Out of Love

"... I can't float in an ocean, thats already been drained. I won't cry at your feet now. I know my tears will fall in vain. There's not a thing I could say, not a song I could sing, For your mind to change. Nothing can fill up the space. Wont ask you to stay"- Alessia Cara

"That's six "fines" since approximately 4:30 this afternoon!", I say making a point to punctuate the word fine with air quotes as we enter our apartment, "One at the movie theater, one while we were filling up at the gas station, two in the parking lot here, one in the elevator, and the once more in the hallway. How's about I get another word?!" my fingers accentuating each count as I wave them in front of her face. She flinches. I regret it immediately, and stuff my hands deep in my pockets.

"Asshole" she mutters under her breath, my above average hearing not missing offense, well that word and a few others that question my heritage and something that sounds a bit painful when it comes to a precious extremity of mine.

I think I liked fine better.

Carly tosses her coat on the back of the dining room chair and marches through the living room toward our bedroom. I meet her, crossing the expanse between us in five long strides grateful I was actually capable of such action without landing me flat on my face. I reach for her hand but she jerks it away and whirls around to face me. Onyx orbs meet mine briefly, before she looks away.

"Don't…..just don't" she says softly, her lip trembling.

I let go of her hand reluctantly, and wince when the bedroom door slams shut.

I can hear her crying through the door and it is killing me. I put my back against it and try the knob. Its locked. Great. "Carls come on. Honey, Come out or let me in but we agreed that we weren't going -"

My attempts at diplomacy are interrupted by a knock at our front door.

Whomever is on the other side can just go to hell for all I care. I have more important things to worry about right now. "Carls seriously. I'm not going anywhere. I told you. Push all you want, I'm in it to win it."

They knock again, this time more insistently.

I look through the peep hole. Damn. Spencer.

"Its not a good time right now Spence."

"I'll be the judge of that Fredwardo!" he says pushing my face through the crack I just made and barreling through the door. He's a hell of a lot stronger than he looks. I steel myself for the fury of a slap that never comes, and instead he wraps me into a tight hug and kisses me on the cheek. " Idiot stick." he slugs my shoulder affectionately.

I shrug.

"You guys are a pair of nuts." he clucks his tongue, before setting his keys and scarf on the end table. "take it Carly is in there?" he says jutting out his chin in the direction of the bedroom.

I nod.

"Well, shut the door man. You born in a barn?" he says slipping himself out of his coat and handing it to me, "Wait.…..were you?", he looks at me questioningly.

"Sure" I sigh and shake my head yes, I really don't have the time or patience right now.

"You going to offer me a beer?" he mutters while he flips through a copy of Cosmo he takes from the pile of magazines on the coffee table, plopping himself down into the sofa. "Best grab yourself one too there mister, 'cause I know my Carly and we are in it for a looong one." he says sniffing an advert for perfume and wrinkling his nose before tasting it with his tongue. He makes a face like a dog who has peanut butter on his nose, his tongue flicking in and out. "Shes a bit emotional lately."

"You don't say." I reply sarcastically.

He rests his elbow on his knee, chin in the palm of his hand, watching me take the bottle cap off, "You were a nub." he says. I hand him the beer and he examines the label before taking a swig.

"Your point?" I reply coldly. I toss his bottle cap into the trash and miss entirely, watching as it bounces twice before coming to rest on the floor. I know its going to drive Carly crazy, so its just going to sit there until I'm damn good and ready to pick it up.

I go ahead and toss it in the trash.

Spencer joins me in the kitchen, reaching under the island taking out a bag of pretzels and sitting it on the counter between us. "You are though." he says taking a pretzel from the bag and popping it in his mouth, chewing slowly, swallowing and then taking another swig of his beer .

"Yeah." I say swallowing hard."I know." my throat feels like I just downed a cup of sand. I grab a pretzel and offer him another one, he shakes his head no, so I toss the bag on the counter. I'm not really all that hungry right now anyway.

"Wanna talk about it?.", Spencer says picking up the bag I just dropped. " Wait! You got any cheese? " What is it with Shay's and cheese? I gesture toward the cabinet behind him. He opens it and his mouth drops open for a second, he turns his head mouthing "Five jars?"

"Baby." Spencer shakes his head smiling."I like my sleep and don't feel like climbing out of bed to run to the store at 3 AM because someone NEEDS Cheese Wiz and green olives."

"Green olives?"

I point. "Next cabinet over."

Spencer opens the cabinet doors revealing five jars of those as well, "Oh my. Like together?" He shudders and does that dog eating peanut butter thing with his tongue again.

"In a bowl. Like cereal. I don't make the rules man."

Spencer looks at the pretzel in his hand and chucks it in the trash, brushing the salt off his palms, "Ok Spill. What happened between the two of you today?"

"I don't know man." I say. Except I do.

We had both had some pretty hellish schedules this past week so I thought I would take Carly out for a nice day date. Went to lunch at her favorite Italian restaurant, bought her chocolate gelatto and took her to the movies to watch a re-release of Say Anything. She has a crush on John Cusack for some weird reason. I've nothing to say since I have a thing for Cynthia Nixon. We are both weird.

When it got to the part where Lloyd and Diane are in the back of the car and its their first time together, Carly turned to me whispered; "We never really talked about it," In the darkened theater I couldn't see her blush but I could hear it. "But like who was your first...you know."

It went downhill fast from there.

"Carly. Can we do this later?"

"Prude. Ill go first," She took a piece of popcorn from the bucket and popped it in her mouth, "It was Beau."

My mouth opened but nothing came out.

"What?" She whispered.

"Nothing... I just didn't expect that."

"What did you expect?"

"Well you did live in Italy for a while."

