Before Hogwarts, Remus hadn't looked forward to much in particular. His days had been spent full of the worst kind of anticipation: dread of the next full moon, fear of the impending pain, anxiety about the next batty cure his parents would try. Now that Remus was at Hogwarts, however, he was experiencing all sorts of things that he loved, and dread had turned to excitement. Anticipation was sometimes a wonderful thing now that Remus was at Hogwarts.

For instance, right now, Remus was insanely excited for the first day of Duelling Club.

Excitement was spilling from Remus' every thought, and excitement very quickly turned to actions. He practiced duelling with Sirius when James was in Divination or Muggle Studies, he practiced with Peter when Peter was feeling brave enough, and he practiced with James when James wasn't busy with schoolwork. None of them, Remus was proud to note, were any match against Remus. None. He beat them every single time.

"You've been studying nonstop," grumbled Sirius. "You've read all the duelling books in the Hogwarts library. You can't stop thinking about duelling. Of course you're beating us."

"And since when is studying nonstop something to be ashamed of?" asked Remus. "I'm beating you and that's that."

"How many times did you duel John?" asked James.

"Tens of times every single Tuesday and Thursday back in first year."

"Did you ever win?"

"Obviously not. Did you know that Professor Questus was a better duellist than Flitwick? And Flitwick's a champ."

"How do you know exactly what I'm going to do next?" asked Peter.

"I'm just really good, I guess."

"Oh, shut up," said Sirius. "You have an unfair advantage and that's that."

Remus smiled. "Unfair advantage or not, I'm better than you."

And he was. He was pleased to admit that he had improved drastically after so many hours of reading duelling tips, tricks, and practicing by himself. He'd memorized Professor Questus' duelling notebook (word-for-word in many places), and was surprised to note that the tips, though complicated, actually did help when one internalized them.

When the time finally, finally came, Remus showed up to Duelling Club utterly excited, to the point that Sirius told him to calm down at least six times. "I am calm," said Remus, his fingers twitching in excitement.

"I didn't know you liked duelling that much," said Peter.

"I think it'll be fun is all."

"We're just shooting spells at one another," said Sirius. "Can't be that enjoyable."

"You love hexing people."

"Not when they fight back."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on and help me pick out a seat."

The Charms room was more crowded than Remus had ever seen it. Kids were sitting in chairs, on the floor, and on the desks. "Oh dear," said Flitwick. "We may have to move to the Great Hall. FOLLOW ME!"

They followed him to the Great Hall, where Flitwick stood on a table so that he could be better seen and bade all the students to take a seat. Remus took one near the front; he realized too late that his friends had taken one near the back. He stood up and took a new seat next to Peter, who grinned at him. "You look as if you're going to combust with excitement," said Peter.

"I feel as if I'm going to combust with excitement," confessed Remus.

James reached out and ruffled Remus' hair; Remus gave him an indignant look. "You'll be the best one here," said James, "I'm sure of it."

"I hope so," mumbled Remus. He couldn't help shake the feeling that Questus would be disappointed in him if he wasn't the best, even though he knew that the thought was ridiculous... because Professor Questus was always disappointed in him; that was his default emotion. Being a failure at duelling wouldn't change that. And besides, Professor Questus was dead, and dead people couldn't be disappointed.

Suddenly, Remus' excitement dampened slightly.

"All right!" said Flitwick. "Welcome to the very first Duelling Club! Can everybody see me? Yes, good. Now, I want you all to remember that this club is not intended as a battle to the death. We will seek to Disarm only for the first couple of sessions. Now, I'm going to do a quick crash course on stances, blocking, and Disarming..."

Remus knew all this like the back of his hand, so he glanced around the Hall to see who else was at the Duelling Club. It seemed to be half the school. There was Basil, who was sitting next to Valencia and staring at her instead of Flitwick. Valencia was taking notes dutifully; she was not looking at Basil at all. Her perfectly-straight hair shimmied a bit as she wrote vigorously.

