"I thought that perhaps we could look at the portrait outside my house first," said Remus, pulling on his shoes. "The one behind the Visionvines? It must be guarding something, because there's no real reason a portrait would be on the outside of the house if it weren't."

"I don't know," said Sirius. "Wizards do weird things. Once I found a toilet in the forest."

"…What?"

"Yeah. My parents were on holiday in Germany one day, and I was out in the forest."

"Why were you out in the…?"

"Hiding from my mum. I'd just turned her favorite dress red. Anyway, then I came across a toilet—just in the middle of the forest. I asked my dad about it, and he told me that there was a brief phase in the 1940s where wizards would leave toilets in the most inopportune places. It was just for fun, he said. Bit of a wizarding sport. Government's taken most of them down, but you can still find a few here and there."

Remus wrinkled his nose in confusion. "What's that got to do with…?"

"Maybe there was a thing like that with portraits."

"I doubt that."

"You never know with wizards."

"Well," said Remus, entirely confused, "we should probably go check it out anyway. You have to admit: a blank portrait on the side of my house, hidden by some Visionvines, right in front of a hollow space between my room and the outside wall? That's pretty suspicious."

"I agree," said James. "Off we go, Marauders!"

"There's got to be a secret password or something," said Peter.

The four of them were standing in front of the blank portrait, staring. Remus had stared so much that his eyes were starting to go a bit wobbly, and he'd practically memorized every single facet of the ornate silver frame. And it was freezing.

"Obviously there's a password, Wormtail," said Sirius scornfully. "What else would there be?"

"Well, maybe it's a secret dance or something," said Peter, affronted.

"A secret dance? You've gone mad."

"It's a good theory!"

"No, it's daft!"

"You're daft!"

"Wait," said Remus, interrupting them (and not just because he hated seeing his friends argue). "I heard something."

Remus' friends fell silent, and Remus listened.

He heard the rustling of the trees. He heard the mud squish beneath Peter's toes, who was shifting nervously. He heard breathing and heartbeats and the whirring of the gears in his watch. He heard birds. He heard his own teeth chattering (it was freezing). And then he heard it again: a small, polite coughing noise—coming from inside the portrait. "Ahem," it said.

"H-h-hello?" called Remus. He was shivering, so his voice was all stuttery. Fiddlesticks, it was really cold. "Wh-who's there?"

The portrait did not respond.

"Th-there's someone th-there," said Remus to his friends. "I-I-I'm certain of it. He—or she—is only… hidden. W-watching us. W-waiting."

"Waiting for what?" asked Peter, and Remus was jealous in spite of himself that his friends could withstand the cold better than he could.

"I d-d-don't know. But it's n-not really an emp-empty p-p-p-portrait—there's someone th-there. So we n-need to k-keep trying."

"I don't believe you," said Sirius stiffly.

"Huh?"

"I said I don't believe you. Awfully convenient, isn't it, that you can hear things we can't? Awfully convenient that your super-hearing isn't giving you an answer—only confirmation that we should keep looking? Awfully convenient that it gave you confirmation just as we started arguing? Hm, Moony?"

"Yeah, it's c-c-c-convenient," said Remus. "C-coincidences sometimes are."

"It's not a coincidence. It's a lie, just as you did to us all of first year."

"That's… that's u-u-unfair! You know I had to! There w-was no o-other w-way!"

"Sure, no other way. Well, maybe you should have just stayed home! Maybe you shouldn't have come in the first place!"

Remus' mind returned, unbidden, to the conversation that he'd had with Peter several days earlier.

Did everyone think that he should have never come to Hogwarts? Now that he thought about it, it did seem a bit stupid. He was putting everyone in danger, wasn't he? And now his friends had to bear the weight of his lycanthropy, as well—it was no wonder that Sirius was getting frustrated. Remus got frustrated with himself sometimes, too. He was high-maintenance, low-confidence, and he could get annoying… even to his own ears.

"I'm s-s-s-s-sssssorry," he said, shivering violently, and he meant it.

Sirius was looking guilty now. "No, I'm sorry," he said. "I was being stupid. I'm just cold and tired… didn't get much sleep last night; James was keeping us up all weekend to work on that… er, project. So it's his fault, really."

"Oi!" said James.

"Yeah," said Peter.

"Okay," said Remus.

"Ahem," said the portrait, and this time it was much louder. All four Marauders' heads spun towards it, only to find that it was no longer empty.

A painted man in ornate green robes stood before them from within the frame, sporting a beard to rival that of Dumbledore himself. "Ahem," he said again. "You called?"