"Wow." she took a sip of her lemonade, "Freddie"

"What? Seriously Carls I'm trying to watch the movie." I keep my eyes focused on the screen.

She keeps hers trained on me. "You didn't answer me."

Fuck. I looked at the floor. "Sam."

"Oh."

Then she got up and ran out of the theater, which lead to the most agonizingly silent car ride ever. This is the worst fight we have had since we became a couple. If we even still are.

I swallow the lump in my throat. I feel like I am on divorce number three without the privilege of a marriage. So much for third times a charm. Way to fail there Benson.

The night I lost virginity to Sam she made me swear that we would tell no one or she would deny it . "I'll make sure Carly hates you.", she would say when I brought it up. I realize now it wasn't so much that Sam was embarrassed by me or what happened between us; but more that I had an obsessive need to overshare, especially when it came to Carly. So Sam did what Sam does best, use threats and intimidation to get her way. At the time I was really hurt, she made me feel worthless and disgusting. Like I wasn't good enough to love. In actuality, Sam just wanted some privacy for once, because its not always dark when you are standing in Carly's shadow. Took me several years of therapy to unpack all that shit.

Sam and I met up five years ago in an airport bar in LA. Sam was on her own personal journey of healing as well, so apologies were made, forgiveness was given.

By that time I was one marriage down already. Sam coaching me through it because Carly was busy hosting QVC Italy. One night over dinner we agreed that it was our own private moment and we would only tell Carly if it was absolutely necessary.

When we were kids she had been so upset we never told her we kissed, I couldn't imagine what would have happened if she found out about that I lost my virginity to her best friend and didn't say anything for all these years.

"I'm shit at this." I say gesturing to the still closed bedroom door, " I never needed anyone like this before. This," I say placing my hand over my heart, " this time is different. This isn't like it was with Andrea or Gwen. I can't fuck all this up and fail again. I'm two marriages down man. I'm a punchline to the universes sick joke. I didn't think-"

Spencer cuts me off, "You should have told her about Sam... and the thing." he puts a hand over his mouth. "Oh, Shit, Forget it. Forget I said anything." He sets his beer on the counter.

I blink twice. For once in my entire 29 years I don't have anything to say. Hot tears spill down my cheeks and I have to lean against the counter to keep from falling to the ground. "I- I- didn't know you knew." I whispered.

"You were different after. Didn't take a genius to figure out why.", he says sighing placing his hand on my shoulder, "I had a first time too. Kinda leaves you a little fucked up for a bit doesn't it."

"So you never told her?"

"Wasn't my business for me to tell man. Although I'm glad you guys didn't. She wasn't ready for all of that. It would have broken her completely. She's was already fucked up enough from mom. She built walls so high around herself that no one could climb. Sam helped by creating the cracks, but you were the one that broke them down piece by piece. She loved you back then too. She just never allowed herself to remove the last brick. "

He sighs and sits on the stool beside me, " I told her she needed to tell you how she felt, that I thought you guys would be great together.", Spencer begins folding a paper towel into the shape of a duck, he fidgets when he's gets emotionally deep. A habit he developed to combat the loneliness he felt as a child who was constantly ignored and told to suck it up when it came expressing his feelings. He continued,"But she refused. She said all that was important was that you were happy."

I give him a pained look. Sam was a mistake. We were far too young and I was tired of the humiliation that Carly's constant rejection brought. I mistook someone showing me attention for the first time as love. I had no business dragging my shitty self esteem into any relationship, especially one that toxic. For Christ sake she beat me with a tennis racket once.

"You were man." Spencer says handing me the paper duck. I shake my head.

Maybe at the time I thought I was.

"She couldn't bring herself to take that away from you no matter how much it was killing her inside. So she locked it away and did her best to make sure you both were happy and moved on."

"I called her selfish and hateful." I say quietly.

"She said as much."

My brow hits my forehead..

"Text"

Neither of us hear the bedroom door open.

The room feels like its closing in around me, so I take a seat on the sofa. "I don't think she is selfish and hateful. She is my best friend, Spence. I can't wait to have this baby and buy a house and all that stupid shit you do when you have found the one. Like I want to be a real family, she deserves that. " I run a hand through my hair, "We both do. It kills me that shes hurting right now I can't screw this up because the thought of living a life without her in it sounds like a fucking death sentence to me."

Spencer's eyes spill over with tears as he sits next to me on the couch, and wraps his arm around my shoulder holding me tight to him. I wonder if this is what it feels like to have a brother, because this feels nice. "You both have always done things bass ackwards. Dude."

"I can't lose her." I say barely lifting my eyes from the floor in front of me.

Suddenly she is there kneeling front of me, her hands on my cheeks, her forehead touching mine. "I told you no matter what, you never will and I meant it."

I can't stop shaking. She runs her hands over my shoulders, down my arms and then takes both my hands in hers. "I just got off the phone with Sam. Its going to take me some time to process this. I'm hurt. We both have a lot to unpack still. I know shouldn't be jealous of what happened between the two of you, that is on me. I had no claim on you then. I do now though Freddie and I will never give up on us without a fight. It's always going to be Freddie and Carly."

I nod, my nose brushing hers. "It's Carly and Freddie."

"Im kind of a mess aren't I." She whispers "I cried about a laundry soap commercial this afternoon."

I'm crying and laughing at the same time. "You are. But so am I.

"Sooo I guess I'll just let myself out then...Thanks for coming over Spencer...Thanks Spence for being an awesome brother...Let's do brunch on Tuesday Spence, my treat. Oh no I couldn't impose... " Spencer says grabbing his coat and keys off the table, "you know its customary when someone does you a favor.." I wave him away.