Wow, this chapter was long! I tried to cut it, but still the longest. I hope you enjoy it.
I need to move on, I think you do too
You were all that I wanted
You know that you still are
'Cause I've been alright, yeah, but you showed me better
I know that we're changing
But nothing feels different
I'm breaking the silence to say
If in ten years time
I'm still on your mind
Would you call and
Say you want this?
No matter where we are
You still have my heart
'Cause I locked it
And I promise
You're the locksmith
We said forever and said it too soon (said it too soon)
At least now I know, nobody feels like you do (nobody feels like you do)
Locksmith by Sadie Jean
Chapter 13- Chase you
"It's PTSD. I've seen it around my guys back in my day," Charles says to you. You're both standing outside the prison, watching Rick across the yard. From afar, he looks functioning. He gets up, walks the premises, handles his daily tasks, but he's disconnected from reality. It's all muscle memory.
"We're taught this extensively in school, he's a textbook example. I've also dealt with few patients with PTSD during my medical career." During your time in Iraq, you were surrounded by soldiers and civilians who were severely affected by the war, however, not everyone showed the same indications.
Rick's case is obvious though, he hasn't been the same since he buried Lori. He shows all signs of severe symptoms... Trouble sleeping, trouble eating, avoiding places or people, visions, aggressive behavior… the list goes on.
"Can't blame him. Some fucked up shit is goin on here." He shakes his head, voice dropping low, "apparently that baby isn't his."
"What?" you gasp. If that's the case, then it makes a lot of sense why Rick wasn't the attentive husband, as far as you've seen. The tension between Lori and Rick, you felt it that day when you started talking about the virus and the joy of babies.
"Yeah, it's his best friend's, his partner, the deputy. She had them going against each other, and his partner tried to kill him at the end, so Rick had to," Charles makes a gun motion with his finger, clicking his tongue.
"He told you that?" you question, he hums shaking his head yes. You can't imagine what it must be like for him, the betrayal and lose the people he loves over it.
The death of his wife has been the final spark for him to lose all sense of reality. A shell of the man he was just a few days ago. He is neither here nor there, wondering around the premises talking to his shadow. You can see it, the way how glossy his eyes get, how Judith's cry triggers him.
"What you said before… about us leaving after the baby is born," Charles breaches the topic, "maybe it's time."
"Charles…" you let out a sigh. It's been exhausting few days. You can tell Charles has no interest in filling Rick's shoes, but your team has stepped in to assist where you all could. The group is aware of Rick's condition even though no one voice their thoughts. But as Rick withdraws to himself, they're all turning to Charles.
"I have to say it. If you agree, we can leave today. Being here, with Rick leading this group, like that," he waves his hand in the general direction of Rick, "It's dangerous. It's going to get us killed." He says, his voice tense with frustration, as he pinches the bridge of his nose.
"But you can help, take over for him, help him until he gets better." You turn to him, your eyes pleading.
"No, you're my only duty. You always think I have this leadership skill, but I don't. I looked after soldiers, not families, soldiers who signed up to serve, to die. I can't be accountable; I don't want that responsibility. That's not why we came here." You know deep down this isn't just about Rick and his group. You know this has something to do with his own failed family, and his messy divorce to his ex-wife. The failure he feels for not being there for his kids. "I'm only here for you."
"I know, I know," You breathe, your hand reaching out for his. "But we can't leave them like this… they need us."
"Are you sure this is not about what you need? If Daryl wasn't here, would you say that, risk your life for them?" You stagger back in surprise, hand dropping from his, taken back by his word. You can tell he immediately regrets it; he presses his eyes closed, letting out a sigh.
"Sorry, that's… that's not fair." He says, taking a step back. "Don't mind me… I'm just gonna," He runs his fingers through his hair, before turning and walking away. You can't help but let his words hit you. is it true, would you still be here if Daryl was not? Sure, you have sworn a doctor's oath, 'pledged to the best of your ability to serve humanity,' that's what you have said. But that was before the end of the world.
And deep down, you know you are your father's daughter.
You let out a deep sigh, swallowing the truth that resonated from Charles's words. You doubt Daryl even cares if you leave. You are constantly chasing after him with your eyes, and he hasn't glanced toward you once. It feels like days since you last spoke to him. It's like he has convinced himself, you don't exist, you're just a shadowy figure that hunts him.
