"As you are no longer complete novices, I will not tolerate any tomfoolery, shenanigans, or sheer idiocy in this class," Snape drawled as he stalked through the rows of the second year students, glaring at them in flickering torch light.
As he did so, four Gryffindor students very obviously attempted to hide their left hands from his sight.
Snape forced himself not to grind his teeth, and continued his instructions. "As you have learned the bare basics of potion making, it is time to gain a grasp of more advanced techniques. We shall begin the mixture of a strengthening potion, which shall take several days to mature. You will find it on page 7 of More Magical Drafts and Potions. Begin."
As the students began to work, Snape stalked back to his desk. "You four. To my desk. Now."
He didn't even turn around as he stood by the desk, drumming his fingers upon the surface.
"First of all," Megumin began somewhat breathlessly, "What happened with the thestrals was Scumzuma's fault."
Snape half turned to glare down at the girl. As usual, her eyes were glowing softly in the dim light. Why did they do that? What, exactly, had Lily done to herself and her sister? No matter.
"I had not heard about the thestrals. Later, I am certain you will explain to me in more detail."
Megumin winced, while Ron smacked her upside the back of her head. "Don't volunteer information! That's how he gets us!"
Snape forced himself not to grin evilly. Most students would be cowed by such a gesture. Megumin would only be encouraged.
"What I want to know is this," Snape drawled. "What special brand of idiocy motivated you four to take a blood oath last night, and what, exactly, do you four morons intended to do to my house's newest member?"
"Wait, how'd you know we'd made a blood oath?" Ron blurted, then grunted when Megumin elbowed him in the stomach.
"Don't volunteer information," she said in a mocking tone, then stuck her tongue out at the boy.
Snape couldn't help but feel some pity for Ron. Megumin was far too much like her mother for anyone's good.
"Well, you see sir, we ah...swore an Oath to not rest until all the Death Eaters were defeated, as well as Voldemort," Darkness hastily explained.
Snape gave her a thoroughly nonplussed look, which made the girl's knees quiver slightly, but she held her ground.
"You do realise, Miss Longbottom, that I myself was once a Death Eater. Should I take this as a statement of intent to harm a Hogwarts professor?"
"Only if you're still evil," Megumin said, giving Snape a knowing look. "Shall we add you to the list of those who shall suffer from our dark and terrible vengeance in the coming days?"
Snape leaned forward, glowring down at Megumin as he gathered his cloak about himself. "Should I add you to the list of those who I pay special attention to for meddling in the affairs of my house?"
"Hey, you Slytherins started it!" Ron said, pushing Megumin behind himself to glare up at Snape. "It was Kazuma! He-"
"Do you consider your sister to be a moron, Mr. Weasley? A blithering idiot incapable of making her own decisions?"
"Well, no, but-"
"Perhaps she is a doll, to be set upon the shelf and never touched, only admired."
"I didn't say that, I just-"
"Then you must think her a weak willed and gullible idiot who can be snookered by a few honeyed words."
"Look, that's not what I-"
"Your words may say one thing, Mr. Weasley. But your actions stink of hypocrisy. For you, twenty points from Gryffindor for both colossal idiocy and attempting to sabotage a time-honored Hogwarts tradition. Five points from the rest of you for going along with this foolhardy crusade, and what I wager was misuse of Miss Potter's potion knife."
"Wait, how'd you know we used my knife and not Ron's? ARE YOU SPYING ON US? THAT'S ILLEGAL!" Megumin shouted.
"You are simply all too predictable. Now get to work," Snape ordered.
"I am not predictable," Megumin grumbled as the four students slunk back to work.
Snape absently rubbed a faint line on his own palm as he stalked through the tables to make sure this particular batch of idiots didn't kill themselves. He didn't quite regret the Blood Oath he'd made to Lily, but it wasn't hard to guess what her daughter would do in this sort of situation.
At lunch that day, Fred and George went around dressed in spectacles (stolen from Percy) along with a clipboard and a slate with a list of dates on it, along with odds and a variety of strange sentences.
"2-3, fired for incompetence - 31/10, 4/11, 18/12, makes it through the year, still fired."
"2-1, accidentally blows herself up, 4/9, 20/4."
"1-10, eaten by a giant toad, 19/9 22/9, 10/10, 12/12."
"1-4, gets lost, never found again, 15/10, 6/12, 21/3, 4/18."
And others of increasingly bizarre natures, such as spilching, kidnapped by centaurs, and mauled by gnomes.
