress me.
Amber: (Scoffs) And let me guess Jo filled it out truthfully when you did this to her?
Carly: Nope absolutely not she did it the same as you. (Chuckles) You know for two women who aren't related by blood you and her are very similar.
Amber: Nut cases with scary childhoods and traumatic adulthoods?
Carly: Strong women who are so used to taking care of themselves they detest anyone who even tries to help them.
Amber: I get it this test was supposed to tell you how thick my layers are, how did I do?
Carly: Oh, Jo was right to get me to clear a day with you. I might need a sledgehammer to get past those layers.
Amber: Go ahead a sledgehammer might be the best feeling I've had in weeks.
Carly: Well before we get into that let's start with a conversation between friends.
Amber: Before this morning you were my sister's therapist, I never met you so I don't consider you a friend.
Carly: (Unfazed) What's you feeling right now?
Amber: (Exhales and looks at the core feelings Carly listed on a paper) Fear, I feel fear because this one sit down determines if I'm crazy or not.
Carly: (Stands up and walks to a bookshelf) So let's step away from the therapy for now and just talk, woman to woman not patient to therapist.
Amber: About what?
Carly: (Holds The Hobbit) Like how does a surgeon find the time to read fantasy during a pandemic? That's what I want to know.
(Amber raises her eyebrows at Carly's 180 turn)
LATER
SCENE: GREY SLOAN PSYCH WARD
(Andrew does a physical on a patient who is complaining of stomach pain)
Andrew: Tell me if it hurts when I press down.
Ted: (Groans) Yeah it does.
Andrew: (Checks chart) They upped your dosage?
Ted: I have psychosis so they're experimenting with a cocktail they think will keep the intruders away. They said the side effects would go away in a couple of weeks.
Andrew: Yeah they're right, believe me those meds are brutal at first but your body builds a tolerance and you won't feel as sluggish.
Ted: Patients with this cocktail?
Andrew: Something like that. If the pain continues after five days get a nurse to call me and I'll order a CT.
(Andrew leaves the room and stops when he hears yelling and turns to see a man yelling at a teenage girl)
Man: You're not listening! You don't belong here, get out, GET OUT!
Therapist: That's enough Tom who don't we go back to your art project?
(The therapist takes Tom away and Andrew turns to leave when the girl speaks to him)
Mia: Who are you?
Andrew: (Stops and turns to her) I'm Dr. DeLuca I'm visiting from the surgical floor.
Mia: I'm Mia and that guy was right. I don't belong here; all the doctors think I'm crazy but I'm not.
Andrew: (Sympathizes with her) Yeah crazy is a canceled term if it's makes you feel better. And for the record crazy is something I would never use on a person who needs help. I have to go but if you need anything just ask the nurse to page me.
(Andrew leaves and Mia looks at him walking away with a glimmer of hope)
9:45 AM
SCENE: ANDREWS APARTMENT
(Amber pours her and Carly a cup of coffee after brewing a pot discussing their favorite books)
Carly: Don't get me wrong I love a medieval sex book as much as the next girl but there's porn and then there's art.
Amber: (Sips coffee) A dystopian future where women getting assaulted for breeding purposes is art?
Carly: Despite what you think it's actually relevant in today's political landscape. I mean a woman's reproductive right is constantly challenged by a group of men who call the shots. You're a doctor so you know how even after Roe vs Wade there are less doctors able to perform an abortion in this country alone.
Amber: And you don't think backstabbing and political overthrows are relevant today? Bitch please.
Carly: Last I checked our government doesn't wear skirts or swing swords in court. Plus, we live in a democracy not a monarchy.
Amber: You just complained about how it isn't, make up your mind.
Carly: I'll say anything to defend Margaret Atwood. I think you would too if you actually read it and not watch the first five minutes of the pilot.
Amber: My life is bleak enough as it is I don't need to watch it on my tv too. Plus, you know it would be very triggering for me.
Carly: I do, okay new game, I list two fictional characters and whichever one you don't pick will be removed from fantasy history forever. What do you say?
Amber: (Pfft) Easy go.
Carly: Samwise Gamgee or Tyrion Lannister.
Amber: (Shakes her head) Skip it.
Carly: You just said easy.
Amber: Yeah but you picked two of the best characters in each franchise and asked me to choose so…
Carly: Your right okay I'll pick something easy um…Iron Man or Captain America.
Amber: Are you trying to make me insane?
Carly: (Chuckles) Okay then who is your favorite character of all time can you answer that one?
Amber: Yeah, that's easy Harry Potter hands down.
Carly: Why?
Amber: (Looks at her baffled) Why? He's the chosen one, he's the one who defeated Voldemort, he pushed through the pain and feeling worthless and came out on the other side stronger than ever. Is that answer enough for you?
Carly: Yes, it is and it has given me insight into you more.
Amber: Insight what are you talking about?
Carly: Book worms like us choose a favorite character based on how much we relate to them and feel their stories similar to ours. It shows what kind of person you are by what kind of character you identify with the most.
Amber: (Rolls eyes) Right your absolutely right I related to Harry when he killed the serpent of Slytherin with the sword of Gryffindor. Or how about that time he faced off against Voldemort in book 4 with his dead parents by his side I think I did that last week.
Carly: I see that I'm agitating you.
Amber: Well, you seem patronizing if you think some book tells you who I am.
Carly: It doesn't, what you say tells me the struggles you've had your whole life. Harry grew up with abusive and neglectful foster parents and you grew up with an abusive dad and neglectful mom with a mental illness.
Amber: Yeah, we had shitty childhoods that's what made me lean more towards Harry than Hermione like others expected me to.
Carly: (Nods) And feeling worthless is that something you share with Harry?
Amber: (Chuckles darkly) Yeah, I made a mistake blurting that out um yeah. There were times I felt worthless like I didn't matter but it's to be expected with what I grew up with.
Carly: Your right every girl feels worthless at some point in their life, it can be when their teenagers or when they get their first job but it happens. It's how often you feel that way that is the capital T trauma in your life.
Amber: Lady I don't have a capital T trauma in my life. I had a junkie dad who left, a schizophrenic mom who didn't take her meds, a brother who inherited the disease and a professor who raped me and left me bleeding in his office.
Carly: Right but is there a specific image you had in your head growing up that gave you that message? That your worthless?
Amber: (Scoffs and leans back)
Carly: Okay I want you to close your eyes for me can you do that?
Amber: (Exhales and closes her eyes)
Carly: Now I am going to say something and I want you to tell me the first thing that pops in your head, can you do that? (Amber nods) Okay. You are nothing, you are worthless. Tell me what you see right now.
Amber: (Inhales and fists left hand) I see Alex, my brother, he's…I asked him where dad was and he sat me down and told me…he told me that he left and that he wasn't coming back.
Carly: How old are you there?
