Chapter Fifty: Time Alone

Serena and Pangoro made their way back to the waiting area in silence. Serena knew Pangoro was feeling terrible, yet even so she couldn't bear to look at him at that moment. The others, who'd seen the match on the screens, were already waiting for them.

("Serena–") Delphox began, but Serena cut her off.

"After we've received our medal, you guys all go with Ash, okay? I need a bit of time." She kept her voice neutral as much as she could, and yet it sounded as fragile as thin glass.

("Are you–")

"Please, Sylveon, not right now."

Serena wasn't looking at her Pokémon, instead focusing on the ground and keeping her breathing steady. She tried not to think about anything, because she knew she'd break down if she did. It wasn't the time yet. Just a bit longer.

She could sense that her Pokémon were having a wordless conversation with each other, but she didn't look up, didn't want to see it, and remained closed off in her own refusal to let any thoughts in.

After the final match had concluded, Serena, Pangoro, Mismagius, and Delphox were called back for the medal ceremony, while Sylveon remained behind in the waiting area. If it had been up to Serena, she'd have sent Sylveon to collect the medal in her stead, but it didn't work that way.

She tried to smile when she received the medal, and made an effort to wave at the crowd, but she knew her expression would look fake even from the stands. Erin was gloating about her victory, but Serena couldn't listen to her exact words. Her whole head seemed to be filled with white noise.

Sadly for her, the white noise didn't drown out everyone's words. As she walked back to the waiting room for the last time that day, she could hear some of the other Artisans, who'd stayed behind to watch, whisper.

"She can't even take a loss."

"She's pretty stuck up, I guess."

"I wonder what kind of excuses she'll have."

"She's probably sad the Gym Leader didn't favor her this time like in Saffron."

Serena ignored the mutterings as best she could, gathered up her things, and walked back to the entrance hall with her Pokémon, where Ash was already waiting.

"Serena–"

"Could you take my Pokémon to the Pokémon Center, please?" Serena interrupted. Her heart stung because she kept interrupting the ones trying to help her, but she couldn't allow herself to think about it. Just not now.

"Sure, but–"

"Thanks. I'll be back later. Just have dinner without me."

Without waiting for another response, Serena left the stadium. She wasn't entirely sure where she was going, so she just let her legs carry her wherever they wanted to go. All she knew was that she wanted to be away from people. She could feel the eyes of some passers-by on her, either because they recognized her from the Expositions or just because she probably looked terrible with her fake-neutral expression. Whatever their reasons, Serena ignored them all and kept walking until she'd left the city behind her and she was back at the border of the park they'd crossed to get to town in the first place.

She followed the road north for a few minutes before chancing a look around, and when she spotted no one in her direct vicinity she left the path to walk between the trees for a bit. Not much later, she reached a small grassy clearing, lit by the light of the late afternoon sun.

She sat down on the grass and leaned back against the biggest tree bordering the clearing. She took a shaky breath and felt her eyes burn…and she finally stopped resisting, finally allowed herself to think, to feel.

"W-what is wrong with me…?" she choked out.

She wasn't sure why she was trying to speak out loud, but she knew she wanted to, knew that it would feel that much more real if she voiced her thoughts out loud.

"First Misdreavus…both before she evolved and immediately after…and now Pangoro… Am I just that bad of a Trainer…?"

She felt a fierce stab in her chest and the tears flowed faster. She drew up her knees and rested her head on them, hands in her hair. She thought about Pangoro's expression, the hate in his eyes.

"He could have killed me…"

Now it was Mismagius's greedy expression, her voice when she said she could make anyone feel what she wanted them to feel…and Misdreavus's happiness before, that had set off that whole drama…

"And she wants to torture…"

Torture? Isn't that a bit exaggerated?

"She enjoys tormenting others."

It's her nature.

"And Pangoro's is to be violent! But he's supposed to be kindhearted to his companions. But I'm his companion…aren't I?"

Her thoughts were silent, and again Serena felt that stab in her chest.

"I can't do anything right…"

("That is nonsense.")

Serena looked up and saw Absol standing in front of her, and only now realized she'd never handed his Poké Ball over to Ash.

"Absol, I just want to be alone," she said tiredly.

("Wanting to be alone is a sentiment I understand better than many others,") Absol said, keeping his piercing eyes on her. ("But what you want now is not solitude.")

"How would you know?!" Serena said angrily. "How could you possibly know how I feel right now?!"

("I have lived far longer than you have,") Absol replied, not at all perturbed by Serena's outburst. ("And I have wondered, many times, if my existence had any purpose at all. I was chased from human civilization countless times, blamed for the disaster about which I attempted to warn them. Pokémon were the same. Or do you believe that every Pokémon knows all others?")

