Chapter 2 – Days 98-109

For days, Riza was even more quiet than usual at work. With how much they had going on, it was hardly noticeable. Whenever Roy had to go somewhere, she chained herself to her desk as much as possible. She punished herself with the most annoying, most labour-intensive tasks. Her fingers were covered in plasters because of how furiously she typed, getting stuck between and scraping up the key levers of the typewriter.

"Monthly evaluation," she excused when someone asked after some time. Roy's gaze always lingered, and he always persisted when the others weren't around. She tried her hardest to keep those instances to a minimum.

When the monthly evaluation had come and passed – and they had passed with flying colours – Riza pretended that it had become a habit for her; that they should simply be glad she was overtaking everything. They were grateful for sure, but by then, everyone had picked up on her reserved attitude towards Roy.

"Reminds me of that time I had a date and for some inexplicit reason, more and more paperwork landed on my desk. As if someone didn't want me to go…" Roy put on his most charming grin. It had been in reply to Havoc, but Riza knew it was meant for her. "A rare occurrence – just like shedding tears in a certain underground chamber." He ignored the men's quizzical frowns. His smile was impregnable. A perfect point of attack. An invitation for a tease – the paperwork, the water. She had already taunted him back then about the same comment.

This time, Riza said nothing.

She could see Roy's shoulders sink from the corner of her eye. It took every ounce of strength from her not to shut her eyes and give away that she had been listening. That she couldn't bear ignoring him for so long. Like a mantra, she would inwardly repeat to herself why she was doing it and that it was for the best. She was doing it for him.

In the evening, Riza spooked when there was a knock on her apartment door. Hayate barked merely once. He knew whomever was there. Reluctantly, not before checking her face and eyes, Riza went to answer.

"Good evenin', milady." Roy coolly leant against the doorframe with one arm, legs crossed at the ankles. He was wearing his good shoes. "I just happened to be in the neighbourhood," he continued when she didn't move aside. They never let the other wait for long; they had to keep their visits undercover. Mostly, they used the keys they had to each other's apartment and let themselves in. Roy by far more often than Riza.

She crossed her arms, not knowing what else to do.

He must have known that something was up, at least that it had to do with him. He had asked her, confused when she had repeatedly blocked it off as 'nothing'. Riza always spoke her mind, especially if he did something that bothered her.

"These are for you," he held out a lush bouquet of red roses, "and this too." In his other arm, he rucked up a paper bag with ingredients. She could see the bacon strips and dates poke out. "I know it's your favourite." He wiggled his brows winningly.

"No, it's your favourite," Riza dryly corrected. "Goodnight, General." She shut the door in his face. Her hand remained on the knob. She felt sick. Even after all the nausea she had been blaming on their travels and the resurfacing Ishval trauma, this felt worse. She could see the shadow of his feet beneath the door, how he lingered and waited, dumbstruck. Hurt.

Riza cried herself to sleep that night. Well past midnight, she got up to walk Hayate. Clandestinely, also to make sure that Roy had really left. She could have sworn that he had stood in front of her door for a full ten minutes.

One weekend and a dragging Monday morning later, he finally lost his patience with her attempts to distance herself. Riza had eaten lunch at the canteen as always – someplace public where they wouldn't be alone – coming back to find the office deserted. She jumped when the door fell shut behind her. Spinning around, hand on the gun in her belt, she stared at Roy. He wordlessly locked the door. The key disappeared in his pocket.

"You're eluding me." He sounded angry. Riza recoiled when he crossed over.

"I never missed a single day of work," she retorted. It didn't come out as confidently as she had hoped, the edge in her voice making it seem as if she snapped at him. So be it, Riza tried to convince herself. If he was angry, perhaps it was for the better. Perhaps this way, she would be able to steel herself against his reproaches.

"What's going on, Captain?" he asked. She swallowed. His anger was hollow, concerned.

"Nothing," she lied.

"Then what is this?" Roy swiped out a sheet of paper. Riza paled. It was the dismissal that she hadn't yet had the courage to file in.