Amber: I'm four, but he left when I was two. Alex made him leave after he got a call from school that I was at the hospital. I was being toilet trained and…I guess I had an accident in my pants or Jimmy was just high I don't know. But Jimmy held my hand over the toilet bowl and…slammed the lid down. It broke two of my fingers and three bones. I don't remember that moment specifically but my brothers told me later what happened. Alex got DFS off our backs and the next day he beat Jimmy so bad the bastard ran out the second he was discharged from the ER. I never saw him again after that. (Shakes her head) I don't know why that moment pops up when I don't even remember him actually doing it and it's so small compared to everything else in my life after that.
Carly: So, let's start small and work from there.
10:03 AM
SCENE: THE PIT
(Owen gowns up and meets the paramedics wheeling Mia in who lies on her side on the gurney)
Owen: What do we got?
Paramedic: Suicide attempt, 15-year-old female from psych. She swallowed bleach and hand soap from the bathroom.
Owen: Okay trauma one let's move. Let's call toxicology and get an ng tube in her, push calcium gluconate and hang a magnesium drip. Let's call psych when she's stable.
Mia: (Grips Owen's arm) You have to get Dr. DeLuca for me I need to talk to him.
(Owen looks at Mia confused as they wheel her in the room)
CUT TO BLACK
SCENE: TRAUMA ONE
(Owen checks Mia's vitals while Andrew talks to her)
Andrew: Mia when I said to call me if you need anything I meant page me through a nurse.
Mia: I tried but they didn't want to, they just told me to go back to my room or I'll be restrained. I know how this looks but I wasn't trying to kill myself I was trying to get down here and see you.
Andrew: Mia-
Mia: Look you don't know what it's like up there this was the only way I could see you. Nobody listens to the girl in a six month hold at psych.
Andrew: Okay Mia, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here and not calling psych, what is going on?
Mia: You have to help me get me out of there. I'm not crazy I swear to you, I got locked up after I got in a fight with my mom. She's manic depressive and has been for years.
Andrew: Mia I'm a general surgeon not a psychiatrist I can't sign a release form for psych.
Mia: My mom came at me with a hammer, she thought I was trying to turn her in after I tried to get her to take her pills. I defended myself, that doesn't make me crazy, does it?
Andrew: (Sighs) No it doesn't. If what you're saying is true it would be reasonable to defend yourself.
Mia: (Relieved) You see? You're the only one who said that. All the other doctors thing I'm crazy but my mom is the one who should be locked up.
(Andrew and Owen look at each in worry)
CUT TO THE PIT
(Andrew and Owen walk and talk)
Owen: How did you meet her again?
Andrew: I did a physical on a patient there I met her and told her to call me if she needed help.
Owen: Okay and what did you say to make her come here?
Andrew: All I said was crazy is a word I'd never use.
Owen: Well she's young and in a desperate situation she thinks she found an ally in you.
Andrew: I am hell we all are just because she came from a psych ward doesn't make her less worthy than our regular patients.
Owen: I'm not saying that I'm just pointing out what's happening here. Of course, she's a patient and we will treat her for her illness but keep in mind that her chart indicates she has borderline personality disorder with bouts of depression and paranoid delusions. You know as well as I do that people who suffer from these disorders can be very persuasive and manipulative.
Andrew: And what if she's not?
Owen: Then we'll have a psychiatrist talk to her and determine if she is actually mentally stable. I have to go flush her system; I'll get back to you.
(Owen leaves Andrew in the pit who still feels unsettled by Mia's situation)
10:47 AM
SCENE: ANDREWS APARTMENT
(Amber recounts what happened in her life after Jimmy left her to Carly who listens)
Amber: I never felt like it was my fault. I know you would think that but my brothers made sure I knew that. They told me the whole gory story of how my junkie dad beat them up while he was high and how he told them repeatedly that I was a metaphorical hole in a condom accident that only existed because my mother was too moral of a person to abort me. I know growing up that I was lucky he walked out when he did because I would be more screwed up.
Carly: Nobody is calling you a screw up; do you feel like you made decisions that negatively impacted your life?
Amber: (Scoffs) No…I mean…maybe there were sometimes that I…made poor choices that almost cost me the most important people in my life.
Carly: Can you give me an example?
Amber: (Exhales and stands up) It was the beginning of the year and…God this is a really long story.
Carly: Well, it's good thing we have about 10 hours to go, let's fill it.
Amber: Okay my brother lied and told me he was going to visit our mom to help her move but actually he was going to visit his ex in Kansas. I know what your thinking and it wasn't like that, I thought it at first and I punched the living hell out of Alex when two kids came downstairs. Those kids called him dad and I knew I was in for a treat. His ex wife Izzie got pregnant after she was cured of cancer and did IVF with embryos fertilized by my brother. She used them and she didn't tell us about the twins for five years. You can imagine my fury at this woman I already hated because she put my favorite person through hell and I was also angry at my brother who so blindly believed her when she called. I know she went through chemo but if there was a chance she was gonna uproot my family's life because she couldn't take care of two kids she conceived in the back of a dumpster I had to expose her.
Carly: Did you express those concerns to Alex?
Amber: Of course, I did and like an idiot he rejected it, he told me that Izzie wasn't like that and that it wasn't possible for her to conceive naturally. He wouldn't budge and he told me to trust him on that and I said okay. I said okay even though I had serious doubts.
Carly: What made you want to trust your brother at that moment?
Amber: …I didn't, I didn't trust him in that moment because he lied to me and Jo for weeks to visit his ex. I especially didn't trust Izzie because from what I heard at the time she was the anti-Christ with an MD. I didn't want that woman to drag my brother into her crap again so I decided to do what he couldn't at the time. I did what I felt I had to do to protect my family.
Carly: (Catches on) You did a DNA test behind his back.
Amber: Yeah I did a DNA test behind his back and behind Izzie's back so I only half regretted it at the time.
Carly: How did you do this? Tell me what you did to get DNA to test against your brothers.
Amber: Uh…I was doing Alexis's hair and plying with her and Eli having the time of our lives when I told them to go to the kitchen so we can bake. They left and when I was alone I…I grabbed a piece of Alexis's hair from her brush, put it in a bag and headed straight to a clinic to test it against my DNA when I left. (Carly's eyes widen) I know not my best moment. Anyway, the results came back the next day and it showed me and Alexis are related. It turns out Alex was right and I was wrong, I should've trusted him and I didn't.
Carly: And how did the news make you feel?
Amber: I was happy when I found out, I mean the idea of Izzie lying to him and claiming those kids were his stopped from fully grasping auntie status. When I found out she didn't lie I was overjoyed at the prospect of having a niece and nephew to spoil. I went out and got them gifts and when I came back all hell broke loose.
Carly: How so?
Amber: Izzie found the paper when she was cleaning my room and she and Alex confronted me that night. I told them that I was trying to protect Alex and Jo but Izzie didn't have it, she was pissed about what I did and felt I was a danger to the twins.
Carly: And how did you react after she told you that?