There was Snape, who was sitting next to Evans. He had his arms crossed as if he knew everything already (Remus thought it was likely that he already did, actually; Snape had tried to nonverbally hex him back in first year, and he would have been successful if Remus hadn't heard his wand moving underneath the table). Evans was trying to imitate his nonchalant expression, but she was giggling too hard to do so. Even the corners of Snape's mouth were beginning to turn upwards at her antics.

There was Mary MacDonald, who was whispering to a gaggle of girls. There was Milo Ragfarn, who was sitting with a couple of other boys. There was Regulus Black, sitting with the Slytherins… there were a few members of James' Quidditch team from the prior year….

Remus imagined a teenaged Questus sitting in this very Hall, watching this very demonstration, determined to be the best duellist after the death of his sister. He went even further back and imagined Clementine Questus sitting here, who had wanted to be an Auror. He'd only ever seen her in Questus' summer photos—glowing, happy, all sandy hair and rosy cheeks—so that's what he imagined. First Clementine had died, instilling a love of duelling in Questus, and then Questus had died, instilling a love of duelling in Remus… was Remus going to die and instill a love of duelling in one of his friends? How did that work? Was duelling simply a road wrought with death?

"…and that's all you need to know!" finished Flitwick. "Professor Dilley and I will now demonstrate a short duel. Ready, Dilley!"

"Obviously!" said Dilley. The pair of them faced each other, bowed, and then lifted their wands.

The duel was so quick that Remus felt he had hardly blinked before it was over. It was nonverbal, furious, and very creative—Flitwick even doused Dilley with water and then used his moment of surprise to attempt to Disarm him, but Dilley managed to block it and send back another hex, and Flitwick stepped out of the way and cast the Disarming Charm at the same time, and then, before Remus knew it, Dilley's wand was in Flitwick's hand.

"Now, I only want you using Disarming and Shield Charms," said Flitwick, "but you get the idea. May I have two students demonstrators? Lupin, why don't you come up and demonstrate? I hear you're quite the duellist yourself."

Remus went bright red and shook his head. He didn't want to stand out; it only raised his chances of being found out. And he certainly didn't want to duel a stranger!

"I'll duel with you," said Sirius. "Me and Remus can demonstrate, Filius."

"Are you sure? It seemed as if Lupin didn't want to demonstrate."

"He secretly does," said James. "He and Sirius will do it."

Flitwick cast a searching glance towards Remus. Remus still wanted to decline, but if Sirius wanted to do it, then what was the harm? Slowly, Remus nodded. "Sounds good, Professor," he said, and then Sirius was pulling him up to the table by his right arm.

Everyone was staring directly at Remus, and Remus was horribly uncomfortable. They all looked so small from his perch on the table, and even though he was safely on the table, it felt rather perilous to be standing so far above the ground. Remus held out his wand and pointed it towards Sirius. "Ready?" he said.

"We have to bow first," said Sirius.

Remus flushed as the other students tittered a bit. He and Questus had never bowed before duels—Questus hadn't had the patience for silly formalities like that. Remus hurriedly put his wand at his side and kept his eyes on Sirius as he bowed clumsily (unlike Sirius, whose bow was the most graceful thing that Remus had ever seen. Benefits of growing up in a Pureblood family, Remus supposed). "Ready?" whispered Sirius. "I'll try not to embarrass you too much when I win."

"You wish," said Remus with a grin. "I'm loads better than you."

Flitwick gave them the nod to begin, and Sirius cast a spell right away. "Expelliarmus!" he cried, and Remus blocked it wordlessly.

"Oh, nonverbal magic! Very well done!" squeaked Flitwick. Remus smiled and then Disarmed Sirius. Sirius didn't have a chance.

"It's only because he's been practicing nonstop," announced Sirius to the cheering crowd, a little bit bitter that he'd been beaten so quickly in front of everyone.

"But I'm still better," said Remus.

"Very, very good!" said Flitwick. He was bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet. "Would you mind duelling with me, Lupin? I'd like them to see what a more experienced beginning duel looks like. I'll go easy, of course!"

