At his humble shop in the mountains, the world's greatest expert of weapons spots somebody approaching. The person approaching is in fact a pathetic looking lad by the name of Dervis, coming here on behalf of his nation. He doesn't seem to have much on his person at all, and by the looks of it, hasn't had the most pleasant journey coming up this mountain.
"Does this place provide missiles?" Dervis asks feebly.
"Gonna need to be more specific than that." the expert says, looking at Dervis.
"I just need a yes or a no. I don't need them right away, I just need to know if you provide missiles at all."
"Did you read the sign?"
"I've been going door to door for thirty six years, I forgot how to read ages ago."
"Well, it says that we don't hold items for more than 4 days, and if it's gone, it's gone."
"Alright, well is it a yes or a no to providing missiles?"
"Oh, absolutely."
"Really?" Dervis seems to light up, as though this is the first good news he's received all year. "Is there some kind of catch?"
"They can't be used for terror attacks against this establishment."
"How much do they cost? Are they affordable?"
"Depends on your definition."
"Would the average impoverished nation be able to afford them?"
"How important is having a stable economy compared to having these missiles?"
"Who's saying they aren't related?"
"Fairest enough. If you pay up front right now I can get you a super special discount."
"Well…this is what I have." Dervis reaches into his pocket and procures a measly 15 pesos. "I got mugged like 54 times before I got here."
"Hey, we take those." the expert ducks down behind the counter and comes back up with what appears to be a tiny person, which is known as Critical Afterthought. The expert places down Critical Afterthought on the counter. "Think of this like paying off a loan, but not really, because that's not what it's like."
"All that matters is that I get the missiles." Dervis punches his fist into his palm, determined.
"It's a needlessly complex system, but if you feed it pesos it will provide you with the missiles I've already planted inside of it. Keep doing this until it is fully growing, then it will run back to me and I can give it the final piece of the package to bring to you." The expert explains. Critical Afterthought seems to be asleep at the moment, and Dervis is jotting down everything the expert tells him in a small notepad. "You get all that?"
"Yeah, I think."
"Epic, I'll be here if you have any askings." The expert resumes his work on polishing a very sharp spinal cord. Dervis takes hold of Critical Afterthought, and tries to figure out how to feed the miniscule entity the pesos. Even the smallest scraps of peso that Dervis has are too large to directly fit into Critical Afterthought. Unable to figure out a solution, Dervis decides that he has to return to his nation after these 36 long years, and he hopes that said nation is even still around after all this time, since it was already struggling when he left originally.
Dervis eventually arrives at the impoverished island nation of Cuba, which is essentially a platform floating at sea with a few blue, white, and red patterned flags hung up around the island. This nation is currently stuck in the greatest Missile Crisis of all time, with the crisis in question being a severe lack of missiles. They've been planning a mission to invade the Bay of Pigs, which is what they call the loading bay of a crashed alien spaceship which, for some reason, has been overrun with swine. During their scouting of the Bay of Pigs, the Cubans have found a legendary creature known as the Golden Swine, said to contain within it extraordinary power. However, with their messenger, Dervis, unavailable for the past 36 years, and with their general lack of resources, in large part due to a homeless man named Castro who has been eating the resources in question, they've been unable to go through with the invasion. The island is barely staying afloat in the ocean, but it's still there as Dervis pulls himself ashore. The island rocks and shakes, most of its buoys that were helping it stay afloat having been destroyed by nasty crampitalists over the years. Upon seeing the return of Dervis, the elected official of the nation as well as the only legal resident besides Dervis, Stephanus, rushes over to him, helping him out of the water.
"What is it, boy? You'd better have some good news for us now that you're finally back." Stephanus readies his whip, just in case Dervis doesn't have anything for him. Dervis hands over Critical Afterthought, which at this distance is indistinguishable from a random black pebble or bug. Stephanus scowls and raises his whip, and Dervis frantically waves his arms in front of him.
"No, wait, this is how to get the missiles! Look at this, I took some notes from the guy who gave me it!" Dervis holds up his notepad, which, as a result of Dervis's illiteracy and being completely waterlogged, is completely meaningless. Stephanus brings down the whip, repeatedly smacking Dervis.
"Fool! We need missiles, and we need them NOW! We can't afford to have slackers like you!" Stephanus shouts.
