Disclaimer: I own a very nice new sweater that I bought last Saturday. If I owned Castle I could probably buy far more than just a new sweater. But I don't so I'll just be happy with what I have.
Here I am, back on a Tuesday. Somehow my schedule has shifted a little, I hope you don't mind. Again this one took a lot of rereading and updating before I felt comfortable uploading it. Actually, I'm still not quite satisfied with how it turned out but I guess this is a problem I have with every piece of writing I ever did.
I want to thank you for reviewing the last chapter! My story stats still aren't working so the reviews are all the feedback I can get.
You weren't happy with Kate's behavior in the last chapter and what can I say... Me neither! That was one of the reasons it took so much work. But for me, that's her character. Don't get me wrong, I love her. But she can be complicated, to keep it polite ;) I think Castle's thoughts in this chapter express how I see her quite well.
I hope you enjoy!
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On the drive home, Castle's mind was caught in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. He didn't know what to think or what to feel first. And while his hands were clenched around the steering wheel and somehow got him home, his mind was with Kate. It hurt like hell to leave her like that and a couple of times he nearly turned around. But he feared that could make it even worse. Still, he felt helpless and guilty for leaving her so upset. But on the other hand, she didn't seem to care much about how he was feeling, didn't she? The same frustration she had caused him countless times over the last four years started rising in his chest. As much as he loved her, and he loved her with everything he had, he had to admit sometimes she wasn't easy to deal with.
As soon as problems got personal she had this tendency to run and hide. And even worse, she could get really hurtful when hiding wasn't possible. He remembered that talk in her living room before she went after Lockwood two and a half weeks ago all too vividly. With a bitter feeling, he thought that he'd been sure they'd left troubles like this behind. That they would work through their problems together from now on.
Well, it seemed like he'd been wrong. Though he had to admit this situation was completely different. And he knew she didn't hurt him intentionally but out of fear and overwhelming. But that didn't change the frustration and anger he felt. He was in this too. And if she would just take down her goddamn emotional barricades for once he could show her the world wasn't ending like she thought it was.
He hadn't lied to her when he said everything would be fine. And he hadn't said that just to console her. Because that was something he knew for sure after eighteen years of being a father. There was always a way. And somehow it all worked out. And even though he was angry she didn't even give him a chance to explain it to her, he could understand the way she was feeling. He remembered feeling the same way when Meredith told him she was pregnant. And for Kate, it must be even worse, he knew that too.
Her job, a relationship that wasn't even four weeks old, and not to mention the fact that it was her body. He had absolutely no trouble imagining the panic she must be feeling. Because he remembered how panicked he had been. So in a way, he didn't blame her for what just had happened. And as he thought about it he realized his reaction maybe had been a little bit thoughtless. But at that moment he had been overcome with feelings and he hadn't been able to hold them back.
As he reached the loft and walked into his living room he let himself fall into one of the chairs. He was alone and he thanked God for that. Sitting there and just staring into the air he could feel his anger starting to fade. Of course, it wasn't right that she had pushed him away like that. And he was disappointed by the way she had acted. But still, he could understand her. He just wished he hadn't let her do it. He should have forced her to face him and handle this situation together.
But there was no going back and now she was there and he was here. And even though he didn't feel half as upset as she did he had to admit these news sparked a lot of emotions and confusion in him too. He couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that after one night without protection, they were at this point, not even three weeks later. Not even three weeks into this relationship for which he had longed for such a long time and now they should be having a baby? That seemed unbelievable. But he had seen the little picture. And though there wasn't much to see at this point that little dot left no room for doubt.
And when he had first looked at that picture he hadn't felt anything negative at all. Of course, her reaction had changed that. But at that moment? There had been nothing but amazement. Maybe it was because he already had a child and he knew the feeling of loving a child. But with Alexis, it had been different. It hadn't been until he had held her in his arms and looked at that beautiful little face that he had started to feel the bond they still had today. But with this child it was different.
He was well aware there wasn't anything there yet that could be called a child. There was no beating heart, just this little black dot. And still, it was there. And this little black dot would turn into a little human. And he already knew deep in his heart that he would love this little human with all his being. So maybe it was because he already knew that feeling. But it dawned on him that it was also because of Kate. He had never loved Meredith. He had tried to and told himself countless times that he did. But looking back he knew he had been lying to himself. But with Kate…
No matter what she did or how wrong her behavior towards him might have been, he loved her. He had loved her for four years now and he was convinced he would do so for the rest of his life. Even when she didn't make it easy for him sometimes. And the thought of having a child with her… A child with her eyes but maybe his nose or ears… That thought was enough to make him feel like his heart was exploding with love. How could he not love a child that was theirs? A child that was conceived in nothing but love? That wasn't possible. No matter how unplanned, uncomfortable, and scary this situation was.
