AN: Just getting back from a vacation, sorry for the wonky posting schedule. Will get back on track, and thank you all for the comments, follows and faves.
I'm numb when I leave the visit. Tobias has asked me to put him on my approved list, and to talk to Eric about his list as well. I walked to my room on auto-pilot and found Eric sitting on the bed.
"What happened?" He asked me as soon as I had closed the door.
I told him everything, and he held me in his arms as I shivered. When my voice would break from emotion he'd whisper encouraging words in my ear. When I was finished, we sat in silence, and I could hear his heart pounding in his chest when I laid my head against it.
"I want to talk to him, I want to know who he thinks I am." He finally said and I nodded against him.
"We should talk to Myron first." I reply quietly and I feel him nod against me.
Myron listens carefully as I explain the entire visit to him and I catch him writing in his notebook several times. When his dark brown eyes meet mine, I'm surprised at what he says.
"I'll need to talk to him first."
"You don't trust him?" Eric asks and Myron sighs heavily.
"I didn't say that, however his absence was a contributing factor to one of you having a mental break, and to the other losing their memory. I care about both of you, and I'll be damned if he walks in here and tries to undo the progress the two of you have made since being here."
I squeeze Eric's hand and he squeezes it back, one of the many ways he and I communicate without words.
"I think that's fair." I reply and Eric finally hums in affirmation next to me.
"Eric, do you have any memory at all of your life before coming here?" He asks and Eric shakes his head.
"No. I don't even really know how I came to be known as Paul Benton."
"It was something that was found on you when you were picked up outside of Chicago," Myron passes him a piece of paper that inventories the items Eric was found with. One of which was a library card with the name Paul Benton, "If what Tobias Eaton says is true, it's possible you did escape from whoever did this to you before they were able to complete your wipe and reprogram. This may have been the identity you were going to become. I've done some research on the name and found basic information, which leads me to believe it was a created identity instead of a person."
"How would you know that?" He asks.
"Because memory wipes in your city are quite common. It's a means to an end when the government couldn't control someone. It's why Chicago hated the divergent so much." Myron says.
"We can't be controlled." I murmur.
"But I'm not divergent." Eric argues.
"No, however you were uncooperative." Myron reminds him.
"How dangerous is it for me to reverse the serum?" Eric asks suddenly and Myron leans back in his chair.
"I'm here to help you with whatever happens." Myron replies.
"What if I don't want the help after it happens?"
"You're my patient. Much like Tris, if you're uncooperative here we will be forced into alternative methods to get you to accept our care." He reminds him.
"Eric, I've told you before they can take your memories but not your personality. This could be you." I tell him and he shakes his head.
"What if it's not?"
"Then I'll help you find who you are." Myron says firmly.
He sighs, "They're not just going to leave me in here once I have my memory back."
Myron's large frame adjusts, and he leans forward in his chair, "You're right, it would be dangerous to let you stay here once your memories are restored. We'd likely need to send you back to Chicago, and if that's the case I'll be going back with you."
Eric is anxious, and I can tell he is holding something back on my behalf. I squeeze his hand and he glances at me, and the stress I can see lining his face almost breaks me, "I'll give you two some time alone." I say, even though the last thing I want is space from Eric.
"Tris," He murmurs and I move closer to him, pressing my lips chastely to his.
"It's okay. I'm okay. I'll be in our room waiting for you." I reply quietly. As I move to stand, I catch Myron's eyes and he smiles at me.
Eric never came back to our room.
My room.
It's been two days since we had that meeting with Myron, and also two days since I had seen him. I'd gotten so used to sleeping next to him that I was starting to suffer from my own nightmares, and outside of group therapy I'd not laid eyes on him once. He was pulling away, and it hurt me.
I'd finally given up on waiting for him in my room, and I went to the common room to read. I needed a distraction, and the everyday life here wasn't it. I'd been on the same page for over a half an hour, unable to process any of the words, when he dropped down on the beanbag next to me.
"This is the first place we ever talked." He said, startling me.
"It is." I agree.
He slips an arm around me and pulls me flush against his side for a moment, pressing his lips to my temple before letting me go, "I've missed you."
"Eric, did I do something wrong?"
"No. It sounds cliche, but it really has been me." He admits, "I've been working on something and needed your help."
"Help with what?" I asked, and he handed me his journal.
"I need to know if there's anything I've missed. There's a bookmark at where you should start."
I open the worn book, and flip through pages of his incredibly neat handwriting, until I get to the page that he has bookmarked for me, where I read his retelling of the first time he'd seen me in the F hallway. Then, a running commentary of when he would watch me, things he would notice, things I had no idea of.
She chews on her bottom lip when she's thinking.
She never eats when the cafeteria first opens. I should try to change her mind about that.
She doesn't like talking. Try writing her notes.