You want to reach out to him, tell him everything you know, explain your side, show him how much you miss him, but how could you, when he leaves the moment, you step into a room. He doesn't want anything to do with you.
Like Charles, you push your loose hair back in weariness, before returning to your task, get the rainwater boiled for the baby to drink.
It was a domino effect.
The moment the lady with a sword showed up holding the baby formula, you knew things have gone terribly wrong.
She called herself Michonne.
She showed up covered in Walker's blood and gut, camouflaging herself among the dead.
In theory, you could see how she may have thought disguising herself as she did, but this was something you didn't think it was feasible.
Your mind works overtime, wondering which sense of the Walkers are still active. Their brain should also be decomposing, in fact, since human brain is mostly water, it decomposes quicker than other body tissues. Yet somehow, the virus must be keeping some parts of it active, that's the only way this could make sense. The virus has to be operating that part of the brain, and if so, is there a trace of who we were lingering as well, or is it like a puppet show.
This woman had used the oldest trick in the book, some things animals do in the wild, trick the predator, blend in with the surroundings. God, how you wish you were in a lab, so you could monitor the brain synapses of these Walkers firing with each sense.
The woman, Michonne, the way she holds herself, you know she is a fierce one. She is hurt, shot in the leg, and when you get close to patch her wound, she eyes you with the same intensity, as if she senses something in you as well.
You silently watch, sitting on the steps leading to the second level of the living quarter. The men gathered, surrounding her. You hold back your smirk; she is not intimidated. Rick, even through his tragedy, he plays the cop card, interrogating hers. Daryl breathes on her neck, threat on his lips. She reveals what happened to Glenn and Maggie, about a man who called himself The Governor and a place called Woodbury.
The men assemble around a map, trying to establish a plan of attack. Based on what Michonne said, Woodbury was a heavily guarded place. Charles being the one with the most experience doing recon mission, has taken up on the mantle of leadership for this quest.
"I don't know watcha waitin for, we just go take their ass and get our people back." Daryl huff, pacing around the table. You can see how tightly his body is knotted.
"Patient Daryl" Charles chimes at him, like he's disciplining a child. You are unsure why the friction is building between these two men. Perhaps because they both are playing the same hierarchy among the group, but it's like watching a kettle boil. The moment they are in the same room, you can see them shooting glares at each other.
"We're going to need all able-bodied for this," Rick says to Charles, humming as he taps the map with the pen he's holding.
Charles looked back at you, and you let out a sigh, getting up from your seat. You know what he is asking before he even opens his mouth. Back in Fort Benning military base, during the early days of the outbreak, you and Charles faced off in many intense chess matches. In those days, besides reviewing some documents, you had nothing to do, but wait for your clearance to come through. After you wiped the floor with him countless times, he had called you the reigning queen. Ever since then, Charles trusts your opinion, saying you can see five moves ahead.
Rick looks between the two of you, trying to read the silent communication.
"What do you think," Charles asks. You are not a battle expert, but you share you're input anyways.
"Hmm, I understand why Rick wants all able-bodied for this, but by all able-bodied, he means the men." You look among the group, analyzing the map for all the possibilities and the risks. "If it was up to me, I wouldn't leave homebase unprotected. If something happens to you, then you leave us all vulnerable. Or if you get caught, then you need reinforcement." The soldier nods his head at you in agreement.
"She is right, we should take small team, a quick in and out." There is also strength in having a small efficient team.
Just like that the plan was concluded. Small team of Charles, Rick, Daryl, Oscar, and Michonne to head for the rescue. If they don't return within 24 hours, Jamie, Axel, yourself, and Carol will follow for backup.
You stand there tapping your feet, watching them gear up, with each second anxiety grips you harder. In the corner, Rick whispers to carl, probably reassuring him for what's to come.
Charles walks back into the prison, after inspecting their choice of vehicle for the mission. "Let's move out, Soldiers," he commands, voice booming.
As Daryl moves past you, unseen to his eyes, your body jerks, your hand grabbing onto his vest, the wings on his back. He stops dead in his track. The men quietly walk past him, leaving just the two of you. He doesn't turn to acknowledge you, but you reach out anyways.
"Listen, I'm sorry about… you know," for kissing you, for accusing you, for putting my hands on you, for not trying harder for you… to many to count. "I just don't want you going out there upset with me. There are so many things I wish to tell you, so please come back safe." He doesn't reply, just stands there taking in your words. When you release him, he hovers only for a moment, before walking out.
