Hello, everyone! Believe it or not, I am currently working on chapter 8, so if I mysteriously disappear, ya'll will at least have that many chapters. Thank you for reading, and as always, please leave a review. Sometimes you spot things that we missed.

One last thing: thinking about changing the title to better reflect the type of story it is. What are your thoughts? IF I do change the title, it would be the first and only time I change it.

Book I Chapter VI: The Divine Comedy

Luke had a dilemma.

He knew he couldn't ignore the call from Septimus, not unless he wanted to risk further irritating his adopted father. However, he also wanted to avoid whatever sadistic punishment the old coot had in mind. He wiped his sweaty palms against the smooth fabric of his cargo pants.

The last time he had ignored Septimus, the old man had gathered the resident monks in the temple's main courtyard and forced him to recite classical poetry, wearing nothing but a loincloth. He shuddered at the memory. Hoping to avoid a similar incident, he reluctantly answered the call.

He immediately regretted his decision.

"You brat!" the old man hollered through the phone, rattling his eardrums. Luke flinched, pulling the phone away from his ear. Would it kill him to speak softer? I mean, I did forget to call, but still…

"I thought I told you to call me when things settled down?"

Grani, amused, muffled a short giggle. Luke's heart caught in his throat. He held a finger to his lips in an attempt to shut her up, but it was too little, too late. Septimus had already heard.

"Was that a laugh?" he asked aggressively. "Who's there with you? Where are you? Put me on speaker."

A bead of sweat dripped down his temple. "No, I uh… I don't think that's necessary," Luke mumbled.

"Did I stutter, boy?"

He bit the inside of his cheek. Shouldn't have answered the door this morning. He braced himself for the oncoming storm and tapped the screen.

"Okay, you're—"

"Hello? Hello!" Septimus yelled, interrupting him. "Damn hearing aids."

What hearing aids?! Luke gurgled out a groan as embarrassment welled up inside him. He knew damn well that Septimus could hear perfectly fine, in spite of his age. The old man was acting up on purpose. Luke side-eyed Franka, who was clearly struggling to hold in her amusement. At his glance, a titter slipped past her lips.

"Who's there? Is this thing on?" A series of dull thunks came from the speaker, as Septimus smacked the receiver against his palm. "Just gotta give it a couple of good whacks," Septimus mumbled to himself.

"For Heaven's sake, Gramps! Get on with it—ah, shit!" Luke cursed as the van drove over a bump, causing him to bite his tongue.

"Whozzat? Are you in a brothel?!"

Luke choked. Am I in a what?!

Whatever restraint Grani had left crumbled in an instant. She pitched forward in her seat, wheezing hysterically, tears sprouting from the corners of her eyes. Franka and Exusiai were no better; even Liskarm and Texas spared a few chuckles. The whole damn van was filled with a chorus of laughs, chuckles, and giggles, and Luke knew Septimus would never let him live it down. He should've known the old bastard wouldn't hesitate to make a fool of him, even in front of people he'd only just gotten to know. More than anything, he wished he hadn't been so damn lazy about a simple phone call.

"Well? Are you?" Septimus asked.

Luke gagged. "What?! No, I—"

Septimus clucked with disappointment. "I know you have a hard time holding it in, with all the wet dreams and what-not, but try to control yourself, kid."

"With the what?!" Grani managed to squeak between bouts of laughter and gasps for air.

Luke felt a flush crawling up his neck. He was well beyond simple embarrassment; now, he was absolutely mortified. "He's lying! I swear! Gramps, tell them you're lying!" he begged desperately, his voice pitched far higher than normal.

His pleas fell on deaf ears. "Consider it revenge for ignoring me for all week. Gahaha!"

That's not a denial! Luke sobbed internally. The good reputation he had painstakingly forged over a week, gone in an instant, all for the amusement of a decrepit sadist. He groaned in despair. "What do you want…?"

"Just checking if you're still alive."

"I am, and I'm rather regretting it right now."

"Which means you're still alive." Septimus paused briefly before chuckling warmly. "It sounds like you found some friends. How are things?"

Luke wanted nothing more than to hang up, but he knew that would only make things worse. If this was the Old Man's revenge for a week of absence, interrupting the call would only embolden him, make him double down.

"Fine, I guess? Would've been better if you had never called," he trailed off, then huffed. "Currently on my way to Lungmen to observe my trainers on a mission."

Septimus whistled in appreciation. "First week and already heading out on a mission."

"Yep."

Please hang up, please hang up. Luke chanted mentally, hoping his thoughts would somehow reach Higashi. They didn't.