Serena quietly shook her head.

("I am feared and hated by most who meet me. To this day, that mistrust remains. Surely, then, these failures mean I cannot do anything right.")

"My own Pokémon could have killed me," Serena said flatly. "And Mismagius probably felt my fear. Must've been delicious to her."

("You are selling them short and you know it,") Absol said bluntly. ("I have not conversed with them much, this is true. Yet I sensed their devotion to you, and yours to them. Do not begrudge them their own foibles.")

"Mismagius is proud of what she is. She told me that before. She hardly considers her hunger for fear a 'foible'," Serena said.

Absol inclined his head as if to concede the point. ("Yet I believe you and she reached something of an understanding, did you not? She is trying to be considerate of you, like you are trying to be of her,") he said. ("Trainer and Pokémon grow by overcoming hurdles like these. This is something I believe with all my heart.")

"You didn't see the way Pangoro looked at me," Serena said, again feeling an edge of the terror she'd felt earlier. She shuddered. "Like he hated me…"

("He does not hate you. But evolution does not just change a Pokémon's body. It changes their mind, too. Pangoro will need to learn to get a handle on his stronger emotions, especially his anger. He will require your help to do that.")

"What do you expect me to do?!" Serena asked, now shouting again. "I tried to stop him now and I was afraid he'd crush me without a second thought! Even when I looked at him afterward, I…"

She clenched her fists. "I was afraid of him. Like I was afraid of Mismagius. What kind of Trainer is afraid of her own Pokémon?!"

("One who recognizes their strength.")

"Ash isn't afraid of his Pokémon. Even when they go out of control, he jumps in. He puts himself at risk to calm them down. He would jump off a building to save a berserk Pokémon he hardly knows and act like it's the most normal thing in the world. And yet, when my own Pokémon, who's been with me for ages, just looks at me like that…I run away crying. What are they all going to think of me now? My Pokémon and Ash?"

("They will not think any less of you for it,") Absol said. He sounded so full of conviction that Serena almost wanted to believe him.

"They'll act like they won't. But–"

("They will not act,") Absol interrupted, his voice sterner than it had been thus far. ("It is understandable that you are feeling insecure. Yet you must not think ill of those closest to you, even in your darkest moments. Pangoro, at least, will already feel deeply remorseful. The others have done nothing whatsoever to earn your mistrust, not on this occasion, and it will not do to pin them on arguments already settled.")

He hesitated. ("I will fully admit I am not well versed in handling situations like this one. I do not mean to upset you further, although I fear I may have already done so. Yet I must defend my other comrades in their absence, all the same.")

In spite of herself, Serena smiled faintly. "You're doing a pretty decent job," she said. Then she sighed. "But I just feel so…so weak and stupid. Even if I go back now…what am I going to tell everyone? I can't tell Pangoro that it's okay, because even though I know he won't hurt me now…I'm still afraid. And unlike Mismagius's hunting practices, I can't just avoid Pangoro. I don't know what to do…"

("If I understood you correctly just now, Ash has experience with dealing with aggressive Pokémon. Perhaps he will be able to assist,") Absol said.

"Ash is brave. I'm not, apparently," Serena said, a bit more bitterly than she intended, even in the mood she was in.

("You are. You have already faced danger countless times before. The only difference now is that this danger came from a direction you did not expect. But the only cowardly thing you could do at this point is not going back, and I do not believe, even for a single moment, that that is your intention.")

Serena silently looked at Absol for a few moments, and he resolutely gazed back at her, clearly convinced of what he was saying. A part of her wanted to stay in the clearing for a bit longer, wallowing in her own insecurities, but her talk with Absol had given her back something resembling functional thoughts, so she sighed, got up, and dusted herself off.

"Alright then…" she said unenthusiastically. "Let's go back."

Serena took her time walking back to the Pokémon Center. Even though Absol had convinced her, she still didn't really want to face the others. All the fears she'd voiced to herself before were still going through her head, and though the sadness wasn't quite as overwhelming as when she left the city, it was still weighing heavily on her. It was already dark when she entered the city again, but the streets were still crowded. Hopefully, though, no one would recognize her this time.

"Hey Dad, look! It's that girl from the Exposition!" a young boy sad to his father.

So much for not getting recognized… Serena thought to herself, trying to ignore the boy pointing at her.

"Yes, I see her," the boy's father said, gently pushing down his son's hand. "If she hadn't evolved her Pancham she probably would have won…but so many Trainers think that evolution is everything…"

Serena wanted to turn around and tell the man to mind his own business and that he had no idea about anything, but the whispers from before, about her being a sore loser, now came bubbling back up in her mind. So, despite the difficulty it cost her, she just gritted her teeth and kept walking.