"You went through my stuff," she accused instead of answering. Affronted was good. Upset was good. At least it felt right with how indecisive and nervous and helpless she had been feeling twenty-four hours a day, every day since her discovery. He didn't deserve the harshness of her tone, but she deserved to use it. She was a wreck, both mentally as well as physically thanks to sleepless nights and the abating morning sickness.
Abating… It was all going so fast. She should have handed in the dismissal before the weekend. She should have quit immediately, but she just couldn't. She couldn't leave him without a word.

Roy's frown intensified into a dangerously troubled territory. It made her queasy in a different way. "Are you being serious?" He rustled with the dismissal.

She snatched it out of his hand. "Yes." Riza's throat clogged until she thought she wouldn't be able to speak anymore. Her cheeks were aflame, lungs too. Yet somehow, with how furious she was with herself, she managed talk without cracking – though not without a small tremble in her voice. "Let me go."

Roy's eyes widened. "Captain," he stuttered slightly.

"You're blocking my—"

"Something is wrong." He grabbed her arm, trapping her between the wall and himself. The dismissal slid out of her hand. "Tell me," he implored, "please." Riza hesitated. She opened her mouth again but he could see the protests coming. "I'm worried about you, Captain. Is it me?" He made her flinch. "Did I do something wrong?" She turned her head away. "Answer me." He was starting to sound desperate. Then with a growl, he added, "That's an order from your commanding officer."

She raised her chin. Her eyes itched painfully but she refused to cry. He noticed, alarmed. "Fine," Riza whispered. "Yes, it's you. I'm leaving because of you." Her voice returned, quaking but determined. "I can no longer be around someone who betrayed me so deeply, broke my trust to murder hundreds of innocent people and consequently forced me into being a murderer too." She took a deep inhale.
Roy was stunned speechless. And she knew she had just broken his heart clean in two, no, shattered it into a million pieces. For a second, she feared he was going to collapse.

Riza herself felt close to fainting. Her head buzzed, heart thumping wildly with shame. To her, it was the only proof that she still had a heart.

In his stupor, Roy didn't resist when she raked herself free, neither when she snatched the key out of his pocket. She left it in the door. She didn't even grab her coat, she just ran. The secretaries at the entrance called something after her, but Riza didn't care. Not about them, not about other soldiers watching, not even if someone from the unit would see. She couldn't stand herself around him for a second longer; she had to flee.

When at last stumbling up the stairs to her apartment, Riza's lungs were too much on fire for her to take another step. She clutched the handrail, wheezing, choking. She tripped and fell halfway down the hall, dragging herself up only to sag onto the floor in her flat again. Hayate was by her side, whimpering, nudging her. All Riza could do for a few minutes was hold her throat and gasp for breath.

Not in her most atrocious nightmares would she have thought to hear herself speak those words. She had spent years with painstakingly erasing, at least mellowing his guilt about his use of the Flame Alchemy on her back. He had never forgiven himself, and yet, he could look at her, all of her, and feel loved instead of despised.

Now she had thrown all that right out the window. Left him standing there, devastated to the bone marrow.

Riza's eyes spilt over with tears before she had properly caught her breath. Hayate now urgently climbed into her lap, licking her cheeks. She let him into bed too, bundling herself up under the sheets to stifle her sobs.

That night, no one called and no one rang the doorbell. A few good hours after her outburst, but not yet too near the end of office hours when someone could be about, she had let Hayate out. Past midnight now, she put on his collar for a proper walk.

"Sorry," she whispered, stroking his head. He waited patiently until she had put on her boots. When she opened the door however, he tore on his leash, excitedly digging his nose into her bag. Riza frowned.

In front of her door was her bag from work. Her coat was folded over it – all of which she hadn't had the capacity to remember and take with her. She took it inside, opening it quickly before she would forget the apple she packed, not needing it to rot inside the bag.

It rolled out of her hand when she found an unknown folder. Inside, there was a long leave of absence, already approved and stamped. Behind it, the unfiled dismissal. Not approved and not stamped. Tears shot into her eyes again, but Riza rubbed her face to keep from crying. How she loved that man.

"Come on," she softly told Hayate.