You let out a groan, running your fingers through your hair, wondering what it is about Daryl that always makes you feel desperate. When you turn to walk away, you're met with Carol. She had been standing by the entrance of her prison cell, watching your interaction with Daryl.
"If I may," she walks hesitantly, "please don't take this the wrong way." Her voice is delicate.
"What is it?" you question, nodding for her to continue.
"I don't mean to intrude but," she falters, as if fighting some internal battle whether to say or not. "We need him, and he is pushing himself away from everyone." You know she is talking about Daryl. She reaches for both of your hands, holding it kindly. "What he wants is a closure. Please give that to him, so he can start to heal. So, you can both move to a better place." She sounds hopeful.
Your stomach drops by her words, the floor yanked under your feet.
"Ah, He… he said that?" Your voice cracks, and you try your best to hold it together.
"Not in those words exactly," she gives you a sad smile, "He said it in Daryl's way." Your throat bobs as you swallow the tears. So, he did let you go, burned that bridge a long time ago. Deep down you knew though. It always been you that loved him fiercely, you, that chased him constantly. Here you are hovering, scratching at his old wound. As you shrink into yourself, she holds you tighter, bringing you into a tight hug.
"Please, please do that for him," she whispers, and a whimper leaves your lips.
"Yeah… ok." Your voice breaks, as well as your heart. Somehow you hold everything together, as if duct taped and glued.
Of course, you can do that for him. There isn't much you won't do for him.
You sit on the observation deck of the west gate guard tower, AR15 leaned against the wall next to you. Why is your heartbreaking again? You've done all this almost 15 years ago, so why does grief come to you in waves? Why the shard in your guts never leave? Though perhaps in time, the edges will dull again, if you survive this world long enough.
You smile, as the memory of your younger self comforts you, Daryl's voice echoing in your head, goofy, he would say. Goofy for crying again. You really were so silly around him back then, only with him you were that free. You would fight about the dumbest things, and you would chase after him when he huffs at you in anger, so easily ignited.
Perhaps a closure is what you both need. You have been holding on to that boy for years, placing him on a pedestal no one could compare. Not even Frank. The world is dying around you, maybe you should let him die too, let him be free of you.
"Hey," you look up to Jamie's bright smile, breaking yourself from the dispiriting thoughts. "They got you on guard duty?" He sits on the floor of the deck, his long legs stretching.
"I volunteered, I wanted some fresh air." He hums in agreement. It's quiet, sunset just peaking across the horizontal. From this high up, all you can see is the forest and the creek that ran beyond the gate. "It's beautiful, isn't it?" you speak your thoughts.
"Yeah, but I would trade this shit for my Xbox any day. God, how I miss it!" He wails gritting his teeth in a theatrical despair, causing you to giggle. "What do you miss?" he asks after a moment.
"Hmm, probably coffee and chocolate," at your reply, he rolls his eyes at you with a smile on his face.
"Oh, don't I know it!" He changes the pitch in his voice, as if to mimic yours, "Jamie, could you please get my coffee," he flitters his eyelashes at you, imitating what supposed to be some sort of feminine way.
"I asked you that, one time!" You reach over to smack him, both your laughter resonating across the field.
"I'm sorry."
Carol just stares at Rick, frozen on the spot, dumfounded.
She was on guard duty when she saw the group's blue Nissan drive up the gate. Carl had let some strangers into their living quarters of the prison. The leader of this small group, a man name Tyreese and his sister Sasha, were pleading to stay. Carol doesn't know what Rick might do, but the doctor was willing to patch them up, while they wait for the rest to return.
Now, what she's afraid of had finally come to pass. Rick is standing here apologizing to her.
Daryl left.
He chose his brother over them, that's what Rick had said to her. She knew he's been distancing himself, now he has a reason to leave. She squeezed her fist, the feeling of helplessness she knew so well, washing over her.
As Rick and her walked toward the Prison entrance, she can see Hershel embracing Glenn and Maggie. Though she is devastated at the loss of Daryl, she is glad at least they were back in one piece.
Just then, Alice walks out of the prison, rocking baby Judith in her arms, the young soldier behind her. Carol hesitates at the sight of her. She doesn't know how the doctor will react; she can't imagine. Charles steps forward and gives Alice a hug, and they exchange a few words as she checks him with her eyes, to make sure he isn't hurt.
Once she is sure he's fine, she steps aside with a smile on her face, eyes searching the car as the group exits the vehicle one by one. Carol feels her heart drop to her stomach, because she knows exactly who the doctor is looking for.