Remus' mouth dropped open. "Er, y-y-yeah. We've b-been c-calling for about an hour n-now…."

"No, you called just now." The man began to twirl his beard between his fingers, clearly unimpressed. "Which of you is my heir, then?"

"Your heir?" asked Sirius.

"Yes, my heir."

At the Marauders' silence, the man sighed heavily. "The Parselmouth. Which of you is it? One of you summoned me in Parseltongue."

James' eyes grew wide, and he turned to look at Sirius. "Are you a Parselmouth?" he asked in a hushed whisper.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Of course not. I'd have to be a direct descendent of Salazar Slytherin. I'm from a prestigious Slytherin family, yeah, but I'm not from that prestigious Slytherin family."

"Might be a stupid question," said Peter timidly, "but what's a Parselmouth?"

"You're right, that is a stupid question," said Sirius. "Everybody knows that."

"It's s-someone who can s-speak to snakes," said Remus quietly. "They s-s-say that only p-people closely r-related to Salazar S-Slytherin can d-do it. But… b-but I thought it was a m-myth."

"It's not a myth," said the man in the portrait. "One of you just did it."

"Hang on a second. Did you say 'my heir'?" asked James. "Does that mean that you're… Salazar Slytherin?"

"Guilty as charged," said Salazar Slytherin. "Come on. Which one of you spoke it? One of you had to have done it; otherwise I wouldn't have been summoned."

The four of them looked at each other, and Remus shrugged. "I d-don't think any of us are Pars-s-selmouths," he said.

Suddenly, James' mouth fell open even wider than it already had been. "Wait!" he said. "Remus! Remember when you apologized to Sirius?"

"Which time?" asked Sirius. "Remus apologizes all the time. It's rather annoying."

"Just now! You were shivering, so the S came out all funny. I think… I think maybe you accidentally spoke Parseltongue!"

"That's r-ridiculous," said Remus. "What are the o-odds that I'd say a v-very s-specific w-word in a language I d-don't even know? On a-accident, n-n-no less?"

"It didn't have to be a specific word," said Salazar. "It could have been anything, as long as you were speaking the language. In this case, I believe you said a highly grammatically-incorrect version of the sentence 'there is soda in the library'. Salazar changed that security function on his later secret passageways, thankfully."

"So it is a secret passage?" asked Peter, his face flushed with either excitement or fear (Remus couldn't tell which, but he could tell that his heart was beating at a near-impossibly fast rate).

"And there are more secret passages that Slytherin made?" asked Sirius.

"Yes and yes. I'd really like to keep all this a secret from you, but I was told to let in anyone who spoke Parselmouth. So you're allowed to come in, boy. But just you." He pointed towards Remus, who was currently standing on one foot and hugging himself tightly in an effort to keep warm. "The rest of you are going to have to wait out here."

"We can't let Remus go in by himself!" cried James. "It could be dangerous!"

Remus shrugged again. He really just wanted to go somewhere warm, even if it was a dangerous secret passageway. "I'll b-b-be f-fine."

"He can hardly talk, see? We have to go help him, Mr. Salazar Slytherin!"

"No. Not unless you speak Parseltongue, too." Salazar made a face. "Which wouldn't really be all that difficult, now that I think about it. You could probably just make random hissing noises."

"Great idea!" said James. "Thanks, Mr. Salazar Slytherin!"

Before Remus could even register what was happening, all three of his friends were violently hissing as the portrait. Remus rolled his eyes, and so did the Slytherin portrait. "Fine, fine," said the portrait. "You've all said something, at least. Come on in."

"What did we say?" asked James.

"You said 'milk dinosaur'. Your friend with the dark hair said 'rosewater'. The fat one said 'spider jug' and then an incorrectly-conjugated form of a verb that means 'to do the samba'."

"Cool," said James. "Milk dinosaur." He started hissing again, trying to replicate the noises that he had made previously. "Did I do it again, Mr. Slytherin?"

"No. That was a swear word, actually. A pretty bad one."

James giggled. "Oh. So… what do we do? Are you just going to move aside and let us in or something?"

"I suppose." Salazar sighed heavily. "I hate this. Fine. Here goes." He disappeared from the portrait, and then the portrait-frame swung open to reveal a long, dark corridor.

"Let's go!" said James, ecstatic, but Remus grabbed his wrist before he could jump in.

"Prongs," he whispered. Fear and shock were canceling out his shivering, so he was able to talk normally for the first time in an hour. "Remember what happened last time we unknowingly jumped into something like this on the side of my house?"