Amber: I snapped at her, I-I was so angry at her and how she pretended to be this freaking angel I treated her like the devil instead. I pointed out all the mistakes in her life that either killed or ruined people forever thanks to her. And then in a stellar fashion I called her a selfish stubborn bitch that doesn't care who she hurts as long as she gets her way.
Carly: And do you regret calling her that?
Amber: Not right after but when she kicked me out and Alex didn't object, I did. I finally became an auntie to these two wonderful kids and what did I do? I imploded it and my relationship with my brother. I mean the only reason Alex is even still talking to me is because he comforted me after…
Carly: After what?
Amber: (Sighs) After my boyfriend kicked me out because I expressed concerns, he was exhibiting mania. I feel like we're getting off track here from one crappy moment in my life to another.
Carly: Okay well we can focus on whatever moment you want.
Amber: …I'll take the one where I called my former sister-in-law a bitch. My one bad choice to follow my brother almost cost me all the important relationships in my life.
Carly: How so?
Amber: (Chuckles darkly) Well you know about Alex but there's also my best friend Levi who sided with Izzie instead of me and I said he was a crappy friend.
Carly: Is he a bad friend?
Amber: (Guilty) Not in the slightest I-I guess I felt betrayed in that moment after everything that happened and-
Carly: Did he betray you?
Amber: (Eyes narrow) I just told you he sided with her and told me I was wrong.
Carly: You did but who was the one that pushed the other away? Did he tell you he didn't want to see you?
Amber: …No he didn't.
Carly: Did you? It's okay if you tell me I won't judge.
Amber: (Sighs) Yeah, I did. I…I don't know why I said that. He's entitled to his own opinion just like me and I disowned him because of that.
Carly: Can you recall how you were feeling in that moment?
Amber: (Groans and leans back) I…I remember feeling like I wanted to make him feel as bad as I did in that moment. I mean I was betrayed and kicked out and there he was in the middle of that lonely parking lot and…I saw a way to unleash it.
Carly: Well from what your sister told me you seem to be unleashing your anger at everyone you see fit. Did you snap at anyone else after that moment with Levi?
Amber: No I…I had other things on my mind after that that added fuel to the dumpster fire that was my life.
Carly: Okay I'm guessing this has to do with the boyfriend exhibiting signs of bipolar disorder?
(Amber reluctantly nods and drinks her water to get ready to unload that trauma)
Carly: What are you feeling right now?
Amber: (Looks at list) Pain.
11:19 AM
SCENE: RESEARCH LIBRARY
(Andrew goes over Mia's police report when Carina walks in)
Carina: Ciao.
Andrew: (Continues reading) Hey.
Carina: How's Amber? Have you talked to her?
Andrew: Not lately and not today. I'm busy reading this report.
Carina: What?
Andrew: Yeah, I ran into a psych patient this morning in the ward and told her crazy is a canceled term. She found a way out of there and drank hand soap to get herself in the pit. She told me about how her bipolar mom put her there after a fight when Mia defended herself. I'm reading this report the officer sent me and it is a mess, that apartment is visited all the time because neighbors called over domestic disputes involving the mom. She's been in and out of jail for assault and battery and is locked up in county right now while her daughter is in a six-month psych hold per her mom's request.
Carina: Andrea it might be proof that mental illness runs in the family and that Mia is hysteric like her mom.
Andrew: Or it's proof that Mia was committed against her will by an unstable mother. The only thing I know is that it was her mom's testimony that got her in there even though she is clearly an unreliable witness.
Carina: Okay so take this to psych and see what they say.
Andrew: No psych didn't look into this and they're just gonna see this as another reason Mia is crazy. She trusted me to get her out and I'm gonna get her out.
Carina: I'm just saying that this doesn't have to fall on your shoulders.
Andrew: (Sighs) I thought you of all people would understand.
Carina: Understand what?
Andrew: What it's like to suffer from a crazy parent who emotionally toyed with you and made you take care of them. I mean if you made papa try to take medication, he would probably commit you to just to live in his own crazy headspace.
Carina: And I sympathize with her but this isn't your department and I think you might be chasing goose so you can avoid what's happening at your place right now.
Andrew: (Stops reading and looks up with a frustrated face) This has nothing to do with Amber. This is about a girl who is being wrongfully imprisoned by her own mother and she looked to me to help her. I can't let her down not when I might be the only person who can help her.
Carina: Andrea, you are not the only doctor in this hospital and you don't have to carry this alone.
Andrew: (Agitated) Yeah well it feels like I have to since you and everyone else is backing the mother instead of her.
Carina: We are doctors we are questioning if her story is plausible it doesn't mean we are not concerned about her.
Andrew: (Shakes his head and inhales and exhales)
Carina: (Concerned) Are you taking your meds?
Andrew: (Taken back) What?
Carina: Your meds, are you taking them?
Andrew: (Scoffs) God you are unbelievable you know that? I tell you that I am angry about a patient being in psych where she doesn't belong and you immediately assume that I'm manic. I am taking my fucking meds and I am not manic I'm angry at this screwed up stigma on mental illness that makes it okay to hold teenagers against their will on the word of an actual sick person. I'm angry that a woman I love is using my apartment for therapy three days after she threatened to leave me because I wanted to help her. Are you gonna accuse me of being off my meds every time I get angry for the rest of my life like I'm papa? Because I am allowed to get angry after all the fucking shit that's been unloaded on my life since this year started!
Carina: Andrea-
Andrew: (Angry) Carina leave before I say something that will cause you to lock me in a psych ward like this mom did to Mia, go!
(Carina looks at Andrew hurt but leaves the room. Andrew exhales and continues back to the report)
11:26 AM
SCENE: ANDREWS APARTMENT
Amber: The morning after I came back, I visited him at the library and there he was tired and obsessive. He didn't even look at me, he was knee deep in those lectures he was reading but I could see he hadn't slept since I left. I calmly told him my concerns and he snapped at me; he told me to back off because I was so busy with my brother, I didn't know what happened in those last few days with him.
Carly: Was that the first time he snapped at you like that?
Amber: (Shakes her head) I wish…I told my boss about my concerns and she handed the case off to Grey.
Carly: I'm guessing he didn't like that as most manic depressives don't when things don't go their way.
Amber: You guess right he…he and I had a big fight here that night. I told him he needed to get help because he was starting to sound like his manic estranged father and…
Carly: And what?
Amber: (Sniffles) He told me that without him in my life I would've ended up like my father.
Carly: And how did you react?
Amber: I slapped the living hell out of him and he stormed out. I spent that night lying in bed regretting taking Carina's advice and going to see him.
Carly: Okay and what did you want to do originally?
Amber: What?
Carly: Before Carina came to talk to you what did you want to do when you realized your boyfriend had a mental illness? How did you first react?
Amber: (Sighs) I wanted to run. I had enough crazy in my life and I didn't want to deal with it again so I decided to run. I was in the lounge packing up my crap so I could get in my car and drive as far away as I could. If Carina wasn't there, I would probably be in Chicago right now making house calls.