"What do those mean?" Megumin asked, frowning at them.
"We thought we'd start a betting pool," George explained. "Especially after what happened this morning."
"This year is going to be brilliant. She's the worst one yet!" Fred chuckled.
"What are you talking about?" Hermione demanded. "Isn't gambling illegal?"
"Oi, Weasley, put me down for 'blown up by Potter," a Ravenclaw upperclassman said, coming over and handing them several silver sickles.
"Haven't got that one yet actually," George admitted. "Oi, Fred, what do you-"
"1-20," Fred answered without pausing to think.
"What!? Those are terrible odds!" the Ravenclaw protested.
"Yeah, and that's because everyone knows it's bloody likely to happen. Date?" Fred asked.
The other boy eyed Megumin, rubbing his chin. "Say...second week of December?"
"Right. You get double your bet if you guess the date right, half if it happens after," George said, jotting it down. "Next!"
"Who am I exploding, and how can I rig it so I profit from this?" Megumin asked.
"Well, if you could just hold off until, say, March to blow up Professor Mizu, that would be brilliant. Can't see anyone betting any later than that," Fred told her.
"Megumin will not blow up a Professor! She would never..!" Hermione protested.
The entire Gryffindor table turned to stare at Hermione with incredulous expressions, as Megumin smirked.
"Again. She would never blow up a professor again," Hermione amended.
"Odds do not look good on that one, I'm afraid," George said mournfully. "Anyone want to bet she drowns in the lake?"
"Ooo, I'll take that one!" Oliver Wood said eagerly, and passed over his money.
"This is highly unprofessional," Hermione huffed. "If the professors find out about this-"
"Misters Weasley?" a dreamy voice inquired, and the table immediately hushed as a professor with large spectacles, and a shawl that shimmered with various colors draped about her shoulders.
"Er, yes Professor Trelawney?" Fred said, smiling and hiding his slate behind his back.
"The universe has spoken to me, and I have this to say," Trelawney said. "Put me down for, 'eaten by a giant toad' week after next." Then she handed over a bag of jingling coins, and wandered back to the high table.
"Yes ma'am!" George said enthusiastically, and quickly wrote down her bet.
"...she's obviously an exception, and Divination is a rubbish subject anyway," Hermione muttered.
"What?! Divination is the coolest! Obviously, I am a mad prophet who has visions of the future!" Megumin declared. She stood up and tossed Fred and George a golden Galleon. "BEHOLD! I, MEGUMIN, HAVE FORESEEN THAT AQUA MIZU WILL BE FIRED AS A PROFESSOR...BUT STILL RETURN TO HOGWARTS NEXT YEAR!"
"What, like as a ghost?" Ron asked. "Where are they, anyway? I haven't seen a single ghost except when we were down in the dungeons."
It was true: there were normally ghosts drifting about during the meals, but for the moment the great hall held only the living.
"I don't know, but it does seem very rude to bet against our professor," Darkness said, glancing up to Aqua. The professor in question was having another bottle of alcohol, this one apparently wine that she was sharing with Hagrid and Professor Kettleburn. She seemed totally oblivious to even Megumin's dramatic pronouncement, far more interested in drinking and feeding the yellow fuzz ball that was pecking away at her plate.
"Forget about that, we need to think of a way to get Ginny back!" Ron hissed, jerking his chin over to the Slytherin table.
There, Ginny was sitting with Kazuma, Dust, and Draco, and seemed to be laughing and enjoying herself as Dust acted out Snape's scolding of the Gryffindors. She noticed Ron glaring at her, then held up a knife and her left palm. The three boys solemnly copied her. As one, they suddenly dragged their knives across their palms, red liquid squirting everywhere.
"GINNY, NOOOOO!" Ron wailed, and jumped up to run over to the Slytherin table, Megumin hot on his heels.
"Oh? What's wrong, Ronald?" Ginny asked innocently. She held up an empty packet of ketchup, then dipped a chip in some and stuck it in her mouth. "Think I'm going to choke?"
The three Slytherin boys sniggered at the two Gryffindors. Megumin glared and declared, "You will rue this day, Kazutrash. No one steals little sisters from the Crimson Demon Clan!"
"Sod off," Ginny said, turning her back on the intruders. "I'm having lunch and looking at you ruins the flavor."
Kazuma waggled his eyebrows, which further angered Ron. Before he could do something foolish, a dark shadow loomed over him and Megumin. They glanced up to see Snape there, glowering at them.