"Well? Are you going to introduce me to your friends or what?" Septimus demanded.

Luke pulled a face. He couldn't believe Septimus had the gall to ask. "After what you just did? Hell no!"

Septimus grunted. "Ah come on, kid. Don't be like that. Start off with the loud one."

Luke glanced towards the mess that was Grani. Her visor had fallen onto her lap, and loose strands of hair were sticking out at odd angles. Wheezing and tomato-faced, Grani looked as though she had just run a marathon.

"I'm sorry sir, I—" was all she managed to squeak out before tumbling into another fit of laughter.

Luke would have socked her in the gut if she wasn't so gosh darn adorable. It would be morally wrong, like kicking a puppy, or stealing candy from a baby. You just don't do that.

Septimus chuckled. "Alright, we can save the introductions for later. Let's get down to business. I need to speak with Exusiai."

Luke blinked in surprise. What the… He looked over his shoulder through the rear window, half expecting to see the Old Man tailing close behind. He caught Exusiai snickering as he faced forward. "How'd you know she was here?"

"Connections!" Septimus exclaimed, as if it were the most obvious thing. "What good are they if you don't use them? I knew you were heading out this morning. I even knew when you'd all be piling into that van, if you catch my drift."

Luke was baffled by the influence Septimus held, doubly so by the ways he chose to use it. It sometimes felt like the old bastard personally knew the entirety of Terra, and yet, here he was using it to embarrass his adopted son. Luke gently tossed the phone across the van, into Exusiai's waiting hands.

She caught the phone with a smile. "Hello again, mister!"

"My second favorite Angel!" Septimus boomed. "How's the Big E?"

Luke rolled his eyes at the thought of the immortal penguin. That bastard. To say that he hated the Emperor would be an overstatement, but as an old family friend, the infamous rapper had given Luke his fair share of grief over the years.

Exusiai hummed. "The boss? Well, I haven't seen him since we accepted your mission, but knowing him, he's probably fine!"

"Great. Tell him to be a good godfather for once and watch over the kid, alright?"

That was news to him. Luke balked, horrified at the prospect. "He's my what?!" Never in a thousand years would he have thought the Emperor was his godparent. Though he supposed that Septimus, of all people, would see the Emperor as a fitting role model. Luke shuddered as memories of his "internship" with the penguin resurfaced.

The Emperor held out a flipper and shouted expectantly, "Lil' man! Where's my OJ?"

He waddled into the room, pushing Luke with his head. "Yo, Sevens check it. This shit's fire." The penguin smacked him over the head. "Aye, boy, make that noise again!"

Emperor waved lil' homie in front of his face. "I'm finna smack you upside the head if ya' don't shape up, lil' man."

"Didn't I tell you when you left?" the Old Man asked, pulling Luke from his reverie.

He was fairly sure that he would have remembered something like that. "Not at all!"

"Huh," Septimus hummed, unconcernedly, and moved on. "'Kay, whatever, the—."

"Aren't you going to explain?!" Luke cried, interrupting him. He very much wanted to know how and why he had a penguin for a godfather, but Septimus brushed it aside.

"Too old, can't hear. You got a partner, right? The old bag told me all about it, so there's no use in lying. Let me speak to them." Realizing that he wouldn't be getting his way, Luke reluctantly handed his phone to Grani, who accepted it with a smile.

"Hello! My name is Grani—Luke's partner and I guess I'm also his roommate?"

"I'm sorry," Septimus's tone was somber and dramatic, as if Grani had instead announced her own demise. Luke rolled his eyes.

An awkward smile crept across Grani's face. She shook her head. "No, it's fine, really. He's just…"

She paused, carefully considering her choice of words. "Unique."

"Hmm… you lucked out, kid. I think you caught yourself a good one."

"I don't know about that," Luke grumbled to himself. He couldn't so much as breathe in Grani's presence without her harping on about him doing something wrong. She was always there, it seemed, lurking just over his shoulder, ready to pounce on his slightest misstep.

"I'm sorry, am I missing something?" Liskarm asked, clearly having caught what should've been kept under his breath.

"Nothing!" Luke shouted, snatching his phone back. While he didn't care if people learned about his efficient approach to laundry, he definitely didn't want people finding out that Grani had essentially mothered him while packing. He figured his reputation had already suffered enough over the course of the conversation, without that little detail making it into the mix.

"So… how are things on your end?" Luke chuckled nervously as Liskarm's eyes narrowed with suspicion.