As if I wasn't feeling bad enough already…

Still feeling gloomy, she eventually reached the Pokémon Center and headed inside. Ash was actually waiting for her in the lobby, and to Serena's surprise he seemed to be alone. He looked up when she entered and instantly got up from the couch he'd been sitting on.

"Serena! Are you okay?" he asked. His eyes were full of concern, and Serena tried to give him a smile.

"Kind of," she replied. "Were you waiting for me?"

"Of course I was," Ash said immediately. "After what happened in the match I wanted to talk to you as soon as I could, but, well, I also get wanting to be alone after something like that."

He led Serena back to the couch and sat back down, and Serena followed suit. "But now that you're back… Can you tell me what happened in detail?" he asked.

"Didn't Pangoro tell you?" Serena asked in surprise.

"He did," Ash said with a nod, "but I want to hear it from you."

Serena shrugged. "Well, you saw it, didn't you? Pangoro got angry, I told him to stop, and he…"

She shuddered and bit back the burning feeling in her eyes.

"…looked at me like he wanted to kill me," she finished in a carefully controlled voice. Even now she felt her legs shaking.

"And you're afraid of what could have happened," Ash said quietly.

Serena just gave a single nod, fervently hoping Absol had been right and that Ash wouldn't condemn her now.

"So is he," Ash said after a moment, and Serena looked up. "He's been more worried than any of us and he was afraid you'd never want to see him again. Mismagius tried to calm him down but even she couldn't get through to him. He really thinks you hate him now."

"Of course I don't hate him!" Serena said without thinking.

Ash smiled faintly at her. "We told him that, too, but he didn't listen."

Serena shook her head. "I could never hate him," she said softly, staring at the seat of the couch, "but I can't deny that I'm afraid to talk to him. Afraid he'll have that look in his eyes again…"

She took a deep breath and then looked at Ash again. "How can you be so fearless? I've seen you do so many crazy and dangerous things…and yet you keep doing them like it's nothing. And I…run away from an angry glare."

"I'm not fearless," Ash said quietly.

He put his hands on her shoulders, hesitated for just a moment, and then pulled her close and hugged her.

"This," he said, when he let go again. "This is what I think is scary. Hugging you. Trying to comfort you. With Pokémon, I can sort of understand them naturally. I feel close to them. Even when they're angry, I just don't ever think they'll seriously hurt me. Sure, I get burned, or shocked, or clawed…but I'm never afraid one of them will really injure me. But with you…I am afraid. Afraid that I'll lose you. First it was as a friend, now as both my friend and my g-girlfriend."

He blushed when he said the word, and Serena could feel her own face heating up a bit as well. It still sounded so odd…

"I don't know if what I'm saying is the right thing. I don't know if hugging you is the right thing."

He grinned sheepishly, still red in the face. "I have no idea what I'm doing and ever since we've gotten together, I've been afraid I'll mess up somehow and you won't want to travel together anymore, or something. Angry Pokémon? Easy. Sad girlfriend? Scariest thing I can think of. Because I know it's not because you lost the match, but because of something worse, something I just…don't feel the same way you do, and even I am not dense enough to simply say that it'll be fine, and that makes it feel like I can't help you enough and I hate feeling like I can't help my friends. My girlfriend."

Even though he was saying the word without stuttering now he was still turning redder every time he said it, and Serena thought it was absolutely adorable, as was just how much this seemed to bother him. But more than just being adorable, it made her feel even more affection for Ash than before to see that earnestness on display once again, in this specific way.

"You are helping me," she said softly. "And I think you can help me more."

Ash cocked his head. "How?"

"By helping me talk to Pangoro. I do want to talk to him about what happened, but…I don't think I can do it on my own," Serena said.

Ash nodded immediately. "I can do that," he said, sounding immensely relieved. It was almost like he had been the one tearing himself down in a park for a long time.

Serena got up from the couch and said, "Then let's go talk to him."

Ash quickly scrambled to his feet as well, but before he could begin walking toward the room, Serena put her hand on his shoulder to stop him, and when he gave her a questioning look, she leaned in and kissed him, deeper and more slowly than the usual quick pecks.

When she pulled back, Ash was blushing like crazy.

"Thank you, Ash," she said very quietly, her voice barely louder than a whisper.

Then she smiled, grabbed his hand, and pulled him along. Absol really did have a knack for predicting things, it seemed, and this hadn't even been a disaster…

Somehow, these kinds of chapters usually go quite well for me. Of course, the talk with Pangoro is still to come, but I think I'll be able to fit both that and Ash Gym battle into the next chapter with relative ease. If not, well, so be it. In any case, see you in the next one!