She's reading the Harry Potter series, I should start that, we'd have something to talk about, even if it's just through notes.
"Eric…" I whisper and he pulls my beanbag closer, and I let him wrap his arm around me, pulling me flush against his chest.
"If I'm going to let them reverse the serum, I need to know everything we've done these past two months. I want to remember this, and you." He murmurs before pressing his lips to my hair, "Myron recommended this, and when I left his office the other day this was all I could focus on."
I keep reading, and I feel tears burn at my eyes as I realize just how much he's paid attention to me. He's written down my favorite foods, how I reacted when we watched movies together, which side of the bed I like to sleep on, even how I would sometimes talk in my sleep. He remembered the first time we held hands, our first kiss when we were both reeling from an emotional day, and every sordid detail of what led me to end up in this place. As painful as it was to read these words, it was also therapeutic because I knew just how much I seemed to mean to Eric.
I could also see he'd left himself notes on how to progress our relationship – reminders for him to take his time because I was healing from trauma, and the final entry was a reminder to himself – that he was writing this to ensure he could remember me no matter what happened after his memory returned.
"I don't want to lose anything. I don't want you to have to relive everything you've shared with me, and I want to understand that the person I will likely remember once they do this isn't the person I know now. I also don't want you to forget who I am." He says softly.
"You're going to do this?" I ask, shifting so I can see him.
"I'm going to talk to your ex. Myron has vetted him and feels comfortable with us speaking with him. If the conversation goes the way I think it might, I wanted to be prepared for the reversal." He replies.
I move closer to him and press my lips softly to his, and an orderly loudly calls our names to break us apart. Eric smiles at me and moves to stand, holding his hand out to me. He stores my book where he has the series hidden and leads me to my room. Once the door is closed, I kiss him again and when we break apart, we're both rather breathless.
"This is why you've avoided me for two days?" I ask him, holding his journal up.
"I'm sorry." He replies and I kiss him again.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. This…" I trail off, showing him the journal again, "This is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me."
We end up lying in bed, talking more, kissing more, and just being.
The next day, Myron informed us that Tobias would be visiting the following day, and he'd once again talked at length to us to ensure we were truly ready for the conversation we knew was going to come. Eric was calm, and answered everything with a clear voice, and the only indication that he may be a little worried was how clingy he became with me. We no longer hid our relationship, and as a result we had more than one snide remark or scathing look sent our way, but he was determined to make the best of the time we had left inside this place together.
We'd been on our best behavior, dutifully participating in some of the optional classes offered, being more aware in our group session, and even joining a table with others during our meals. Neither of us wanted any infractions imposed on us, and when he followed me into my room I could tell his mind was heavy with thoughts as he crawled into bed with me.
"Will I be receptive to conversation with you once they reverse this serum?" He asked and I exhaled slowly.
"I don't know. You and I never talked too much outside of training; however I do know of at least two things you did in an effort to protect me."
His eyes trail up to mine, "I only know of the one, dealing with that person who hurt you." He replies carefully.
"I'm also certain you knew that I am divergent."
"How?" He asks.
I go on to explain how he reacted when he oversaw my fear simulations, especially when he started appearing in them, and how in my sims he would always help me. He's threaded our free hands together as I talk, and when I finish, he's quiet for several beats.
"I never told you I knew?"
I hum in the negative, "No, but it was there, unspoken. You've always been one to shield your feelings, your outward demeanor made it seem like you cared about nothing but success, but something made you almost protective of me. I was just a former Stiff, a sheltered Abnegation, someone you never expected to make it in Dauntless."
"Did Four help you?" He asks me.
"He kept my divergence hidden but knowing what I do now about his wish to leave Dauntless to become factionless, I have a feeling he didn't want me to pass initiation."
"Why?"
"If you failed initiation in Dauntless, you automatically became factionless." I reply and Eric removes his hand from mine and pulls me closer to his body. He trails his nose up my cheek, pressing kisses in it's wake until his lips gently meet mine. His tongue strokes mine for several seconds until we break apart to breathe.
"Will you still want me if I'm the same way I was before?"
"Yes." I whisper.
When our lips crash together, it's a frenzy, and I find myself moving to straddle him as he pulls my body against his. His hands creep under my scrub top, trailing heated paths against my skin, "So soft." He murmurs when we briefly break apart. I lean back and pull my scrub top off, leaving me in the plain cotton bra they issue to us, and even though I know it's awful Eric still looks at me in awe, "Beautiful."
He sits up with me on his lap, and his rough hands slowly move across my sides and torso. The beep from a badge scanner at my door sends me scrambling under the covers, with Eric grabbing my shirt and joining me, and when my door opens, we both pretend to be asleep while the orderlies perform their nightly counts. Once my door closes, we both let out a slow breath and break into laughter at almost getting caught.