"Oh! Pretty good. Received news that a certain someone cried while receiving an injection." Luke cringed at the thought, and at the fact that Septimus somehow knew about it. "Besides that, nothing much. I just expect a call after your mission, capiche?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know." He wasn't that irresponsible, he thought for a moment, then recalled how he'd landed himself in this mess in the first place. Perhaps he was that irresponsible.

Septimus continued. "Take me off speaker phone."

Luke didn't need to be told twice. He'd choked down enough embarrassment already. "What's up?" he asked.

The old man took a deep breath. "Luke, pay very close attention to what I'm about to tell you."

Luke's throat suddenly felt dry. A serious Septimus was never a good sign. He swallowed thickly. "Alright."

"I know you're excited to leave, but I want you to remember: there's more to Terra than Higashi. Once you cross that border and leave her safety, you'll be all on your own."

Luke chuckled awkwardly. He wasn't used to hearing Septimus speak so seriously, and he'd expected much worse. "Aw, come on, gramps. I—"

"This isn't a game, Lucius." He heard uncertainty in his adopted father's voice. He slouched back in his seat, beginning to grasp the very real prospect of danger. "You can't quit and reload a save file if something goes wrong. You have one chance, and one chance only.

"I've shielded you from the nastier parts of Terra for six years. Now that you've left home to explore the world, you'll start to see how horrific it can really be. You'll see things you don't like, things that aren't fair, things you won't even understand.. But no matter what, you must tread carefully. Stepping on the wrong toes is a death sentence out there."

"Can't I just call you?"

"No. Telephones are still a new invention, so an international network doesn't exist yet. Thankfully, Higashi and Yan share a network. As long as you're within its borders, you'll be fine, but once you leave, I'll have no way of contacting you aside from messengers." No wonder Septimus was so upset Luke had forgotten to call—it was his last chance to do so. "Stay on your toes. You may see or feel things that defy common sense, but don't panic. Things aren't always as they seem."

That struck Luke as particularly cryptic. It felt like the old man was hiding something. "Gramps, what're you talking about? You're freaking me out."

"Just do what I say and don't go around sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. The less you're noticed, the better. And lastly: whatever you do, do not go to Iberia. In fact, stay as far as you can from anywhere and anything even remotely associated with Iberia."

"Why? What's wrong with Iberia?"

"The less you know, the better. I've done my best to protect you, but even I can only do so much now that you're out in the world. And I want you to listen to every word Big E says. If he tells you to jump, you better jump, got it?"

Luke nodded to himself. "Got it…"

"Alright." In an instant, Septimus was back to his usual laid-back self, as though the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders. "Now have fun traveling the world and killing foreigners, but don't piss your pants!"

"I don't—"

The phone beeped. "Shit." He hung up.

"What'd he say?" Grani asked, tugging on his sleeve.

Liskarm crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. "The fact that he asked to be taken off speaker phone suggests that he wanted it to be kept between Luke and himself, Grani."

Grani flinched. "Sorry, I didn't mean to pry."

Luke waved away her concerns. "Don't worry about it. Just some family stuff…" He leaned back with an exhausted sign and let his seatbelt cradle his head. He gazed out the window, watching the desert fly by.

One rock, two rocks, three rocks…

Luke couldn't wait until they arrived in Lungmen. He longed to see something other than an endless ocean of sand, dirt, and rock. Infrequent, towering spires of originium provided some contrast, but not much. However, they did make him wonder how they managed to get all the way out here, in the middle of nowhere.

Suddenly, Franka giggled mischievously. "So, what was that about wet dreams?"

Luke screwed his eyes shut with a groan. Of course, she couldn't just let one go. Just his luck. "That rat-assed bastard… Don't listen to a single word he says. It's all bullshit!"

Grani pinched his arm, and he flinched. "Language!" she shouted, though she appeared more amused than upset.

Exusiai leaned over, looking back at him from the front seat with a smug grin. "Were you coveting thy neighbor's wife, Luke? Maybe that's why you're fallen."

Grani and Franka exhaled sharply in amusement. Liskarm shook her head, hiding her face from view.

Luke wasn't fooled. He couldn't see her face, sure, but her shaking shoulders told him everything he needed to know. Luke flushed up a storm. "As if!" he spat. "I lived in a temple, Exusiai. My closest neighbors were flying squirrel-batteries, foxes, and goats!"

Exusiai wiggled a crimson eyebrow.

Bile crept up Luke's throat. "What?! No! Absolutely not!" He shuddered at the decidedly repulsive thought of such a thing.