Carly: So, you wanted to self-isolate and run away when you were overwhelmed with the possibility of your boyfriend having mania.
Amber: Yeah, I did.
(Carly looks at Amber in thought before writing more stuff in her notebook causing Amber to be annoyed)
12:12 PM
SCENE: THE PIT
(Andrew stands outside the trauma room where Walter Carr is talking to Mia and comes out)
Andrew: (Approaches him) So?
Walter: Mia doesn't have the characteristics of an unhinged teenager but more one who is desperate to escape her dire situation.
Andrew: So I was right?
Walter: Well her mother is an unreliable witness as you've said and I can do a more through exam to determine if Mia is in fact mentally stable and doesn't require a six month psych hold.
Andrew: Okay great.
Walter: But in order for me to do that I have to get conservatorship over her wellbeing. Dr. Brown has that and according to the courts he has to be the one to change the diagnosis. Brown is an egotistical ass who won't admit he made a mistake and locked a sane girl in there. I tried to get him to make an exception but he won't change his mind.
Andrew: (Groans) What about a court order?
Walter: With covid it can take weeks or months and Mia will be in the ward by then.
Andrew: This isn't right, this girl needs to get out now or someone else is just gonna keep her in there longer and she's actually gonna go insane.
Walter: Give me a couple of hours and I'll see what I can do in the meantime make sure Mia doesn't do anything to jeopardize this. I gotta go.
(Andrew nods and Walter leaves)
12:15 PM
SCENE: ANDREWS APARTMENT
(After talking about Andrew, they move on to Naomi, Erin and Abby)
Carly: How were you during the time you were treating Abby?
Amber: Jo did most of the work she talked to Abby and treated her hell she lined women in a hallway to make Abby feel safe. She told her story so that Abby could do a rape kit in case she wanted to press charges later. Jo did everything for Abby even though she found out she was conceived from such a horrible thing that was done to Abby.
Carly: I know how Jo treated Abby. What I'm asking is how did you treat her? Did you talk to her at all?
Amber: …I asked the usual questions like; is there family we can call or I just said yes whenever Jo or Teddy gave me something to do for her. I wasn't as invested as Jo was and I tried to get through it because she looked exactly like I felt, a wreck. I went through that and yet…I didn't say anything I just stayed quiet and hoped it would be over soon. (Voice breaks) I just shut my mouth and I didn't even ask if she was okay. I could've mended her pain but I was so focused on mine and how to avoid it.
Carly: You wanted to forget that's what you've been trying to do since the night you were attacked. You were convinced it would break you and you avoided any reminders of what happened when they brought Abby in. And seeing someone else in that pain and not doing anything made you feel guilty.
Amber: (Sniffles) Yes.
Carly: And that guilt made you realize that even though you can't face your own pain you would help mend others like you did with Erin and Naomi. You could've avoided them like with Abby but instead you fought tooth and nail to get them the care that they deserve and because of you those women don't have to live with that pain any longer. You did what you wished someone had done for you that night, you made sure they had someone who understood their suffering so they wouldn't feel alone or ashamed.
Amber: (Voice breaks) Yes.
Carly: You think that pain is making you weak and vulnerable so you tried to avoid it at all costs. You avoided it because the last time you were weak and vulnerable your father hurt you and left you. And feeling that pain again has caused you to shut down and go into fight or flight mode. It caused you to lash out at anyone who wants to help mend what Mance broke because it brings you back to the first time you were assaulted by a man. The man who was supposed to love and protect you ended up hurting you instead and the man who was supposed to teach you used you and left you hurting on the floor in unbearable physical pain…just like when you were two.
Amber: (Looks at Carly in thought and realizes she's right as she fists her left hand) When…when I treated Abby and Erin and Naomi my…my left-hand shook. I knew on some level why, when…when he hurt me that night, he twisted my left wrist so bad it broke and I had to wear a splint for a month. It's like the pain was there but not really because it wasn't broken. I thought it was a reaction from what Mance did but…but I don't know what hand my father put on the toilet bowl that day. Could this be because of that too?
Carly: It's possible that it's from both events, you were 2 years old when your father hurt you. Your brain may not have a memory of him slamming your fingers with the toilet seat but your body does. And your body felt the same way that night when a man you thought you could trust betrayed it and hurt you instead. And it happens again when you see a woman in the same pain as you, that's why your left hand shakes when it happens.
Amber: (Looks away and sobs silently) I thought I was lucky because he left before he could hurt me like he hurt my brothers…but I was wrong. He left his mark on all three of us.
Carly: He was the first person who showed you what real hurt is like and it never went away. It keeps following you and every hurt you've experienced reminded you of that subconsciously. But that didn't break you, he didn't break you like he tried to break your brothers. I'm gonna go off script and tell you what I think of you as a person. You had every reason to hurt people like you were hurt but you didn't. Instead, you used that pain he left and used it as a drive to help other people who are hurt and vulnerable like you were. You choose to be the person to mend pain instead of causing it, you helped a child escape slavery, you shared the worst moment of your life to a woman so she can feel brave enough to do a rape kit. You've taken that pain and turned it into a drive to be better, to be the person who should've helped you during your worst moments. And if the man who brought you into this world choose not to stick around and see it that was on him not on you, do you understand?
Amber: (Sniffles and tears run down her face)
Carly: (Sees her fisting her left hand) Let it go Amber, just let it go and let the pain out. Don't keep it inside, just let it out.
(Amber slowly uncurls her hand and it shakes. She gasps and cries as she finally lets the pain out. Carly sits there looking at Amber with sympathy as she continues to cry)
CUT TO BLACK
2:30 PM
(After crying for nearly half an hour and taking a short nap Amber opens the medicine cabinet and takes two aspirin with Carly in the living room watching her)
Carly: How are you feeling?
Amber: (Groans) I have a pounding headache and my eyes feel like I rubbed them with sandpaper…as for my core feeling I feel…safe.
Carly: That's good that means you're moving past the hypervigilance and starting to break down those layers of yours. Are you up for more therapy or do you want to take a break and start this again tomorrow?
Amber: (Exhales) If I do, I'll just try to forget what happened two hours so let's keep going. (Sits across from Carly) Where are we?
Carly: Well, how about we take a break from the big stuff and go back to small. We can start with what prompted you to go into medicine. Can you tell me the moment you decided you wanted to be a doctor?
Amber: Um…I don't remember a time I wasn't fascinated with biology and how the human body works. I didn't pick up rodents on the street and dissect them I wasn't that fascinated I just…I guess growing up with a schizophrenic mom made me curious on what caused that abnormality in her.
Carly: Did you often take care of your mom growing up?
Amber: That was Alex and Aaron's job. They tried to keep me away from her so I could be a kid and not have to face what they endured. They did their best but…you can only be away from that crazy for so long.
Carly: How were you exposed to it?