"Yeah. We escaped. It was fine."

Remus thought of the Visionvines and began shivering again, though this time it wasn't just because of the cold. "I j-just think that m-maybe we should…."

"Are you a Gryffindor or what?" said James impatiently. "You've been going on about this secret passageway for ages, Moony. You can't chicken out now. Don't be a baby."

"I'm n-not a b-baby…."

"Coward."

"I'm not—"

"Fragile china doll."

That was the last straw. "Fine," said Remus. "But I get all your things when you die."

James chortled. "Fine by me," he said. "Ready, Wormtail? Padfoot?"

They each nodded—Peter looked terrified, but Sirius simply looked bored. "I can't believe your house actually has a secret passageway," he grumbled.

Remus smiled. It was nice being right, even when faced with possible horrors right in front of his face.

So, without further ado, the Marauders stepped into the corridor, one by one. As soon as Peter (who was bringing up the rear) stepped inside, the portrait-frame closed behind them with a snap.

So here they were, trapped in a dark corridor built by Salazar Slytherin himself—with no wands, no light, and virtually no way out. But at least it was warmer.

"I won't say I told you so," whispered Remus, and James hit him.

"I can't see a thing," Peter complained. They'd been wandering the corridor for about five minutes now, but all they succeeded in doing was bumping into walls. Except for Remus, who was currently huddled on the ground, trying to warm up. "We're gonna be trapped in here forever. What are we going to do?!"

"I can see all right," said Remus quietly, lifting his head from his knees. "You know. Werewolf night vision and all that."

Sirius crossed his arms. "Well, why didn't you tell us that earlier, you berk?"

"Because… because it's not helpful. I don't see a thing. It's just a corridor—there's not even a door at the end."

"Your werewolfish senses got us into this mess, so they can get us out," said Sirius. "Come on, Remus. You don't… I dunno, smell anything? Notice anything? Hear anything?"

"I hear your annoying voice," Remus snapped.

James held up his hands. "Okay, lads. That's enough. We're all trapped in here, so we might as well work together. Moony, do you need us to stop breathing or something so that you can listen?"

Remus sighed and stood up. "No. I'm just going to walk around for a bit. I'll tell you if I notice anything."

"Righty-o. We'll do the same. Let us know if we're about to fall off a cliff or something."

"Sure." Remus started inspecting the walls, looking for something of value. He started breathing deeply through his nose, hoping to catch an important scent. He listened, but the only things that he could really hear were the painful noises of his friends crashing into things.

The passageway was rather narrow, but the walls weren't perfectly straight and flat. It seemed to be some sort of cave, judging by the musty scents, the sounds of water dripping, and the stone walls. Remus kept stepping into puddles. He knelt and ran his fingers through the water. Was is magical, perhaps? Nope, just normal water.

He walked back to where the portrait had closed behind them—he felt the grooves where the wall had opened up, but he couldn't pry it back open.

He kept inspecting the walls, running his hands over them and knocking every so often. "I wonder where we are," he said.

"What do you mean?" asked James. "We're in a secret passageway."

"I know that. But… this must be between the outside bricks of the house and my room. I think my room is on that end—" Remus pointed toward the opposite wall from where they had entered— "and bricks were built along the other sides. But why? I expected the passage to be a tunnel to an underground chamber or something… you know, something useful. But this is just a dumb cave. There's nothing here."

"Maybe there's a password," said Peter.

"Is that your solution to everything, Wormy? 'Maybe there's a password'?" said James.

Remus rolled his eyes, even though he knew that his friends couldn't see him. "Well, he was right last time, wasn't he?"

James sighed. "Yeah. But we really have no chance of finding it. Come on, Remus, you're really the only one who can find hints here. The rest of us are sitting ducks. Keep looking."

"You know, you might have been able to get me out from the outside if you'd let me go in by myself," called Remus. Now he was running his hands against the wall, looking carefully for a button or marking or something.

"Yeah, but… wait a second! This is an emergency! We're trapped in a cave! We could use magic… anyone have their wand on them?"

Remus stopped running his hands against the wall and placed them on his hips. "I do, but we're not using it."

"We're allowed, Remus. It's an emergency. And you use magic at home illegally all the time."

"Yeah, when my dad is around! The Ministry isn't able to tell who did the magic, only that magic was done. But Dad is working at the Ministry right now, and my mum is a Muggle. So the Ministry would know that it was me, and there's no way I'd win that trial."

"But it's an emergency!"