"Just try feeding it pesos! I couldn't figure out how, but that's how it works!" Dervis pleads, and Stephanus grumbles, before heading over to the federal reserve, a small safe, to see how much funding the nation still has at its disposal. Between the money in the safe and the money on Dervis, the total amounts to about 214 pesos.
"I suppose we can spare a bit of cash, but if this doesn't help us get missiles, you're going overboard as ballast." Stephanus threatens. Dervis bows deeply and nods, as Stephanus places the pesos in front of Critical Afterthought. After a few seconds, Critical Afterthought slowly begins walking towards the pesos, though due to its size, it takes quite some time to close the distance. When it reaches the pesos, though, Critical Afterthought picks them up like maryo coins and begins to cough and heave and swell, before painfully regurgitating a missile around the size of a crayon. Stephanus is astonished that this actually worked, and though the result is underwhelming, this is to him a sign that the Missile Crisis may be nearing an end, and he feeds Critical Afterthought a couple more pesos, receiving another rather small missile, though this time it is ever so slightly larger. Getting a bit greedy but deciding that the pros outweigh the cons, Stephanus hands Critical Afterthought a whole twenty pesos, and though it takes much longer to process, this nets him a much more sizable missile, as well as causing Critical Afterthought to grow in size to the point where very tiny facial features can actually be made out with the naked eye.
"Well, Dervis, seems like you might actually be on to something for once. At this rate, the Bay of Pigs invasion might prove to be a viable course of action!" Stephanus heads over to one of the only remaining buildings in Cuba and dusts off the old missile launching system, intending to test the quality of Critical Afterthought's missiles. Stephanus loads up one of the tiny missiles and sets the trajectory for Minneapolis, but the missile fails to fire, and a bright red indicator light turns on to inform Stephanus that nothing is loaded in the missile launcher. Stephanus looks inside, because he could've sworn he loaded the missile properly, but he finds that it's actually completely gone, and when he turns around, he sees Castro running away with the missile between his teeth. Stephanus chases after Castro with his whip, and Castro jumps into the homemade boat he's been building using Cuba's resources and starts paddling away in an attempt to escape to the best. Castro labeled this boat the "S.S. Fidel", because he loves playing the fiddle and is not very good at spelling. Stephanus tries to swing his whip at Castro, but he overswings and hits himself in the ass, yowling in pain. As he paddles away, Castro decides Stephanus is too much of a threat to be left alive, so he turns around, revealing that his boat has a missile launcher of its own. Dervis spots Castro and picks up the other tiny missile, preparing to launch it by hand at Castro. Castro fires off his missile, but due to its small size, it overshoots and misses entirely, allowing for Dervis to attempt to counterattack. Dervis tries to throw the missile, but it blows up in his hand, leaving a stump at the end of his arm. Castro says something foul and rude and paddles the rest of the way to Omaha Beach in the best.
Stephanus, recovered from his self-whipping, quickly rushes inside and looks for anything he could make use of. He finds a few leftover pages from an old bonebook, which is very outdated, but seems to be the only thing Stephanus has to work with. All the names are either burnt or molded over, so the only things that can be read are the contact information and the leaderboard ranking. Stephanus decides that if he's working blindly, he should just go with the highest-ranked leaderboard number on this page, which is number 87. Stephanus performs the necessary ritual to summon the skeleton, which happens to be SkelePedro, the empty remains of Pedro the googles.
"You there, help us get rid of that problem-causer over on the beach!" Stephanus demands, pointing towards Omaha Beach, where Castro is currently mooning him. Castro spots SkelePedro as the creature begins scooting across the waves towards him, and gets back in the S.S. Fidel to pilot himself away from the threat. SkelePedro is a very good swimmer because as a child he often had to hide from his many mothers, and the safest spot to do so was the middle of the swimming pool where they couldn't reach him. As such, SkelePedro keeps up with Castro even as he attempts to paddle in erratic and unpredictable manners to throw SkelePedro off. Castro and SkelePedro pass through the dreaded storm of beheaded, and when they come out on the other side, Castro crashes into an island, which happens to be the same island where Rat Satan and Bermuda are currently located. Castro screams the alphabet in hopes that someone on the island will help him, but nobody comes to his aid, and SkelePedro finally catches up, using his bleached-white gun to shoot Castro through the head, killing him instantly. Stephanus, who had been watching this through Cuba's communal binoculars, immediately realizes the lesson he learned from all of this, which is that greatness can be achieved through slaughtering homeless people.