"Sure," said Remus.

Sirius hopped off of the table, and Remus suddenly felt very alone and exposed. They all knew who he was. Remus had been told in the past that he was popular (how could he not be, after befriending James and Sirius?), and it made him very nervous. The more people who knew who he was, the more people who would notice that he was missing on the full moons… and the more people who noticed, the more people who would discover the truth about him.

But he wouldn't think about that right now. Right now, he had to focus.

Flitwick only came up to Remus' chest, and it was a little bit odd to stand across from him and bow. Remus was a little self-conscious about bowing (mostly because he kept accidentally going too low and stumbling). "Ready?" said Flitwick.

"Er… yeah, I think," said Remus.

Flitwick shot the first spell, and Remus tried his best to keep up. It was very clear that Flitwick was going easy on him (he'd been focusing during his duel with Dilley, but now he was just smiling serenely and oft times seemed to be distracted), but Remus still struggled to match his skill. The duel was so much faster than anything that Remus had ever done before. Even Professor Questus had slowed down more than that (but Remus had been in first year back then and had barely known how to use magic as it was, so that made sense).

Remus could hardly even think. He was focusing on keeping his spells nonverbal, but he wasn't quite good enough at offensive spells to cast nonverbal Disarming spells, so he ended up playing defense nearly the whole time. It was exhausting to focus fully on every single Shield Charm, but he managed to get enough strong forcefields to block as many spells as Flitwick sent his way.

He tried to remember the tips that Questus had written in the duelling notebook, but it was harder to put them into practice whilst duelling someone so experienced. Questus had written over and over again that learning how to hold a conversation whilst duelling was a good skill, but Remus couldn't imagine casting Shield Charms and talking at the same time when he was going this quickly. He didn't think that his focus would ever be properly honed.

Finally, Flitwick managed to Disarm Remus, but it didn't feel like Remus had lost the duel at all—the whole school, it seemed, was clapping for him, and Flitwick looked fit to burst.

"Well done!" he squeaked. "Oh, well done! Marvelous! Did you see those effortless nonverbal Shield Charms, sixth-years? Very, very good!"

"I wouldn't call them effortless," quipped Remus—a few students laughed, which boosted his spirits even more.

Flitwick was still bouncing up and down, clearly elated. "Okay! Now I want everyone to turn to the person next to you—space out, that's it—and practice Disarming and blocking each other. Duel to Disarm only, you hear? I don't want to see any hexes! Dilley and I will be walking about and making sure that you're all following the rules!"

As the class descended into controlled pandemonium, Flitwick leaned closer to Remus. It was a good job that Remus had enhanced werewolf senses; otherwise he wouldn't have been able to hear Flitwick whatsoever, due to the unfortunate height difference. "Very well done," said Flitwick again. "I can absolutely tell that you were coached by John Questus."

"Really?" said Remus.

"It's your duelling style. Very precise and practiced. The way you step to the side as a first instinct instead of putting up a shield… the way you can predict in which direction the next spell is likely to be cast… and just the way you move. Very reminiscent of my duels with him."

Remus thought about that. He'd only duelled with Questus for about a year, but he supposed that he'd absorbed some information from the duelling notebook after all, even though he'd felt that the duel with Flitwick had gone by too fast to truly utilize any of it. "That's interesting," said Remus softly.

"How did that duel compare with your lessons in first year? Questus always did tell me about those."

Remus couldn't imagine Professor Questus talking to other people about him. "It was faster," Remus admitted, "but Professor Questus always went very easy on me."

"Ah, I see. Well, go on and practice, then. You're shaping up to be a marvelous wizard, Mr. Lupin."

Remus smiled before retreating to his friends and attempting a half-hearted duel with Peter (who was admittedly not up to Remus' skill level). Remus was glad, at least, that some part of Questus still remained in the world—even if it was just a certain duelling style that Remus was trying and mostly failing to mimic.

"Cockroach Clusters," said Remus, and the gargoyles parted to permit him entry. Dumbledore was sitting inside his office with a book.