"Er, hello, sir. We um, were just…"
"Leaving," Kazuma interjected. He made a sweeping motion with his hands. "Shoo."
Defeated, they slouched back to the Gryffindor table, where Percy greeted them, a sour look on his face.
"You know we're going to be in for it when mum finds out she's in Slytherin," Percy sighed. "But I appreciate you trying to look out for her."
"We'll sort her, and properly this time!" Ron vowed. Then he considered something. "You didn't actually...tell mum, did you?"
Percy gave Ron an exasperated look. "Do I look stupid to you? Heavens no. I fed her some lines about how she's 'settling in nicely' and 'sure to make a lot of friends' and 'all of us here will look out for her.' I even added that Yunyun considers her a friend already."
"But Yunyun considers everyone a friend," Ron pointed out.
"Well, yes, but I couldn't think of anything else to say that wouldn't be an outright lie and I'd promised to write her about Ginny's Sorting straight away," Percy admitted. "Now hurry up and eat."
Lunch was drawing to a close when the entire Gryffindor table suddenly emptied at once, with Fred and George practically sprinting away. Megumin looked up from her sandwich just in time to see Aqua sit down beside her.
"Hey Megumin, I'm super excited for our class together today! So, I was thinking of just doing what I did for the earlier classes, and following this teacher's guide. It says that introduction pieces are good for the first day of school, and you're like, the best at introductions, so I thought you could go first," Aqua said, prattling on as if she were Megumin's friend and not her teacher.
"Ha! I see you are wise indeed, to know that the Crimson Demon Clan is superior to all others at introductions!" Megumin cackled, quickly posing and winking at Aqua.
"Great! Oh, and make sure Kazuma doesn't ruin everything. You know what a killjoy he can be when it comes to my incredible art projects! Just smack him or something if he does anything dumb," Aqua added.
A wicked smile began to spread over Megumin's face, and she eagerly steepled her fingers and began to tap the tips together. "You mean...in your class...I have permission to smack Kazutrash if he displeases me?"
"Yeah unless Darkness or me gets to it first," Aqua said with a shrug. "Speaking of which, I totally want to hear your awesome backstory, Darkness! You're like, one of the Chosen Ones with Megumin so you totally have to."
Darkness, who had been sliding towards the edge of the bench, suddenly stopped and began choking. Hermione pounded on her back, until Darkness could speak. "Ch-chosen one?"
"Yeah, hasn't anyone told you two about the prophecy and stuff yet? You know, the whole reason that big meanie dark lord guy is after Megumin? It totally could have been you, and I told Eris she should tweak it so that you both were," Aqua continued. She suddenly smacked her head. "Oh man, that reminds me! I have to find Ginny and perform an exorcism, then look for that horcrux and purify it!"
There was a sudden tinkling of glass, and the four students and supposed professor turned around to find a shocked Dumbledore there, a shattered cup at his feet.
"What did you just say?" Dumbledore managed in a strained tone. "Professor Aqua. Repeat what you just said."
"Um...I said...I have to perform an exorcism!" Aqua said after far too long of a pause. "Yeah! I'm going to totally break the Curse on the DADA position! Not that a curse could ever effect a super amazing goddess, I mean, arch priest, or...what am I right now? Any way, I'm far too awesome for some stupid curse to ever hurt me! Just ask Darkness! I totally broke that curse Beldia put on her!"
Everyone blinked at Aqua, who suddenly stood. "Come on guys, let's go get ready for class! Oh, I'm so glad we're all in the same class together! I was totally going to come as a student, but then I'd have had to be a kid and I haven't ever done that and Eris said I had to figure it out myself if I wanted to so instead I did this!"
"Um, have a good day sir," Hermione said as hurried after Aqua, leaving the flummoxed Dumbledore standing there gobsmacked. "By the way, Professor Mizu, I think you meant affect, not effect. And what's a horcrux? Professor?"
Aqua seemed to realize she was being spoken two at the second repetition of professor, and blushed. "Um, you're not supposed to learn what that is for like, four more movies. So instead we're going to make posters! I have magazines for us to cut out and paste on posterboard and everything!"
"You what?" Ron said, jerking back.
"Yeah, it's introduction time!" Aqua held up a book entitled, Teaching For Dummies (Primary Edition). "It's totally in the manual and stuff! Everyone thought I wasn't going to be an amazing teacher, but I totally am! I studied and everything!"
"If people didn't think you would be a good teacher, why did the headmaster hire you?" Hermione asked, looking irritated that Aqua hadn't commented on her grammar correction.
