"And I miss a step, then back in the dark" -One Determination, by Lotus Juice and Yumi Kawamura
Ken Amada (p3) 24/06
You lived. And that's not something you really know what to do with.
You had planned to die after killing him, the whole story lost to the grave, where it should stay, or so you felt. Your mother is dead, her killer should follow, and who else mattered?
No one had.
There was no one who could or would help you.
The cops dismissed you. They called it an accident .So did everyone else. Adults are useless.
Mom's cousin took you in, but it's clear she has no idea what to do with a child, and no wish to learn. She sends you off to school, and makes no protest when you spend the holidays there. That's fine. You can take care of yourself. Even took care of Mom some days.
As long as you stay out of trouble and get good grades, she doesn't have to think about you too much, and can be seen as doing her duty. It's an arrangement that works for both of you. It was hard at first, because you were sad and angry, and being accused of lying, but then the social workers came, and that got too much bad attention.
You know that for an orphan- a throw away child- your situation is not a bad one. But it's not what made you stop crying and get out of bed to face the day.
When your mother died, you wanted nothing more than to see her again. But first, you had things you needed to do that she would be proud of.
Going back to school. That was for Mom. You wanted to tell her when you met again, that you were good at school. You want to catch her up on the current plot of Featherman. You want to be able to tell her that you killed her murderer, but she would probably have some mixed feelings about that, so better deliver good news alongside it. She likes Featherman. You used to watch it together. It used to be hard to watch alone, but how could you tell her about it if you didn't watch it?
You made friends. They are older than you, but that's no surprise, you work to be mature. She would like to hear that you made friends.
It wasn't supposed to change the plan in the long run.
The plan was to kill her murderer, and reunite with her mother.
Shinji is dead, although not by your hand. He died to protect you.
It's avragating. Perplexing. Confusing. Anger inducing.
He was willing to die for your vengeance, even as he worked on talking you out of it. He died for you, when you were planning to kill him. He died to save you, even when you had planned that neither of you would survive that night. You want to ask him why, but you can't.
Living would have meant going back to the dorm, and having to live with no more reason to. Once you got your revenge, what would have been the point in dealing with the aftermath?
And now he is dead, and you are still alive, and you don't know what to do with that. You didn't get revenge. You failed.
You don't want to die right now. You don't exactly want to live, either, but it would feel weird to die, after someone else died to save you.
But what are you alive for? Vengeance has been your reason for living for two years, curled up in your chest next to the love you have for your mother. It's been your motivation, your substance and compass.
And now it's gone and it's absence has left you hollowed, empty and cold.
What do you do now?
It's hard to think past the fog in your head.
You should probably stay with SEES. It's not like you really have anywhere else to go, unless you want to go back to your other dorm, or follow Shinji's path to the streets. No thank you.
You can still fight shadows. And dying to a Shadow is a better reason to die then any other reason you have to die currently.
You can figure out the next step if they do end the dark hour.
But as long as it's around, you have a reason to keep breathing.
You get up.