Amber: I was 6 I think and home alone with mom. She lost her job at the library so we couldn't afford a daycare for me. Alex and Aaron were at work during the summer trying to keep the lights on and they left me with mom. She was on her meds the day before and they thought she could be trusted with me. At first it was fine things were going good we were reading Alice in Wonderland when I asked to go to the bathroom. I went away for like five minutes when…I heard yelling and screaming. I thought it was an intruder so I-I hid in the closet. I stayed in there and I saw through the blinds that it wasn't an intruder it was my mom. She was holding a knife and running around frantic screaming 'where are you?' I remember being so scared at that moment and not just because my mom was like that but because I was alone in that house with her. I wanted to get out but I couldn't because I know my own mom would kill me if she did. I…I was so terrified that I couldn't breathe I couldn't move my heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest. All I remember is that I passed out in that closet and I woke up in bed with Aaron by my side while Alex took care of her. That was the first time I had a panic attack.
Carly: Do these attacks happen often?
Amber: Um no not really I learned some breathing exercises from Alex so whenever I felt anxiety I just did that and it helped. I know the triggers so I've managed to avoid situations that might cause them.
Carly: Your mom?
Amber: And closed spaces I try to avoid elevators and crowds because I get claustrophobic. As for my mom, I spent as much time out of that house of horrors as I could. I joined like five clubs when I was in school so I could avoid staying home in afternoons and weekends. During the summer I would join the neighborhood kids and play baseball in the sandlot.
Carly: You haven't seen a counselor for your anxiety?
Amber: No, I was a welfare girl so therapy wasn't exactly covered in our insurance because we didn't have any. I got pretty good at keeping it under most of the time.
Carly: But there were times when it was too much and you couldn't control it?
Amber: (Sighs) There were only two times that I had a full blown panic attack. The one time was after I realized that Andrew was sick like his dad and that was very triggering for me. If Carina wasn't there I would've been a hyperventilating mess sent to psych. The other time was…was the day before Andrew was going to go into treatment. I tried to get throught that day and keep my head down but instead I flashed back to the time my brother attacked me during an episode and…I snapped. I was breathing heavily, my heart was pumping fast, my feet felt like cement and I was having an attack in the middle of the pit with an audience.
Carly: And what happened? Did anyone help you?
Amber: Yeah my best friend Levi he helped me and I went back to normal pretty soon after. I just had to deal with everyone looking at me like I was a basket case.
Carly: Is that how you felt? That you were crazy because you had a panic attack?
Amber: …I am the daughter of a schizophrenic with a brother who snapped because he got that goddamn gene and a boyfriend with mania of course I felt like that. I-I know that schizophrenia and bipolar disorder can't be helped and that it was harder for them in their heads but…but I also blamed them for having it. (Swallows) I know that sounds awful.
Carly: No, it doesn't. There's a stigma in this country that people with mental illness are dangerous and shouldn't be given the same opportunities as us. But you…you had a front row seat to that madness and it made you believe that stereotype is true and that the people who were supposed to protect you choose to hurt you. It was completely understandable that you were afraid of their illness and in extension them.
Amber: No, I wasn't…
Carly: What? You weren't what?
Amber: (Voice breaks) I wasn't afraid of them…I was afraid of becoming them.
Carly: (Sees that she's in pain and stands up) Amber, I want to take you on a field trip of sorts. Would you be up for that?
Amber: (Looks at Carly warily but nods) Sure.
Carly: (Grabs jacket) Great I'll bring you back here later, I'm driving.
Amber: Wait right now?
Carly: Yes, right now.
(Amber looks at her confused but stands up and puts her jacket on and walks out of the apartment with Carly)
2:47 PM
SCENE: TRAUMA ROOM
(Andrew goes in to find Mia looking at him in panic)
Mia: Dr. DeLuca, they're telling me to get dressed. They're sending me back.
Andrew: I know I'm so sorry.
Mia: (Voice breaks) Andrew please…help me.
Andrew: I tried I did but Dr. Brown has conservatorship over you and according to the courts he has to be the one to change the diagnosis and I couldn't change his mind.
Mia: (Looks down and breathes uneasily)
Andrew: Mia I'm not giving up, okay? I'm not gonna stop fighting for you and you can't either stay strong. We'll figure something else out I promise it's just gonna take some time okay?
Mia: (Nods slightly)
(Andrew looks out and sees Dr. Carr talking to a nurse at the station)
Andrew: I'll be right back.
(Andrew approaches Dr. Carr)
Andrew: Dr. Carr, I know I don't have any definitive proof, but she is sane. I know it. We can't let her go back.
Walter: Slow down, Dr. Deluca.
Andrew: Look I know it sounds insane but I think Dr. Brown just doesn't want to admit that he misdiagnosed her.
Walter: I know, I agree with you. I'm filing an appeal.
Andrew: (Surprised) You don't think she's mentally ill?
Walter: I can't be positive, but either way, she should not be locked up on a long-term hold based solely on her mother's testimony.
Andrew: (Exhales in relief) Well whatever you need from me I can do it.
Nurse: (From trauma room) Need some help!
(Andrew runs back and finds Mia bleeding from her wrist holding a scalpel against it with Owen trying to apply pressure)
Andrew: (Shocked and grabs gloves) What happened?
Owen: Give me some pressure. She must've grabbed the scalpel from the cart. Tourniquet her arm and give me a hemostat.
Andrew: (Tourniquets her arm) It's tied.
Mia: (Desperate) I-I'm not crazy Andrew I'm not.
(Andrew looks at her with uncertain emotion and turns to see Walter standing by the doorway shocked by the scene)
3:12 PM
SCENE: SEATTLE ROAD
(Carly drives down the road with Amber in the passenger seat. Amber gets anxious)
Carly: What's your core feeling right now?
Amber: Fear, I'm going against my better judgment and getting rides from strangers.
Carly: (Chuckles) Don't worry we're almost there.
Amber: Almost where? Where are you taking me?
Carly: To see Veronica.
Amber: Okay and who is Veronica?
Carly: You'll find out soon enough.
Amber: It's not like you to be mysterious.
Carly: Well sometimes mystery is needed to make an impact.
(Carly parallel parks by a law firm and puts it into park)
Carly: Do you have change for the meter?
Amber: (Looks at her confused and pulls out a quarter from her pocket and gives it to Carly)
CUT TO LAW FIRM
(Carly takes lead with Amber following her. They stop inside a lavish office with a woman inside going over papers on her desk and looks up surprised to see Carly)
Veronica: Carly, hey.
Carly: (Grins) Hey Veronica I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time.
Veronica: Uh I am elbows deep in this deposition and civil rights lawsuit against a fledgling company but I can give you five minutes is that enough time?
Carly: Five minutes is more than enough.
Veronica: Who is she?
Carly: Veronica this is Amber Karev, Amber this is Veronica Jensen she was one of my patients.
Amber: Hi.
Veronica: Hi I'm guessing your Carly's latest headcase.
Amber: Unfortunately.
Veronica: (Chuckles) Yeah that's how I felt the first time I met her come on in make yourself a drink. There's water and soda.