"But I'm a werewolf. They're looking for any excuse to get rid of me. My life isn't in danger, so I'm not using magic." Remus resumed inspecting the walls, frowning. "And don't any of you use it, either. They'll just pin it on me."

"Fine, fine," said James. "It's still on you to get us out, mate."

"Yeah, I know. I'm looking. Be quiet and let me focus."

They shut up, and Remus continued dragging his fingers against the wall. He listened for something hollow… felt for scratches… hoped with all his heart that he'd find something and they wouldn't be stuck forever, because that would be really annoying. Remus had come to peace with his shorter lifespan, yes, but that didn't mean he wanted to be a skeleton in an abandoned passageway at age thirteen.

Just as he was making his fourth round, he found what he was looking for.

"Prongs," he whispered. Technically, he didn't have to whisper, but for some reason it felt appropriate. "C'mere. I found some runes, I think."

James stumbled towards Remus, and Remus was reminded of the fact that his friends couldn't see nearly as well as he could. "I can't see them, Moony. You're going to have to translate for me," said James.

"Well, I can't see them, either. They're just barely carved in there… I can only feel them a little. Come on and help me out." Remus grabbed James' hand and pressed it against the runes. "You're better at runes than I am. Can you feel anything? I thought I got 'pig', but I'm not exactly sure."

"Yeah, I do feel 'pig'," said James, frowning. "The next word is 'acne', I think."

"Pig acne?" repeated Sirius with an incredulous giggle. "That doesn't even make any… wait a second."

"Hogwarts," said the Marauders at the same time.

"Why would the wall say Hogwarts?" wondered James, running his fingers along the rest of the runes. "The rest of this is far too advanced for me to read, even with my brilliant memory. You don't know these words, Remus?"

"I thought I got 'door', but I'm not sure."

"Hm. Well, none of that is helpful." James sighed, clearly frustrated. "I don't want to die young," he said. "I want to grow up and be old so that I can grow a beard."

"…What?"

"I want a long beard like Dumbledore's. It looks like it would be fun to braid."

"That's your only incentive for reaching a healthy age?"

"Yes."

"…All right, then. I suppose that's fair." Remus sighed and shook his head. "Come on, let's try to figure this out. What if there's a… wait. James."

"Yeah?"

"Have you read Chapter Seventeen? In the Ancient Runes textbook?"

"No…? We're on Chapter Fifteen. How far have you read?"

"Chapter Twenty-Three, I think." Remus scowled a bit as James started laughing hysterically. "Shut up. I'm bored in the Hospital Wing, okay? Maybe if you visited me more."

Remus had meant it as a joke, but it had come out a tad bitter, and now James looked slightly stricken. "Sorry, mate," he said. "We've got a project, though, and we also have school. Can't be with you all hours of the day."

"I know, I know," said Remus. "I'm sorry. I was only joking."

Still, he knew for a fact that his friends could, in fact, spare a few more minutes every day just to check in. School didn't last that long. Remus had been a bit resentful of the "project" for months, but now it hit him in full force. He hated that project… but he wouldn't say anything; he'd already overstepped his boundaries for the day.

"What's your point about Chapter Seventeen?" asked Sirius impatiently, and Remus came back to his senses.

"Ancient Runes probably aren't actually magical," he said. "People believed they were magical, but it's probably all just superstition. But sometimes, in certain powerful circles of magic—especially in Slytherin's time—people used to think that rubbing the runes activated them. It's possible that Slytherin charmed the runes so that a certain motion—rubbing—was the password. So if we just…" Remus ran his hand across the runes, back and forth—all of a sudden, a mighty rumbling noise came from the wall. Remus jumped.

They watched (well, Remus watched—his friends could hardly see) as the wall formed two great, rectangular boulders. It split, revealing a long, dark corridor. The walls around Remus were shaking from the force, and a few stray pebbles fell on his head. When the walls finally stopped moving, the walls continued to shake—they were cracking. Long, narrow cracks were beginning to spider up the sides of the stone. Remus held his breath.

And then they stopped.

He exhaled. "Thank goodness," he mumbled. "I thought for sure it was going to collapse, but it's only just revealed a corridor."

"Me too," said Peter. "It still might collapse. Mightn't it, Remus? It might."

"It might," Remus agreed. "We should probably…" He hesitated.

James rolled his eyes. "Yes, Remus, we should go down that corridor. There's nowhere else to go, is there?"

"Right." Remus took a deep breath. "I s'pose we should."

And so they began to walk down the darkened corridor: James and Sirius were grinning, Peter was shaking, and Remus was beginning to think that perhaps going to find the secret passageway hadn't been such a great idea after all.