"Remus. What can I do for you?" Dumbledore asked. Some sort of music was playing. It sounded like a trombone, but Remus couldn't quite be sure. Dumbledore waved his wand, and the music cut off abruptly.

"I was… er… I mean, it's all right if you don't want to, but I was… hoping that you could help me with… my Arithmancy project, sir," said Remus, looking at the floor. "I'm not sure what to do next. I read the textbook all the way through, but I'm afraid I still don't understand all of what I'm meant to do."

"You are undertaking an extremely difficult project," said Dumbledore thoughtfully. "I want you to be able to go to Professor Craff with your questions, though, instead of me. After all, I am the headmaster—as much as I would love to help you, I may not always have the time. And, as it turns out, Arithmancy coaching happens to be what I'm paying Professor Craff to do."

Remus shuffled his feet. "Oh… I know. I understand. That's fine."

"You still don't feel comfortable going to her with questions?"

"Professor, she's even more hostile towards me than she was before. I constantly have direct contact with her son."

Dumbledore frowned. "Hostile?"

"Well, not… hostile, per se, but… you know. She doesn't like me. It's really uncomfortable. And I… well… that's not the part that bothers me."

"Go on," Dumbledore pressed, and Remus sighed.

"She keeps comparing me to Professor Questus," said Remus.

And it was true. It had happened the one time, and Remus had assumed that it had been an accident. But just yesterday, Professor Craff had done it again. And she'd done it a couple days before, too. And she had done it today in the corridor.

It was small, of course. Only minor comments, and usually quiet enough that the rest of the class couldn't hear... but she knew that it made Remus uncomfortable, and Remus suspected she hoped that Remus would leave her class—and maybe the school—if he was uncomfortable enough. Remus was never going to do that, of course, but it still felt rather horrible.

"It's not a big deal," continued Remus in a much smaller voice. "I don't mind all that much. But…"

"Ah," said Dumbledore. "I see why that might be uncomfortable." He sighed again and steepled his fingers. "Professor Craff and John Questus' relationship was always rather rocky, you understand. I'm afraid they never really got on. Well… I suppose I was being a bit too euphemistic there. Professor Craff hated him, possibly more than she had ever hated anyone else in her life—and he was always very adamant when it came to how you were treated, Remus. He was strongly opinionated, and he was not afraid to make his opinions known to others."

"Yes, sir, I knew that."

"I think everyone did. And, when he taught at Hogwarts in particular… he was very defensive of you. He and Professor Craff got into many a debate about your humanity and deservingness of a place in human society."

Remus winced a bit. "I'm not sure I wanted to know that."

"I apologize. My point is, Remus, John Questus mentored you more than anyone expected him to. Not only are you a Dark, emotionless creature in the eyes of Professor Craff, you are also the protegee of the man she hated most. I imagine she's trying to justify her hatred of you."

"I don't care what she's doing. I just don't want to be thinking of Professor Questus all the time."

"I understand completely, and I shall talk to her about it. In the meantime... what can I do for you?"

Remus glanced at the book that Dumbledore had been reading. It seemed to be about dandelions. Remus didn't ask. "I watched a full moon memory," he said.

"Oh, good. How did it go? Was the clock in the right place?"

"Yes, sir. Although… could we perhaps put a Silencing Charm on it? The ticking was a bit annoying."

"Oh, of course. Very good idea. And how was viewing the memory itself? Do you wish to talk about it?"

"Er…." Remus thought about that. No, not really. He wanted to talk about it with Professor Questus, not Professor Dumbledore… but still, he supposed that Dumbledore was better than nothing. "It's embarrassing. I didn't watch the actual transformations… I couldn't force myself to, even though I knew that watching was a lot easier than doing."

"Perfectly understandable. No reason to live through that again."

"But… but I did see myself as…"

"As a wolf," Dumbledore supplied.

"Yes, that." Remus fell silent. "You saw that, didn't you? When I gave you that memory in my first year, because you wanted to see if there was anything that you could do?"