Amber: (Grabs a water bottle and sits across from Veronica with Carly) Thanks, it's a nice office you have. I'm thinking I should've gone to law school instead.
Veronica: What do you do?
Amber: I'm a surgical resident.
Veronica: Ouch I'm guessing it's not as lavish as it was last year huh?
Amber: (Sips water) Yeah and we don't have a cubby in our name let alone an office. Plus, the stench of death and despair kind of kills the appeal. Do you want to trade jobs?
Veronica: (Grins) After the sales pitch you made not really. So, Carly, what brings you around? Another delusional patient to inspire to recovery.
Carly: Not exactly she doesn't know your diagnosis.
Veronica: (Tsks) You always have to make a big impact, don't you?
Carly: Oh, come on Ronnie that's what you love about me.
Amber: I'm sorry what were you treated for?
Veronica: Right, I'm a paranoid schizophrenic.
Amber: (Eyes wide for a moment before she chuckles darkly) Oh I can definitely see what Jo meant when she said I would hate you at some point in this session.
Veronica: What about you? What's your problem?
Amber: Oh, where do I start um…grew up with a schizophrenic mother, had a brother attack me after inheriting the illness and a boyfriend who recently was diagnosed bipolar like his dad. Oh, and then there's the sexual assault in med that brought me to the lovely Carly. Does that about answer your question?
Veronica: (Looks at her in quiet shock and to Carly) I can see why you brought her here.
Carly: (Grins) Yeah.
Veronica: (To Amber) So what prompted her to bring you here?
Amber: Torture? (Veronica looks at Amber patiently and Amber relents) Ten minutes ago I told her that I was afraid of becoming like my mother. I am afraid that if I admit I have a mental problem from the trauma in my life I will spend the best years of my life in a psych ward with a strait jacket drooling from being pumped full of meds. I saw that with my mom and brother and I am terrified of that happening to me too.
Veronica: (Nods) …I had my first episode at 18. I was asleep after a long day of school and soccer when I heard something. I heard something in the hallway and I woke up and saw this dark shadow figure down the hall. I immediately grabbed a bat and ran down chasing it screaming my freaking head off. It went into my parents' bedroom and closed the door and I tried to get in by smashing the door with the bat. The next thing I know I'm in a hospital bed strapped down and still screaming even with my parents crying in that room. I'm guessing you were in a room when your mom was going crazy?
Amber: (Looks down) Yeah a few times. So did you get treatment after? Did you get better?
Veronica: (Exhales) No I uh I didn't. I used to deny that I was sick, I was convinced that if I ignored it that it would go away. I would go off my meds, not work my program try and white knuckle it. I was valedictorian of my high school, I got into Stanford prelaw, lawyers are supposed to be logical and realistic the opposite of schizophrenia. I wanted to prove those doctors that diagnosed me wrong…but instead I was proven wrong when my dad hit me over the head with a frying pan when I strangled my sister with a nightgown. I knew in that moment that I had to get better not just for me but for the people around me.
Amber: So what are you saying? You're happy now?
Veronica: Look I'm not gonna lie to you it was hell for me after that night but I committed myself to recovery. And no, I don't always like going to group. And I hate that I have to check in with my psychiatrists all the time and I certainly don't like the side effects of the meds. But it works and it is so worth it. I passed the bar for God sakes and you became a surgeon with this hanging over your head. If I could do that with treatment and you did that without it, there's no telling what new heights you'll reach when you realize what took me three years to figure out.
Amber: (Looks at Veronica with awe) …And what is that?
Veronica: That there is hope for people like us.
(Amber leans back and looks at Veronica gratefully)
3:36 PM
SCENE: THE PIT
(Andrew watches in sadness as Mia is transported back to psych on a gurney. Walter stands by him)
Walter: Are you okay Dr. DeLuca?
Andrew: (Guilty) It's my fault.
Walter: Why'd you say that?
Andrew: I gave her false hope. I told her I believed she was stable. When she clearly isn't.
Walter: I'm not sure I agree. I mean, just made her case a little tougher, But I'm still gonna file the appeal.
Andrew: (Confused) Why would you do that? She just tried to kill herself?
Walter: Losing hope is not a sign of mental illness. It's a sign of being human. I mean, the poor girl has a violent, unstable mother. And her fate is in the hands of this psychiatrist, who doesn't believe a word she says. I mean, given those odds, I can absolutely understand why she'd fall into despair.
Andrew: (Sighs) Right well thank you for believing in her too.
Walter: (Sees he's still in agony) You know Dr. DeLuca partners of women who have been sexually assaulted are also in pain too. It might not measure to that level but it is there. So if you ever want to talk and need advice, my door is always open.
(Walter walks away with Andrew inhaling and exhaling before leaving too)
4:03 PM
SCENE: ANDREWS APARTMENT
(Carly and Amber go inside the apartment with Amber plopping on the couch and looking at the coffee table in thought with Carly sitting next to her)
Carly: Tell me the real reason you decided to go into surgery.
Amber: You picked up on that huh?
Carly: Of course I did, you think you're the first patient who lied to me when I asked a question? So how about you be honest with me?
Amber: …I wanted…I wanted to do something that used the part of my brain that was healthy. I know it's crazy but I was convinced that if I choose a job that kept me locked on reality the schizophrenia gene wouldn't catch up to me. I wanted to be stronger than that, I wanted to be better than that. I didn't want a daughter who would resent me and…and leave me because of that.
Carly: You thought that denying what was wrong would keep that from happening to you. You were afraid that the people who love you would leave you because of this like you wanted to leave Andrew after he showed symptoms.
Amber: (Sniffles and nods) I…(Voice breaks) I love him, I wanted to be with him but…but not like that not with him like that. I leave the people that need me that's what I do and…and I'm afraid with this that will happen to me. I'm afraid it's exactly what I deserve after abandoning people I love and who love me.
(Amber sobs in her hands with Carly grabbing a tissue box and handing it to Amber who takes a tissue and wipes her tears)
Carly: You left your mother because she was lucid when she threw out her meds. She was in her own head when your brother snapped and attacked you. She made the choice not to get better at that time, you didn't just resent the disease you resented that your mother didn't love you enough to get better. You wanted to leave the man you love because his manic state triggered every moment you were a backseat driver in this mental highway. And you left him because he made the same decision your mother made that night and you were afraid it would happen again. Why did you get back together again?
Amber: (Sniffles) Because he got better, he was working on his treatment. I felt like I could trust him again and I do.
Carly: He worked hard to earn your trust, that's something your mom didn't do. He is doing what your mom didn't do and that's what set him apart from her in your mind. He sees the love you have in your heart and the capacity for forgiveness you showed him. You trusted him to get better and now he's doing the same for you, it's why he gave you this space. It's not just for him that you have to get better for Amber, it's yourself.
Amber: I was so awful to them, I made them hurt like I was.