Exusiai pressed the assault. "Well, if not the animals, then what about the other people living there…?"

"They're all dudes!"

Texas glanced up through the rear view mirror. "I mean, sodomy's supposed to be a sin as well, is it not?" she offered, with the barest hint of a grin.

Luke gaped. Even Texas was getting in on it. Even Texas, who he'd never seen smile, or laugh, who seldom said anything at all, couldn't resist jumping on the dogpile.

Grani slapped him on the back, hiccuping as she laughed."It's—hic—like this with you everyday! I'm going to—hic—die at this rate!" she cried, clutching her stomach.

"It's not my fault!"

"Oh my," Franka gasped in faux surprise, "perhaps we should add attempted murder to the list of reasons."

A single titter slipped past Liskarm's defenses. Sensing an opportunity, Franka leaned towards her partner with a devious grin. "What was that you hated… Slothfulness?" she whispered loudly.

That did it. Liskarm's chest heaved as she burst out laughing, no longer able to maintain anything resembling composure. She leaned back, chuckling and smiling like she had not a care in the world.

If only she didn't hate me, Luke thought to himself with a shake of his head.

Grani threw her back against his body. "I—I can't. Oh my god, I think I'm going to—" The Kuranta retched suddenly, startling him.

That's not good.

"Ohhhh Okay, guys. I think that's enough joking around," Luke said. "Grani's actually dying."

She pulled away, placing a hand on his shoulder to support herself. "I'm fine." The following hiccup did nothing to reassure him.

Exusiai shrugged. "I think it's okay. If she dies, we'll send her remains to a Victorian glue factory."

Grani choked out a series of rasping coughs, no longer able to laugh properly. "I hate," she wheezed, "you all."

Luke rubbed her back. "Take it easy," he said, secretly thankful something had brought his torture to an end. "Has anyone got some water?"

Texas and Exusiai shared a look. The Siracusan shook her head. Chuckling, Exusiai looked back at them, scratching her temple sheepishly. "Aha… I knew we forgot something."

Luke sighed as he continued to rub Grani's back. This is going to be a long drive…

To his pleasant surprise, Texas made short work of the remaining distance. Before he knew it, she was already approaching one of Lungmen's several gates. Luke supposed it made sense, considering Rhodes Island had been traveling towards Lungmen for the better part of a week. The landship must've traveled farther than he thought.

Thank heavens for that, Luke thought to himself, eager to put the wastelands behind him. There was nothing worse than sand, dust, and Originium spires.

"Welcome to Lungmen," Texas muttered sarcastically as they pulled up to a checkpoint.

Curious, Luke looked outside, and noticed a few officers milling about the large station. Most of them were checking the cargo of stopped vehicles; the remaining few were sitting around drinking and chatting.

He watched with bated breath as Texas rolled down her window. "Morning, officer."

"You again?" the officer asked. "I certainly hope you aren't transporting contraband." The officer's voice was distinctly feminine, but had a certain subtle strength that commanded respect.

Texas's response was curt and reserved. "Even if we were, we wouldn't know. You know we don't pry into our clients' business."

The officer grunted disapprovingly. "So you always claim."

Luke craned his neck around the seat in front of him, hoping to get a better view of the commotion. He choked.

The officer's paradoxical beauty was mesmerizing. Her expression was firm and unforgiving as carved stone, but her features were smooth like porcelain, glimmering in the morning sun.

Her striking blue hair shined with a silken luster. She had the kind of simple radiance that felt intoxicating: like a cold pillow with a fresh cover. Her long locks were gathered in a pair of low-hanging pigtails. They felt odd, almost childish, completely mismatched with her severe demeanor. Thankfully, she was too busy writing on a data pad to notice him ogling her.

As though reading Luke's mind, she looked up suddenly. Her shocking orange eyes briefly met his own. He hunched over in a panic, trying to hide behind Liskarm's seat, but he was too large for that to even partially work. He felt his heart skip a beat. The jig was up.

The officer frowned and pointed towards him with her stylus, no doubt suspicious of his bizarre little performance. "Who's that?" she demanded.

"No one. Don't worry about him," Texas replied, snidely.

At that moment, Luke wanted nothing more than to wrap his hands around Texas's neck and throttle her. She could hardly have made him look more suspicious if she tried. Hell, maybe she was trying. He wouldn't be surprised if the officer denied them entry into the city.

The young officer's expression deepened from frown to outright scowl, clearly dissatisfied with Texas's snarky attitude. Luke wrung his hands, palms sweating, heart racing.

"Tell him to get out."

Dammit, Texas…