"Oh, he's just a mortal, he doesn't count," Aqua said dismissively. Then she smiled at the children. "But you guys are my buddies so you totally count, and you're only like, kinda mortal. Come on!"
With that completely maddeningly cryptic response, Aqua skipped off, humming happily to herself as she did so.
"She's cracked," Ron said, sounding stunned. "Completely cracked."
"Introduction posters!? That's...we're not in Primary School, and we already know one another! This is a waste of our time!" Hermione sputtered.
"Ha! I shall make the best poster, and defeat Kazutrash and his minions!" Megumin declared. "Come, Darkness! As you too are a chosen one of prophecy, I declare you my rival!"
"What prophecy!?" Darkness wailed. "What is she even talking about?!"
"Just ignore her, she's clearly mad," Ron said with a shake of his head.
"She did tell me I could hit Kazuma whenever I wanted," Megumin pointed out. "Darkness too."
"Clearly Professor Mizu is very wise and we should do everything she says!" Ron immediately declared. "Come on, lads, we're going to show those Slytherins what for!"
After a few minutes of following Aqua, it became clear that she had absolutely no idea where she was going, and was instead pausing to chat with various portraits and paintings.
"It's so amazing, usually mortals can't actually create art that has its own soul, but these ones can! I love it!" Aqua said, smiling at a large depiction of a quidditch match in progress.
"Um, professor...do you know where the Defense classroom is?" Darkness asked, sounding a bit worried.
"Huh? Oh yeah, we're supposed to do that." Aqua looked around, frowning. "I forget where it is. I made a ghost show me earlier. Then I sent her to the afterlife. Really, there's way too many spirits around here."
"You did what?" Megumin asked, confused. "How could you-"
"Hey Darkness, show me where the class is again? You always were good with directions and stuff," Aqua ordered.
"Er, OK…" Darkness led the way back towards the Defense classroom, where the rest of the Gryffindor and Slytherin first years were already waiting.
"Hi Kazuma, hi Dust!" Aqua said, waving excitedly and hurting to sit down beside them. "Isn't it totally cool that we're at Hogwarts?"
Kazuma blinked, and shared a look with Dust. "Um, yeah. Really cool, professor."
Aqua tittered. "Oh, so formal! Oh, I know, you should all call me Aqua-Sensei! No more Aqua-chan now, huh Kazuma?!"
"Aqua what? Er, sure, um, Aqua-sensei?" Kazuma said, looking confused. "I'm not sure-OW! Dammit, Potter!"
"She said I could hit you whenever I want," Megumin said smugly, grinning at Kazuma.
Aqua wrinkled her nose. "Yeah, but like, I like it when he calls me Aqua-sensei. Almost as much as Aqua-sama. Oh, oh, you should call me...Aqua-sama-sensei!"
"What...what does that even mean?" Dust asked, looking very confused.
"It's Japanese. Didn't Kazuma teach you any? Sheesh, Kazuma, stop being so lazy!" Aqua huffed.
"What? How the heck should I know Japanese!?" Kazuma demanded.
"Stop lying, you stupid NEET! You're totally from-" Aqua cut herself off. "Oh yeah. I guess you're actually from England now, huh?"
Crickets could be heard as the entire class stared at Aqua in complete confusion.
She seemed not to notice, looking around expectantly. "Wow, the teacher is really late. We can leave if they're more than 15 minutes late, right? That's like, in the rules or something."
"But you're the-" Dust began, but Kazuma put a hand over his mouth.
"Yes, yes we can, Aqua-sensei-sama-shama-lama-ding-dong."
Aqua glared at Kazuma. "Megumin, hit him again."
"OW!"
"Hmph! Trying to trick me." Aqua stalked to the center of the room, as everyone but Kazuma stared at her. Kazuma was too busy trying to strangle Megumin, but she had slipped away.
"Hi everyone!" Aqua suddenly declared, producing two fans and posing on one leg. "It's me! The pop star sensation and leader of the Axis Cult, Aqua Mizu!"
Water spurted from the fans, and Aqua grinned. Everyone applauded politely, and she bowed and flourished her fans. "Alright! Since today is the first day of class, we're all going to get to know one another better! I already know my three bestest buds, but none of the rest of you are members of the Axis Cult! So sad! I just know that you'll join after you see how super amazing my class is! But anyway, today we're going to make introductory posters. Let me show you how!"
Aqua then got out scissors, paste, and a few magazines, to everyone's increasing incredulity.