Carly: And they still love you despite that. If they see that you're serious about this and trying to rise above the trauma, they will love you and support you. If they don't…then you have to learn to love yourself to see that it wasn't your fault.
(Amber nods and exhales deeply)
5:00 PM
SCENE: WALTER CARR'S OFFICE
(Walter is going over notes when Andrew opens the door and groans as he sits on the loveseat. Walter closes the door and sits across from him)
Walter: Whatever it is I can help, just tell me.
Andrew: (Sighs and sits up) …It feels hopeless.
Walter: What feels hopeless?
Andrew: (Shakes his head) My relationship it feels…it feels like what Mia felt before she slashed her wrist. I fell in love with this girl who's brother beat me up and I moved past that because she's smart and funny and beautiful the sex is fantastic everything is great. It's so great that I want it to last for the rest of our lives so I made reservations at a fancy restaurant where I planned to propose to her with my grandma's ring. It's a freaking fairytale but it turned into a horror story when I inherited my estranged father's mania. At that point the light and bubbly stage of our relationship comes to a dead stop the night we compare each other to our deadbeat fathers. (Chuckles darkly) And then somehow it gets worse when I compare her to her mom who tortured her for years. I decide to be the better man and break up with her so I don't drive her insane with me. I go into treatment I take my meds and I think 'hey maybe this time it will work, maybe it'll get better this time.' well I botched that up because I was arrogant and in denial and I skipped my meds to help Webber. I lied to her and she caught on because she's not stupid and I wasn't exactly stable during the time and she left me for good. And then a pandemic happens because why not add more misery to our lives. I try to move on, I take my meds, I make up with her and watch in silent pain as she tries to find someone better than me. I think that maybe it'll get better without her and by the grace of God she confesses her undying love to me before getting in a car accident and almost dying. She lives, we talk and decide to try this again and…for the first time since this year started, I feel like things are finally gonna get better. But it all came crashing down when Charles Mance shows up and kills the Amber I fell in love with. He raped her, he violated her and she is suffering because of him and I hate him so much. I hate him so much it's hard to keep a cool head around Amber but I try to because I am a good man in a storm. I get that and I am good with that because Amber needs that she's earned that after everything. (Voice breaks) But the Amber that I fell in love with…is gone. It's like she is going down that hole I worked so hard to come out of and I am the one she chooses to drag down with her. (Tears glistening in his eyes) It's completely and utterly hopeless because if one of us was screwed up that would be fine she forgave me but if both of us are screwed up…what chance do we have of a life together? One where we can go back to the versions of us before this darkness took over our lives. How do we get that back Walter? Tell me.
Walter: (Thinks) …You don't.
Andrew: (Scoffs) Yeah.
Walter: We can't control what happens to us or our loved ones. That darkness you're talking about comes for all of us in some way.
Andrew: What are you saying?
Walter: People get hurt. There's only so much we can do to protect ourselves and our loved ones. The only thing we can do is we can be there for each other when we do fall down to pick each other up. I told you that losing hope isn't the end if anything it can be the beginning of something more. You can't go through what you and Amber have gone though without thinking and feeling different things on the other side of it. Things will be different but the question is will the love you share be different in a sense that your let this obstacle tear your down or make you stronger.
Andrew: (Groans) And how the hell do I know that?
Walter: When you see her what do you feel?
Andrew: …Like my heart is beating out of my chest like those cartoons I used to watch.
Walter: If the relationship is strong that feeling never really goes even with whatever crap life throws at you. If that feeling is still there when you see her then you have a chance at a life. And as for the mental illness if you both work hard to rise above what happened to you together then there's also a chance you'll grow stronger as a couple and as individuals.
(Andrew looks at Walter in thought before leaning back on the love seat exhausted)
5:30 PM
SCENE: ANDREWS APARTMENT
(Amber waits impatiently as Carly goes over her notes for a diagnosis)
Amber: You know a diagnosis doesn't take this long when I have a patient I'm just saying.
Carly: (Grins and closes her book) Well the human anatomy is more predictable than the human mind. If you want to spend a day in my shoes and see how hard it is be my guest.
Amber: (Grins slightly) So what's the diagnosis doc? Do I need a lobotomy?
Carly: Those are illegal now. It's clear that you suffer from a mild case of PTSD from sexual trauma.
Amber: (Nods warily) Yeah, I figured DeLuca was right about that.
Carly: But there's more, there's an underlying issue that I believe has manifested in you at the age of 2 and has slowly developed over the years. Amber the mood swings, the panic attacks and nightmares are an obvious symptom of the PTSD but the rest I believe comes from quiet borderline personality disorder.
Amber: What is that?
Carly: Well, it's not an official diagnosis but rather a subtype of borderline personality disorder. See patients with BPD outwardly display a pattern of unstable behavior and reckless actions. It's quite common on women who have had a disrupted family life and suffered from abandonment in the past as well as abuse. Your father abandoning you caused you to have a fear of being left again as well as feeling you are not worthy of being loved. And past actions such as pushing your best friend away and sudden angry outbursts were a sign of something bigger. But with quiet BPD those emotions are internalized through mood swings and self-isolation however events recently have externalized these unstable mood swings and caused you to lash out at everyone. This type of disorder is often misdiagnosed or not at all because people often mistake it as periodic mood swings.
Amber: I didn't even know that was a thing.
Carly: BPD is fairly treatable with the right combination of talk and behavioral therapy will modify those unhealthy thoughts and behaviors allowing yourself to not overthink every little thing and see it for what it truly is realistically. This can also help with your PTSD and help you confront the things that remind you of your trauma and deal with it instead of hiding from it. Now I can leave you recommendations for a talk therapist and PTSD specialist and you can start seeing each of them once a week.
Amber: (Processing) Um…look I can accept the PTSD but the quiet BPD I don't know. I've always thought of the anxiety and mood swings as just quirks that I've gotten used to. I'm not up for laying on a couch and telling some stranger everything that goes through my head on a normal day. And it's not like I'm seeing and hearing things that aren't there or having high high's one day and low low's the next. I mean what's the most damage I can do except some verbal lashing? I'm not slashing my wrists or attacking people I'm not hurting anyone. This is how I am; this is who I'm supposed to be.
Carly: Your illness isn't who you're supposed to be, it's keeping you from who you're supposed to be. Look if a patient came to you and told you they have diabetes, would you give them insulin or would you say, 'Hey that's just who you're supposed to be'?
Amber: (Tear down her cheek) I just…I feel so ashamed.
Carly: (Sympathetic) Well you're not alone. After my husband died, I turned to the bottle for comfort because I didn't have him for that. At first it was two drinks a week and then it turned to two drinks every few days and then it got to the point where I would wake up one morning with no memory of what happened the night before. I saw alcohol as the most important thing in my life, not my parents, not my friends not even my own life, it was the only thing that made me get up in the morning. It made me feel strong but it also made me feel weak and not just physically. But you know when the moment was when I started feeling just a little bit better? When I admitted that I needed some help. You made the first step Amber and now you need to make good on your word because you're wrong when you say this illness isn't hurting people. It's causing you to hurt your loved ones and that doesn't make you an awful person, it makes you another person in this room who needs to learn to love herself enough to let others love her too. So what do you say do you want to keep working the steps and learn to do that? It's absolutely your choice, yours, not mine, not your brothers and not your boyfriends, it's yours and yours alone. How about it?