"I did."

"How do you…." Remus' cheeks were red, he was certain, but he soldiered on. "How do you even look at me? I… that was… I'm an absolute monster during the full moon, and…"

"Remus, that wasn't you."

Remus shook his head. "It was. It was me. I remember everything, you know. I remember everything that happens on the full moon—my thought processes, my motivations—everything. It is me, it's just a version of me with no morals and with certain impulses..."

"And that, Remus, is precisely what I am saying. The differences between your current mindset and your mindset on the full moon consist of two main things: impulses and morals. Impulses are merely whims, and morals are how we choose to control our whims. Impulses and morals are the very things that form a personality, Remus. Those are what make us who we are, not memories."

"It's still me," said Remus, shaking his head. "It may be a different me, but it's still me."

"Well, I think no less of you," said Dumbledore, "and you shouldn't think less of yourself, either. Do you think that you can continue watching the memories and writing down the times?"

"I think so, sir. I just need to desensitize myself."

"If you're certain. Please know that you may stop at any time."

"I don't want to."

"Very well." Dumbledore smiled at Remus a little sadly, and suddenly, Remus felt the true weight of what lay ahead fall on his shoulders. He was going to have to watch those memories, over and over, and the image of himself as a wolf would burn itself permanently into the insides of his eyes, chained to his human mind as well as his wolf one. He swallowed.

"What did you need my help with?" asked Dumbledore after a while.

"Oh, yeah. I made a list of possible factors and outcomes." Remus breathed deeply and then pulled a list out of his bag and handed it to Dumbledore. "I can't think of any more. Are there any that I missed, do you suppose?"

Dumbledore looked at the list for a very long moment. "This is very thorough," he said. "Well done. You may want to take location and stress levels into account."

"Ah, location!" said Remus. "I forgot about that. And how would I measure stress levels? That was the other question I had—I want to be able to predict how bad the full moon is going to be, but I'm not sure how to record that, either. The measurements are too subjective."

"I'm not sure I can give you the answer, since this is a school assignment," said Dumbledore, which was fair, "but I shall try my best to give you vague hints."

"Okay…?"

"My first hint is that you are not looking for a precise measurement. The second is that this is all dependent on how you feel, so you should get to set the measurements yourself. The third is that everything is relative."

Remus thought about that. "Er… I suppose I could just rate them both from one to five."

Dumbledore smiled. "Yes, that seems like a very good idea."

"I think that I should get Madam Pomfrey to rate them one to five, too, since she sees the full extent of my injuries."

"Very clever of you."

"Besides, she always says that my numbers are too low when I have to rate my pain from one to ten. But it's hard to do that. I have to take a lot into account. Does she want a perfectly accurate number, one being a slight bump and ten being the Cruciatus Curse? Does she want a vague idea? I can never tell, and my pain is always low compared to a transformation."

"I think that Madam Pomfrey just uses it with you to get you to think about something else."

Remus thought about that. "Oh, that makes sense."

"Now that I've told you, she can't use it anymore. You may have to find something else to focus on."

"Like sheep or something," said Remus thoughtfully. "All right. Thank you, Professor. For everything."

"It is my pleasure, and I shall try to get Professor Craff to behave a tad more warmly towards you."

"I don't want to make her do anything that she's uncomfortable with."

"But that's how we grow, Remus. Professor Craff is very intelligent, but we all have additional learning and growing to do. Now, why don't you go back to your dormitory and tell James Potter that it's going to rain this afternoon? I suspect that he's going to want to practice Quidditch, but I'm afraid he'll be caught in a storm if he does so."

"Yes, sir. Thank you again."

Remus left Dumbledore's office feeling a lot better, though he couldn't say why.

As for James, he practiced Quidditch that afternoon (despite Dumbledore's warning). He did get caught in a massive storm, but he didn't care—Remus didn't like the wet smell that lingered in the dormitory for ages, but he didn't complain.

AN: "Sweet Caroline" is such a good song