When the last person leaves the vehicle, the lady with the sword slams the door shut behind her. The doctor's face turns white when she realizes no one else is left in the car. Carol can feel the anxiety and panic exude from her. "Charles…" Alice whispers, her body shaking like she has a hyperthermia, afraid what the soldier might say. Charles doesn't reply, he only looks up at Rick.
Standing next to her, Rick looks nervous.
"Rick!" Alice cries, and by some miracle shoves the baby to Beth's arms! "Rick! Where is Daryl!" Rick finally moves to catch the Doctor as she stumbles into his arm, trembling like a leaf. Her hands grip his shirt, grounding herself.
"He's alive! He's ok!" He tells her, his arms around her shoulder, holding her in place. "He's fine. We just had a problem... that's all." Carol can see the reluctance, unsure how to break it to her. Rick is not stupid. He might not know all the details, but he's aware of the history between the hunter and the doctor. "His brother was there." He finally states.
"Merle?" She questions, and Rick looks surprised by the familiar way she says the older Dixon's name.
"Yes…you know Merle?" Alice nods as a respond. "Well… we couldn't bring Merle… I'm sorry." Carol rolls her eyes at the vague answer, wondering why he is tiptoeing around the doctor. Alice looks confused, and she steps back to have a better look at Rick, but he avoids her eyes.
"I… I don't understand." She murmurs, but he looks toward Glenn and Charles. "What are you trying to tell me Rick." Carol sees the men just exchange a look, but the doctor doesn't wait though, she spins toward the soldier, Charles. Always Charles.
"Rick does not want this Merle guy here. So, Daryl gave him an ultimatum… Merle comes, or they both leave." The always straight shooter Charles states with no hesitation, with absolute blunt attitude. This honesty is something Carol is starting to appreciate about the man.
As if she has been physically struck, the doctor stumbles back from Rick, her hand gripping her stomach, as if she is going to vomit. Everyone is watching, tension heavy as Alice stands there gasping for air like she is breathless with anger, hand fisting and releasing at her side, like she is trying to calm herself.
It's Glenn that moves first, stepping forward to explain, face covered in blood and bruises, but she doesn't give him the chance, raising her hand to stop him mid motion.
"You left him?" She addresses Rick, her voice so calm, yet held the power of a thunder. Carol steps back, her body reacting before her mind.
It's right then, right at this moment, Carol realizes something. The look in the doctor's eyes… perhaps, this whole time, she is only seeing one side of the coin, to the sweet, cheerful woman. There is something beneath the fluff, something dangerous lying underneath.
Rick immediately steps forward to do damage control, one hand moving to her shoulder, the other to her neck and jaw, lifting her head to hold eye contact. "You don't know Merle. The kind of man he is. He's been working for this governor guy this whole time. He's the one who took Maggie and Glenn. What am I supposed to do, just accept that?" Carol can tell he's trying his best to justify his reason. "I couldn't bring him here. I have my kids, a baby to think about. I can't have him here, around Beth, Maggie, Carol, you… I can't, I can't afford too. I can't sleep knowing he's right here, next to us."
When the doctor closes her eyes, and the tears starts to rain down her cheeks, Carol let out a sigh. Perhaps Rick is able to convey his case, she thought.
Oh, but she is proven wrong again when it comes to the doctor. Carol lets out a yelp, jumping back in surprise. Her cry echoed by the group, as they step back in shock as well.
It's so quick, how it happens. The doctor lunges forward, yanking Rick by his tan shirt, slamming her head to his face. He cusses, releasing her body, stumbling back, hand to his nose, blood running down his lips and chin.
In a very Daryl Dixon manner, conceivably some residue of influence left from the past, the doctor spits at Rick's feet, wiping her eyes.
"GOD Daaamn!" Jamie lets out, fist to his lips, head lean back in disbelief. Everyone is too stun to see the humor in Jamie's eyes.
"It's always the people he loves that betrays him." Alice breathes hard, chest moving up and down with each word. "You left him out there with nothing but the shirt on his back, after everything he has done for you and the group. After everything you've been through together." She wipes the angry tears, voice strained. "Was that all his value? Was that all he meant to you?"
"What was I supposed to do?" Rick cries, hand still cradling his nose, teary eyes looking up at Alice.