But obviously, she didn't seem to feel that way. And the pile of leaflets about adoption and abortion crossed his mind. He felt his throat go dry. He wasn't even able to imagine that and he didn't want to try. She was scared and overwhelmed, he told himself. Surely she just needed some time to adjust to the news, just like he had nineteen years ago. But that nibbling doubt remained. So what if not? What if that really was what she wanted? If she decided she didn't want this baby? It would break his heart, he knew that. But if she decided on one of those things what was his choice? Break up with her and delete her from his life? That was impossible. But how could they go on as a couple when every time he would look at her he would also see this child he had already loved but she didn't want?
He felt like his head was starting to smoke and he pushed these hurtful thoughts aside. He wouldn't consider them until it was necessary. So he would have to wait until he spoke to her again. Maybe he should call her? He sighed and ran his hands over his face. No, he would give her the space she had asked for. For now, he would wait for her. And even though he knew he wouldn't be able to get a second of sleep he stood up and started getting ready for bed. Even if that meant staring at the ceiling for the whole night, waiting for his phone to ring.
Kate woke up and for a few seconds, she was confused about why she was feeling like she had run headfirst into a wall. Then, without a warning, it all came back to her. And again it felt like a punch that drained all air from her lungs. Inhaling deeply she pinched her nose and looked at her watch. 11:30 pm. She had slept for maybe three hours but felt like she needed at least thirty. But now she was awake and there was no chance of going back to sleep. What happened between Castle and her a few hours ago started playing in her mind and instantly a wave of regret started to wash over her.
The way she had sent him away… Didn't give him any chance to speak. She swallowed even though her mouth was dry. Now that her mind was a little clearer she realized what a terrible mistake she had made. In a try to defend her actions towards herself, she thought that it had simply been too overwhelming. But the feeling of guilt that started to spread over her let her know that wasn't an excuse for what she did. He had tried to be there for her but instead of letting him help her in one of the most frightening situations of her life, she locked him out. And now he was probably sitting at home, worried sick and waiting for her to call him. But what should she say to him?
Her mind wandered back to everything she had thought about this afternoon. How she had also pushed away the fact that she would have to involve him in her decision on what to do now. With a little distance, she felt the shame for even considering not letting him be a part of that decision creep into her mind. Of course, she needed to involve him. And remembering his face when he looked at the picture of the little black dot it wasn't hard to guess what he wanted to do.
And again the three options the doctor had given her started to pop up in her mind. Now that the haze of the first shock had lifted and she felt like her mind was steady enough to deal with it she let the realization sink in. With adoption and abortion being impossible choices for her there was only one option left. And as that thought started to take form she also realized she had already known it. She had known it at the moment she couldn't bring herself to drink the whisky. But now was the first time she was able to admit it.
She was going to have this child. They were going to have this child.
She could wish for a way out of this situation all the way she wanted to. There was none. There was no pretending it wasn't real and there was no backing out, no matter how scared she was. A phrase her father liked to say crossed her mind "When there's no way out the best way to go is through".
So that was it. It scared her to death but at the same time, she felt relieved. She had made her decision even though that had felt like an impossible task only a few hours ago. She was going to have this child and face all the consequences it brought. She was going to be a mother.
She didn't know where that sudden clarity came from. But now the smile on Castle's face that had scared her so much just a couple of hours ago felt like a relief. She was going to be a mother and she wouldn't be alone.
Supposed he could somehow forgive her for how she had treated him. With protesting muscles and still feeling a little dizzy she got out of bed. She had to get to Castle as fast as possible. As quickly as she could, she slipped into her shoes and a hoodie and walked out of the bedroom over to the table in the living room. She picked up the black and white picture and carefully put it into the pocket of her shorts. Then she shuffled the leaflets together and walked over to the kitchen, dumping the little pile of paper in the trash. And without further hesitation, she grabbed her keys and headed out of her apartment.
Castle was still lying awake in his bed. There was no chance to sleep and as time went by his thoughts got pulled deeper and deeper into a dark swirl. He wanted this baby. He wanted it so badly. And he didn't want it to be like it had been with Alexis. Not that he hadn't loved every minute of being her father. But this was different. He didn't only want to be the father of this child, he also wanted Kate to be its mother. He wanted them to be a family, wanted her by his side. And though he tried to, he couldn't stop his mind from picturing everything that might never happen. Seeing the woman he loved so much holding a little bundle, beaming with happiness he was sure she would be feeling. And seeing this little bundle grow up. Holding its little hand when it would learn how to walk. Tucking it into bed, celebrating Christmas and birthdays.