Amber: (Sniffles and sighs) …Okay.
(Carly puts her hand on top of Amber's giving her comfort)
6:00 PM
SCENE: MAYA AND CARINA'S APARTMENT
(Andrew is sitting on the couch playing his guitar when Carina walks in and sits next to him tensely)
Carina: I'm sorry Andrea, I didn't mean to make it seem like you were manic I was just-
Andrew: (Tense) Don't worry about it.
Carina: Your mad.
Andrew: (Continues playing) I'm not mad.
Carina: You are.
Andrew: (Agitated) Fine I'm mad are you happy now leave me alone.
(Andrew continues playing until Carina stops the strumming by putting her fingers against the frets)
Andrew: What?
Carina: Have you talked to Amber? Has she apologized for what happened?
Andrew: (Cold) No and no.
Carina: …Andrea it's okay to be mad at her, your entitled to your own feelings like she was when you lashed out at her. Just because you did it first doesn't mean it makes it okay that she did it to you. It doesn't make you a horrible person and it doesn't make you papa it just makes you human.
Andrew: (Inhales and exhales) You know the only difference between our father and I is that I'm actually trying to make up for my failures. So yes, me being mad at her for belittling me is what papa would've done. His mania is the reason mama left and why we don't have a relationship with him and I'll be damned if I let that happen to me.
Carina: Papa chose not to get treatment even when mama told him to or she would leave with you. His mental illness didn't split them his refusal to fight did, you're doing what he's not and hopefully Amber is doing the same right now. You're stronger than papa and she's stronger than her mother you have to believe that you have to believe in her.
Andrew: (In agony) I keep thinking about the night before she saw Mance. We had dinner in bed we were laughing we were happy…until we weren't. (Sighs) I wish this man never came into her life at all and maybe we could still have that.
Carina: You can still have that you just have to be strong enough to be there for each other through this. Even if Mance didn't come back she would have to face this sooner or later and it would be the same. I don't believe for one second that you and Amber can't face this and come out stronger than ever.
Andrew: And why is that?
Carina: Because you two have this connection and this pull that goes against everything life throws at you. Look when you told me you were dating her, I didn't think it would last at all because of what happened with her brother.
Andrew: Yeah, she and I both.
Carina: But you did because you two are…innegabile (Translation: undeniable). There is nothing that can stop the love that's been there since the moment you met. Not her brother, not your mania and certainly not Charles Mance.
Andrew: We're both screwed up Carina, what chance do we have?
Carina: (Unfazed) You've always been screwed up and so has she.
Andrew: (Scoffs) Thanks.
Carina: But since you've been in each other's lives you've mended the pain that's been there before. You make her feel like she's the most important thing in the world when her family didn't do that for her. And she makes you laugh and I haven't seen you light up since mama died until she came in the picture. When you were manic, she saved you and had faith in you even when you didn't. She said in that room that what you have doesn't define you and it doesn't make you any less the person she fell in love with.
Andrew: (Softens) God she is way too good for me.
Carina: (Nods) She is.
Andrew: (Chuckles lightly) She gave me her strength that day and has been giving it to me ever since.
Carina: Well now it's your turn to give her yours because that love you share is enough to make ten people strong so it's enough for you two.
(Andrew inhales and exhales before pulling Carina in for a hug and kissing her head affectionately)
6:35 PM
SCENE: ANDREWS APARTMENT
(Carly gets her stuff together ready to leave with Amber sitting on the couch)
Carly: You did beautiful work today. There's more to do so I'm emailing you a list of talk therapists and PTSD specialists for you to schedule virtually and work with once a week for the next six months at least.
Amber: One of those recommendations isn't you right?
Carly: (Grins) No.
Amber: (Relieved) Thank God, I mean I appreciate what you did for me today but one day with you is all I need thanks. What about work? Can I still do surgery?
Carly: Well, I would recommend a first week with your therapists before going to the counselor to get signed off. But if all goes well and you work the program there's no reason why you can't go back to work.
Amber: Okay and what about my family and friends? Can I go to them and apologize for what I said?
Carly: You can absolutely do whatever you want to do. But how much have you slept in the last three days?
Amber: Um, about eight hours, I think.
Carly: I think it's better to apologize once you get a good nights rest and you know you won't lash out and push them away further.
Amber: Can I still do the work while I'm in Italy? My boyfriend's sister is getting deported and he's going with her so I want to follow. Is it possible for me to do it there since it's virtual anyway?
Carly: (Exhales) I think you've both been through a lot and if you want my professional opinion-
Amber: I do.
Carly: Amber, you have a pattern of running from your problems that needs to stop if you're serious about your recovery. You ran from home because you couldn't be around your family, you ran from New York because Mance lived there. And running to Italy might be a way for you to support your boyfriend but it's also a way for you to run from Mance again now that he's here. You need to take care of yourself first, work on yourself first and learn to confront your trauma instead of running from it.
Amber: But I love him.
Carly: I know you do but he can't be your anchor or your salvation, you have to do that yourself and once you do you won't feel the need to lean to others to fix your problems.
Amber: (Sighs) I have to learn to love myself enough for him and me?
Carly: Oh, I love it when they learn.
Amber: (Chuckles and stands up walking Carly to the door) Thank you Carly bye.
Carly: Bye.
(Carly leaves the apartment. Amber pulls out her phone and goes to her contacts pulling out Andrew's information and is tempted to call him. She thinks for a moment before exiting the app and turning off her phone. Amber crawls into bed and pulls blanket over her body lying on her side and falls into a deep sleep)
8:00 PM
SCENE: ANDREWS BEDROOM
(Amber is asleep when she hears footsteps behind her that stop)
Andrew: Hey.
(Amber turns around to find Andrew standing there with a gentle look on his face looking at her)
Andrew: I'm sorry I'm late.
Amber: (Touched) It's fine, better late than never, right?
Andrew: Right.
(Andrew takes his jacket off and lies by Amber looking at her with strong emotion as he pulls her toward him kissing the top of her head. He lies close to her stroking her head and she strokes his arm in content with both of them at peace in each other's presence)
I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOYED IT. I DECIDED TO DIAGNOSE AMBER WITH BPD ALONG WITH PTSD BECAUSE I WANTED AN EXPLANATION FOR HER ERRATIC BEHAVIOR THOUGHOUT THIS SERIES. ALSO I WANTED TO BRING REPRESENTATION FOR THIS ILLNESS THAT GETS OVERLOOKED ALL THE TIME. REVIEWS ARE WELCOME AND A NEW CHAPTER WILL BE POSTED NEXT WEEK.