"You should have brought him back, talked among your people! Should have given him supplies and a car! It's not like he didn't collect half this shit you have. A fuckin chance to say goodbye." Her voice cracks, frustration audible. She doesn't wait for any additional reply from Rick. "Charles, Jamie!" She turns to her soldiers, "grab what you can, we're leaving in five." She gives the command, marching inside. The young soldier immediately moves, picking up his AR-15 and heading after her.
Next thing Carol knows, everyone is running inside chasing the doctor. Of course, she follows as well, like a fly on the wall, watching everything from the back.
"Dr. Hart, please slow down and think." Charles speaks trailing after her into her cell. She grabs her backpack shoving a few items into it. "Rick made a mistake. You know he's not in the right mindset. It's almost sunset, us heading out right now will not accomplish anything." She doesn't pay him any attention, just walks around him like he's not even there.
When she heads to the infirmary cell, Charles blocks her way, standing in front of the door. She lifts her eyes to his, staring him down. "I'm going with or without you. Under no circumstances am I leaving him out there." Carol can see the soldier's resolution break, as he lets out a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose, finally stepping aside to let her pass.
"Alice!" Rick seems like he finally caught his baring, for he quickly pursuits where Charles left off. "Wait, ok, wait! Don't make a rash decision. Let's talk about this." Again, she disregards him too, throwing whatever she can get her hands on into her medical bag. As she moves around him to leave, Rick blocks her way out.
"Fuck out of the way, Rick. You're wasting time, I have to go find them." Her face held nothing but anger and pain.
"Please just… look, let's just discuss this. I'll come with you; we'll find them together." It seems to finally click for Rick, and he is shaken by the prospect. "This governor guy is coming this way. I need Charles and Jamie. I need you!" Perhaps Rick didn't realize the consequences of his decision. Perhaps he thought he has the soldiers to fight his war. Alice tries to push pass him, but Rick doesn't move, his eyes desperate, his vision blurry with unshed tears.
"Jamie!" she calls and her ever protector, the muscle of her group steps to Rick, breathing down on his neck.
"You heard the lady, Rick. Move or you'll be moved." He said, pressing his hand to Rick's shoulder, gently pushing him a side. Machete attached to her hip, the doctor steps forward, heading for the door, without sparing a single glance to the rest of the group.
Charles stepped forward, pressing his hand to Rick's shoulder kindly. The two men exchange a look, "Charles please, you're leaving women and children to fight this Psycho."
"I'm sorry Rick, it's really not up to me. Besides, you can't say you didn't know from the beginning. You knew she was only here for Daryl; you knew that." He drops his hand from Rick, picking up his AR-15 leaning against the wall. "I'm really sorry Rick, I can't make her stay."
"ALICE!" Like a broken record Rick cries out again, helplessness heavy in his voice. Carol can tell the stress is triggering him, as the silent tears run down his cheeks, eyes franticly searching like he sees ghost all around him. "Alice, please. I'll go, and I'll take Charles. We'll go get him back. You stay here." He extends his hands out, as if to reach for her. "Please. You are leaving us to die."
Something in Rick's voice pins the doctor by the door. She looks back, her eyes moving across the group. Carol knows, without them, there isn't really much left to fight. Hershel, Beth, Carl, Maggie, Glenn, and Rick. That is all what's left. And a freaking baby.
"We'll be back," She finally addresses everyone. "I'll find him myself, and we will be back for you." She lets out a sigh, walking back to Rick. She puts her hand to his cheeks, looking into his glossy blue eyes. "I'll be back for you," she tells him, her voice a whisper. "When we do, I hope there is a room for Merle as well." Rick's eyes slide towards Glenn.
"Yeah," he says, nodding. "Yeah, we'll discuss it." Glenn opens his mouth to say something, but shuts it, instead he slammed his fist on the wall before stomping away.
Before the doctor leaves, she turns to Carol, face unreadable. Carol doesn't say anything but gives her a sad smile, nodding her head. Go get him.
Carol stands by the door and watch them leave, and she can't help but feel like crying. Without them, the group is severely vulnerable, they might as well be dead. But part of her is happy for Daryl, for the man who thinks he is undeserving or worthy of love, for the man who works so hard to gain the group's acceptance and affection. She remembers telling him, 'You're every bit as good as them,' When he risked his life for her daughter, Sofia. Now there is someone else out there for him. She shakes her head, the smile growing on her lips, so much for a closure.
She looks up at the sky, and hope one day, someday, someone loves her like that.