And with each of these images, the fear of what Kate would want to do grew. And just as he thought he couldn't take go on living with the feeling of missing all of this if she decided not to have this baby he heard a knock on his door. With wide-opened eyes, he jumped out of bed and hurried towards the door, every fiber of his being praying it was her and not his mother who had forgotten her keys. He pulled open the door and could feel his heart skipping a beat when he looked at her.
"Kate!" He knew there was a chance he could scare her away again but he couldn't stop himself. He reached out for her and pulled her against his chest, holding her so tight like he would never let go of her again. And to his surprise and relief, she let him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and let herself sink into him, allowing herself to feel the comfort of his hug. And as he held her he knew he would need to find a way to somehow deal with anything she decided to do. There was no way he would go on without her by his side.
After more than a minute of holding her tightly, he slowly pushed her back just far enough so he could look at her. She didn't avoid his gaze and he was relieved to see there was no longer blind fear written in her eyes. "Kate, I want you to know that I will support you, no matter what you want to do." It was more than hard for him to say this but he wanted her to know it was true. "And if you want to go with one of the options on those leaflets, I promise you…" She interrupted him by placing a finger over his lips. Looking at her a Deja Vu of the night two and a half weeks ago that started all this mess washed over him. The expression on her face was just the same.
"Castle, I'm sorry." She whispered and let her hand sink as he wasn't trying to say anything more. She also realized she had said these words two and half weeks ago, also standing right here. Strange how after such a short time another so meaningful situation went down on his doorstep. And hearing him reassure her he would stay with her no matter what for some reason only fastened her decision. She wanted to say something to ease the worry on his face but couldn't find the words. So she reached into her pocket and pulled out the picture of the little black dot and placed it into his hand. He tore his eyes away from her face and looked at the picture. She could see his eyes light up as he looked back up to her again and the weight on her heart seemed to lift a little.
"You mean…?" He whispered quietly and in pure disbelief. Still at a loss for words, she picked up his hand that wasn't holding the picture and led it to her stomach. Pressing her hand down on his and into the place where the cause of all this chaos was growing she stared into his eyes and saw tears rising up in them. "Are you sure?" His voice was shaky and she could hear he struggled not to let it crack. Seeing him like this made her heart ache. The last few hours must have been torture for him and it was all her fault. She needed to end it right now.
"I am." She firmly said.
At that, he lost it. He pulled her into a tight hug and buried his face into her neck. She could feel his body shaking as he cried into her hair and she couldn't stop her own tears from running down her face. Standing like this for a while they let all the fear of the past hours flow out and Kate knew she had made the right decision. When his breathing became calmer again he whispered into her ear. "Thank you so much." She slightly pulled away and a warry smile fought its way to her lips. "There is nothing to thank me for." He wiped away the strain a tear had left on her cheek and a crackled laugh that sounded full of relief escaped his throat. "Oh yes, there is. You will see."
Pushing her hair back behind her ears to get a better look at her face, his features became more serious again. "And this is really what you want? I don't want you to regret anything." Slowly she shook her head. She didn't want to lie to him. "No, this isn't what I want. I want everything to stay as it was this morning." She took in a shaky breath. "But that's not possible. And the only other way I can live with is this one." As she said that she saw the lightness fading from his face. She reached for his cheek and tried to smile. "But if you give me some time I'll maybe be able to feel like you do." And she meant that. She wanted to feel like he did, happy and optimistic. She just wasn't there yet. He took her hand and pressed his lips to it. "I know you will. And I will give you all the time in the world." He stopped and couldn't keep his overflowing joy from putting a slight grin on his face. "Or at least nine months."
Though it was weak and insecure she let out a little laugh. That was all he could ask for at this moment. She was here, her panic had faded and they were able to leave behind what had happened earlier that day. And most importantly he knew that little life that would be their child was safe. Everything else they would face at some other point.
"Would you like to go to bed? You must feel exhausted." Considering how much he longed for some rest he could only guess how drained she probably felt. A grateful look appeared on her face and she nodded. "Yeah." Reaching the bed she just kicked off her shoes and then let herself sink into the soft embrace of his bed. Castle carefully placed the picture he was still holding in his hand on his bedside table, once more smiling as he looked at it.
Then he got under the covers and as he pulled them over their bodies he cuddled up to her and took her in his arms. He could feel her resting her body against his and within a couple of minutes she was sleeping. He waited until her breathing told him she was fast asleep before he slowly slid his hand under the blanket. Careful not to wake her he placed it on her flat stomach. He knew it was a little crazy to feel this way in a situation as messy as theirs. But he was the happiest man on earth. And he couldn't wait to see her carrying their child. And with that, he allowed the images that he had feared he might never get to experience come back to his mind. But this time they filled him with pure happiness and slowly drifted him to sleep.