"She's not serious...right?" Lavender said in a stage whisper to Pavarti.
"Nope, he's next year!" Aqua said brightly. "Who're you again? You all looked different in the movies."
"I...what? I'm...I'm Lavender Brown," the girl in question said, completely baffled.
"Oh! I have something for you!"
Aqua scrambled over to her desk, rummaged around, then came out with a silver pendant, shaped like a water wheel. "Here you go! This is totally a special Axis Cult holy charm, for keeping away werewolves! Make sure you wear it all the time! Any werewolf that gets too close to you or touches you will be harmed, and if they try to bite you the holy energy will cause them to burst into flames and die! Neat, huh? I made it myself!"
"Um...thanks?" Lavender said, sounding rather baffled as she accepted the jewelry.
"Yeah, I normally I try not to mess with fate and stuff cause that's like, not my department, but that was a really stupid way for you to die and it made me cry so I'm totaly going to fix it!'' Aqua said. "Oh, here, let me just glue this on, and...ta-da!"
The entire class let out an involuntary gasp as Aqua presented her exquisite poster. Parvati burst into tears, as did Daphne Greengrass and Draco.
"It's...it's beautiful…" Dean Thomas whispered, silent tears trickling down his cheeks.
"I've never...I've never seen anything…" Draco continued to sob, Dust rubbing his back and looking concerned.
There was, however, one stoic in the group.
"It's just a stupid poster," Kazuma sniffled, wiping a tear form the corner of his eye. "I don't see what's so special about-"
"Megumin!" Aqua ordered
"STOP HITTING ME!" Kazuma yelled, ducking Megumin's blow. "Ugh, can't you just take points like a normal person?"
Aqua paused in her glaring. "Points? Hold on, Megumin. I want to hear about these points."
"House points! You give them to people who do well and take them if we misbehave!?" Kazuma demanded, ducking yet another blow from the overly enthusiastic class helper.
"Oh, yeah! Um...ten points to Ravenclaw! And like, one point from Slytherin." She glowered at Kazuma.
"Why...why did you give points to Ravenclaw?" Draco asked, drying his eyes with a hankie.
"Cause they're blue! And that's my favorite color!" Aqua explained. She frowned at Kazuma. "Ugh, Slytherin is like, super lame, but if you're nice to me since we're buds I"ll give you some points."
"Can I have some points?" Megumin asked eagerly.
"Sure! Two points to Megumin for a good smack!" Aqua agreed happily.
"It's just…so wonderful...I...I never saw anything so incredible in my whole life," Parvati was saying to Lavender as the two girls sniffled together.
"And, um, two points to Gryffindor! For having good taste in art!" Aqua declared.
There were a few blinks. Then, wicked grins sprouted on all of the Slytherins' faces.
Except Dust, who just got started on his poster, oblivious.
"Wow, I love your poster, professor!" Draco called.
"One point to Slytherin!"
"My, your robe is so pretty, Professor Mizu!"
That one, from Blaize Zabini, was ignored, but a comment from Pansy Parkins about how nice "Aqua-sensei's" hair was got five points to Slytherin.
Soon a blistering storm of compliments were being given to Aqua, who stood atop her desk and preened, the student's assignments completely forgotten.
"Um, the period is over," Hermione pointed out much, much later. "Normally I don't mind staying late...but we have herbology this afternoon…"
"Huh? Oh yeah, you guys can go," Aqua said. She beamed at the Slytherins. "Wow, I didn't realize how nice you all were, Slytherin is actually super cool!"
"No, you're the cool one, Aqua-sensei!" Kazuma rejoined.
"FIFTY POINTS TO MY BEST BUDDY!" Aqua declared.
"But...but our homework!" Hermione protested. "We didn't learn anything!"
"Well, did you have fun?" Aqua asked as the other students scrambled for the door, the Slytherins all quietly congratulating Kazuma and slapping him on the back.
"I...I guess?" Hermione admitted, looking down at her poster. It was very neat and tidy, though rather bland in execution.
"Then who cares? That's all that's important! Bye!" Aqua waved, and a very confused Hermione trudged out of the class, looking despondent.
"She didn't even let us show off our talents or do poses," Megumin grumbled.
"She only let you hit Kazuma three times!" Ron complained.
"She didn't tell us about the prophecy!" Darkness wailed.
"She-" Hermione began, but Ron whirled on her.
"If you complain she didn't give us homework, I'm making Megumin kick you out of the club," Ron warned.
Hermione pouted, but fell silent as they went off to their next disaster. I mean class.